Harry Potter and the Riddikulus Epilogue Book 7

by succedissidor

Get the scoop on Book 7 before it is released! This is pure silliness, and contains no actual spoilers. OR DOES IT? No, it doesn't. Rating is for repeated mention of 'strippers.' I will update until the new book comes out. I plan on doing EVERY character.

4. Schools, Peeves, Potters, Dursleys

Continuing with the first chapter.

Epilogue: Hogwarts, Durmstrang, Beaubatons, Peeves, Filch, Mrs. Figg, Potters, Dursleys

Hufflepuff is gone. After only having six kids sorted into it in seven years, it gets the hint and packs up quietly in the middle of the night. In the morning, the other houses can't find any of her things, and wonder if it is odd that they aren't sorrier for their loss. The sorting hat feels a touch of regret, wondering if he had just put more kids into Hufflepuff instead of Slytherin, would the world have less Death Eaters and more inconsequential, forgettable middle managers?

Durmstrang continues to rock. Other schools who witness the majesty of Durmstrang Get Served. They all Get Served, because Durmstrang Brings It.

Beauxbatons wakes in the middle of the night screaming, having had a bad dream where it was an all girls school, but then just realizes that that was the movie and no one really cares.

The Ghosts remain pissed that they are dead. Peeves is put on Ritalin, and discovers a new side to his personality- one that involves staring blankly at walls for hours at a time. Filch is locked in a secret passageway for two weeks, and has to choose between eating Mrs. Norris or his own leg to survive. He still patrols corridors at night, but the steady thump of his wooden leg alerts students to his approach. Mrs. Norris is still a bitch. In a similar situation, Mrs. Figg chooses to eat the cats. She has no regrets.

Lily and James are still dead. They do not get any more interesting. Petunia and Vernon die. They remained fairly one dimensional until the bitter end.

Dudley, on the other hand, discovers Planet Fitness, which has personal trainers and unlimited tanning for only twenty bucks a month. After shaping up a bit, he discover his true calling: Stripper. (He also raises rare tropical fish.) Piers Polkiss is his agent. They are surprisingly successful. There is an abundance of slash fiction written about the two of them, but no rumours are ever confirmed.

Aunt Marge was not, in fact fixed by the ministry. That is revealed to have been a lie. She was actually caught in the engine of a 747, causing it to down suspiciously close to the Bermuda triangle and stranding the 26 passengers who survive the crash on an island mysteriously containing Polar Bears and conspiracy.

Wow, this thing is long…