A/N. I'm pretty much done school for the semester except for one class and unfortunately, it's my hardest and most involved class. But still, the work load is a lot easier than what it used to be. I should be updating at a better pace now. It's a good thing because I'm kind of in love with this horrible story. Thank you so much for all of the lovely reviews. I don't own anything.
James didn't know how long he was forced to lay on the hospital bed and he didn't know how many random little tests and X-rays he was subjected to. While the doctors examined him carefully for physical injuries, he stared up at the ceiling and pondered his emotional well-being. He was a wreck. He couldn't think straight. It wasn't his concussion that kept him from answering the doctors' questions right away. It was the fact that his thoughts were constantly with Logan and not with himself. A sickening fear had rendered him paralyzed and he allowed himself to be studied as if he was an experiment. Silent tears tracked their way down his white face and every time the door of the examination room opened he would look up to see if it was the female nurse to tell him about Logan. But she never came.
Eventually, the doctors pronounced his examination finished. He had four broken ribs and a moderate concussion. Other than that, James only had a few bad bruises and scrapes that made him look worse off than he actually was. "All right." One of the doctors said cheerfully. "We'll get you settled in a more comfortable bed and hook you up to an IV and run morphine through it. How does that sound?"
He was being nice to James. They all were. James didn't deserve their care and concern. He deserved to be in pain. He deserved to be kept in the dark about Logan. But he couldn't stop himself from asking about his best friend once again. "What about Logan?" He asked in a whisper. He had done so much crying since the accident that he barely had any voice left at all but he could tell by the facial expression of the doctor he had spoken to, that his question had been heard.
"We don't know anything about your friend, James." The man said softly. "I promise that as soon as we know anything, you and your friends friends will be the first to know. For now just try to relax. Getting upset isn't going to help Logan right now."
The doctor was right of course. James knew that. He could only nod in response as more tears continued to blur his vision and soak the pillow underneath his head. He knew it would be best if he thanked all of the doctors for helping him but he also knew that if he opened his mouth he start sobbing uncontrollably all over again and he wouldn't be able to talk at all. He hoped that they knew how grateful he was.
The room he found himself in was quiet. He was hooked up to an IV just as he was promised and a nurse skillfully stuck a needle into the crook of his arm and almost instantly James felt the pain in his ribs and his head fade into nonexistence. His entire body felt heavy and weak, like a fifty pound bag of flour was laying on top of his chest. He tried to steady his labored breathing until finally he got used to the odd feeling. Then he was left alone to think.
But James was only left alone for about five minutes before the door opened once again and Kendall and Carlos rushed in followed by Mrs. Knight and Katie. His self-control was shattered the instant he saw the terror in his friends' eyes and James dissolved into a mess of wild sobs that threatened to tear him apart. He thought he had cried before and that he had run out of tears. But he was wrong.
"James." Kendall was the first to reach him and disregarding what the doctor had said about his broken ribs, the leader of Big Time Rush and the four friends sank down onto the side of the bed and pulled James into a tight hug. "Hey, James." He tried to say something else. He tried to tell his broken friend that everything would be okay. But the words stuck in his throat and he choked on them and his own tears.
James felt Carlos join in the hug, the younger boy's body shaking impossibly harder than his own. The morphine could only do so much and it had worked at first. But now that two of his friends were holding onto him like they would never let go and the fact that he was crying so hard he cold barely breath, made the pain return until it was so bad that he had to pull away before he passed out.
"James?" Carlos sounded small and scared. He sounded like a little boy, not like a sixteen-year-old guy. If James hadn't known him for eleven years he might not have even recognized him. Carlos looked so different. Even his naturally darker skin was pale and his eyes, usually bright and full of life, were dulled with an unspeakable fear. His bottom lip trembled and he bit down hard. "What happened?"
The question hurt even worse than the accusations James had expected. They didn't know. They had no idea what had happened. They only knew that he and Logan had been in a bad accident and that Logan was in critical condition. They didn't know that the whole thing was James' fault. He had to tell them.
James swallowed hard and cleared his throat. When he spoke, they all had to lean in closer to catch the faltering words. "It's my fault." He whispered.
"What?" Kendall blinked and pulled away to stare at James in disbelief. "James, don't do this to yourself." His green eyes were dark with concern and worry as he took in James' state. "Listen, we're all scared. But you can't blame yourself. It was an accident-"
"No." James protested. He didn't want to be the one to tell everyone exactly what had happened but it was only fair. He should take responsibility for his actions and suffer for whatever consequences they brought on. "It's all my fault. I. . . I was in a hurry and I ran a red light." He closed his eyes to keep from seeing the shock on their faces but he couldn't block out their gasps and cries of alarm. Then he made himself open his eyes.
Mrs. Knight had covered her mouth with one hand and wrapped her free arm around Katie who had shrunk back against her mother, hiding her face from James as she cried. Kendall's face had paled even more and Carlos shook his head as if in denial. James waited for his friends to start yelling at him. He wished they would do more. He wanted them to beat him until the doctors came in and stopped them. It would make perfectly good sense to him.
Instead Kendall and Carlos pulled him into another hug and somehow that made everything so much worse. He felt a motherly hand on his shoulder and he knew that Katie and Mrs. Knight were nearby as well. "James," Kendall whispered into his ear.
James pulled out of the comforting embrace and shook his head. "Don't say that it's going to be okay, Kendall." He whispered. "Because it might not and even if Logan is okay I will never forgive myself for this."
"It was a mistake." Kendall didn't try to hug James again but took his hand instead. "Everyone makes mistakes."
"But this isn't a little mistake, Kendall." James protested vehemently. "This is Logan's life we're talking about. I'm responsible for whatever happens. Nothing anyone can say is going to change that. This is all my fault."
"I know." Kendall finally admitted. The words were spoken slowly as if he would rather say anything else. "We all know that. But James, I also know that Logan wouldn't want you to be this upset. He'd want you to hope for the best. It was a mistake and a horrible accident but I know that Logan would forgive you if he could. We do." The oldest of the four boys watched helplessly as he best friend came undone again and he blinked back his own tears. "No matter what happens James, we'll be here for you. I promise."
He didn't deserve them. He never deserved them and now they were forgiving him for possibly killing Logan. It was wrong. James wanted to protest their forgiveness especially since he knew that he would never forgive himself. But he didn't. He accepted their forgiveness when he heard Carlos' voice begging him to let them stay friends. But then again, maybe it was more for his friends' sake than his own. Then he found himself wondering if everyone would still be as forgiving if they knew every detail. He wondered what they would think of him when they found out that he had insisted on driving his stupid car that hadn't passed inspection. He wondered what they would think of him when they found out that he and Logan had argued and that he had been nothing but a jerk to his best friend. He might as well get it over with.
James opened his mouth to explain but before he could get a word out, the door to his hospital room opened and a strange doctor walked in followed by the female nurse James had met earlier. Immediately, the words caught in his throat and he coughed and choked until someone handed him a glass of water. Somehow he managed to hold it in his shaking hand long enough to get a drink and settle the cough. "Logan." He finally whispered, unable to say anything else.
He strained to study the faces of the newcomers and read any signs so that he could get anything out of them. But they were both professionals and wore genuinely compassionate expressions that were somehow blank. The doctor traded a look with the nurse and then he looked at Mrs. Knight. "Logan's Mitchell's guardian?"
"Yes, that's me." Kendall's mother stood up from the chair she had collapsed into at some point during James' breakdown and confession and held out her hand. "I'm Lacey Knight. This is my daughter Katie, my son Kendall, and his two friends Carlos Garcia and James Diamond. She rattled off the names automatically and then took a deep breath. "How is he?"
The doctor took a deep breath and glanced at James. In the solitary second that his gaze lingered on the injured boy his mask fell away long enough for James to see worry in his eyes. But maybe it wouldn't have been so bad if his words hadn't been so ominous. "Mrs. Knight, maybe you should step outside with me."
"No." James was surprised that his voice worked at all and he couldn't believe that he sounded so calm. "Please. I need to know too." His heart pounded so hard inside his chest that he was sure everyone else in the room could hear it but he tried to calm himself down because he knew that there was no way he would find out about Logan if he started freaking out. "He's my friend." He finally croaked out.
The doctor hesitated and then nodded. "Very well then." He sighed and pulled up a chair to face them all. The nurse moved to the side of the bed that was empty and took James' free hand in both of hers and gave it a gentle squeeze. James tried not to think about how the gesture was one of comfort and not reassurance.
"Logan sustained several bad cuts and bruises over his body and his right leg was broken in two places." The doctor indicated to a couple of places on his own leg, one just above his ankle and the other right below his knee."
"Why wouldn't he wake up?" James vaguely noticed that his voice was a little higher than normal. Cuts and bruises and a broken leg were bad but in time they would heal. Logan was worse than that. He knew that.
Once again, the doctor looked at the nurse and her grip on James' hands tightened a little bit. "Logan's airbag didn't go off." The man said quietly. "Consequently, he hit his forehead very hard on the dashboard."
James heard Carlos whimper next to him and he closed his eyes briefly, hoping he would never have to near Carlos of all people make that sound again. "Is he going to be okay?" He heard his friend ask when his eyes were still shut. He opened them to make sure he didn't miss anything.
"He hit his head very hard." The doctor repeated slowly, as if he was still trying to figure out how to break the news to them. "Now, the good news is that he's breathing quite easily on his own."
The words returned the stolen oxygen to James' lungs. Logan was alive. Tears burned his eyes once again but it was out of pure relief. For a moment all he could think of was that Logan was alive and nothing else mattered. Then he forced himself back to reality. "What's the bad news?" He asked the question everybody wanted to ask even though they were afraid of the answer.
"The bad news is that Logan suffered a direct blow to the frontal lobe of his brain when his head hit the dashboard."
"What does. . . what does that mean?" Kendall stammered out.
His brain. James got stuck on the two words and they ran around in his mind like a torturous cassette tape stuck on repeat. His brain, his brain, his brain.
"I'm afraid that right now Logan is in a coma." The doctor apparently decided that the best way to break the news was to be brutally honest.
"A coma." Kendall repeated mechanically.
"Will he wake up?" Tears filled Carlos' eyes and he looked pleadingly up at the doctor.
The man looked at them sympathetically. "I'm afraid we have no way of knowing right now. The brain is the most important part of the body in terms of how we function, but it's extremely fragile and vulnerable. When Logan hit his head, his brain received most of the trauma, particular the frontal lobe
area. You need to be prepared that if Logan wakes up there is a good possibility that he has suffered a traumatic brain injury. The X-Rays we took a short while ago showed significant brain damage in the frontal lobe but there's no way of knowing the full extent of the damage while he's unconscious."
"Brain damage." James felt a numb feeling wash over him. "And you don't know how bad?"
"One of the major factors is the period of time he may remain comatose." The doctor said slowly, giving them all time to absorb the news. "That part is quite simple actually. The longer a patient stays in a coma, the less likely they'll ever come out of it. And if they do come out of it, their ability to recover depends on how long they were unconscious. For example if Logan wakes up tomorrow he could be fine. However if he wakes up in two weeks or even longer than he'll have less of a chance of recovery and the end results could be worse."
"What exactly is a traumatic brain injury?" Mrs. Knight finally spoke up, pulling Katie from her own chair and into her lap where she held her ten-year-old daughter tightly.
"A traumatic brain injury, or TBI for short, occurs when the brain suffers a severe blow from an outside force. The level of the severity of the TBI itself depends on several things such as how the injury happened and how long the victim was unconscious. Patients have been known to recovery completely and others have been known to made very good recoveries while needing assistance in certain areas. Unfortunately, a good number of TBI patients will need to depend on others for the rest of their lives in almost everything they do."
"Is there anything we can do?" Mrs. Knight asked, clinging to any bit of hope that the doctor left her with.
"If Logan wakes up it'll depend on how bad his injury is." The doctor informed them. "He'll most likely need therapy and rehab. But most of all he'll need those closest to him to just be there for him and accept him no matter what happens."
"Will he remember us?" Carlos blurted out, looking frightened by his own question.
Again, the doctor hesitated. "We don't know." He said honestly. "I can only tell you so much while he's unconscious."
"Can we see him?" James asked. "Please?"
The nurse beside him shook her head and spoke for the doctor. "James, you need to rest-"
"But I can't rest!" James exclaimed, trying to keep the hysteria away. "I need to see Logan. Please."
"James, not right now." The doctor said firmly but gentle. "I'm sorry but you do need to rest."
James wanted to protest further but he was paralyzed by fear. He tried to beg with his eyes but the doctor and the nurse weren't budging. They really were sorry but that didn't make it any easier. James slumped back against his pillows and closed his eyes. "When am I allowed to see him?" He asked, desperately.
"I'm afraid we'll have to wait and see about that as well. But the more you rest and relax, the quicker you'll recover."
James opened his eyes and claimed the attention of Kendall and Carlos. "Go see him." He instructed softly. "Please. Don't worry about me. Just. . . just go see him."
"James-" Kendall began.
"For me." James interrupted him. "Please, Kendall. Go see Logan for me. Tell him. . . tell him that I'm sorry for everything and that I love him and that he needs to wake up. Okay? Please."
To his relief, no one protested any farther. Kendall and Carlos and Mrs. Knight and Katie all gave James gentle hugs and then with Carlos and Kendall looking over their shoulders the entire time, they left.
"Can I get you anything, sweetie?" The nurse stood in the doorway and watched James.
"No." James shook his head. "No thank you. I just need to be alone right now."
She nodded in understanding. "Okay. Just press the call button over to your left if you need anything. Someone will be by to help you." She turned to leave and gave him one last smile. "Don't ever lose hope, James."
"Thank you." He said as he watched her leave. Then he was alone. He laid helplessly in his bed and stared up at the ceiling. He tried to process the doctor's words. It was devastating to say the least. Logan could still die and even if he didn't die he could be severely brain damaged. James tried for a full ten seconds to imagine what that would be like but it was impossible and made his heart hurt even more.
Still. There was something that bothered James more. Something that he couldn't quite put his finger on. It was something the doctor had said. He had said it more than once and James still couldn't remember it. He shut his eyes and replayed the entire conversation in his head even though it killed him to think about. Then he remembered.
"You need to be prepared that if Logan wakes up there is a good possibility that he has suffered a traumatic brain injury." "If Logan wakes up it'll depend on how bad his injury is.".
If Logan woke up. If. James understood then. The doctor was saying that Logan might never wake up.
A/N. I don't know how I'm going to write any more of this story because I think I died when I was writing it. We'll see if I can come back to life. If you liked this chapter, please review! School is starting to slow down and reviews inspire me and motivate me and inspiration and motivation increases the update pace! Thanks for the loyalty!