A/N: Boom, weekly update! I decided to update weekly, but not every seven days. It's a schedule I can keep for at least two months, since I wrote enough scripts by now.
I also decided to (re)introduce magic earlier than I wanted, due to the high demand. I never intended to take Harry's magic away permanently, since I will (at least in the sequel) introduce characters using magic, so of course Harry will get his back. Of course, not just all at once.
I will post short omakes for every hundredth alert, so look forward to it!
Also, it's really hard to name the chapters and look up the right quotes…
That's enough for now, enjoy!
"I'm calling out to you, I'm begging you for help
Because I've been giving all the answers
and I can't even help myself"
- iwrestledabearonce, Boat Paddle
It took several minutes of holding Harry down (and Kran sitting on him) for him to calm down so they could once return to a – hopefully – civil discussion. Harry sighed deeply.
"Right. Well. Some people said too much, others not enough. I propose we resume our conversation – before your intervention, Freud, and I swear to God, interrupt us again and I will find a way to shut you up for good – and thus, we should probably introduce ourselves a little more. Well, this only really applies to Iona. After that we can maybe answer a few personal questions and move on to our objectives. Sounds good?", said Harry. Everyone nodded.
Iona looked around uncomfortably. She cleared her throat and began her explanation. "My name is Iona T'Vess. I...am a pure-blooded Asari and an Ardat-Yakshi. While there's no one out to get me actively, if I run across a Justicar there is a miniscule chance they try to arrest me."
"Question.", said Res and looked at Iona. "What is an Ardat-Yakshi?"
"An Ardat-Yakshi is an Asari that suffers from a mysterious illness that leads to us being unable to 'unite' correctly. A detailed explanation would probably to confusing to anyone not intricately aware of Asari physiology and society. Basically, we're outcasts.", explained Iona.
"Oh.", said Harry. "Does being an Ardat-Yakshi have any symptoms when not treated? Does it worsen?"
"No, no...we have to live celibate, of course. Ardat-Yakshi that unite with other beings are being hunted by Justicars. So far, I have avoided any such follies.", said Iona.
"Hmm...anything we have to look out for?", asked Res.
"Don't have sex with me.", Iona said dryly.
"Ah, yes, that we could do.", said Harry. "It would probably be easier if you'd wear a white hat."
"White hat? Why?", asked Iona confused.
"Because I'd never even think about having sex with a giant smurf.", grinned Harry; everyone just looked at him confused, not knowing what a smurf was. After a few seconds everyone had looked up smurfs on the extranet and Harry was sporting a bruise on his cheeks, being shot withering glares by the three aliens.
"You deserved that one.", said Kran.
"I know; worth it, though.", said Harry. "Any other questions?"
"Yes.", said Res once again. "Although you briefly explained it, what are those two?"
She pointed at Taxidermy and Freud. Harry shrugged.
"Do you want a believable explanation or the truth?", he asked. "Have an open mind though; after all, truth is often stranger than fiction."
"Would the truth be distressing?", asked Res.
"It would be confusing, at the very least.", said Harry. Res was silent for a few minutes, until settling for the truth.
"Very well. Both of you correct me if I get something wrong, alright?", said Harry to Taxidermy and Freud. They nodded. "Alright, the floating and infuriating guy is the ghost of Siegmund Freud, a psychoanalyst who died centuries ago but might turn out to be useful. The other one is Taxidermy. I don't know what he is, but he is good at taxidermy, playing the straight man and doing unspeakable but fortunately not perverse things with dead things."
"Is it too late for the other option?", asked Res hopefully.
"Do you really think you will be able to forget that?", asked Taxidermy.
"It was worth a try.", said Res. "Where did you find them anyway?"
"We were introduced by a mutual acquaintance; our boss, to be precise.", said Harry.
"Your boss?", asked Res.
"Well it's ours now, but yes.", said Harry.
"Who is our boss?", asked Kran. He didn't really seem to care – which he didn't, he was content enough to have an employer that could work with his phobia.
"The big man.", said Harry simply.
"He wishes to remain anonymous.", supplied Taxidermy.
"Yeah, let's go with that.", said Harry. "He is the one that gave us our mission. Tell me: have you ever heard of the Reapers?"
"Reapers? Can't say I have.", said Iona. Res and Kran denied, too.
"The Reapers are big bad aliens hellbent on destroying life as we know it.", said Harry.
"And you want us to stop them?", asked Iona skeptically. "You actually want us to save the world?"
"Heavens no!", exclaimed Harry. "Who would be stupid enough to do that? We are supposed to aid the person trying to save the world."
"Which is that much of a difference.", commented Kran.
"Of course it is. We don't have to go on suicide missions and make noble sacrifices. All we have to do is travel across the galaxy and fight a lot of enemies, waging dangerous battles and suffering through grueling missions. Also, I'm paying you. At least, I will, once we have money. Speaking of money, is someone out there hiring? We kinda spent most of our money.", said Harry.
"Omega always offers some odd jobs to people who won't be missed.", said Kran.
"That's great.", nodded Harry.
"Wait wait wait.", cut Iona in. "If we're not supposed to save the universe, who is it then?"
Harry looked perplexed. "Eh, who was it again? I forgot..."
A few tense seconds later, and sporting another bruise – which he admittedly did deserve – he back tracked. "Jeez, I'm just kidding! Apparently it's someone called Jane Shepard."
"Shepard? Never heard of her.", mused Kran. "What is she doing? Mercenary? Assassin? Spectre?"
"Alliance, I think.", said Harry.
"Wait, you're telling me the Alliance knows about this Reaper things?", asked Res.
"I guess? I mean, why else should they send her?", said Harry.
"But I never heard anything about it! And this is something that should have spread like wildfire!", said Res. "There has been nothing going on. No stockpiling of equipment, no new fleets, nothing."
Everyone looked surprised. Thinking a few moments about it, Harry finally shrugged his shoulders. "We'll find out eventually."
"Why don't you just contact the boss? He seemed to know about it.", suggested Iona. Kran nodded.
"Of course I will.", said Harry. Internally he was hoping that Death was listening in, because he had absolutely no idea how to contact him. It wasn't like Death had given him his phone number, and wouldn't that be ridiculous. "I will do so at our earliest convenience. Hopefully he has further information for us, lest we really have to do a visit on Omega."
That said, they split up. As Harry was walking to his cabin, he was interrupted by Taxidermy.
"Do you even know how to contact Death?", asked the being cautiously.
"Of course –"
"– not, right?", said Taxidermy. Harry just kept quiet. "I thought so. Luckily, he gave me a way to contact him. Switch off the lights, light a candle, step in front of a mirror, say his name three times, snuff the candle out and he will appear. Also, you have to stand on one leg while doing it."
"You're kidding me.", said Harry flatly.
"Yes.", admitted Taxidermy. "Step in front of a mirror and write the following sequence on the mirror: 42-42-DIE."
"No, seriously, how do I do it?", asked Harry irritated.
"I just told you.", said Taxidermy.
"Bullshit!", yelled Harry, but Taxidermy didn't react. "Really? What kind of contact information is that?! How about a phone number? Email? Anything?"
Taxidermy shrugged. "I don't think beings of such power are bound by such...human concepts. I am a little surprised myself that you don't have to sacrifice a virgin maiden under a full moon."
Harry sighed. "I'll take what I can get."
"Here goes nothing."
Harry stood in front of his mirror – fortunately Iona wasn't in his room at the moment – and started to write on its shiny surface, incidentally leaving smears. After a few moments he saw a reflection in the mirror. Turning around, he came face to face with the Grim Reaper himself.
"Color me impressed, it worked.", he said.
"Of course it did.", said Death.
"I started to not take things for granted. Really makes me miss my magic.", said Harry with a wistful look in his eyes. "Speaking of magic, why can't I use mine?"
"There is no magic in this universe.", Death stated.
"Yes, I realized that too, but there's biotics, mass relays and people even mostly accept Taxidermy. They do have problems with Freud, but those are mostly his own faults.", said Harry.
"Your magic would be too powerful. Just imagine what you could do with it.", said Death.
"I'm in a place where people sometimes don't even bat an eye when someone is shot. Everyone can carry dangerous weaponry including explosives. How is magic too powerful? Are tickling charms deadly? Will changing the skin color of a Turian cause it to painfully wither away?", asked Harry.
"No.", admitted Death.
"So, most – if not all – combat magic can easily be neglected, since most curses don't really hold up against a shotgun blast. What are the worst things I can use? Avada Kedavra? Crucio? A Legilimens?", challenged Harry.
"Probably.", admitted Death. "But such power..."
"Oh please.", said Harry annoyed. "I can do the same amount of damage by ticking off a Krogan."
Death was silent for a minute.
"Very well.", he said with a sigh. "I had planned for you to regain your magic; at least in the next life you'll use it anyway. To make it easier on you, you don't even need a wand. However, I can't give you back all your magic at once."
"Can't or won't?", asked Harry.
"...won't, alright? Even I have some rules I have to obey.", said Death irritated.
"Really?", asked Harry surprised. "I always thought Death could do anything he wanted."
"Of course not! Well, I could do anything I wanted, but in the end I would be the one to clean up the ensuing mess by myself, so why bother." Death sighed. "But I guess you're not interested in a discussion about the responsibility of almighty entities. I will tie the knowledge of your magic to relics strewn about the galaxy. Once you discover one, you will regain a piece of knowledge. Sometimes I might be able to drop hints on their location, sometimes you will just stumble upon them."
"That's...great?", said Harry with uncertainty. "At least I will get it back, if only gradually. Oh, and since you are here, how should we continue?"
"Ah, right, your mission. I said I would drop hints, didn't I? There is a small camp on a planet way out in the Terminus systems; go there and find a Prothean artifact. It's a disk. I think you will like it. Once you retrieve it, meet up with a woman named Liara T'Soni and give her the disk. It will be of great use in the future. These are the coordinates."
With a beep, Harry received some information on his omnitool. He nodded in thanks. "Liara T'Soni...is she famous or powerful or something?"
"She is smart.", said Death. "But so are you, and you are sometimes a really hard person to work with."
"Thank you.", said Harry. Death shrugged.
"Anytime. I have to go, there is someone waiting for me. That is, if he didn't miraculously escaped me once again. Such an interesting person he is, this Rincewind..."
Death disappeared and Harry looked at the empty spot in bewilderment.
"What was that all about?!"
After collecting the few fleeting thoughts in his head, Harry walked onto the bridge and ordered Suckmeoff to fly to the coordinates given him by Death. Grabbing a quick bite to eat, he decided to spend the few hours til arrival sleeping. Waking up refreshed, he finished his ablutions, he returned to the bridge. Inquiring about their estimated arrival, he contacted Iona and Res. Meeting up with the two, he briefed them on their mission.
"I have received information that pirates on the surface of this planet are in possession of an ancient object. We are to retrieve it and subsequently will deliver it to an expert. I'd like you two to accompany me; you are after all the best people I could take with me.", explained Harry.
"Thank you.", said Iona.
"It was by process of elimination, so no need to thank me.", said Harry, ignoring the furious look he received in return. "We will be dropped by the Headmaster. As soon as we leave the ship, we'll shoot everything that moves, I guess."
"Sounds like a plan.", said Res and started to check her weapons. Iona did the same. The three walked to the drop hatch and waited for the signal to go. After a few minutes, the door opened and the three ran out of the ship.
"Where are the pirates?", asked Harry via comm.
"We dropped you out of sight.", explained Suckmeoff. "We wanted to avoid drawing fire. Just walk over the hill and you will see the base."
"Alright."
The three started their short trek, and after half an hour they stood atop the hill, looking down at the camp. Two watchtowers, each manned by one guard, as well as five men behind barricades.
"I can take down the towers with my sniper rifle.", said Harry. "Run down and engage when I start firing, I will cover you from up here."
Iona and Res nodded. Readying their weapons, they waited for Harry to take aim. As soon as they heard the bang of a shot, they ran down the hill, firing a few shots to suppress enemy fire. On arrival they saw that Harry had managed to shoot another one. Now facing only four men, they made quick work of them with their biotics and a few well-placed shots. Minutes later, they were joined by Harry, who immediately started looting the corpses. He looked at them.
"What? There is a lot of money to be made in looting corpses!", he defended himself. "And all the cheap stuff we can't carry we can always use to produce some resources."
"Yeah, I know, we weren't judging you, y'know?", said Res. "I'm Quarian, we're taught how to do that stuff."
"Oh.", said Harry. "Well, what are you waiting for? I already found myself some nice credits!"
Iona and Res just looked at each other, shrugged and started looting their opponents. In the end, everyone found some upgraded ammunition, providing extra damage against synthetic enemies.
"If that's a regular base, they must have stocked some provisions, right? Damn, this trip is going to save us so much money!", said Harry happily.
"Are we really that desperate or do you just don't want to pay for anything?", deadpanned Res.
"Eh, we still have enough money for the basics, but just imagine what we can buy now! New armor, weapons, Fornax for Freud...", smiled Harry.
"Ew.", cringed Iona. "I did not want to hear that. Damn my vivid imagination."
Harry and Res chuckled.
Harry pulled out his shotgun and Iona and Res rose their assault rifles. On a count of three they entered the base. There was an empty decontamination chamber, which automatically cleaned off any traces of contamination from the planet's surface. Waiting for the main door to open, they all checked their weapons one last time. As soon as the door slid open, they ran inside and took cover, and not a moment too soon. Immediately enemy fire honed in on them. Harry took up a position enabling him to shoot everyone that was too close to them, while Iona and Res started picking off enemies with their rifles. After seeing several containers with explosive compounds Harry and Iona had decided against using their biotics for fear of blowing up the base.
It was a tense fight; the narrow passages allowed several enemies close enough to deliver glancing hits. Though no one was wounded, Harry had his fair share of work. Once he even had to fight off two enemies in different directions, which allowed a third one to sneak up on Res – he was easily eviscerated by a blade coming from her bionic arm.
"This is equal parts cool and disturbing.", panted Harry after the shoot out.
"I told you, only the best materials. Of course I had to upgrade my limbs. Very useful, those babies.", said Res proudly.
"Should I ever need prosthetic limbs, I'll ask you.", said Iona jokingly.
"Sure, just don't tell any Quarian who made them.", said Res. Iona nodded.
The three moved through the base, looting corpses and opening a few cupboards. After collecting several cheap weapons and a handful credits, Harry looked around.
"Where is this stupid artifact?!"
"Maybe there?", asked Res and pointed at a door.
"How the hell did I miss the door?", asked Harry confused.
"Well, you looked pretty eager rifling through all this stuff so we thought you just saved it for last.", shrugged Iona.
"You know, I'm glad I didn't take Kran with me.", said Harry. "He would have overlooked it to."
The three walked to the door and Res used her arm to pry it open. Peering through, they saw a dimly lit cave. Readying their weapons, they walked in. The cave turned out to be the entrance to a veritable maze of cold, damp and partially flooded caves. Small lamps hung from the walls, providing weak lighting.
"This place looks pretty decrepit.", commented Iona.
"Yeah, and it doesn't seem structurally sound. Better not make too much noise or anything.", said Harry. The two women agreed. After walking another fifteen minutes, they found a few containers.
"Maybe it's in here?", said Iona and opened one. "Ew, no, it's just spoiled provisions. All moldy and rotten."
Before she could close the container, Harry raised his hand. "Wait, did you hear that?"
"Hear wha – holy shit, it's moving!", yelled Iona and dropped the lid. Immediately several tentacles shot out from the container and tried to attack her. One grabbed her leg and pulled her closer. She raised her rifle and shot at it. The monster exploded and showered them in bits of rotten rations.
"Oh God, that's revolting!", yelled Harry and started to retch. Suddenly, he looked up. "Wait, if we had filmed this, would Fornax buy it under the label of food porn?"
For the third time this day, his cheek sported a bruise.
"I definitely did deserve that one.", he admitted apologetically.
Having passed through another two small caves, they finally reached a dead end. On a pedestal at the back of the cave was a disk-shaped object.
"Finally! We found it!", exclaimed Harry happily. He walked to the pedestal and grabbed the Prothean disk. It looked boring; it was just a disk with glyphs he couldn't read. Still, he felt magic pulsating in this artifact. As they turned to leave, they heard a loud moan. Before anyone – especially Harry – could comment on it, two walls slid down and they were rushed by several zombie-ish beings with gray skin and empty eyes.
"Holy shit!", yelled Res.
"Open fire!", screamed Iona. All three were shooting wildly at the monsters, dropping them like flies. However, the mass of monsters didn't seem to end. Nearly overrun, two biotic explosions ripped the horde apart, leaving only the three standing.
"That was way too close.", said Iona. Suddenly the cave shook.
"You just had to say it, didn't you?!", yelled Res as stones started to drop from the ceiling.
"Stop arguing and run!", screamed Harry and ran to the exit. "I don't want to be crushed by tons of rocks on some backwater planet!"
"Then maybe you shouldn't have used biotics!", yelled Iona.
"I didn't! It was totally you!", said Harry. They had ran through several caves by now, but the rocks were still dropping. "I told you not to use them!"
"You little –! Just wait, when we make it out here alive, I'll show you what my biotics look like!", snarled Iona.
"You're just proving my point!", yelled Harry. The three had miraculously arrived at the door and entered the base. Panting, the Asari and the human glared at each other.
"You're going to regret this.", bit Iona out.
"You will find out I regret little.", bit Harry back, temper flaring. However, his furious looks were diminished by the bits of rotten food that still covered the three.
"Let's just call the ship to pick us and all the stuff here up.", sighed Res, who was content with not losing another limb. Harry and Iona just shot each other murderous looks, but nodded hesitantly.
"As long as Iona isn't helping storing that stuff. I don't think I can handle another food monster."
"I totally didn't deserve that one!", complained Harry as they boarded the Headmaster. Res nodded in agreement. Iona had a sour look on her face.
"Whatever. I am taking an extensive shower now.", she said and walked to the women's washroom, followed by Res, who shot Harry a pitying look. Harry sighed deeply and walked to his room, ready to take a shower, but first, he had to study that disk!
Pulling it out, he took a closer look. Before he could even try to make sense of it, he felt knowledge flowing in his head.
"This...this magic! It's...Wingardium Leviosa? Wingardium Leviosa?!" Harry had a fit of homeric laughter. "You want to hear a spell? Wingardium Levi-fuck you!"
He raised a fist to the heavens above, shaking with anger.
"Wingardium Leviosa...", he muttered. "What's next? Lumos?"
A/N: Boom, finished! Hehe, couldn't pass up on that joke! Well, Harry will soon learn more useful magic. Next chapter: lots of blue skin and a Freudian slip-up!