Anthology of Interest
Scenario Four: Duty Calls (Zapp x Kif)
Well, here we are again, with another odd pairing. Eh. What can I say, I do love these drabbles. I prefer last chapter over this one, but eh, what can you do about it?
The PM system and my email are working again, so most of you should have gotten responses by now. Unless I'm lazy, which, you know, I am.
Moving on.
-+-
The Earthican army hadn't changed much in a thousand years, though one wouldn't know it from looking at the high(er)-tech gear, and the massive amounts of missiles. Oh wait, disregard that last one. Anyway, joining the military to protect one's home country was every young man's dream, or at least, a young Zapp Brannigan's dream.
Not that he wanted to die for his country or anything. Of course not! Zapp planned on living a long, full life. Full of women, that is. He wasn't overly picky, any woman would do, so long as there were many of them. Of course, fame was important too, but he could focus on that after the women.
The military was also the only option for Zapp, seeing as how he'd flunked every class in high school miserably, and was getting kicked out for various reasons anyway. Ah well, easy come, easy go! His parents weren't pleased though, and were actually eager to kick him out of the house and into the military. Zapp didn't really seem to care.
And he wouldn't have, if it weren't for a little self-doubt.
For all that massive ego of his, Zapp had a slimmer of doubt that always hung around, questioning everything he did, or wanted to do. Did he really want to join the military? Did he really want to become a famous war hero? Did he really like women?
That, in his opinion, was the worst. He did like women, obviously. He was a man. Men liked women. It was the only math equation he could understand, and he intended to uphold it. One plus one equals two. Man plus women equals right.
Zapp spent a total of two years in military training in a state of what could almost be called "inner peace." He wasn't arguing with that doubt, and he wasn't overly egotistical either. Things were great, in his opinion. He had yet to see battle, and he didn't even have to worry about rigorous training, since Earth was in a state of prologue peace.
Things would have been better if he hadn't run into the new kid.
Most of Earth's army was made up of humans, most of whom were indigenous to Earth. This one stuck out like a sore, green thumb. "Watch where you're goin'!" Zapp declared, shoving the green alien out of his way, only to get a mumbled response. "What was that, soldier?" He clapped a hand to the alien's shoulder and shook him around a bit, finding this to be highly amusing.
"Forgive me," The alien repeated a little louder, squirming away from Zapp's grasp and immediately starting off. "It won't happen again."
"Wait, hold up." Zapp held out a hand, watching in amusement as the alien obeyed. "I'm Zapp Brannigan. What's your name?"
"Kif." The alien responded, then after a moment added a last name, "Kroaker. Kif Kroaker, sir."
"I like you, Kif." Zapp declared, throwing an arm around the meek alien's shoulders. "I think we'd make a great team. Me, giving orders, you, doing what I say…"
That earned a loud sigh from the alien, but Zapp ignored it.
-+-
Shockingly enough, the two got along pretty well for the next few years. Kif was indeed very loyal to Zapp, even when he did the stupidest things (like steal a women's uniform and wear it, then force Kif to do the same). Zapp was obviously pleased with this show of power. But that doubt lingered still, perhaps even more than before.
You only want him around because you like him. The doubt declared, causing Zapp to stop dead in the middle of one of the obstacle courses one day. Several other soldiers ran into him and had some choice words to spare. "No I don't!" He told the self-doubt, but only earned odd stares.
Not only does he make you look good, he makes you feel good. The doubt next stated at dinner. Zapp tried to ignore it, but it was pointless. The doubt was clever and knew how to strike hard and fast. "Do not." He muttered into his soup bowl. The other men stared for a moment before returning to talk of blurnsball. He could pinpoint Kif's exact location, even though they sat at opposite ends of the cafeteria. Maybe it was because Kif was bright green, or maybe it was because the doubt was right.
But no, it couldn't be. Zapp liked women! He was sure of that. One plus one!
It was later on, when the troops had to be tested on their I.Q. (what a horrid day for Zapp that was), that he realized something odd about math in general.
"You know, sir, one plus one doesn't always equal two." Kif mused, watching Zapp write equations on the board and stare at them helplessly. "Certain variables can change the equation, and one plus one can equal five, if you really want it to."
Zapp turned and stared blankly at Kif for a long moment. "Really?"
"Yes, sir," Came the immediate and respectful reply.
"Hmm." Zapp looked back at the board. So one plus one didn't always equal two? He drew a conclusion quickly from that, and turned back to Kif with something rivaling a smirk on his face. "I think it's safe to say that one plus one doesn't have to equal two in our case, does it, Lieutenant?"
"I'm not…" Kif started to protest the rank, but was cut off instead, and then practically squashed as Zapp jumped on top of him.