Chapt 4
It had been raining for three days in a row and Starsky needed to talk to Hutch.
Hutch had been avoiding him like the plague since the last day of their workweek when Hutch had once more refused to share what it was that was pushing him closer and closer to the edge.
He had ignored Starsky's phone calls, and pretended not to hear the soft knuckled drumming at his front door.
Sadly on that very afternoon, an off-duty cop at another precinct had been shot and killed trying to stop a fight between some neighbors.
All cops take another cop's death hard, take it personal. And Starsky was sure the young officer's violent death had to stir up some things in Hutch that he wouldn't be able to handle on his own. Not anymore. Starsky needed to find his partner and do what the psychologist had suggested. Confront him. Hoping and praying Hutch would take his help this time.
He couldn't stop feeling like the clock was running out for him and Hutch to fix the mess they were in.
Starsky had been to all the places Hutch might try to hide out and several hours into his search finally Starsky did find him.
Hutch sat on the sea wall, drenched by the heavy rain and shivering from the cold wind that came in with the waves splashing on to the beach below him. Suddenly afraid over what he was going to have to do; Starsky took a deep breath as he slowly approached him.
He knew without seeing his friend's face the distress that would be there. Starsky spoke softly,"Hutch?"
Waited for a reply before trying again,"Buddy?"
The rain that relentlessly pelted them couldn't hide the tears streaming down Hutch's face as he looked out at the ocean.
"Hutch?"
No response. Starsky pulled his jacket collar tighter around his neck and helplessly stood next to his distraught friend. "Hey, it's raining. Come on. Let's get out of here, huh?"
Hutch's eyes, vacant and red, blinked away rain and his sorrow. "That kid—Starsky. He was only a year on the job...he had two kids. Young ones...now they don't have father. He's dead. Why, Starsk?"
"Whattaya asking me—why him and not you? Is that what you're thinkin'? C'mon. "Starsky insisted, avoiding answering the question.
"N-nothing makes sense." Hutch stammered
Starsky plopped down next to him, carefully draping an arm around Hutch's shoulder. "Let's get you inside, huh?"
As if he finally understanding it for the first time, a shivering Hutch sadly confirmed, "I died."
"I know."
"Dyin's not as easy as it looks." Hutch wasn't being sarcastic.
"Nobody ever said it was, buddy."
The rain picked up, splattering the wetness of fat drops of rain on their already soaked clothes.
"Don't know what to do now," Hutch said with wearily. His light hair, dark and plastered to his scalp.
He looked like a lost soul and it made Starsky's heart sink, "Come on, gonna get you inside."
"I don't know what to do. Nothing feels right."
"I know." Starsky stood and reached down to lift Hutch up. "Let's go, huh?"
Hutch weakly tried to slip away from Starsky's hands.
But Starsky taking control of the situation, took a firmer hold on his friend. "Can't run any more, buddy. Taking you home. You and me got some talkin' to do."
Chapt 5
Inspecting the circles under Hutch's eyes, "Ain't getting much sleep, huh?" Starsky said, trying to keep a casual sound in his voice as he stopped towel drying his hair to give Hutch his full attention.
"Life's too short," A now sullen Hutch said, adding a shrug of shoulders to it.
Starsky smiled, sharing in the sick reflection. He could tell Hutch was already trying to retreat back under the hard shell he'd been wearing.
"So what now?" Hutch demanded. His attempt to intimidate failed, and Starsky shrugged. "Why don't we just talk."
Hutch, quite self-consciously pulled the blanket Starsky had given him up over his shoulders. He frowned angrily, sarcastically suggesting, "Why don't you just smash my hand in a car door."
"Probably easier, huh." Starsky had to chuckle at the pouting expression that was making his best friend look like a disobedient kid. Okay, then--how's 'bout some coffee?" He smiled thoughtfully at Hutch, making him look away guiltily.
"Sure." Slightly defused Hutch shook his head like he was agreeing to be civil and open to at least drinking coffee.
He picked up the silent 'but I'm not gonna talk about it' hidden in Hutch's one word response. Thinking the coffee was a good idea though, Starsky quietly went about the chore. He was nervous and wondered if confronting Hutch, as the psychologist had suggested, was about to do more damage that good. Maybe he was over confident about his ability to handle the problem. What if he confronted his friend and wasn't able to rein in whatever he was about to try and unleash? Maybe Hutch's anger, fear, or whatever it was that was eating him up on the inside was a such a huge ball of fire that it might consume them both. His hand was shaking and Starsky slid a sweaty palm along his jeans. Taking a calming breath he leaned against the kitchen counter for support. They had been through too much together for him not to trust the bond between them to survive anything. It wouldn't be the first time life or death had tried to separate them. But, Hutch was alive and belonged in the land of the living, and it was time for Hutch to start living again.
"We can do this." He spoke the words and the meaning and commitment in them shot through him like a lightning bolt.
Watching from the kitchen he could see Hutch get up to look at the rain outside with serious fascination and Starsky, taking a boxer's stance, bowing his head to center himself, made his decision.
As soon as the coffee was brewed, Starsky would start the rescue, reclamation, and recovery of his best friend.
Death be damned.
-o-
"Here you go"
Hutch slipped a hand out from under the blanket to retrieve the cup. His red-rimmed eyes darted away from his friend's inspection.
"You still cold?" Starsky asked, taking a sip from his own steaming cup.
"No." Hutch lied. "M'fine."
Perhaps it was a bit of theatrics, but Starsky let a moment pass for effect. "Hmm." It was ample enough commentary to imply that neither one of them could possibly believe Hutch was doing 'fine'. "Actually, that's kinda what I want to talk about," Starsky added.
Hutch cut him a rude stare, and frowned back at him before heading for the couch. Starsky followed, sitting close.
He put his coffee down and wrung his hands before he spoke. He dug deep to find the right tone in his voice to engage Hutch in a real conversation. "Hutch…imagine… if it was you and I was the one… I mean, I never felt anything like that before. I couldn't believe how much it hurt…"
It didn't take much of anything for Hutch's emotion to boil over. His gauge was already on high and Starsky wasn't surprised at all that the "talk" was immediately escalated to the battle that had to happen to set things right.
"Well it wasn't you! What! Was that you that gave up…lost the fight, let…let everybody down. Don't think I don't know what you're thinking!"
"See, see that's just more crazy talk, Hutch."
"You weren't mad?"
Starsky's closed mouth gave Hutch his answer and he rose clumsily to his feet as he aggressively made his way to exit the apartment.
Starsky moved quickly to stop Hutch, putting himself in front of the door.
Both stared each other down as silence raged between them.
"Okay," Starsky conceded. "Yes." Looking down, as he prepared to make the admission, "Maybe I was mad at you but mad at myself, too. We never shoulda took the chance of taking Anna through that crowd. And no, I wasn't happy 'bout you getting in between her and that bullet—but I wouldn't've expected you to do nothin' less. I know you heart, pal. OK?"
The answer seemed to momentarily appeased Hutch.
"Okay, we got that outta the way, what else you got?" Starsky challenged.
" I don't wanta do this." Hutch tried again to get by the man blocking his way out of the apartment.
Starsky tugged on him, whipping him around so they were face to face. "Why-why can't you talk to me? This isn't the way we work. And you know it. You can't be changing the rules just cuz you can't deal with what's happened."
Hutch tried to pull away.
Not releasing him, Starsky shook his head angrily. "I understand that you feel weird.. .can't get your legs under ya. And that you need... time, right? To work all of it out. But-- there's somethin', somethin'--more going on here."
"I mean it, Starsk. Get out of my way." Hutch threatened.
"NO! You ain't going anywhere-- till you tell me what the hell's wrong with you. Damn it, Hutch you beat it. Don't you get this… a lot of folks would be happy to have survived…" Starsky faltered and then rebounded. "But..what I don't understand is, you're acting like things didn't work out the way they shoulda …like…like you're…chasing it….Wait a minute…" Realization surfaced on his face and Starsky having come to some conclusions, eyed Hutch suspiciously. "Like you're trying to set things straight by finding that bullet again. Like you think – you're supposed to be dead."
Hutch's face blanched at Starsky's spoken revelation and he tried to back away.
"That's it, right?" Starsky, fully loaded, got in his face, roughly shoving him. "You're s'posed to be dead, right?"
Getting no answer, another push followed it, "Right?"
Hutch's feet got snagged by the blanket he had let fall, and he tripped over it, landing hard onto the floor. He scrambled to kick it off, while still backing up to get away from Starsky's attacking interrogation.
Butting up against a wall, Hutch sat there as a seething Starsky towered over him. "Just say it!" Starsky yelled, poking him in the shoulder.
Hutch tried to turn his head but Starsky pushed him again as the confrontation continued, "Just say it," Starsky demanded.
Hutch, shuddered and jerked his face to the opposite side, trying to block Starsky's access to his rising emotion.
He shouted. "SAY IT!"
Hutch slowly began nodding in agreement, wordlessly mouthing his agreement until another aggressive shove from Starsky forced the words from Hutch's mouth.
The explosion came back to confront Starsky's accusation."RIGHT, DAMN IT! I SHOULD BE DEAD! Yeah-- Me! Not that rookie cop and not y--." Hutch abruptly stopped. Breathing hard like he couldn't contain his emotions. There was something Hutch had let slip out, that he was he was desperately trying to conceal.
And Starsky quickly picked up on it.
"Whoa, wait a second. You were gonna say …not me? What does that mean?"
Hutch hung his head.
Shocked, Starsky let Hutch slip from his grip. Starsky'sexpression sickened with the admission of the truth Hutch finally had spoken and it took the Starsky down, dropping him to the floor near Hutch.
Hutch sat up, maneuvering himself away from Starsky.
Starsky sighed and tiredly dragged a palm over his face. Feeling stupid for only just now seeing what the problem with Hutch had been from the very beginning. "This whole thing, isn't about you, is it?"
Hutch seemed to shrink under the weight of Starsky's observation. The last bit of fight in him fading away-- letting Starsky to see the naked vulnerability ofhis friend. The look on his face was one Starsky wouldn't ever forget. This was the essence of the man that was his partner and best friend.
"So Buddy," Starsky was bringing it all to the surface. "This is about me-- isn't it, Hutch?"
Hutch shrugged and shook his head like he was going to try and deny everything, but instead he started talking."I don't know what I'm doing here…I feel like it's just a waiting game, now. Like the next time is just 'round the corner… I don't wanna wait for some guy to jump out nowhere and come after one of us... and all I keep thinking is maybe things are all mixed up… like maybe, maybe I…I should have let go, Starsk. Maybe that was my time go. And…maybe next time… next time, it's you. Cuz I messed with how things should be. I mean-- it's just us out there. So it's gotta come down to--It's you or it's me…odds are fifty/fifty, right? Gonna be one of us, huh?" Finally, looking for the answers to all his questions in Starsky's face.
"So, let me get this straight--you feel obligated to chase after every bullet out there because one of 'em might have my name on it?"
Hutch contemplated the statementthat sounded perculiar to hear said outloud, especially with the tone Starsky had used to pronounce it.
"You're an idiot, you know that?"
Hutch blinked dumbly at the quip.
Starsky shook his head.
Defending his behavior, Hutch blurted out, "Look Starsky don't get me wrong, I…I don't ever want to go through that again. I don't want you to go through it either. But...I can't…watch you die…I can't do that. I just want...things to be right."
"So what? Things would 'be right' if you weren't here? Whattaya you mean? No way, Hutch. No way… better for me if you wuz dead. What, you think you messed with the odds by messing with fate? Buddy, there ain't no such thing as fate. Either you're supposed to be here or you're not. You bein' alive don't put my life in jeopardy. You dodgin' a bullet don't increase the chances of me taking one. That ain't up to you."
Hutch just shook his like it was too hard for him to process what Starsky was telling him.
"I got news for you, babe." Starsky continued, "You're here…cuz lotsa folks was prayin'...believed… believed in a miracle. Made some deals with God that, well, I for one am gonna keep."
Starsky's own words made him reflect. "Damn it, Hutch we both got this thing so twisted." An odd smile accompanied his next comment, "Guess I ain't helping you to let go of some of this stuff by making sure you always got your mittens clipped to your snow pants every time you leave the house."
Hutch studying the floor, smiled and replied, "Wouldn't be a good mom, if you didn't ask."
Starsky laid a hand on Hutch's leg." Buddy, don't put so much into why you're here. If, that's all you wanted know… I can tell you the answer to that one."
Starsky thought Hutch looked like a kid hearing the story about the tooth fairy for the first time as he waited for Starsky's answer.
"That's easy. You're here cuz…" his voice catching in his throat, Starsky lowered it an octave to get the rest of it out. "You're my partner. Simple. Watch my back and I watch yours, fight the bad guys, and keep Dobey on his toes."
Shaking his head in agreement, his eyes shiny with tears that spilled over, Hutch smiled at Starsky. "Yeah guess that's easy enough to remember."
"You're right where you're supposed to be. So don't go nowhere. Kay?"
Hutch sniffed and nodded. "Got it."
Starsky stood up, reaching down a hand to Hutch who took it, holding on to it with affection before allowing his friend to pull him to his feet. "Thanks, Starsk."
They stood face to face. "Anytime, partner." Starsky grinned.
Looking outside, Starsky said, "Don't look like that rain is ever gonna let up."
He made his way back to the kitchen. "Hey, how about some sandwiches. I'm starved?"
"Sure. " Hutch answered enthusiastically. Watching Starsky walk away, he called out, "What kind of deals, Starsk?" Hutch asked as he wiped some tears away with a shirt sleeve.
"Hey, that's between me and the big guy. I don't gotta tell you everything.," Starsky answered in a mocking voice and gave his friend a wink and a smile as he headed into the kitchen.
-o-
Watching the rain Starsky thought--
Some stories don't get told on the 11 o'clock news.
Lots of people watched the 11 o' clock news. Lots of people saw the story about the cop and the Russian ballerina. Some folks even followed the story of how the cop died at the scene- had miraculously survived after hours of surgery. That's all most people will ever know.
The Miracle Cop Story couldn't even begin to tell the story of the cop whose heart kept beating long after it had been stopped. Or tell the story of the cop's friends who believed in the power of prayer and of love and its power to change the world, to reach into forever and change reality.
How a great friend makes all the difference.
How would they ever know how deep a sacrifice such a man would still be willing to make time and time again to save those he loved?
They'd never hear about how that cop agonized over if he should choose life or death long after he walked out of the hospital door. Who was afraid he didn't belong here anymore…afraid his presence haunted those around him... but who had a friend to teach him something he had forgotten.
We are where we are, we are who we are, and prayers make us what we are, and love…love makes it all balance out somehow.
They wouldn't know that the cop, who was their breaking news report of the day, was free again to celebrate the life he had been given. Had lost nothing in death but gained everything in living, being a good friend, and in having a partner who would make him a cup of coffee and spend a quiet afternoon watching the rain wash away yesterday's pain.
Each one knowing the sun would bring a new day and, thank God, another chance to get this thing called life right.
Yeah, you'd never hear that on News at 11.
END