Life Story.

I walked into my house to find that for once it was silent. My dad had a dentist appointment and my stepmom took my little sisters to cheerleading practice. I went into my room and laid on my bed enjoying the peace and quiet. While doing this I began to think about my family and my life.

I thought back as far as I could to when I was younger. My little sisters, Jessica who was eleven and Rose who was five, always got treated better than me. They were preppy, popular, cheerleaders. Everything my stepmom wanted. I, on the other hand, was a tomboy. I played softball and didn't have many friends.

When I thought of softball, I thought of my dad. Softball was the one thing that brought us together. He would practice with me, and we would laugh and talk. When I was twelve, he forgot to sign me up. Once I stopped playing, our relationship began to fade. It hurt a lot having the person closest to me become distant. I tried to become closer with him, but it wasn't like it used to be.

He began to try to get me to be the perfect daughter. He would tell me that I needed to work out or that I should do something about my acne, meanwhile I didn't even have any. He also wanted me to have the perfect grades, meaning nineties or above. I always tried hard, but sometimes it wasn't good enough. If I got anything lower than an eighty he would tell me not to become a screw up.

He favored my youngest sister, Rose. My dad said what happened him and my mom got divorced was that she said she wanted the car and the house and he wanted me. I used to believe it until my mom told me a different story. I felt stupid for believing him, and mad that he would lie.

Now my stepmom and I have never gotten along. She treated me unfairly and treated my younger sisters like princesses. In my opinion, she was trying to relive her life through them. She bought them everything they asked for, meanwhile I didn't have half the things they did.

Even my dad said the only time my stepmom and I communicated is when we fought. As bad as I felt for putting him in the middle, I wasn't going to stay quiet when she did something unjust. I stick up for myself. No one else in my family did so I did it myself. I honestly only think my dad married her because they had Jess, and because she had a house.

My sisters, as I have said before, are exactly the kind of daughters she wanted.

Jess and I got along well most of the time. We're two very different people though, and sometimes we had big arguments.

Rose and I barely talked. We weren't that close, probably because of the age difference. Although we did have our sisterly moments, we're not best friends or anything.

My sisters, stepmom, and dad all called me 'goth' or 'princess of darkness". It really annoyed the Hell out of me. I don't believe in labels. Just because I wore black a lot, didn't make me goth, it just meant I liked the color. It hurt me that I was such an outsider in my own family.

My mom and I used to not get along because little kids weren't really her thing. That's why my little brother annoyed her. As I got older, we got closer.

She said the reason I live with my dad was because she moved around a lot and didn't want me to live a life like that. Ever since she got a house that I love, she's been asking me to really consider moving in with her. It was a hard decision that I didn't want to make because whatever I said, someone would get hurt. If I chose to live with my mom, my dad would get hurt. If I chose to continue living with my dad, my mom would get hurt and I would probably continue to be unhappy.

Last, but definitely not least was my eight year old little brother, Johnny. I loved him with all my heart, and I was lucky if I saw him five days a month, and not even in a row. I went to my mom's every other weekend, and because of my mom and stepdad's divorce, he wasn't always there when I was. It had been a month since I last saw him and I missed him terribly.

My ex stepdad also had a new girlfriend, Mary, and she had an eighteen year old daughter, Gabby. I was upset that my stepdad was replacing me with Gabby, so the last thing I needed was for my brother to replace me with her. He saw her more than he saw me and I was so scared that she would steal him away from me.

When I was done reminiscing about the people in my family, I began to think about my secrets. The things that not one person knew about me.

No one knew about James until I told Alli, Clare, and Jenna. I didn't know why, but I felt like I could trust them.

The top thing that nobody knew about me was that I cut myself. I cut since I was about twelve years old and my arms were covered with scars. I began to cut only in one spot, and that spot was my left wrist. I would cut the veins, or I would cut on top, or on the side. It was amazing how much damage could be done to just one part of my body. I covered the cuts with a black wristband that I wore everyday.

I had reasons for why I cut. One was that it made me feel in control of something. My life felt like it was glass, being thrown against the wall, and shattered into a million pieces. Cutting mad me feel like I could finally have control over something. I couldn't control my parents divorce, or what was going on with my brother, but I could control this.

Also, if I was going to feel pain, I could at least control when I felt it. And I would rather feel physical pain then emotion pain. Physical pain took my mind off of emotional pain.

It also relieved stress. I also cut when I was stressed out. I didn't know why, but when I was stressed, cutting relieved a lot of the stress. I actually felt good, and it made me feel relaxed.

The second thing that no one knew about me was that I liked to drink alcohol. I would fill my propel water bottles with four loko, whiskey, or white wine. I had a few bottles of it stashed in my room, and I only drank a little at a time though. I would drink just enough to keep me relaxed and in a good mood.

That thing no one knew about me was dumb and I didn't know why I didn't want anyone to know. It was that I had horrible nightmares every night. It was rare that I went a night without being scared when I woke up.

Those were all the things that no one knew about me, and I wanted it to stay that way. I didn't ever want anyone to find out.

I snapped out of my thoughts when I heard the front door slam. I heard feet on the floor so loud they sounded like a stampede.

Rose came into my room and turned on a movie. My sisters are allowed to watch TV in my room whenever they want and treat my room however they want. I had argued with my stepmom and dad many times about it, but they refused to take it out.

I took a few swigs of four loko from the propel bottle. That should be enough to keep me calm, I thought. I put it back in my bag.

Just then, I heard a 'ding' from my laptop that my grandparents bought me for Christmas two years ago. I went to go see who it was.