As Ianto handed Jack his coffee across the kitchen bar, he could tell that the young man had something on his mind. A small frown betrayed his usual mask; however, Jack knew better than to poke at those cracks. Over the past four weeks, he had slowly begun to regain Ianto's trust, and the last thing he wanted was to put that in jeopardy. If Jack was the one who could answer whatever was plaguing the young man, Ianto would ask him, in his own time.
Finally he breathed deeply and said quietly, "You've loved and lost. How do you… how do you bear it, every day for the rest of your life?"
"You don't seem to be doing so badly," Jack hedged, looking around the flat as he gathered his thoughts. The younger man been reading again, watching some old films from the looks of it — and a leather-bound journal lay on the coffee table, a pen tucked into its pages.
Ianto managed to make a breath sound like a scoff of disbelief. "Continuing to exist isn't the same as moving on, sir."
Jack folded his hands around his mug as he contemplated his answer. He wasn't sure whether he was the best or the worst person to be giving this advice; at any rate, he didn't think it would be good for either of them if he offered his own standard remedy of cut your losses and head for the hills with a new identity. He wondered idly if that had ever occurred to Ianto — and if so, why the younger man had decided to stay.
"Sometimes, continuing to exist is all that you can do," he said slowly. He looked up to meet Ianto's eyes as he added, "But eventually, you'll find that you've been continuing to live, not just exist." He took a deeper breath, and hoped he wasn't making a mistake. "Your life doesn't end with her," he stated as gently as possible, "though I know that it may seem that way. But if it had, we wouldn't be having this conversation. And I know that you have more regrets than losing her," he pressed, leaning forward to hold those blue eyes. "I know that everything that happened that day has been eating at you as much as the sheer agony of the fact that she's not in the world anymore. But you are still here, Ianto, and that means that one half of those regrets can still be fixed."
Jack sighed, and lowered his eyes. He pinched the bridge of his nose, resting his forehead on his hand. "What do I know," he murmured, half to himself. "Love's different for everybody."
"It is kind of a funny thing that way," Ianto murmured. His elegant fingers circled each other idly on the countertop, and Jack found himself mildly entranced by the young man's hands. "In all sorts of ways. Even working for Torchwood…" He fidgeted minutely in his seat, frowning slightly at his hands; Jack waited, realizing that this was probably something Ianto had been musing over for a long time. The young man continued, steadily but with a quiet hesitation, as if he were still thinking things through as he spoke. "When it's you in danger, knowing someone loves you can make you stronger. But then when it's them in danger, it makes you vulnerable."
"It can also give you the strength to save them," Jack pointed out.
"The blind strength," Ianto replied tiredly. "The blind hope. I don't know, Jack. I — I don't regret loving Lisa… not at all…" his blue eyes closed, bright spots fading into his pale face. "It didn't make me strong, though, in the end. It only made me vulnerable — susceptible. I couldn't think logically… not enough. She knew how to set it all up, she knew so much more than I did, so I — I came to accept her word on things. I couldn't separate my Lisa from the Cyberman, because I wanted to believe that it was still just her. I could see it corrupting her, sometimes, but I made excuses… and I didn't realize that it was corrupting me, too." He leaned his head into his hands, long fingers winding through his dark hair. "I couldn't give up on her, Jack. I'm sorry, but I couldn't. I loved her."
Jack swallowed briefly. "I know, Ianto," he murmured. "I know… and that's part of the reason why I don't want to let you go. You have an incredible capacity for loyalty — you would have moved heaven and earth for Lisa. And quite frankly, I really need even a fraction of that."
Ianto looked askance at him. "But… I betrayed you." He winced slightly at the words, and Jack seized on that.
"Yeah, and that kind of pissed me off" — understatement of the decade — "but I do understand why." He paused, collecting his thoughts. "I've done things just as dangerous for the same reasons, and also for much less — in all honesty, Ianto, I was in a similar situation once; except I was far more selfish, and far less careful. And then I met someone who made me a better person, gave me a purpose." He leaned forward, making sure he had Ianto's full attention. "You're a much better man than I was, Ianto Jones. But I can give you a purpose again. If you'll let me."
Blue eyes locked on blue for what seemed to be eternity. A clock ticked somewhere, not announcing the passing of seconds but trapping Jack in the tick, tick, tick, unblinking blue eyes. Eyes which had teased him, appraised him, accused him. Eyes which had always had the shutters closed, hiding everything that mattered. Eyes which had stared into his with rage and fire that Jack had never even guessed was there. Apparently, everything had to fall to hell before Ianto Jones would express anything real.
Jack wanted to change that. He'd neglected the young man, ignored him as a teammate and a human being, and that was inexcusable. He needed to make things right with Ianto. And he wanted to. He genuinely wanted to know the young man, and he needed the trust they'd once had. He'd been serious when he'd told Ianto that he needed his loyalty — but after everything that had happened, he was no longer sure that he could have it… or even that he deserved it.
Ianto was quiet. Jack sighed silently and stood up. "Think about it," he said softly, "please." Ianto looked up at him, and Jack gave him a small smile. "Thanks for the coffee."
AN: okay, I might have lied when I said this was the last one. Depends on the reaction, I guess. However, this might well be the end. Thanks so much for sticking around, especially you lovely people who reviewed. Seriously, thanks. See ya next time.