Disclaimer: Anything remotely resembling Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer. Any of the stories within, belong to me. Please do not copy or translate without permission.

Not Going There

Chapter 4

After Mike dropped the bomb on the Riley situation, the silence felt so thick I started looking around for a knife. Edward sat across from me stone faced and quiet. The earnest expression, so light and joking, was replaced with indifference, watchful eyes and a bland, professional smile.

"Where did you hear that?" I asked, actually surprised to hear it myself. I'd only run into Riley yesterday afternoon, and there hadn't been any confirmation of a date. A suggestion to call me and ask me about dinner, yes...but still, no concrete plans.

"I just saw him last night at practice. Seems like he's pretty keen on ya," said Mike, grinning.

"No definite plans right now, Mike," I said, attempting to brush it off.

"Well, it'd be great if you did. He's a really a good guy."

I knew that but could only nod and give him a tight-lipped smile. Edward still hadn't said anything, hadn't really even moved, and I suddenly felt uncomfortable in my own skin, unsettled by the change in the atmosphere.

"Well, I'll see you guys later, just came by to drop the 'Burb off for Jess." He turned to me completely unaware of the tension. "See you tomorrow night on shift."

"Yeah, bye," I said absently, hesitating a look at Edward. His eyes were focused on the coffee in front of him, fingers lightly drumming the side of the cup.

"Later, Cullen."

"Newton," he said, lifting his fingers slightly.

With Mike's departure, there was nothing to say. I wanted to apologize for some reason, though I had no clue as to what I should even be apologizing for. I could tell by the tightness in his jaw and the crease between his brow that the simple exchange with Mike had struck a nerve, but I wasn't entirely sure why. I hadn't done anything wrong, per se, but Edward's abrupt shift in demeanor made me feel like I had. And, deep down, I also felt…embarrassed. And that was a feeling I did not want to experience.

I'd had enough of that to last a lifetime.

"So a date, huh?" he said, spinning a creamer with his fingers.

Oh.

Now I got it. I sighed and attempted to be casual about it. "We just talked about getting together for dinner," I said as I straightened out my napkin.

He hummed a little and nodded.

"Is there… something wrong?"

"Just curious as to why you didn't want to call this a date." He was trying to be laid-back in his remark, but I could see his other hand still flexing around his coffee cup.

Nervously cracking my knuckles under the table, I realized then, how bad everything must have looked from his perspective. I had basically said 'no' to any date with him, and had agreed to what he thought was a date with another man.

It seemed that, impossible as it may be, Edward did seem to have some sort of interest in me. How much or how strongly I didn't quite know, but I sensed that it was there—hell, I'd just been thinking about giving in to at least going on one date with him not five minutes before despite my aversion to dating a fellow officer.

It was important that he understood where I was coming from, if we were going to be friends. I didn't want anything to ruin the rekindling of our friendship when we had practically grown up together….even if it only ended up being that for now. Taking a moment, I tried to choose the right words—to figure out what I wanted to say.

I peered into my coffee cup. "Do you, um, know anything about my marriage…about what happened?"

His tone was quiet too as he answered, "Bit and pieces, but not much."

Looking up from my hands, I said, "I'm going to tell you a story, then, because I feel like I should explain why I am the way I am. "

He looked at me, his face still masked. "Okay, I'm listening."

"I won't bore you with the 'whys' because the 'how' is what's important. "

He looked at me, and like a dam, I burst.

"Katie was two when I quit the force to stay home with her. It was my choice, ya know? My mom…well, I wanted my daughter to have something different. So, there I was, the stereotypical 'stay at home mom', baking and cleaning and hooked on SpongeBob against my will. I'd lost touch with my co-workers, had no clue on the gossip at the station besides what I picked up from James."

Just remembering it all hurt so damn much. I hated that he'd done what he'd done, but the attention and stares after…

I cleared my throat. "Anyway. Imagine my surprise when one of the girls from administration called me out of the blue. She said she couldn't stand it anymore, that she felt bad for being part of my husband making a fool out of me. Maybe that was the truth, or maybe she was just mad 'cause he'd moved on from her to my ex-partner, I don't even know…"

"Shit…Bella, I had no idea—".

I held up my hand. "Don't worry; trust me when I say I've heard it all before. Basically, everyone knew more than I did, and by the time I found out, I was humiliated. I was betrayed by James, the woman who I thought was my friend, and in front of all of my peers. Just... splayed open for the world to see."

A look of understanding came over his face. No matter that he was older, he still had known me way back when and had to realize how much that sort of attention would bother a girl who'd been so quiet and shy growing up.

"So after that, I swore off of dating any and all law enforcement officers. I just don't ever want that personal kind of scrutiny at work again. Especially in a small town. I love my job and don't want to lose it or have to move. Ya know?"

He looked deep in thought even as I asked that question."I think I understand."

A little stunned with my frank honesty—really, I'd told him more than I'd even told Rose, who only thought I just had a problem with the male variety cop—I sat back and glanced out of the window.

Hell, I hadn't even been that honest with myself.

His quiet was starting to get under my skin, itching in that prickly way that attention always made me feel. I waved my hand, attempted a smile. "Why would anyone want to date me anyway? Single mom, too much of a pain in the ass to even begin to describe…"

"Don't. Don't put yourself down that way, Bella. It's beneath you. Please. Who wouldn't want to date you? If I had a chance, I'd be there. It hasn't changed," he said, looking up and out the window, too.

Jess reappeared at the table, "How about a piece of pie this afternoon? I have some fresh apple and a banana cream waitin' on the shelf."

I ignored her because… damn. Had he really just said that?

Edward turned to me and prompted, "Bella?" I shook my head. "Apple for me, please," he said.

"Coming right up," she said, smiled, and then walked away from the table.

I sat there, dumbstruck, recapping everything in my head. I had figured after he'd gone to school, all had been forgotten. I had let myself dream of it from time to time, only to tuck it away like a memory book and revisit it when my heart needed to feel whole.

"I had no idea," I said, in almost a whisper.

"Doesn't matter. You've pretty much stated your case, and I can't fault you for it," he said, in an unconvincing tone.

And that bothered me. I was being honest with him, so why couldn't he show me the same? Jess returned to deliver his pie and he tucked in immediately. The sound of the fork to his plate sounded louder to me each time, with him deliberately spearing each bite.

I didn't know what to do; everything felt so awkward. Gone was the easy conversation and light-hearted banter. After a few moments he spoke again without looking up. "What's most important to me is that we're friends. I'll do whatever it takes to keep that."

My throat tightened a little. After a lengthy pause, I replied, "Thank you."

"For what?" he said, looking up at me, his eyes softening a little.

"For understanding."

He shrugged his shoulders and took another bite of pie. Jess dropped off our check, and as I reached to grab it, his fingers landed on mine. I hadn't been doing a very good job of lying to myself—the incredible sensation of his touch had never gone away. Heat soared through my body.

"I've got it. After all, I asked you," he said wryly, pulling the ticket and his hand slowly away. He pulled a few bills from his wallet, tossed them on the table, and nodded his head toward the exit as he got up out of his seat.

As we walked out of the diner, I waved at the Copes. Shelley gave me a knowing look and a wink, and I returned a small smile with Edward following me out the door. He walked with me, so quiet that it hurt, over to my truck.

I paused, touching the door handle, and turned before I opened it. He was so close; I could feel everything about his presence surrounding me.

"Thank you, again. It was really good to spend some time with you," I said. My heart was pounding out of my chest, trying to get my head to do a one-eighty.

"You too. We should do this again… sometime," he said with a slight hesitation before looking away. His hands were stuffed in his pockets and he rocked on his feet a little.

"Yeah, that'd be nice," I said, giving him a small smile. I climbed into my truck and headed out of the parking lot toward home.

That was the second time I had driven away from him, and I still regretted letting him go.

O=^=C

On Sunday, Riley had called about a dinner date later in the week. I thought about it briefly and called him back almost immediately to confirm. There was no sense in being a hermit—besides, if things didn''t work out, it was okay. I didn't think I was ready for anything serious quite yet, but there was no harm in at least trying to put myself out there. I needed to go out, make new friends, and date a little—it wouldn't kill me.

And maybe, just maybe, I was doing this to prove something to myself. I could do this—I had no reason to be scared.

Thursday evening approached, and I dug through my closet in search of something to wear. I hadn't purchased anything for myself in so long that I wondered if I'd be able to fit in to what I did have. I almost missed Alice constantly trying to make me over in high school…almost. She always knew what looked good on me. .

I was trying to slip a sandal over my foot while hopping on one leg—it had been a while since I'd dressed up for anything that the whole process felt awkward—when a little voice came from thedirection of the bathroom.

"Mama!"

"What, honey?" I yelled back to her.

My door swung open and banged against the wall.

"Look!"

At first all I could see was her bloody fingers and I began to freak out, but then she opened her fist. In the middle of her palm was a tooth.

"I lost my first tooth!"

"Wow! Look at that!" I said, choking up a little. So silly the things moms got emotional over… Back in the day, the sight of blood would have made me pass out.

"I have to tell Grampa!" Excited, she took off running down the stairs.

I took one last look in the mirror, wiped my eyes before my makeup could run, and grabbed a sweater from my closet.

Katie was babbling non-stop as I headed down the stairs. He voice carried, as did my dad's enthusiastic exclamations at her story of why it fell out ("Grandpa! Everyone has to get rid of their baby teeth or they'd have monster mouths!"), how it happened ("I wasn't pulling on it that much, I promise!"), and what she was going to do with it ("Do you think the Tooth Fairy will leave me a lot of money? I want a new Barbie…").

He looked up at me as I walked into the kitchen, and we both tired not to laugh.

"Mom," she said with urgency, "I need to go get my tooth pillow!"

Charlie looked at me as she scampered out of the room. "Didn't know what happened with all of that blood on her, but with all of the chatter, I knew she was fine. Now she can't stop talking about it," he said, chuckling.

"I know. She's been looking forward to this for awhile. Will you make sure it gets washed off and into the pillow so the 'Tooth Fairy' can take care of it tonight?"

"Sure. Know when said fairy will be back?"

"Not late. It's only dinner. I don't plan on being out past eleven."

"Okay. Be safe," he said.

"Where are you going?" Katie asked, reappearing in the doorway with her little pillow in hand.

I squatted down and looked into her big brown eyes, sweeping her ponytail behind her shoulder. "I'm going to dinner with a friend in Port Angeles. Mommy will be back after you go to bed, honey."

She looked at me blankly for a few moments, eyes beginning to well up. "But, you can't go I need you here."

I hugged her. "I won't be long, baby. Promise."

"No!" she wailed and stomped her foot. And then her bottom lip came out and the sniffling started.

Great. I looked over at my dad, who was biting his lip in an attempt not to smile. I was no good at corralling tantrums—I didn't like to see her upset and gave in all too often. Here I was, trying to do something for myself for the first time in ages, and I was met with the ire of my baby girl.

For a brief moment, I considered calling the whole thing off, but then shook my head.

"Bug, listen. Mommy'll be back in a little bit. Grampa will be here with you just like every time I go to work."

"No!" she said and sat down on the floor in a huff. Covering her face with her hands, she whimpered, "You can't go!" and burst into tears.

I stood staring at her in disbelief—she never does this. All of the times she should have and didn't…I was just floored. As the crying got louder, and I knew she had reached the point of no return, I leaned over to pick her up. God, she's getting heavy. She remained stiff and crumpled in her sitting position as I lifted her. At that point she was full on sobbing. I stood there stroking her hair, rocking her back and forth and quietly whispering to her until she began to breathe normally again.

I was certain my blouse was ruined, and that was a shame…but her being upset was more important.

In my mind, I knew she'd have to get used to me having a life. There was no way in hell I'd ever leave her out, but I also knew I needed some sort of balance. It still broke my heart in two that she was taking this so bad.

Finally, when she had completely stopped crying and we were down to sniffles, I said, "I'll be home in a little while and Grampa will tuck you into bed. Then I promise I'll be here when you wake up. Okay?"

She nodded her head against my neck.

"So I'm gonna give you to Grampa now, and then I'll come in and kiss you goodnight when I get home."

"'Kay," she said, sniffing.

I handed her over to Charlie and mouthed "Thanks for the back up." He chuckled a little and hugged her even tighter.

"What do you say we go watch 'Up!' before you go to bed? Sound good?" he said, patting her on the back.

"Yeah," she said. He smiled at me as he carried her out of the room. I ducked into the bathroom to take a quick, final look. Only a small tear stain on my shoulder—that would dry before I hit PA.

I met Riley at Wild Fire in Port Angeles. One of my favorite places. I figured it'd be relatively neutral for a casual dinner.

He stood right outside the door, looking great, as usual. "You look fantastic," he said as he met me with a brief hug.

I smiled at him warmly. "Thanks."

Riley was an incredibly funny storyteller. He told me stories about working as a shipbuilder in Port Angeles and how it was different from the big city but busy nonetheless. We chatted about the remodel on his house and various things he had planned coming up. I was fine with listening tonight, feeling a little protective of myself since Edward's revelation the other day.

I had a lot to think about, and wasn't sure which direction to go yet.

As I sat there, listening and watching Riley animatedly telling a story, his voice faded into the background. I started to think wish that Edward was sitting across the table; I wanted to be listening to his stories.

This is screwed up, I thought. I couldn't believe myself. I was dining at a restaurant, across from a nice, intelligent guy and all I really wanted was something—someone—else.

After we finished dinner and dessert, Riley turned to me outside and asked, "Do you want to go and get a drink someplace else? We could head down to the Wine Bar or Downrigger's."

"That sounds nice, it really does, but I'm gonna have to pass. I don't drink when I have to drive home to Forks."

"You can always crash at my house, you know. I have a spare room."

Slightly unnerved, I looked at him, and he threw up his hands in self-defense.

"No strings, Bella. Just a place to stay."

"Oh, I know that, Riley. Thank you, but no. I need to be home for my daughter in the morning, and I also have Tooth Fairy duty tonight."

"That definitely takes precedence," he said sincerely. I grinned at his understanding, thinking it was nice to not have to explain that one too much. "Will I see you at the baseball fields?"

"We may stop by for a game on Saturday."

"Hope you do. Glad you came in for dinner." Taking one of my hands and smiling down at me, he said, "I really had a great time."

Then he kissed me on the cheek. His touch was soft, sweet, but there wasn't any spark behind it for me. I thanked him again for dinner and said I'd be in touch.

The hour and fifteen minute drive home from Port Angeles gave me plenty of time to think. I thought about my behavior during dinner. In my mind, I'd basically sabotaged any kind of relationship with Riley before it even started. I'd accepted the date for all the wrong reasons. Maybe I still wasn't ready yet.

Why didn't I want a guy who would be a safe choice?

Why did I want someone who could potentially steal my heart, again?

Ugh. And now I was back in the Edward zone, and admittedly being a smidge unfair. Why did I try to label him because he was in law enforcement? Edward had never shown me anything other than who he was, who he'd always had been. With a start, I realized that what happened with James was incredibly unfortunate, but that I was making everyone else pay for my choices and mistakes.

The reason, I finally figured out, was that I was trying to avoid my feelings for Edward, period. I was lying. All that I knew and all that I felt with my entire being was that I wanted him in my life again, more than anything.

I turned the volume up on the stereo as loud as it would go, listening to Incubus ask what was so wrong with being happy. Oddly fitting song for the night...

When I pulled up to the house, it was about quarter after eleven. The lights in the house were out, but Dad had left the porch lights on. I sighed, deciding that I was done over thinking things tonight—tomorrow I'd look at everything with a fresh head.

What I didn't see was the figure sitting on the porch steps, so I jumped back. Immediately on alert, I held my breath and flipped a key in between my index and middle finger. I thought of anything else I could use for self-defense, and remembered there was a can of mace in my bag.

"Hey," said the smooth voice in front of me.

"Shit, Edward. You scared me!" I said, breathing out harshly.

"Sorry, wasn't intentional."

"Good thing I didn't have my sidearm with me. What are you doing here? Is everything alright?"

He was sitting on the steps in jeans and a black t-shirt, with his elbows on his knees, hands laced together. He looked nervous, and I instantly started to worry that something was wrong with Esme or Alice…

"I came over because I needed to talk to you."

"Now? At this time of night?" I said, my heart still beating a million miles a minute. I took a deep breath and sat down next to him.

"Couldn't wait. I called earlier and Charlie told me you'd gone in to PA… on a date." This last part came out laced with slight disdain.

Was I detecting a hint of jealousy here? My ego may have liked it a little bit. "It was just dinner with a friend," I offered.

"Riley?"

"Yes," I answered, watching his face.

He ran his hand over his hair and let out a big sigh. "Look. I'm going to be straight up with you because I need you to know what's going on here, even if it makes me sound like an ass."

I hesitated for a few moments. "Okay."

He gestured with his hands, a trait I remembered from days gone by. His words came out in a flurry. "I don't want you to go out with anyone else." And I know I don't have the right to say that, but hear me out."

I was surprised by his admission and watched as he fidgeted a little.

He cleared his throat. "This is probably going to sound idealistic, but I don't care. I've had a thing for you since we were kids. It was the whole reason I told you anything in the first place that night on my roof. I wanted it out there, but because you were still in high school and I was, well, heading off to college, I realized we were at very different places in our lives. But I wanted more—I wanted a chance when you were ready…even if it wasn't going to happen right then. "

His words came out slowly, as if he was struggling with putting them in the right order...or he was having a hard time saying them in the first place.

"So I put you out of my mind for the time being; dated other people, enjoyed the college experience. It didn't work quite the way I thought it would—I ended up comparing those girls to you. By the end of my sophomore year I was done pretending…but you'd gone off to WSU by then. So I went to the Academy, was looking forward to coming home at the end of it and telling you when I heard you'd gotten married. At that point, I knew I had to let go and make a life of my own. I tried and failed miserably. Only later did I understand that I went into marriage for all of the wrong reasons."

I was having a hard time digesting what he was telling me. He was pouring out a part of himself that I never knew existed. His words were raw and so, so off what I'd always assumed. I'd felt the same about him for years, and to know we'd missed each other time and again made my heart ache.

"After it was over with Heidi, I didn't feel sad. I know that sounds odd. I mean, I was married to her. I thought I loved her, but I wasn't in love with her. I liked my position with the county in Vancouver and was doing really well in the department, but when I heard you were back home, I wanted to come back, too. The position with Clallam County opened up and I didn't hesitate."

He'd come back because I was here? Oh, my god.

"Just seeing you again brought back all of those memories I'd pushed down from so long ago. I can't push it down anymore. I won't. When I heard you actually went out with this Riley guy, I about fucking lost it. You're not even mine, and I can't stand the thought of losing you—again. "

I sat there looking at him in the dull glow of the porch light. His short hair was only slightly longer on top, but I could see he'd run his hands though it a lot. I noticed the muscles in his jaw clenching and how he pumped his leg quickly, nervously. My mind reeled from everything he'd just laid before me.

I placed my hand on his thigh to still his leg.

"Let's get this over with."

O=^=C

A/N: Thanks to caren and kimmy for your pretty comments, teresa for your tireless belief in this and nic, oh, how I love the way your mind works. xo Brilliant.