I do not own the L word or any of its characters

Carmen:

I have never been so confused in my entire life. Shane said she loved me and she asked me to marry her. Then says that she can never be changed and leaves me vestida y alborotada at the alter. Now she tells me she has changed and can't live her life without me, but she had been sleeping with Jenny and had cheated on her with Jenny's ex-girlfriend! That's so fucked up! How can she tell me she has changed when she did all of this just before Jenny's death? She said she only did all of that because she was trying to cope without me. That has to be a load of crap. Shane? Coping? That's not…Shane-like.

What the hell do I do now? I can't talk to Shane. Everytime I talk to her I feel my heart speeding at 100 mph and I start to get breathless. I can't talk when all I'm thinking about is her beautiful nipples and her magical fingers that have never failed to send me to the brink of ecstasy. I shook my head at the thoughts and stood up to pace around my room.

"Carmen," my mother's voice called as she came into my room, "you okay, mija?"

"Mom," I said plopping down on my bed letting my tears spill, "I still love her."

I heard my mother's deep sigh as she walked toward the bed and sat down next to me with her hand gently on my knee. "Mija, un amor saca otro amor, one love takes another love out."

I chuckled softly at my mother's exact translation and said, "it would probably be translating as 'the way to get rid of a stubborn love is to love another.' But it doesn't have as good of an effect."

"Okay mija so go to a gay club and get yourself a new woman," she said trying to nudge me.

"You're really getting used to me being a lesbian huh mom?"

"I always thought you never looked good with a man," she said.

I couldn't help but laugh at my mom's antics. Her first reaction had been "mejor puta que lesbiana," which translates roughly into, "I rather you be a slut than a lesbian." And now she says I never looked good with a man. If I told her I decided to be straight, I wonder what she would say…hmmm. Eww, never mind I can never be with a man, especially not after Shane. Oh fuck, I can't stop thinking about her.

"Mom," I said seriously, "I can't stop thinking about her and she said she changed and that she loves me."

"You saw her?" my mother said disbelievingly.

"Yes, at Jenny's funeral," I said, "she told me when I was helping her clean out Jenny's closet."

"Jenny? Is that the short one with the ojos bonitos?"

"Yes mom, that's the short one with the pretty eyes," I responded.

"You knew her enough to see Chane after what she did to you?" my mother said.

"Jenny was my ex-girlfriend," I said.

"Really?" my mother said in surprise, "oh, she's pretty why didn't you marry her? She wouldn't have left you at the alter."

"Mom, you don't know that," I said, "she was in love with Shane."

"Really?" my mom said, "but still she probably had less problems than Shane."

I sighed loudly and said, "mom, Jenny was murdered."

"La asesinaron? Ay Dios mio."

"Shane wants another chance mom," I said sitting up, "she was crying, she was on her knees begging, and Shane doesn't do that."

"Mija," my mom said, "I don't tell you what to do with your life, you were a lesbian for most of your life and barely found out about it! Look, if you wanna give Chane another chance, I support you I just hope she doesn't hurt you again. I hate to see you cry."

"So you think I should give her another chance?" I said.

"I think you should put her on como se llama…prueba?" "Test?" I answered, "so put her on probation."

"Si, asegurate que no te pueda joder," she said giving me a kiss on the cheek.

"Okay mom, I will make sure she can't screw me over," I said chuckling.

"Anda mija," she said grabbing my hand and helping me up to my feet, "cheer up."

"Gracias, mami," I said kissing her on the cheek. I grabbed my bag and sighed deeply. I really hope Shane has changed, because I'm giving her my heart again…

….

Helena:

"Fucking shit," I breathed going limp and panting deeply. I looked down my body at Dusty who sat back on her heels and wiped the side of her mouth.

"You taste good," she said with a smirk, "but we should go before Ivan comes in here mad because we missed the first session."

"Yeah, let's go," I said sitting up weakly, "I couldn't help myself, your tongue is so good."

"And my fingers too, you almost woke up the whole camp," Dusty said grabbing my hand and helping me up to my feet.

I chuckled and said, "you never cease to surprise me."

Dusty smiled as she handed me my shirt and bra. I gave her a seductive look and threw the bra down only putting on my shirt. "Easy access," I said with a seductive grin.

I heard Dusty growl and grab her shirt, "don't tempt me woman."

"Okay, okay," I said lifting up my jeans and buttoning it, "let's go before I start begging you to fuck me."

I smirked when I heard Dusty's frustrated grunt as I walked past her and out of the tent. Dusty followed me closely and tried to grab my waist but I swatted her hands away.

"Tsk tsk tsk," I said walking toward the group that was getting ready for the hike.

Ivan gave us a stern look and said, "somebody's late."

"I apologize," I said.

"Yeah sorry dude," Dusty said.

Ivan smiled and said, "that's okay I hope it was worth it."

Dusty smirked and I smiled at the memory of the mind-blowing orgasm.

"Well," Ivan said, "get with your partner and get ready for the hike. Stay with your partner at all times and do not separate from the group there's quite the wild animals in these mountains. They won't get near a big group of people so stay with the group."

Dusty and I nodded and grabbed each other's hand. It wasn't Dusty's style but she sensed my fear. Some of the other group members looked at us curiously. Some of them looked uncomfortable, some of them looked indifferent, and some of them looked downright horny.

"You see those five guys right there?" Dusty whispered in my ear, "they're addicted to sex."

"That explains their looks," I said.

"Those ones that look disgusted," Dusty said, "they are addicted to money like me, but the majority of them are super Christian and Catholic."

"Isn't it supposed to be opposite? I thought those religions were anti-greed," I said.

"Not all people use religion as a spiritual outlet, those people use it to soak money out of people," Dusty said, "they should be going to jail not me. But whatever."

"Are you Christian?" I asked.

"No," Dusty said, "I'm agnostic."

"Oh, so you believe in a higher being," I said.

"Yes, what about you?" Dusty asked.

"I believed in God but when Dy…someone broke my heart, I just kinda stopped," I said.

"I should kick her ass," Dusty commented.

I laughed and wiped a tear that escaped my eye. Dusty wiped it away slowly and gave me a kiss on the cheek. "You can be so tender," I commented.

"Hey, you wanna fuck with these people?" Dusty said.

"What like a prank?" Helena said.

"Yeah," Dusty said happily.

"Okay, what are we gonna do?" Helena said.

"Let's walk up in the front," Dusty said guiding me through the group to the front. I could have sworn one of the pervs tried to grab my ass but I'm sure Dusty would have cut his balls off if he had. We both noticed the dirty looks from the religious people and Dusty smirked widely.

We walked ahead of the group hand in hand hearing the dirty comments from behind us.

Someone said, "God-haters."

And someone else said, "look at that ass."

I wanted to tell them to shut the fuck up but Dusty's tug on my hand told me to be patient. Finally Ivan told everyone to take a rest and I saw a broad smile on Dusty's rugged face.

I felt the rush of excitement as Dusty tugged my arm and pressed me against a tree. Her lips crashed against mine and I heard a collective gasp from the group.

We heard the sexually frustrated groans and the gasps and comments from the greedy religious people-contradicting isn't it? I was aware of Ivan's eyes on us and if I looked I'd bet he was laughing at our antics.

"Guys, control," Ivan warned, but he was probably talking to the pervs.

"You guys are going to hell!" Someone yelled venomously.

I couldn't stop the loud laugh that escaped from my throat and Dusty joined me in laughter as we turned to look at the perp who had condemned us.

"I'm going to hell?" I said sarcastically, "at least I don't steal from innocent people and pretend it's in the name of God. I will go to Hell happily if it means that I've had a happy and fulfilling life. Are you fulfilled you bitter bitch?" With those words I grabbed Dusty's hand and walked ahead of the group. The area was completely silent and even Ivan was looking at me in surprise.

"Nicely put," Dusty said proudly.

"Yeah, maybe I should have fought for my happiness from the beginning, and maybe I wouldn't have gotten hurt…"

….

Tasha:

My eyes fluttered open and I immediately squinted as the sunlight streamed through the window and beamed directly into my eyes. "Fuck," I muttered looking towards Alice who was deep in sleep. Her hair was disheveled and all over her face and her eyes were closed peacefully. She looked so damn beautiful. I sat up very slowly as to not wake her and climbed off of the bed. I walked out of the room and into the kitchen. I walked to the coffee maker lazily and turned it on. Alice always left it set up the night before so we could just press the button. I dragged my feet into the bathroom and went to the toilet. After finishing my necessities I walked to the sink and turned on the water. I brushed my teeth and washed my face and walked back into the kitchen. I left my coffee black and sipped it slowly walking into the living room.

I tripped over one of Alice's heels and some of my coffee spilled onto the floor and onto some of the books in Alice's library. "Shit," I muttered setting my coffee down on the table and walking back into the kitchen. I grabbed the towel and walked back to the spill. I cleaned the spill and pulled out the book that had coffee on it. Suddenly the library case shifted to the side and I noticed there was something behind it.

"Alice has a fucking secret passage way?" I said pushing the library case out. It wasn't a secret passage way but a small little alter that fit perfectly in between the library case and the wall. There was pictures of Dana, whom I recognized because Alice had a single picture of the two of them together in her office, and I often caught her staring at it. In the middle of the small wall of pictures was a small lotion bottle set on top of a DVD. I opened the lotion container slowly and I saw what looked like ashes. I gasped and closed the container quickly.

"She kept ashes?" I whispered, "oh my God." I felt tears welling in my eyes and tentatively picked up the DVD. I moved over to the DVD player and put the disc in. I turned on the TV and lowered the volume before pressing play.

The video started with Alice sitting on a bed in some red lacy panties and bra. Not her bed, but someone else's bed.

"This is just another experiment," Alice said looking directly into the camera, "this is the only thing we haven't tried and the only thing I haven't tried. I'm pretty excited, so…"

She stopped talking when the door opened and the slender figure of Dana entered the room. She was standing in front of Alice tentatively in some white cotton panties and bra.

Alice looked at Dana and licked her lips, then stood up.

Alice had way shorter hair back then and it was a bright blonde color. Dana's brown wavy hair was loose accentuating her beautiful face. She definitely looked different then in her pictures. There seemed to be some emotional turmoil going on inside of her, but Alice was completely unaware. How is it that Alice can tell when something is wrong with Tina and with Shane and with Helena and even with Bette, who hid her emotions more than even me, but she doesn't notice that there's something wrong with Dana?

Maybe she did know but she pretended to not know because she was scared. When Dana averted her gaze away from Alice I noticed that my supposition was right. She looked at Dana longingly, her love obvious from a mile away, and I saw the fear. I wonder if she looks at me like that. Dana turned her head and looked right into Alice's eyes as if trying to tell her something. Alice obviously didn't want to listen. She lunged forward and crashed her lips against Dana's. I saw the tears rolling down Dana's eyes as she shut them harshly.

Then Alice moved her lips down to Dana's throat and Dana threw her head back with a moan. I saw her wipe away the tears and mouth out the words, "I'm sorry."

Alice's hands wrapped slowly around Dana's waist and went up to unclasp her bra. Dana returned the action and they let the garments fall to the floor slowly. Now Dana took charge, pushing Alice down onto the bed and climbing on top of her. Their breasts were pressed against each other roughly as Dana smashed her lips against Alice's. I saw Dana's hand disappear into the waistline of Alice's panties and Alice's back arched off the bed.

"Fffuck! Dana! Yesss!" she exclaimed.

Dana didn't say a word, she only smiled and lowered her face to Alice's breasts and took a taut nipple into her mouth. Alice let out another moan and slid her hand in between them. She slipped it into Dana's panties and Dana released Alice's nipple with a loud pop to release a loud moan.

"Ooo yeah," Dana whispered.

They weren't frantic, they weren't anxious. There wasn't pure lust in their eyes when they looked at each other, there was a deep rooted love. They weren't fucking, they were making love. They both stopped their actions and slipped off their panties, their breathing had picked up substantially. The desperation had settled in but the passion had increased. Throwing the panties far off in the room, Dana turned around backed up until Alice's face was in between her thighs. Alice just looked up at Dana's sex hungrily and said, "God, you're so beautiful."

"S-so are you," Dana said unable to contain a tear that slipped down her face.

She lowered herself down, latching her lips onto Alice's clit concurrently with Alice who grabbed Dana's ass firmly and held her in position. The room filled up with sucking sounds and loud moans and groans. It was Dana who unraveled first. Her head shot up, unable to continue the oral pleasure because of the scream that ripped from her chest. She let out a scream and slammed her fingers inside of Alice roughly taking her with her. They both trembled for what seemed like ten minutes then collapsed on each other with Dana's head resting on Alice's thigh.

"Dana," Alice said breathlessly, "I love you."

Dana rolled off with a sad expression on her face. She walked up to the camera and shut it off. The screen went blue. Tears were streaming down my face and I couldn't help but let out a sob. Then the screen changed and Dana's face was on the screen again. I sat up as I listened. Dana was sitting in front of the camera dressed in a tennis outfit, and Alice was sleeping peacefully on the bed behind her. She looked much like I just left her this morning.

"Alice," Dana said letting her tears fall, "I'm so sorry. I love you so much but I love Lara too and it's not fair to you. You deserve better. I'm going to practice right now and I'm going to break the news the you tonight. I hope you will remember last night and know that I do love you And it's because I love you that I'm leaving you. I hope you can forgive me one day. Please understand my decision Alice. I have a feeling we're gonna end out together sometime in the future, we got a long life ahead of us, but I don't expect you to wait. Goodbye Alice."

I watched the screen go blue again and I was in complete awe. The tears were streaming down my face and my jaw was dropped in complete shock.

"I didn't see that until after she died," I heard Alice's voice say. I jumped up from the couch and wiped my tears abruptly.

"God, Alice," I said unable to form the right sentence.

"Tasha," Alice explained, "I only kept that because it was my last night of love with her."

"No, you kept it because you've never stopped loving her! For God sake, you have her ashes in a lotion container!" I cried.

"It's just an alter, Tasha," Alice said, "I love you."

"Alice," I said calmly, "I'm not doubting your love for me."

"Your not? So why are you mad about the alter?"

"I'm not mad about the alter," I said, "Alice, I saw the way you looked at her in that video and the way she looked at you. I can see the turmoil in her soul, torn between two loves. I'm just another Dana, the only difference is that she chose the other lover and I chose you."

"Are you saying you regret that?" Alice said, her voice cracking as tears slid down her cheeks.

"No, NO!" I said walking to her and wiping the tears from her eyes, "You are the only one for me. But you don't look at me like you looked at Dana."

"What?"

"Alice, I know you love me," I said, "but your love for me doesn't compare to your love for Dana and you will always feel like there's a piece of you missing. I'm the closest thing to that completeness you think you'll ever get and I don't wanna be the closest thing, I wanna be THE THING."

"Tasha…"

"Let me finish," I interrupted gently, "I can't match up to Dana and I think there is someone out there for you who can give you that completeness." I went to the door breaking out of Alice's grip on my arm, "I love you Alice. You are the only woman who has ever made me feel like this and you do complete me. I just wish I could do the same for you."

I opened the door and left the apartment using all my willpower to not run back to Alice when she let out a loud cry and called my name, "Tasha! Don't leave me like Dana did! Don't leave me…."