Filler and episode tag for "Lt. Jane Doe."

Letting Go

It was with a heavier heart than usual that Gibbs left autopsy and stepped into the elevator. He'd finally gotten the truth – the whole truth – from his ME, and more importantly his friend, regarding the older man's recent reticence and odd behavior, but the truth was hardly satisfying. Ducky had been carrying an unknown burden for the past decade, unable to find either answers or justice for a still-unidentified young woman. And now, even worse, another unidentified woman had been apparently victimized by the same perpetrator. Gibbs understood what it meant to carry an unreasonable guilt, and was now more determined than ever to do whatever it took to find justice for both women. And, hopefully, some form of closure for his friend.

By the time he returned to the bullpen, his team's area was mostly empty. He had been so wrapped up in Ducky's story that he hadn't even realized how late it had gotten. One desk, however, still had an occupant, and as the Team Leader walked in, he noticed Tony watching him curiously. But, to his surprise, the younger man didn't verbalize whatever question was at the forefront of his thinking.

"What's on your mind, Tony?" Gibbs was becoming something of an expert at detecting Tony's varied moods, even as he was still trying to learn to read the thoughts behind those moods.

"How's Ducky?" The genuine concern was apparent on DiNozzo's face, as was the unspoken request. Tell me what's going on, Boss.

Gibbs was uncertain if he should burden Tony with the details a day early, since the entire team would certainly be learning them tomorrow. But, if his agent had remained behind with the sole purpose of inquiring after Doctor Mallard's state of wellbeing, then he deserved to know. "Haunted by an old case. This one fits the same MO as a rape and murder case from ten years ago. Ducky worked it with another agent. They never identified the Jane Doe."

Tony frowned, processing the details and the full implications behind them. "Wow. Ten years. That's a long time."

"Remains were cremated. Ducky's been holding onto them the whole time. Only victim he's never been able to identify." Gibbs felt a slight sense of remorse at sharing so much, but he knew if anyone on his team would understand, it would be Tony. You don't work in law enforcement for ten years without acquiring some ghosts of one form or another. And Gibbs was well aware of the existence of a few ghosts in the younger man's past. In addition, of course, to several of his own.

"That explains a lot," Tony observed quietly. "Why he canceled his trip to London. Why he snapped at Abby. Why he knew our Jane Doe wasn't really a Lieutenant in the Navy. But why'd he keep it from us?"

"You ever taken a case personally, DiNozzo?" It was almost an unfair question, and without a doubt a loaded one. They both knew Tony had left Philadelphia under what the younger man would now only mysteriously describe as "extenuating circumstances" to anyone who dared to ask. The two men had never discussed it, but there were some truths about Tony's past of which both of them silently acknowledged that Gibbs was aware. Uncovering those kinds of facts was simply unavoidable when conducting a background check as extensive as the kind Gibbs ran on his potential new agents.

Tony felt uneasy, not only with the question, but with the soul-searching gaze accompanying the question, and suddenly found a piece of paper on his desk to be of great interest. "I suppose so, Boss."

Gibbs decided to let him off the hook. Tony will talk about it when he's ready. And not a minute sooner. "Ducky needed to be absolutely sure this case was connected before he was ready to talk to us about it."

Feeling it safe to chance a look at his boss again, Tony nodded and then asked, "How do we help?"

"We do what we always do, DiNozzo. We find answers. Solve the case. Get justice."

"But, Boss. The first victim was from ten years ago. What if we do all that but we still can't identify her?"

It was a valid question. More than that, it was an entirely possible scenario. It would be very difficult to find the identity of the first victim now, unless their killer knew her personally and was willing, or somehow persuaded, to talk. Still, they would do everything possible. Gibbs would make certain they did. "We'll do everything we can, Tony. And Ducky knows that. We're a team."

"And if it isn't enough? If we can't ever give closure to the family? Or Ducky?"

"Then we help Ducky let go."

"Have you let go of Ari Haswari, Boss?"

Leave it to Tony to know exactly which buttons to push. "I'm accepting the fact that I've done everything I can do." For now, he amended silently. "When Ducky's convinced we've done all we can, he'll accept it too."

Tony dropped the subject, but Gibbs could see that he was still troubled and it was not surprising. There was something he'd learned about the younger man in the past three years. He came with a lot of baggage, some of which had been unnecessarily self-imposed. Through the years, he'd continued to add more bags, but Gibbs was relatively certain he'd never been able to unload any.

Because when it came to guilt, Tony had never really learned to let go.

It was a beautiful, crisp, autumn day and Tony had decided to take a break from the indoors and stroll outside to the coffee cart. He paid for his latte and moved down to the end of the cart, setting his cup near the edge just long enough to grab some napkins. Just as he pulled the last napkin out of the holder, he barely tapped the edge of the cup – just enough to send it toppling over, coffee spilling all over his shirt. That's at least the fourth or fifth time this week. He could hear Kate's voice in his head taunting him about "bad karma" again, when it was abruptly replaced by another familiar voice, this one somewhere to his right.

"Yes, I'll have a large cup of tea and a replacement for whatever that young man over there was drinking prior to his unfortunate accident."

Tony turned and smiled broadly at his coworker. "Thanks, Ducky. I'll pay you back."

"No need, Anthony. I can afford to buy a cup of coffee, even on an ME's salary," the older man said with a wink.

While Doctor Mallard was paying for the drinks, Tony very cautiously handled his second cup of coffee, not daring to put this one down anywhere. "Hey, we missed you this morning. Everything ok?"

"Why, yes, Tony. As a matter of fact, thanks to you and Jethro and the rest of your team, I was finally able to do something this morning that I should have done long ago."

Tony was making his way to a nearby bench, indicating for the older man to follow him. "What was that?"

"I found a lovely resting place for our Jane Doe. It's time, I believe."

"Really?" Tony had been feeling badly ever since they had wrapped the case, knowing that his recent fear had been realized and they would very likely never be able to identify their victim of ten years ago. But Ducky was looking as relaxed as he'd ever seen him. "And you're ok with that? Even though we never found out who she was?"

"I don't know if 'okay' would be the proper term for it, but yes I am finally at peace. Her killer has been identified and I have some satisfaction in knowing he will never again victimize another young woman." Seeing Tony's puzzlement, he went on to explain further. "I did not expect that we would be able to identify her after all this time. I am a realist, after all. But I did not want her to be simply forgotten, either. Whomever she was, I wanted to show that her life mattered."

"But she doesn't know about it, Ducky. And neither does her family."

"But I know Anthony. And perhaps she does as well."

Tony wished he could believe that was true. Which brought to mind another question. "Do you believe in karma?"

It seemed an odd change in conversation topics, but the doctor had observed enough of the younger man through the years to realize there was always a connection to be made in his logic, however ambiguous it initially seemed. "Karma, Tony? I don't know about that. I believe that a person often 'reaps what they sow,' however. Why do you ask?"

Almost embarrassed to have brought up the subject, Tony laughed nervously and looked down at his shirt. "Well, you know, I keep having these accidents. And Kate says it's karma catching up with me."

"Ahh, yes, well, our Caitlin does enjoy teasing you. But have you considered a simpler explanation? A mere case of clumsiness perhaps?"

"I've been clumsy an awful lot lately."

"Maybe you've simply been distracted. Or it has become a self-fulfilling prophesy. Because you expect mishaps to occur, you unwittingly cause them to occur."

Tony smiled tightly. "You're probably right, Ducky."

Realizing the young agent had something more weighty on his mind than just spilling his coffee, Ducky decided to probe a little deeper. "Besides, what could you have possibly done to incur such wrath from the universe?"

A dark expression passed over the younger man's face, quickly replaced by the more familiar mischievous smirk he was more well-known for. "I can't help it really. It's the DiNozzo charm. I've broken a lot of hearts."

"Yes, one would imagine so. But I would surmise you've more than made up for that with the number of lives you've protected over the years."

The smile disappeared and Tony was intently studying his coffee. "They're usually dead by the time I get to them."

"As are my 'patients,' Anthony. But I was referring to those whose lives have been spared because of the threats we've removed from society. Unfortunately, we never know who they are, or how many they are. But that doesn't mean they aren't real. They're every bit as real as my Jane Doe was."

"But what if…"

"What if, what, Anthony?" the older man prodded, feeling that the question was somehow critically important.

"Let's say, hypothetically, if you were trying to help people but in the process you let someone get hurt. Or maybe even accidentally caused it. Can you ever make up for that?"

"Well if it was unintentional, I am not certain why you would believe you are to blame at all. Was there some negligence involved or -"

"I didn't say anything about me. I said it was hypothetical," Tony cut in quickly.

"Alright, Anthony, I apologize. I simply misunderstood," Ducky soothed, in spite of the fact that he did not believe the "hypothetical" tag for a second. "Generally speaking, though, Anthony, there are tragedies for which there is no one to blame, though I do realize that can be difficult to accept."

Tony seemed to be considering whether or not to pose another "hypothetical" question when Gibbs unintentionally interrupted the conversation. Showing up in front of their bench with a newly purchased cup of coffee, and uncharacteristically unaware as to the intensity or the import of the conversation he was interrupting, Tony's boss fixed him with the "I caught you goofing off" stare that the younger man knew so well.

"Boss! Uh, sorry, I just took a little coffee break and ran into Ducky here and….I was just going back to work though." He stood up from the bench and awkwardly addressed the doctor. "Thanks for the coffee, Ducky. And…the conversation."

Gibbs looked after his agent curiously. "What is DiNozzo looking so guilty about?"

The ME looked at his friend somewhat gravely. "Judging from the conversation he and I just had, I would say he carries guilt over a great many things. I simply have no idea what they may be."

His amusement turning to concern, Gibbs asked, "What did he say?"

"Well, nothing specific. In fact, he claimed not to be referring to himself at all. However, I will say that the young man has a tremendous capacity for blaming himself, and not necessarily over things for which he bears the responsibility, I suspect."

"I know, Duck," his friend sighed.

"It isn't healthy, Jethro."

"Know that, too. I'm workin' on it."

"Yes, well, I know you've come a long way with him. And I suspect having researched his background that you perhaps know more of the specifics of his past whether or not he has volunteered the information. Regardless, it isn't healthy that he chooses to keep them entirely to himself."

It wasn't lost on Gibbs that DiNozzo was a lot like him in that regard. He momentarily wondered what the older man would think of him if he one day learned of the existence of Shannon and Kelly, along with the fact that Gibbs had chosen to keep those details entirely to himself.

If DiNozzo truly was that much like him, Gibbs surmised that he may never know many of the things from Tony's past which continued to trouble him. Neither would anyone else. He'd keep it to himself and ultimately he'd end up alone. Because three failed marriages had taught him that you can't share your life with someone while withholding large pieces of yourself from them.

And it was in that moment that he determined Tony would not be just like him. Not if he had anything to say about it.

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