Chapter 4 - Kim is turned on

On one of the following days Saul met with Kim. She had tried to reach him several times last week and he had always been too busy to meet. At least that was what he told her. In fact he had been in no state to talk to anybody who knew him that well, out of fear she might take one look at him and would know that something was completely upside down in his life. Furthermore he wanted to let his lip heal before he showed his face to her.

Since Nacho was in Mexico, Saul had managed to calm down a bit and pull himself together. After all, he had to admit that Nacho had made a deep impression on him. And not necessarily in a bad way...

Usually Kim wasn't the one who had to maintain the contact between them. It was mostly Saul who called her and wanted them to hang out. So she had been a bit surprised when he didn't want to meet with her. And maybe that was the reason why she tried a few more times. Now it was one week after her first try and he finally had agreed to come to dinner at her apartment.

"So, how have you been?" she asked when they were sitting at the table. "I haven't heard from you in a while."

"Yeah, well, I've been busy," Saul said, his thoughts trailing off to a certain kind of activity he really had to forget about now.

Kim waited for him to go on because she was used to him saying more than one sentence at a time. She raised her eyebrows when he kept silent.

"Is there coming more?" she asked.

"More?... uh yes, you know, the whole public defender stuff... it takes most of my time. You sit around and wait for the next case a lot. It's really boring. What about you?"

Kim looked at him curiously. She had known him for a long time and normally he wasn't trying so hard to concentrate on their conversation. She decided to let it slide for now and began to talk about a case they had at Hamlin, Hamlin & McGill.

Saul really tried his best to look interested and he started to feel bad about neglecting their friendship. Now, one week without seeing each other couldn't be called neglection but he was on a completely different planet in his mind, so it felt much worse than it actually was.

"Is everything ok?" Kim asked after a while, scrutinizing him with narrowed eyes.

"Sure. Sorry, please go on."

He concentrated on cutting the steak on the plate in front of him to avoid her gaze. He wasn't good at hiding things.

"Is something bothering you?"

"No, I'm fine." To prove his statement was true, he looked her in the eyes eventually, but she didn't seem convinced.

"You can tell me everything, you know that, right?"

"Yeah, I know, thank you."

Kim sighed and then it hit her.

"Are you seeing somebody?"

"What? No. Why?" Saul looked startled and she thought, ha, gotcha!

"Because that's usually the reason why people stop calling friends and shut themselves off," she said with a smirk.

"Hey, it only was a few days," he said defensively.

"Come on, you can tell me. Who is she?" Kim noticed with surprise that she didn't like this question.

Saul gave her a look. "I can't."

"So, there actually is somebody." Kim nodded with satisfaction about her instincts.

"Maybe," Saul replied hesitantly.

"Oh my God, is she a client? That's why you can't talk about it?"

"No." That was true at least at some point. Nacho wasn't his client at the moment. Too late he realized he should have gone with this lie because it might have stopped her from asking.

She threw him a suspicious look. Curiosity almost ate her up from the inside.

"What is it then? Is she married? Ugly? Underage? No, sorry, that was a joke," she added quickly when Saul looked at her, frowning with offense.

"I don't wanna talk about it, ok?" he said in an exasperated tone.

"Alright." She threw her hands up in surrender but she wasn't gonna let this drop. Sooner or later she would get it out of him. Probably some wine would do the trick.

Saul tried to move the conversation away from the delicate subject and started talking about his work, suddenly finding some anecdotes that weren't boring. Kim knew exactly that he was trying to distract her and she smiled to herself. Something had to be horribly wrong with that woman if he was so desperate not to talk about her.

After dinner they sat down on the couch and Kim poured wine into two long-stemmed glasses. She handed him one and watched him closely. Saul smiled at her and took an unrefined large gulp. The furtive look in her eyes made him nervous. I should tell her, he thought. If not to her to whom else could he talk about it.

"Is she in jail?" Kim asked out of the blue while he was still considering whether to tell her or not.

"What?"

"I thought, maybe she was one of - "

"It's not a she," Saul blurted out because the small word started to get on his nerves.

Kim blinked.

"I'm kinda seeing another guy, yes. And before you start asking who he is, I'm not gonna tell you! So save your breath." He looked at her challengingly.

"Wow," she said. "That's some bombshell you're dropping here. I didn't even know you... since when are you into guys?" She couldn't believe he had never told her and felt kind of rejected.

"I'm not," he said. "This is an exception."

"I see." Kim tried to hide a smirk. "That must be some guy then." She was already dying to know what he looked like and what was so special about him that he made Saul reconsider his sexual preferences.

"Yeah, he is." Saul was torn between the urge to tell her everything and the reasonable wish to keep it a secret. He loosened his tie because he felt like it was strangling him, forgetting why he had put it on this evening in the first place. He usually didn't go to dinner with a friend in a shirt and tie but Nacho's last assault on him had left some unmistakable evidence on his neck which was well hidden beneath the collar of his shirt. At least until he undid the first two buttons due to the heat that was rising in him by talking about his secret affair.

Kim's eyes, which were hanging on him to not miss any shift of expression on his face, followed the movement of his fingers and she opened her mouth when she saw a purple-hued spot on his skin, that obviously extended underneath his collar.

"What the hell..."

Kim reached out and pulled the collar apart before he could do anything to prevent it. She stared at the bruises on his neck and collarbone and then slowly removed her hand, looking up at him with slight concern in her eyes.

"That looks painful," she said, numerous pictures rising in her head of how this might have happened. The appalled undertone in her voice made Saul feel very uncomfortable.

"Did... did he do this?" she asked eventually.

Saul rolled his eyes. "Forget it, ok? It's none of your business anyway."

"None of my... I've seen things like that. Mostly on women who were afraid - "

"What do you think this is?" Saul interrupted her, suddenly amused.

She frowned at him.

"You really think he abused me?"

Okay, he had to admit there had been some kind of abusive treatment but never without making up for it a hundred times with sweet pleasure and delight.

"Yeah, what else would I be thin- " she broke off, a sudden thought hitting her brain. "No, Saul, don't tell me this is... a hickey. Only teenagers do hickeys. And don't tell me you two have already... oh my God." She pulled a face, not sure whether to make it look disgusted or excited.

"What, you can't say the word 'sex'?" Saul asked, laughing now.

"So, you did... ? For real? Like... all the way?" Her eyes nearly fell out of their sockets. Saul blushed and she had never seen him blush before.

"Stop being so nosy, will you?" he said, looking down on the glass in his hands, but he couldn't hide a smirk.

"Oh my God." Kim emptied her glass in one gulp.

"I never imagined you being a homophobe," Saul teased her.

"I'm not," she protested and put her glass on the table a bit too hard. "It's just that I never imagined you doing another guy." Her gaze trailed off as if she actually tried to imagine it.

"Hey, hey, stop." Saul clicked his fingers in front of her. "You don't have to."

She wished she never had because, fuck, that was somehow arousing. She saw him in a different light now and that was slightly disturbing. She had never seen something else in him than a good friend, although she knew, he had. In the beginning he had tried to ask her out on a date and she had had a hard time telling him that she wasn't interested without hurting him too much. She had always liked him but not in that way.

And now suddenly she asked herself if that had been a mistake.

No, no, it's alright, she told herself. Especially since he was into men now. She tried to put on a normal face.

"Everything ok?" he asked, smiling.

"Yes, sorry. That was kind of a shock." She looked up at him. "You still don't wanna tell me about him?"

He shook his head deploringly and she sighed.

"I'm gonna find out anyway," she said confidently.

"Are you?" Saul chuckled and held his glass out for her to refill. She poured herself one too and then said: "Boy, I need a cigarette."

"Can I bum one?" Saul asked.

They went out on the balcony and smoked in silence. After a while Saul noticed that Kim was watching him. He turned his head to look at her.

"How far down does that actually go?" she asked, stretching out her hand to pull at his collar again. He leaned back to get out of her reach.

"Just let it go, Kim."

She groaned in exasperation. "You're killing me."

"You wouldn't be the first human being who died of curiosity," Saul answered banteringly.

"Ha ha." Kim stared into her glass - it was empty again and her brain felt a bit fuzzy. Not fair, she thought, why are the best men always gay? And yes, Saul was definitely one of those best men. He was kind, reliable, funny, cute and smart; okay, a bit chaotic and sometimes he could be a real pussy; but does that matter?

She lifted her glass and said: "I'm getting another one of those."

Saul followed her inside, wondering about her, since she normally didn't drink more than one glass. He thought that maybe it had been more of a shock to her than she was willing to show. Some people consider themselves tolerant their whole life until someone comes along who is actually gay, or bi or whatever. Although he was pretty sure Kim didn't belong to that sort of people.

"I'm sorry if I ruined the evening for you with this," he said, sitting down beside her on the couch.

"No, no you didn't." She waved her hand dismissively. "It's me, I'm so stupid... "

"You're not stupid," Saul said softly. "I understand. I might probably freak too if - "

"That's not what I meant," she interrupted him. "You know, I feel like a living example for that saying 'you don't know what you've got til it's gone' right now."

Saul stared at her. "What are you saying? That you - "

"That I should have said yes when you asked me out back then." She sighed. "But I'm probably talking bullshit, I had too much wine."

She met Saul's gaze and almost shrivelled up under his dumbfounded stare.

"So... you're telling me you want me now because you can't have me? I was never good enough for you until you heard that someone else considers me worth of being loved?"

Kim flinched. "Don't put it that way, it sounds awful."

"It is awful," Saul replied offended.

"I'm so sorry. Seems like I'm the one who ruined the evening. I should've kept my mouth shut. The damn wine..."

"Yeah, put it on the wine," Saul scoffed.

"It's not that I'm not happy for you," Kim tried desperately. "You deserve it, really..."

"But?"

She shook her head. "I better be quiet now." Great idea with the wine, she congratulated herself. Instead of getting the secrets out of him it was her who spilled her guts to him. Damn it.

Saul watched her staring at her empty glass. Her face was red and she looked devastated, like she couldn't believe what she had just started. He felt irritated but also sorry for her because he knew from his own experience what she was talking about.

"I should go," he said.

She threw him a wounded look. "No, please stay. Let's talk about something else. I don't want you to leave like that."

He hesitated. Hearing someone beg had always an effect on him, especially when it was Kim. And she looked at him pleadingly with her light blue eyes. They were rather hazy now and he decided against staying for the sake of both of them.

"You should get some sleep," he said in a much friendlier tone than before.

"Are you mad at me?" she asked in a small voice.

He sighed. "Just a little. Don't worry, it'll be alright."

"We're still friends?"

"Yeah, of course." He patted her shoulder reassuringly but that only made it worse for her.

They got up and went to the door.

"Just sleep it off," Saul said. "You'll feel better tomorrow. Maybe it was the wine, you never know." He gave her a lopsided smile.

"Yeah, let's hope so." She smiled back tentatively and in a last attempt to lift the mood she said playfully: "You two up for a threesome perhaps?"

Saul grinned, relieved that she was joking again. Although there was a spark of hope in her eyes that told him this wasn't entirely meant as a joke.

"You're turned on by the thought of two guys having sex?"

"I'm turned on by the thought of you having sex with another guy," she corrected and blushed.