I Was To Set Fire to the World
August 2, 2013, 3:52am
I wish I felt guilty enough to stop; I can't help the urge to get fixed whenever he would say something intellectually challenging for me to even understand. Whenever he flicks his long black locks to the left revealing that brown spot on his pale neck only I could notice, I shower in every spill I spew and contention lives. I wish he could be like all other actors and just be as pretentious as a Haiti relief charity so that way I won't be so captured, but he shows wisdom beyond his 20 years and I know he isn't lying when he says he doesn't belong, because I feel what he feels and want what he wants.
I wish others understood.
I wish there were others to understand that this isn't an obsession, we are soul mates that haven't met each other as yet, and it's not weird because God wanted this to happen; no matter the sin we live as same love creatures. He calls himself a super-freak which I identify with and believe in so much; it sounds better when he says it than when others would shout it at me, even at the convenient store.
Why are they scared for me?
Mother as I call because I don't know who she is would often passively force what she believes to be normal sixteen years old "stuff" in my existence just so she has something to challenge Karen and her son Mika "the football player" Ronson with whenever he wins a game. Patrick as I call him, always forgets his role as a father and would often take who in my head is his lover Mike, to the house to explain the importance of socialising, since he has a degree in Social Studies – groundbreaking.
Nobody really understands the importance of Ezra to my existence. I would lie in bed all night and beg God for the simple chance of just seeing him at Starbucks and I would pray to the universe to work his magic to have Ezra show up at my door, but this hasn't happened as Yet, but I will wait until I'm next in line.
August 6, 2013, 12:41am
I'm moving to New York City in two weeks to live with my Grandmother, Uma, so I could easily attend the Pace University. My family believes the main reason for my departure is the underlying fact that I'm a theatre nerd, but truth and in fact my main objective is to get closer to Ezra; hoping I'll see him at an underground club or filming a movie. Though that being my main reason, there's no fallacy in the stories my parents would tell to justify my absence from Pittsburgh; I am truly a theatre nerd and a proud one at that – some would say "Baptised in the world of jazz hands and on queue crying that kid is" and it's the truth; whenever my drama teacher Mr. Lockhart wanted an actor to play the part of Arnie in What's Eating Gilbert Grape, I would scrape my eyeliner off and wash away my muddy Miranda Priestlyattitude to embody the character of a celestial retard. I could never really connect with roles like that; it would always be just acting for me – I prefer roles of sinister, ostracized and sometimes homicidal characters that I can not only act but also become and live their life for ninety minutes. I remember the first movie I saw Ezra in, We Need to Talk about Kevin; I remember squeezing my best friend Stacy's hand so hard while watching it in my parents' cellar I made out to be my own rusty movie theatre; she thought it was because I was terrified of the idea of one of our school mates going nuts and hunting us like antelopes, but it wasn't that – it was because my being was completely consumed by the mental character Ezra was. My heart would skip beats whenever he would stare deviously into his mother's soul almost like he's going to rip her heart out with immense passion and love, my body would shiver when he walks in the room like he was about to destroy every living thing inside and will be satisfied he did, but what would destroy me was when he killed the characters you didn't want him to – it made me wanted him to kill them, then it made me wanted him; I wanted him angry, I wanted him horny, I wanted him bloody and I wanted him to want me – so I squeezed Stacy's hand as I released in my pants.
I would miss Stacy because she's the only human thing that would bring me joy; apart from Ezra. She's so intriguing beautiful with long blonde locks that had schizophrenia, her eyes are where rivers come to rest and her body Aphrodite would envy; she could have easily be one of the "popular kids" at school but she's too cool for them to handle, they wouldn't understand her incessant rants about the works of Charles Manson, James Cameron, Vince Steven and Charlie Kills – who she believes to be men who have walked with each other in land of gods and monsters. I would miss her, but it makes no sense since she'll be moving with me.
August 10, 2013, 3:05am
I never went to my graduation, celebrating the seniors leaving feels like they actually wanted us gone, especially me. Pittsburgh High School was more than a prison for me; it was a torture chamber, a bad McDonald's burger and a Catholic school. I love burgers, that's all I would eat for lunch at school and nobody understood how this lanky individual could chow down so many cheese burgers and still remain that lanky and thin, the only conclusion was that I'm bulimic; that's the first rumour that really spread like wild fire about me and it's stupid because majority of the school is bulimic, even the varsity jocks which didn't make sense but I guess rumours are better when their about me. The second rumours that really took a life for itself was that I'm gay which at first I didn't identify with, I was quite terrified by it at first, I was somewhat naive to the world of homosexuality, having that moniker in a Catholic school is almost like ritually shouting fuck you to the Hail Mary statue in the courtyard and then being placed in a straight jacket in penitentiary until the day ends.
The nuns would all make it their point of duty to identify and rid this demon from my being, the daily exorcism would