Chapter 4

Rachel opened the door to find an attractive young man, who flirtatiously greeted her "Well hello there, handsome!" She stepped aside, enabling him entry to the apartment, and he greeted Kurt and Elliot, "Hello, boys! Who's the chicken?" he teased, nodding at Rachel, who was too startled to speak.

While Elliot turned his back from the man to stifle his laughter, Kurt regained his composure enough to reply, "Hi, Sebastian. I'd like you to meet my boyfriend, R…ah…R…uben, yes, Ruben Berry. Ruben, say 'hello' to Sebastian Smythe, the maître d' at 'Madam Satan's'."

Sebastian took Rachel's hand between both of his and held it for a moment, commenting with a sly smile, "My, my, aren't you a handsome little fellow." He focused his attention on Kurt, remarking, "He's a pretty one, Kurtie, but isn't he a bit young?" Kurt thought briefly before responding, "He's 26, same as me. He…um…he had Rheumatic Fever when he was a kid and it stunted his growth." Rachel stared incredulously at Kurt; her eyes looked as though they would pop out of their sockets. Luckily, Sebastian was focused on Kurt and didn't notice.

"Please have a seat, Seb," Elliot invited, displaying more self-control that belied his recent mirth. Sebastian joined the men in the living room, while Rachel remained at the door, frozen in place with utter astonishment.

Kurt looked back at Rachel, and, wanting to see how far their charade would go before having to confess the truth, called out, "Come on, sweetie," as he patted the cushion next to him on the sofa. Rachel, almost somnambulistic in her actions, numbly walked over to the sofa and sat down, only to have Kurt put his arm around her and pull her close, kissing her on the temple.

"So, tell me, boys, where did you two meet?" Sebastian asked, his attention focused on the "happy couple". Rachel squirmed uncomfortably, unsure not only of what to say, but how. After all, her voice would be a dead giveaway that she was not of the male persuasion. Luckily, Kurt, ever glib, kept up his end of the conversation. "Ra…um…Ruben and I were teachers at the same school; he was the music teacher and I was the art teacher," Kurt explained, nobly keeping a straight face throughout.

"Music teacher?" Sebastian repeated, immediately inquiring, "Honey, can you sing, too?" Rachel woodenly nodded her head. "Kurtie, if he sings as good as he looks, I'll bet Santana would hire him on the spot. She's looking for a new canary, ever since that 'Unique' got '86'ed' by his old man." Sebastian looked up, disbelief on his face as he continued, "Can you believe that 'red hot mama' was only 16?" Kurt shook his head in mock disbelief; he realized that baby face and lack of facial hair didn't mean that the guy was lucky in his chosen profession, but, rather, that he was probably too young to grow a beard.

"Come on, kiddo; let's see what you've got," Sebastian turned his attention to Rachel. "Well...um…" Rachel stammered, attempting to sound as male as possible. Kurt noticed her discomfort and took over, instructing, "Elliot, would you mind 'tickling the ivories'?"

Elliot grinned slyly as he stood up and walked over to the piano, taking a seat on the bench. Kurt nudged Rachel to get up, and she joined Elliot at the piano, trying to remain composed. "Why don't you sing the same thing as the other night?" Kurt asked, looking at Rachel knowingly. "Just remember to 'sing like a girl' this time," he reminded her with a wink.

Elliot played the introduction to "Someone to Watch Over Me", and Rachel joined in, giving the piece her "all". When she was done, Sebastian gave her a standing ovation. "Bravo!...Or, should I say 'Brava'!" He turned slightly to face Kurt, admonishing him, "Kurtie, you simply must bring him in to audition for Santana. I'm gonna tell her as soon as I see her tonight. This one," he nodded toward Rachel, "will be a definite show-stopper." He glanced at his watch and excused himself, "Well, ladies, I must be off. It was a pleasure meeting you, 'chicken'…or should I say… 'songbird'?"

A barely-smiling Rachel nodded mechanically, clearly at a loss for words. As soon as Sebastian had left the apartment, Kurt and Elliot broke down in hysterical laughter. "I don't know what's so funny," Rachel pouted, "he thought I was a boy, and neither of you said anything to correct him!" Merely glancing in Rachel's direction caused another outburst of hilarity from the two young men. She stood there, arms folded, looking at her roommates with a mixture of disdain and sadness and began crying again.

"You don't understand," she sobbed, "I've lost my hair, I'm practically broke, and, to top it all off, I look like a boy." Rachel's crying ensued as Kurt came to her, pulling her into a platonic embrace. "Your hair will grow back, Rachel," he placated her, "and you have some money to tide yourself over…"

"But, what'll I do, Kurt? That won't last long," she lamented. Elliot, who had been silent, had been ruminating over the events of the past hour. "I have a brilliant idea!" he announced. "Why don't we do what Smythe suggested; bring Rachel to the club as a man, and let her perform dressed as a woman." Astonishment was mirrored on both Rachel's and Kurt's faces as they stared at Elliot as if he had just lost his mind.

"Hear me out," Elliot requested. "You need to earn some money, right?" he asked, and Rachel reluctantly nodded her head in agreement. "And you wanna be an actress, right?" he queried, resulting in another nod. "Consider this your first acting job; you're pretending to be a man pretending to be a woman. You get to dress up and sing for an audience. You'll be paid for performing. As long as we keep your real gender under wraps, who'll be the wiser?"

"I don't think I can pull it off, Elliot," Rachel replied. "In the first place, I don't have an 'Adam's apple'," she countered, pointing at her neck.

"My dear, a drag queen's best friend is a choker; it helps maintain the illusion that we don't have one, and it will do the same for you in reverse," Elliot explained. "But what about the rest of the time?" Rachel asked. "After all, I'd have to wear street clothes, too; otherwise, I might as well just be a woman…what am I saying; I am a woman!"

Kurt and Elliot gave each other knowing looks, as they could see that Rachel wasn't as adverse to the idea as she'd first let on. "I know…" Kurt interjected as he formulated a picture in his mind, "You could wear an ascot. It's very 'Continental' and a little flamboyant; let's face it, that's what people expect of us, anyway."

Rachel had stopped crying and, although still disconcerted, wasn't completely disregarding their idea. "What would I wear?" she inquired, giving the first indication that she was actually considering their proposition. "After all, I have women's clothes. I don't even own a pair of trousers. And I certainly don't have anything appropriate for performing."

"Leave that to me," Elliot volunteered. "My kid brother just went through a growth spurt, and judging by how this suit fits, his old clothes should be about perfect." Elliot appeared to be mulling something over before he spoke again, remarking, "As for your costumes, I have a few that I don't wear any more; a little too 'flaming youth' for today's fashions." He looked at Rachel before continuing, "Don't worry, kiddo; they'll be a lot longer on you; with a few alterations, we'll turn you into a regular 'bombshell'."

Rachel smiled shyly; she had never remotely considered herself a "bombshell", and the thought appealed to her, regardless of the circumstances. "Oh, and Rachel," Eliot added as an afterthought, "I want you to start exercising with some light barbells." Rachel looked disconcertedly at him, to which he clarified, "You'll be more convincing as a man if your arms have some muscle definition. Don't worry, I'll show you what to do, and you won't wind up like 'Charles Atlas', I promise."

"What about my hair?" Rachel wondered out loud. Kurt glanced sidewise at her, index finger tapping at his jaw line. "Hmm…I'm seeing something demure and fluffy, maybe like Ruby Keeler à la '42nd Street'," Kurt proposed. "Elliot, what do you think?"

Elliot looked thoughtfully at Rachel, questioning, "Don't you think that's a little, oh, 'last year'?" Kurt pondered momentarily before replying, "Maybe so, but I think it would suit her…" Both men circled around Rachel, sizing her up and down while she did her best to suppress a giggle. Elliot finally conceded, "I think you're right, Kurt. There's a shop where we buy our wigs; after I pick up some of my brother's clothes, Rachel can change, and we'll go down there." He looked at Rachel pointedly, remarking, "If you're gonna do this, you may as well keep up appearances from the start. Congratulations, Rachel; in the words of your people, 'today, you are a man'."

Author's Notes: "Chicken" was slang for a young man, usually a young gay man.

Yes, I know that Rachel wasn't the music teacher. Kurt is "bending the truth" a bit. ;-)

"Someone to Watch Over Me", music by George Gershwin and lyrics by Ira Gershwin, was introduced in the 1924 musical comedy "Oh, Kay!" by Gertrude Lawrence.

Charles Atlas was one of the first proponents of body building. He developed a series of exercises that was marketed as the "Dynamic Tension" program.

"42nd Street" was an early Warner Brothers musical (1933) made famous by Busby Berkley's elaborate production numbers and its backstage plot. Ruby Keeler played "Peggy Sawyer", the demure ingénue who stepped in at the last minute, saving the show as well as cementing her place in cinema history.