Chapter 4: That Empty Feeling

Yuri squeezed Estelle's shoulder. "We'll find him." There was the unspoken hope that when they did, he would be among the bodies that were still alive. Every boat at the harbour that could make it had set out for the pillar of smoke, and now small fishing boats littered the area. The largest chunks of the ship still poked out of the sea. It looked like the explosion had originated in the hull near the stern, blasting the rear end of the ship open but also destroying the cabin section and a good portion of the main deck.

There were a lot of bodies to pull up, but not as many as Yuri would have hoped. So far, Yuri's boat hadn't found anybody alive yet, but they'd pulled up a few corpses, as well as a few parts of corpses. They had no idea how they could identify the owners of these parts, but it might be the only part that got back to the families and they weren't just going to leave them here to get eaten by mermen. Most of the bodies belonged to the sailors rather then the entourage of knights, since most of the knights on board would have been dragged down by armour. Flynn had been wearing armour, too, Yuri thought grimly.

"Look!" Estelle pointed and leaned forward. Yuri grabbed her waist before she toppled over the side of the small fishing boat. "There's someone moving!"

The sailor who owned the boat rowed toward the blond head bobbing in the water. Yuri let his hopes rise, but when they got closer the treading figure turned his head and revealed himself to be Ioder.

"Your Majesty!" Sodia shouted. "Don't worry, we'll pull you in."

Ioder clung to half a crate and had blood streaked down his face. When their boat pulled up next to him, he threw himself at it and managed to cling to the side. Yuri and Sodia leaned over the side to grab his arms and pull him into the boat. He fell against Yuri, soaking wet and coughing. His body shook and he gasped for breath. Yuri propped him up while Estelle leaned in to cast a healing arte.

"We really need to stop meeting like this," Yuri said.

Ioder spared him a smile that lasted less than a second. He shivered and accepted a stiff blanket that reeked of fish from the sailor. "Th-thank you."

"I'm so glad you're safe." Estelle took a seat next to him on the bench. "I was so worried."

"It's thanks to Flynn." Ioder pulled the blanket tighter around himself. After drifting in the ocean for over half an hour, he didn't seem to mind the smell. "We were talking near the front of the ship when the explosion happened. In less than a second, he threw himself in front of me and grabbed me. He shielded me, and we were both thrown into the water."

"Flynn's nearby?" Yuri's hope spiked again and his eyes darted across the water.

Ioder shook his head. "I don't know where he is. The mast nearly toppled on us. We got separated and I don't know where he went."

Sodia stared into the choppy grey sea. "Was he wearing armour?"

Ioder looked to his knees and took a long silence. "Yes," he murmured. "He was."

"We can't give up hope," Estelle said. "He might have found something to cling to the way you did."

"How much longer can you stay out here?" Sodia asked the sailor.

The man looked to Ioder. "However long His Majesty wishes us to keep looking, ma'am."

"Keep going as long as you can," Ioder said. "We need to find Flynn, and any other survivors."

The search continued and Yuri refused to lose hope. Just beyond their reach, a severed arm drifted across the sea.

Sodia grimaced at the sight. "Your Majesty, what exactly happened?"

"I'm not really sure. The explosion came out of nowhere. It looks like a blastia explosion, but obviously that can't be."

"Who would do such a thing?" Estelle asked.

"I'd bet anything it was those so-called Agents of Liberty." Yuri scowled at the sea. "I guess handing out leaflets and shouting about reform wasn't good enough for them anymore."

"There might be some silver lining here," Sodia said. "They can no longer claim to be non-violent. We have every reason to crack down on them with every force necessary to prevent another attack."

As the search dragged on, Yuri received a new-found empathy for the pain Flynn must have gone through after Zaude. They rowed around drifting barrels and corpses to add to the pile in the stern of the boat. Flynn had to be out here somewhere, even though none of the ships searching for survivors had found him yet and the wreckage was growing still. The ship was nearly completely submerged by now, and all that bobbed in the sea were bits of wood and supplies.

"I think," Ioder said almost an hour after they'd found him, "it might be time to head back to shore."

"No!" Estelle gripped the edge of the boat. "We can't go back yet. We need to keep looking for Flynn!"

Yuri and Sodia exchange a look behind Estelle's back. It had been over an hour and the ocean was cold. Flynn's only chance of survival was clinging to something that would keep him afloat even with armour, but cold water sapped strength and after this long, there was no way he'd still be able to fight gravity. He didn't want to believe it, but there was no point rowing around in circles staring at an empty ocean. The other ships were starting to head back and Ioder was still cold and wet.

Yuri forced himself to say, "We should head back."

"We can't!" Estelle gave him a pleading look. "Yuri, how can you say that? We can't give up on him. Flynn might show up any time now."

The sailor looked to Ioder who nodded once. They turned toward the shore.

"But…" Estelle frantically looked between the others. "No… we can't just… give Flynn up for dead…"

Yuri struggled to talk because it took a lot of focus on his facial muscles to keep his expression steady. "I'm sorry."

Estelle threw herself at Yuri and pressed her face into his shoulder. She took shuddering breaths as Yuri held her tight, partly for her benefit and partly to find comfort himself. They were really heading back. They weren't going to find Flynn. Flynn was most likely dead. His arms around Estelle shook and keeping his expression neutral made his face ache. No matter how hard he tried to push the image out of his mind, he couldn't shake the idea of Flynn drifting down into dark water. With all that armour weighing him down, he knew there was no hope of recovering his body. If they had that, at least, he could try to wrap his mind around the concrete evidence of a corpse, but Flynn was just gone.

The ride back to Zaphias was silent. They stopped in the lower quarter to let Yuri off, while the others were heading back to the castle. Yuri grunted his goodbye, hugged Estelle, and then walked to the Comet in a fog. With every step, he was certain he'd wake up and realize this had all been a nightmare.

"Hey, Yuri!" Karol and Judith sat on the steps of the Comet, eating lunch. How could they be so care-free? Couldn't they feel that the world had been thrown off-kilter? Karol waved, but his smile vanished when Yuri got close. "Yuri? What's wrong?"

Yuri stopped in front of the stairs. Judith and Karol both rose to their feet and stared at him with concern while Yuri's mind tumbled through a haze to figure out how to even put this into words. "There was… an explosion."

"At the harbour?" Judith asked.

"Someone planted something on the ship." The words wouldn't come naturally and he had to force his mouth around every sound. "It blew up at sea. Flynn's gone."

Karol and Judith were silent for a long moment. Finally, Judith spoke. "Oh, Yuri…."

"Estelle's at the castle. I'll be in my room if you need me."

They wordlessly stepped aside and let him march up the stairs to his room. The walls trembled from the force of slamming his door and Repede looked up with curiosity. As soon as the door was closed, Yuri fell against it and smashed his fist into the wood with enough force to hurt.

"Fuck," Yuri seethed. "Dammit, dammit!" He approached his bed, but didn't make it and dropped to the floor next to Repede. He leaned against the side of the bed and reached for the soft fur on Repede's neck.

Repede whined and rested his head on Yuri's lap. His eye questioningly looked to Yuri's face.

"It's Flynn," Yuri whispered. If Repede minded how roughly Yuri was petting him, he didn't make it known. "There was an attack. Repede… Flynn's dead."

Repede growled and Yuri wasn't sure how much Repede understood. He was very smart for a dog, but there was a difference between knowing to grab gels when his master was hurt and understanding abstract concepts like death. What if Repede thought Flynn just never came to visit him again? How was he supposed to make sure their dog understood what had happened?

If they only had a body. Yuri was getting really fucking sick of burying empty coffins. It had been the same after Flynn's dad died, and all they got back was a uniform and a sword. Apparently the Knights had a policy about mailing gnawed bones to widows. Well, when they were kids, Flynn always did aspire to be just like his dad.

Why did it have to be him? Yuri felt a pang of guilt at wishing Ioder had been the one to drown and Flynn the one to be pulled from the sea. No, he didn't want Ioder to be dead. He was as good an emperor as any and the kid had never done anything to offend him. It just pissed him off to think that the attack had most likely been targeting the emperor, and now Flynn was gone but Ioder was still here.

From his pocket, Yuri pulled the crumpled paper Sodia had delivered. He'd forgotten about it during the stressful search of the wreckage, and now the edges were damp. He could still easily read the message. Someone had known the attack was coming, but who? It was just signed 'a friend'. If they were really a friend, they would have signed their damn name so Yuri could track them down and kick their ass for delivering the warning too late. A message like this shouldn't be stealthily slipped into a mail tray! If this alleged 'friend' had simply shouted the warning to any knight, Flynn would probably still be here.

He felt like he should know who the author was. Something about the handwriting rubbed at a memory in the back of his mind, but for the life of him he couldn't place it. Whoever this friend was, Yuri was certain he or Flynn did indeed know them, but that didn't help him pinpoint an identity. Besides, what was the point? Knowing who tipped them off wouldn't bring Flynn back. Nothing could fix this, and Yuri didn't feel capable of doing anything but sitting here, stroking Repede's fur, and wishing humans didn't possess emotion.

Sodia stood in Flynn's office, staring out the window. No, it wasn't Flynn's office anymore, was it? Commandant Flynn was dead. Her fingers on the windowsill curled. He was gone. After all they had worked for, everything he had accomplished, they dream of reforming the Knights… it was all lost to the bottom of the ocean. And who was to blame for that? That was the important thing to worry about now. It was those damned revolutionaries, the alleged 'Agents of Liberty'. Revolutionaries? She wouldn't dignify them with such at title. Terrorists was more like it. So they didn't like how the government worked? Good for them; neither did she. But she had joined the Knights to change it and constructively work to make the Empire better. She hadn't started blowing things up and smashing things like a child who wasn't happy with the toys she had!

They needed to be stopped. It was a stroke of luck the emperor hadn't been killed and she wasn't naive enough to think they would be content with killing just Flynn. They'd been getting progressively more bold, and the next time they struck, there would be more casualties. What were they doing with those ball bearings, for example? Perhaps they were building a weapon. The mightiest weapon had been the Heracles' cannon, but with blastia gone, maybe they were working on some mechanical device that would tip a fight in their favour. After all, a group of rebels couldn't hope to stand against the might of the Imperial Knights on their own. They must have some ace up their sleeve and she wouldn't rest until she found out what it was.

The door opened and she turned to see Ioder. "Good afternoon, Your Majesty. You're looking well."

"Thank you. I'm lucky Estellise was present to immediately heal me this morning."

It was only this morning that she'd said goodbye to Flynn. How could life change so quickly and with so little warning?

Ioder skipped right to his reason for visiting. "If you're willing to take the responsibility, I would like to appoint you Acting Commandant."

Sodia's mouth opened for a few seconds before responding. "I'm honoured, sir."

Ioder couldn't keep the sorrow from his face as he explained, "Flynn left you in charge when he left. I think he would have wanted it this way. I proper replacement for him will of course need much more discussion and approval, but with the way things are now… the Knights need a leader. I'm certain he would approve you being the one to take the reins."

"I will do my best, sir." Her first order of business would be cracking down on the unrest. She could not allow another attack.

"I was thinking we should have a memorial. A lot of people lost their lives today."

Sodia managed a tense nod. "Yes… that sounds like a good idea." Not just for Flynn, but for all the Knights and sailors who were on the ship. That was why these terrorists could not be allowed to continue. They weren't just taking out political figures, they were willing to kill innocent civilians who were in the way. A lot of the civilians in Zaphias thought the Knights were cracking down too hard, but they didn't yet appreciate what these Agents were capable of. Against an opponent like that, any measures necessary were justified. Hopefully this attack would sway them to the side of the Knights. "We should make sure this memorial highlights the fault of the terrorists and that they acted not just against the Knights or the government, but against the innocent civilians serving as sailors. We can use this to unite the city against the insurgents."

"Good plan. In the mean time, the new law outlawing seditious communication went into effect today. I wasn't keen on it, but now that they've proven how extreme they're willing to go, maybe it is good. Anyone who continues spreading such things must be extreme, and maybe can lead us to the leaders."

"Yes, sir. Finding the leaders of these terrorists will be my top priority. I'll do whatever it takes."

When Yuri and Flynn were fifteen, the owner of the Comet made a deal with them. Help out around the inn, clean rooms, bus tables, help in the kitchen, and stay in one of the rooms for free. It was the first time since Flynn's mom died that they'd had a roof over their head that they could be certain would still be available the next day. He could still see Flynn's smile the first time he threw himself on the bed, or Flynn's ashamed horror when a guest next door banged on the wall and told them to shut up at one in the morning. They'd had a lot of good times here, and even though Yuri had lived here on his own for years, it had never felt so empty.

Someone knocked on his door and when he didn't answer, Judith stepped inside. "Have you moved at all since you got home?"

Yuri didn't look up from Repede. "Nope."

Judith sat beside him. "Are you doing ok?"

Yuri's fingers curled around Repede's fur. "Been better."

"I'm sorry about Flynn."

Yuri sighed heavily and raised his head for the first time in hours. Amazingly, the light outside had turned pale grey. He really had been here all day, and a sudden growl of his stomach reminded him just how long ago those fish fingers had been. The last time he'd eaten, Flynn had still been alive. "When we joined up, we had an old sergeant handing out uniforms for the first time at training. We were a bunch of cocky kids dreaming of glory, but this guy gave this angry speech that was mostly shouted and peppered the guys in the first row with spittle. Flynn kept glancing at me smugly every time this guy shouted about professionalism and not taking this lightly and how much responsibility we had." Yuri smiled tightly at the memory of Flynn desperately trying to impersonate a lamp post with how straight and rigid he was standing. "Smarmy son of a bitch. Anyway, I barely remember most of what that sergeant said. The only part I remember is when he said, 'you bastards can't wait to put that uniform on to impress the ladies, but you better remember that the moment you put on a Knight uniform, you accept that you might die in it.'"

They sat in silence for a long moment and then Judith reached her arm around his shoulders and squeezed. Her attempt at a hug was rough and inexperienced, but Yuri appreciated the effort.

"You should eat something," Judith said. "Karol is worried about you."

"I am a little hungry."

"Why don't we go downstairs and have a drink?"

"Yeah. That sounds like a good idea." He'd have a drink in Flynn's memory. Judith sprung to her feet, but Yuri had been sitting motionless for so long his joints were stiff. He felt like moss had to fall away on his way up, and then he looked to the door with a sigh. It was time to face the world, even though he wasn't much interested in a world sans Flynn.

The Comet was crowded when they entered. They were centred around the car corner and speaking in raised voices.

"…bullshit," someone was saying. "I didn't even want to speak out against the government until they said I can't!"

"Yeah!" came a chorus of agreement.

"What have done to them, even?! We just said we wanted a voice in the government and now they're saying we can't carry weapons and can't criticize them?"

Yuri watched them while sitting at the bar. Tom was in the centre of it all as they shouted their grievances. Yuri couldn't entirely blame them, because he wasn't thrilled with the government's latest decisions either. If he had the energy to spare feeling motivated, he might have joined them.

"Here," the bartender said, placing a bottle of beer on the counter in front of him. He gave Yuri a sympathetic smile and said, "On the house."

Yuri grunted his thanks and took a sip, which turned into a gulp. Flynn would be so pissed if he could hear the yelling now. All he had wanted was to maintain the peace, and every action the Council took pushed the peace closer to the tipping point.

Judy ordered some food and then said, "Karol and I visited Estelle."

Guilt flickered through him. He'd let them drop him off and then sulked in his room for hours while Estelle was no doubt just as devastated as he was. He should have been there for her, just like he should have been able to do something for Flynn. If only he had - Yuri downed another gulp of beer before those thoughts could consume him. "How is she?"

"No better than you'd expect. Rita had to leave to go back to Halure, so she's feeling very alone."

"I'll visit tomorrow." He didn't feel up to walking across the city tonight, and besides, he wasn't allowed into the castle without an invitation after dark. Behind him, the rest of the neighbourhood was still busy shouting about the government. How could that be their biggest concern right now? Flynn was dead, countless other people on the ship were dead, and they were angry about some weapons bans? Yuri hated the laws, too, but there were more important things to worry about tonight! He chugged the rest of his bottle and then gestured at the bartender for a second.

"I'm worried things are going to get worse from here." A plate of chicken wings came between them and Judith pushed the plate at him to demand he ate.

Yuri halfheartedly nibbled the wing and nodded. Of course things were worse. Flynn was dead.

"As far as I know, Sodia has been put into command. I'm sure she's a very qualified knight, but… she's never excelled at morally grey situations."

Yuri nodded. After setting his bottle down, he said, "I don't know who else I'd want in charge, but you're right. I hate the bastards who blew up the ship as much as anyone, but that doesn't mean they don't still have a point that the Council and the Knights need work."

"No doubt she's grieving, too. People don't always make the best decisions when they're grieving."

"The Knights are going to crack down on the protesters, which will make the protesters more adamant about protesting…. I'm calling it, Judy, this is going to get worse before it gets better. The Council is fucking up and this is the opposite of what Flynn would have wanted." His teeth gnashed on a chicken bone.

"Maybe we should head back to Dahngrest." Judith ate her wings with considerable more delicacy.

Yuri's beer bottle smashed into the counter. "No. I'm not leaving. You and Karol can get out if you want - I wouldn't blame you, you're not locals. This isn't your business." He took another long swig and then rubbed his mouth on his sleeve. "But this is my damn city and my stupid neighbourhood causing trouble. If they're going to get themselves hurt, I'm going to stick around and help however I can."

"I understand." She chewed for a moment and then said, "No… I suppose I don't. I was never close with my neighbours or felt a strong connection to the location I lived. Mt. Temza was destroyed when I was still rather young and I never really fit in in Myorzo." She smiled at him. "But I understand that your city is important to you, and I want to help. I don't have a hometown of my own, so I'll help you protect yours."

"Heh, gonna have a hometown vicariously through me, huh?"

"Something like that. I'm sure Karol will want to stick around, too."

He managed to raise his cheeks in the faintest smile. A few years ago, if Flynn died he would have been lost. Sure, he was buddies with loads of people in the lower quarter, but he had never had friendships anywhere close to the bond he had with Flynn until he met the others. In his grief, it felt like he was drowning, too, but having another close friend beside him kept him buoyed. "Thanks."

He finished his beer with one chicken wing left, so he called for another.

"Are you sure?" asked Judith, who was still halfway through her first.

There was a hole in his heart and alcohol could fill it, or at least numb him enough so he didn't feel it. "Yes."

Bar stools were stupid invention. "Ow." Yuri banged his knee on one of the rod-thingies - rungs, yeah. He'd taken a trip to the thing-room. Bathroom. Weren't baths in there. Weird. Why do they call it that? Right, anyway, to the place to piss. And now he wanted to sit but the stool was too tall and the room wobbled and he clutched the counter.

"I think it's time to head in," Judith said.

"Go 'head. I'mma stay a bit." He leaned against the bar 'cause stools were dumb and grabbed his half-empty bottle.

Judith grabbed it on its way to his mouth. "I'm pretty sure you've had enough."

He yanked it out of her hand and then lost his balance. He bumped into the guy next to him, who shoved him back with an annoyed look. "Hey! 'M not done yet!"

"How many bottles have you even head!"

"I, uhhhh… I'unno." He chugged as much of the rest of it as he could. "Prolly inna dooble didgy… dobble thing… more 'n ten."

It was all… all… good. Ok. 'Cept it wasn't, 'cause Flynn… Flynn was dead but beer was here. Ha, that rhymed. Beer was here. Beer wa'eer. Ba-weer. What was he thinking about again? Flynn, right. Agony fluttered in a distant part of his brain, but there were almost three litres of beer between it and him. Good. Stay tha' way. Feels better not ta feel.

"We're going home." Judith grabbed his arm and tugged. Yuri stumbled forward and leaned on her for balance.

"Why're we goin'? Everon's still here." Sure enough, the crowd on the corner had only grown and some alcohol had probably been involved over there, as well.

"It's time for you to lie down and sleep this off."

Yuri let himself be guided across the room. He couldn't pay attention to what his feet were doing because when he moved his head, the people blurred and vision swam to catch up. Neat. He idly shifted his head, watching his brain try to orient itself. Swoosh.

Someone bumped into him, which completely threw off his balance and he fell to the ground. His head spun and then a man's hand grabbed his arm and pulled him to his feet.

"Sorry about that. Hey, you're coming tomorrow, right, Yuri?"

"Coming?" He wobbled to stay upright without Judith to lean on. "Why'm I comin'?" He snickered and added, "Heh, coming."

"To the rally. There's gonna be some pretentious Knight memorial for the ship so we figure it's a good time to protest. All the bigwigs will be gathered in one place and they can't ignore us!"

A night memorial? Whazzat? Ohhh wait, wait, it was prob'ly Knight, with a K. What a weird spelling. Yeah, right, a Knight memorial. Fora knights who died onna ship. Good, a memorial was good. Gotta memorialate dead people 'cause they're gone and fuck that includes Flynn, yeah? Flynn's memorial. The gov-ment was gonna have a nice cere… cere… thingy. Mony. For Flynn. They didn't hava body so it was kinda like his… his… what's the thing for dead people? Funeral. Flynn's funeral. Yeah, 'course he'd go! His best friend was dead, why wouldn't he go? Wait. Waaaaait. They were sayin' rally. A rally wasa… wasa… whazzit. A protest. Like picketering. There were gonna protest at Flynn's funeral.

Yuri punched him in the face.

"Hey!"

"How dare you!?" Yuri bellowed and threw himself at the man.

He wasn't entirely sure what happened after that. A combination of alcohol and getting a few thumps on the head made his memory patchy at best, but he remembered the roar of a crowd and the flurry of fists. He remembered being so full of pain he was desperate to pass it on to someone else, and any body would do. There had been a lot of shouting, the shattering of glass, men crying in pain when Judith got involved to defend him, and the splintering of broken chairs. Yuri yelled throughout the entire fracas, although the exact words were lost even to him. It could have been fury that his supposed friends would even consider disturbing a memorial dedicated to Flynn and countless others' memory, but it was just as likely to wordless roars as his grief attempted to escape out his mouth.

He was vaguely aware of the door opening, something clanking and a voice demanding everyone settle down, but words took a while to translate to action in his state and Yuri had continued beating the man in front of him even when everyone else froze and tried their hardest to look like an innocent bystander.

"That includes you, Yuri Lowell!" Someone grabbed him and threw him to the floor. He landed on his chest and by the time his head stopped spinning, his hands had been cuffed behind his back.

"What the hell was going on here?" Leblanc demanded. "Who started this?"

A sea of fingers pointed in Yuri's direction.

"Thought as much. All right, Lowell, let's get you to the castle."

"Geroff me! I gotta - them basserds!" Someone pulled him to his feet, but with his hands behind his back he immediately lost his balance and toppled over again. His chin smashed hard on the ground and a tiny voice in the distant said that it likely hurt. They picked him up again and held him tight as he tried to struggle away. "I got asses ta kick! They're all bastards!"

"Wait!" Judith pushed through the crowd. "I'm sorry - he's with me. I'll take him home."

The knights shuffled him to the door. "Sorry, ma'am, it's not just a matter of intoxication now that he's gone and started a fight. We'll just let him sleep it off in a cell and release him tomorrow."

They stopped in the door and Yuri slumped against the frame. How was everyone else walking so normally when the floor was doing back flips? Something dripping on his chin, possibly blood.

"Don't worry," Leblanc said with a heavy voice. "We all understand why he was drinking tonight."