trigger warning: self harm

The air was was warm but a cool breeze blew across his yard making the night seem...just perfect. Joshua sighed, eyes staring up at the night sky, clear of any clouds so the stars were visible. He recently came to love nights like these. Living in a bustling city like he did, being able to actually see the stars was a rare occurrence and only recently had he learned to even look up at them when he could.

Why?

Who was it that made him realize it?

Violet eyes slide to the side, peering next to him. He didn't dare move his body though, instead focusing on the sound of the pencil moving swiftly against paper. How Neku could draw in such little light was beyond his knowledge but he had already given up trying to figure that out.

"You moved."

Mouth twitched up into an amused smile and Joshua turned his gaze back to the night sky, "Sorry Neku." It was a simple response but there was a light teasing tone to it. He didn't have to look to see the eye roll his friend would have given him. He was more than that though, and both of them knew it even though neither said it. The most that ever came out was the odd kiss, sneaking around behind everyone else's backs. But that was all they needed because it was times like this that were most precious to them.

So why did this scene seem so sad? What was this dread in his stomach?

Joshua sighed, eyes closing to block out the sky. He needed to relax, there was nothing to be scared of after all.

Eyes opened and the scenery had changed.

Thats right. This was why he was scared.

He didn't want to see this again. Neku lying motionless on the bathroom floor. Pools of red flowing from his wrists.

No, no, no, no, no!

Tears started to fall from his eyes and Joshua shook his head rapidly.

"N-Neku...!"

Eyes shot open and Joshua quickly sat up, breathing heavily. That dream again. Always that dream, always the same. Why? He didn't need to remember that, he didn't want too! Joshua felt the tears start to gather in his eyes as his body started to shake. He shook his head; he needed to calm down. Just calm down, calm down. Choking down a sob he quickly slipped out of the bed, not even noticing the still sleeping form of Sanae lying next to him. Stumbling a little in the dark Joshua successfully managed to get to the bathroom, turning on the light and shutting the door...well mostly.

Making his way over to the sink Joshua looked at himself in the mirror. He was a mess, and anyone who looked at him could see that. He choked on another sob, gasping against the sudden wave of sorrow as the tears fell steadily down his cheeks. He gripped the bathroom sink tightly, trying to steady himself so he wouldn't fall. That dream always did this too him. No matter how hard he tried he couldn't get over Neku's death and instead it just haunted him.

Wasn't that why he left in the first place though? To get away from that memory? That sorrow? Eyes squeezed shut as another wave of sobs hit him, falling down to the his knees Joshua buried his face in his arms, still resting on the counter. The image of Neku lying dead remained clear behind his eyes and even though he didn't want to see it it wouldn't go away.

Wake up! He screamed inside, It's just a dream! Go away...! Please go away...! But it wouldn't go away, no matter how much he willed it to it remained. Sliding off the counter Joshua rested fully on the ground, gaze staring up at the ceiling.

"...Why Neku...why did you do it...?" He whispered between the sobs. He couldn't last like this much longer. He needed to get out of this state. To wake up. Yes, that was it. He needed to wake himself up.

"...Wake up..." Eyes drifted to the slightly ajar bathroom door, spotting his bag just beyond the entrance. He needed what was in it.

It would wake him up...

To say Sanae hadn't woken up when Joshua had would have been a lie. The boys startled awakening caught his attention but upon seeing the distressed look that was on the others face He decided best to remain 'asleep'. He peeked an eye open when the light to the bathroom switched on, noticing that Joshua hadn't closed the door properly. He frowned, staring curiously at it. What was Joshua doing in there? He heard a few sobs and Sanae sat up in bed slowly, concern flooding through him. Should he go check on Joshua or leave him be?

After what happened earlier that night Sanae wasn't sure of what he should or shouldn't do at this point. Maybe Joshua was still drunk and this was the after affect of the alcohol? An eyebrow cocked up curiously as a hand flicked out the bathroom door, grabbing the duffle bag and pulling it inside. Just what was the kid doing? The sobs had died down a little at least...maybe he should check on him now. He might be a little calmer at this point.

Deciding it should be okay Sanae slipped out of the bed, walking quietly over to the bathroom door, "Hey Josh...you okay in there...?" He called out quietly, opening the door just a little further so he could look inside. What he saw stopped him cold in his tracks, eyes widening in shock. Joshua stared up at him, equally, if not more so, in shock. The boys eyes were red from crying, color drained from his face so he looked almost white. His usual sweater had been discarded to the floor next to him exposing the flesh of his arms...and his scars.

They ran from his wrist to his elbow, some looked precise, others looked rash and jagged, there were old, some fairly new and then there was the one currently bleeding, the blade still sitting near the end of the thing scar. Without giving it much thought Sanae rushed over, grabbing the blade from Joshua's hand.

"What do you think you're doing?!" He snapped, fear and concern for the boy he just so recently became acquainted with controlling his actions. Joshua simply gave a cry out, his uninjured arm grabbing out for the blade Sanae was holding from him. The rational part of Sanae's mind knew this wasn't the right way to be handling the situation but at this point in time irrational won and he just kept the blade out of reach from Joshua.

"G-Give it back...!" The boy whined, desperately trying to get what he desired from the older man.

"No," Sanae said simply, sternly, "I'm not letting you do this! Why are you doing this?"

"You wouldn't understand!" Joshua all but shrieked, tears starting to fall steadily down his face once more. Hearing that response just made things a worse for Sanae; He needed to calm down and handle this rationally but for some reason he couldn't. He was worried, so much so that he was angry and Joshua's answer heightened that anger.

"That's not a real answer!" Sanae retorted, "You really think this is the answer to your problems?!"

"R-Right?! Like you'd know what my problems are?!" Joshua cried out, "You don't even know me, so what exactly would you know?!"

Sanae opened his mouth to retort but found himself unable to. Joshua was right, they had only met today...well yesterday technically so what would he know about him? Anger depleted a little and he looked down at the blade he had taken from Joshua before back at the boy. Joshua had turned his gaze from Sanae to his lap, shoulders shaking from uncontrolled sobs while he held his injured wrist tightly in his hand, specks oh blood seeping through his fingers. Sighing, Sanae stood up, grabbing a towel from the rack above the toilet.

"Here..." He said simply, handing it to the boy, "Stop the bleeding with this...I think I have a first aid kit in my truck." Joshua's response was only to shake his head, not once looking up from his lap.

"I don't want your help!" He snapped, voice horse from crying, "I don't need anyone's help!"

"...Yeah well you're getting it anyway, so tough." Sanae stated simply in response, dropping to towel on the blonds head, "Don't even think about leaving this room while I'm gone." With that said he walked out, grabbing a card key on his way out of the room.

"Where the hell is that thing..." Sanae muttered, digging around in the backseat of his truck. Hands shook as he pushed through the mixture of garbage and bags of his art supplies and clothes. He really needed to clean out his truck, this was ridiculous. It didn't help that he was still trying to calm his nerves from what he just saw Joshua doing. Taking a deep breath Sanae stopped what he was doing, standing up and leaning against the truck. He thought back on the few hours he had known Joshua; were there any signs at all suggesting that he committed self-harm?

The only thing that came to mind was the sweater. Joshua never took it off and it was obviously a little to big for him; the sleeves almost covered his hands, only his fingers showed along with the top of his thumb. Sanae hadn't thought much of it when he first met him, after all the weather was getting colder but now he started to wonder if perhaps that's why he wore it. To cover his scars.

Shaking his head Sanae turned back to the truck, reaching inside to try another bag. He would dwell on the subject later, for now he had to worry about getting the first-aid before Joshua decided to run off. A bit of relief flooded through him when at last he found it, but it was short lived. A pack of cigarettes was in the same bag that held the first-aid. He sighed once more, scratching the back of his head absentmindedly before slipping the pack into his pockets.

So much for trying to quit.

Locking up the truck Sanae made the quick trip back to the Hotel room, half expecting Joshua to be gone by the time he arrived. He couldn't help but feel both relieved and surprised to see him still there; sitting on the bed with his knees pulled up to his chest, the towel still wrapped around his injured arms. Joshua looked up once when Sanae walked in before quickly averting his gaze. Sanae sighed before sitting down next to the boy.

"Give me your arm." He spoke gently, yet firmly, not really sure how he should approach him right now. Joshua didn't remove at first, and for a moment Sanae wondered if he was just going to ignore him. Finally Joshua shifted, tucking his legs underneath him and holding his arm out to Sanae. Sanae offered him a small smile before taking hold of the injured arm, removing the towel, and proceeded to fix him up.

No words passed between them in the process, and Joshua barely made a sound, even as Sanae put the disinfectant on the cut. In fact Joshua didn't even look at him, just kept his gaze on the TV in front of the bed. Sanae couldn't help but take glances at him as he worked, wrapping the bandage around the boys wrist. He wanted to ask so many questions but after loosing his cool the moment he saw Joshua with the knife he decided against it. If anything the important thing right now was to get Joshua to trust him, even if it was a little, before asking the reason for why he did this.

securing the bandage Sanae let Joshua's hand go, "There you are." He stated softly. Joshua pulled his arm back and returned to his earlier position, legs pulled up to his chest, chin resting on his knees. Sanae stared at him for a moment before sighing, setting the first-aid kit aside, and shifting so he was leaning against the headboard of the bed. He needed to say something, but what? In fact was it even a good idea to say anything?

"I'll leave you alone tomorrow..."

Sanae blinked before turning to look at Joshua, surprised that he spoke but more surprised by what he said. He opened his mouth to reply but Joshua continued, "It's probably better that way anyway...I'll just be a burden to you..."

"...No," Sanae spoke up, leaning towards Joshua and placing a hand on the boys shoulder, "Joshua you are not a burden. You just...you took me by surprise, that's all." Joshua shook his head, burying his face in his knees and hugging his legs tighter.

"...Liar..." He muttered.

"I'm not lying," Sanae sighed and shook his head, "I've never...Josh I've never known anyone who..." was there even a delicate way to put it? He trailed of unsure, noticing Joshua peeking up at him from his knees. Giving another sigh Sanae leaned back once more against the headboard, turning his gaze towards the ceiling.

"...When I was young...my mother died and I was left with my father who became an alcoholic..." He began slowly, "He used to come home drunk and...well he would beat me. As I got older I started spending less time at home but it still didn't take away the emptiness...so I turned to drugs." He had never told that to anyone before, and even saying it now, out loud, he felt a nervous edge twist in his stomach. He sighed, shrugging and turned back to Joshua. He wasn't really up to telling more of the story anyway.

Joshua however was looking right at him now, face expressionless. Silence took them over once more; nobody moved, nobody spoke. Finally Joshua scooted over to Sanae, twisting his body so he could lean against him, burying his face in the older mans shirt. Sanae didn't move at first, a little surprised by Joshua's actions, before slowing reaching an arm around the boy, holding him close.

"...You still don't understand..." Joshua muttered, voice muffled by Sanae's shirt. Sanae chuckled lightly before nodding.

"You're right I don't...and even if you explained it to me I doubt I ever will." He agreed. He couldn't see it but Joshua smiled a little at that.

sorry this took so long. The thing about this story is that it's kind of my vent system, it's what helping me atm. I rewrote Sanae's reaction to Joshua a few times, trying to figure out how to go about it but i figured this was the best way for it. I could have gone sympathetic from the start but it didn't flow properly and like...i dunno. it's hard to explain. can i just ask we dont comment on that? please? Also I've never written anything like this before but like...everyone who does some form of self harm has there own reasons for it, for me it was to focus on a pain outside of what was inside, or something like that. Joshua's is obviously different but i hope it makes sense.