Chapter Three;
All Over Again

"It's impossible to lose you,
Because I never had you.
Although, I would be glad to."
-Drake

Every time I turned around during work hours, there was Castle. He wouldn't go away! During interrogations, when we interviewed some creepy thugs who started using sexual references about things to do to me (indirectly), Castle always got the hint and I could tell he was always two inches away from a full on fight.

And I would always wonder, Why do you care? We're not dating. I don't like you. Why do you insist on being consistent? It's not working. Although, half the time, I secretly wished it did. Just something, something, to make me to forget Aaron.

I wanted to, so bad. It hurt. Everything has always reminded me of him, but now all those reminders are painful. The only thing that didn't was, in reality, Castle. Aaron had been to the precinct to pick me up for dates, and he would see Esposito and Ryan there, sometimes even Captain Montgomery. I couldn't look at one person I had known except for Castle without thinking about him. We had even kissed at the front of the precinct before leaving one time. But just because Castle can help doesn't mean I want to fall in love again. Those painful reminders of Aaron just reminded me of how it was my fault. I let him in, even after my mom left me, too. I didn't understand why I couldn't get it at first. I had already lost my mom, do I really need to get hurt more? But I realized now that it's just a fact of life then, despite my best efforts to prove otherwise.

And every time I told him that it really, after all, was not working, all he would do is shrug and say, "It's worth a shot."

That Castle… I don't understand him. But, in reality, I guess there is nothing to understand. He's just Castle. All I can do is hope today will be different, and expect my hopes to be crushed.

"Beckett," Castle greeted me while bringing my coffee. This had turned into his daily routine, bringing me coffee and something to eat when he got to the precinct. I never asked for it, not once. The third day we were working together, he just brought me a scone. I didn't understand why, and all he would say is, "You know you like these."

Mysterious Castle… Hmm. What am I going to do with this guy?

Castle;
I didn't really know it all, really. Why I was attracted to Beckett, I mean. Well, I understood the basics. She was incredibly hot, and I couldn't help but swoon. However, she always denied me any chance of flirtation. She would get my hopes down, and I couldn't understand why I couldn't just let her go. I brought her coffee and snacks in the morning, to try to help some of her soften up. It never worked, though. I wonder when I'll finally get to compliment her. I may be a suck up, and an ass sometimes, but when it comes to complimenting Kate Beckett, I never lie.

Beckett;
I wished so, so, so badly that I could trust him. I always wanted to. Well, not specifically him, just anybody. But I know exactly what happens when people get too close. And I quote from the movie 500 Days of Summer, what Summer said once: "Relationships are messy, and people's feelings get hurt."

She was right. People get taken away. You lose the ones you love. It's a fact of life. Of everyone and everybody's life. No one has any control over it, it's just true. Yet everybody wishes and hopes they can change it. Sometimes I don't know how people trust others. I'm sure they've all been hurt before. How can they let people in, knowing subconsciously one day, those people are going to leave? How can they get so codependent, that when the time comes for them to leave, they're left broken hearted and hurt excruciatingly much? I really never got that, since my mom left. I don't know how I trusted anybody with my secrets before her. I knew people were going to leave me. So why let them in?

"Castle?"

"Yeah?"

"How can you really trust people?"

"What do you mean?"

"You know they're going to go away… Why risk getting hurt that bad?"

Castle had to think for a minute before answering. "Because it's worth it. Because, yes, some people are going to leave. They're going to make you feel like you just got the hell punched out of you by betraying you, or just growing apart. But in the end, it's value is way too high for you to give it up. You may only pick up a couple people down the road who you can really call friends, but as you get older, you gain a couple of true friends."

I was amazed. That much insight from Castle? Wow. Just… Wow. I didn't know he could be sentimental.

I got home, and I just sat in the warm bath thinking about life. About what Castle said. About what Lanie said the other day. My thoughts wandered in and out of things, but mainly about what Castle said. About trust. How was I going to trust people? I had built up these walls for so long. How was I planning on breaking them down? I hate going out of my comfort zone, doing anything like that. But if I planned on getting Lanie in anymore, or any of my other friends, what was I going to do to help that? Well. I guess I could start by telling Lanie something I hadn't told anyone else. After all, she was, despite my efforts to keep most people out, a really close friend of mine. We may not talk all the time, but we do talk. She was the closest I had gotten to a best friend since my mom.

***

"Lanie?" I asked, second guessing myself now that I was actually telling her something.

"Kate! What's wrong? Is it Castle?" There was a stern tone to her voice, as if she was ready to deck Castle already.

"No.. I came here with something to tell you." For the first time ever since my mom died, I had done it. I'd told someone a secret that almost no one else had heard. I told her something that was hard for me to live through, and for the first time, I completely opened up. I opened up with grace; I didn't cry, even though tears were threatening hard to spill over. I stayed my ground, barely budged. All that happened was my voice cracked a couple times, thank God. I stayed and told her the whole thing, from where she had been acting weird to how the detectives had found her at the crime scene. She had been just sitting, in a chair. Nothing special about the chair, it was just a little fancy. Her face was contorted funny, as if she'd seen something odd. They said that she had been stabbed many times, and that when they figured out any more, that they would call. They never called for something important. They only had told her a couple things, just about leads that they thought would work out but never did.

"Kate, why didn't you tell me? We could've tried to catch the bastard together a long time ago."

"I just… I didn't want to relive it. But then I thought that I couldn't just keep denying it forever, I have to say something."

"You're right; you can't do that to yourself. But you also shouldn't have let that case eat you out like it did."

"I know, I know. I just needed to deal with it myself for a while."

Lanie just looked back a her, with sadness and understanding in her eyes, though with a smile on her face.

"Come here," she said, opening her arms for a hug. Usually I wasn't open to public affection, but right now, it was a different story. I hugged her, thinking about my mom and everything that happened in the past couple months. Too bad there was still the breakup to talk about. Someday, I guess. I'll tell someone. After all, Lanie's right on the dot. I can't tear myself apart like I did with my mom again.

A/N: Heyy! :) I just finished~ Sorry it took me forever, I just didn't have the time. I have Chinese, piano, soccer, and school to deal with… But thanks for being patient with mee (or not)! And don't forget to review!