A/N: I've been absent. I admit. But, no joke, I was kidnapped. By homework. I plan on pressing charges. And with all the research I've been putting into the American legal system, that can happen! XD All right, I'd like you all to meet someone very important. His name is Cliche P. Device (the P stands for Plot). I know I introduced him at the end of last chapter, under the false identity of Mr. Cliff Hanger. Now, he is going by his full name: Mr. Blatant Psychological Of Characters By Other Characters That Reveals The Plot. Enjoy, and review please!

-WhirledPeace

Pein was glaring. I mean, as far as glares went, I'd had my share, but this one almost took the cake. "I can tell you're mad," I said nonchalantly.

"Doesn't take a genius."

"May I ask what's troubling you?"

"You are," he said, voice shaking with rage. "You and your stupid notes and your stupid, fucked up questions! Why do you have to pry, huh?" I was taken aback.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean-" he growled, standing up to look down at me, "that you and your fucked up ways are pissing me off!"

"And why is that?"

"Because of what you did to Deidara," he growled.

"What did I do?" I asked.

"You did something stupid. Don't you dare try and pry into him again."

"Why? That's my-"

"It's not your job to give teenagers mental breakdowns. You're who they go to after that." I nodded.

"I'm sorry."

"I'll tell you who Sasori was, so long as you don't mention him again," he said. "We've all gotten used to it, so you can too. But you have to swear."

"All right. I promise not to mention him to Deidara-"

"-or ever-"

"-or ever, again."

"Good." Pein sat down. "He was one of our gang. Quiet. Kept to himself. But when Deidara came along, he opened up. He started talking, even smiling. Deidara calmed down a lot, too. He was really off his rocker, kind of like he is now, before that. Really insane. But he was calm, could hold a decent conversation, you know?" Pein sighed. "He's dead now. Got shot in the back. We don't know if he suffered long, but we told Deidara it was painless. He's young, you understand. He went mad, though. Started throwing things, wouldn't talk to anyone, hit me a couple of times. That kid can pack a punch." Pein sighed. "We try to do all we can, but he just gets worse." The boy licked his lips. "You understand, right?"

"You keep saying that," I said. "What am I supposed to understand?"

"Them. Us. Me." This was the most sincere plea I had ever heard.

"I understand."

"Thank you."

Kisame. Not much. No, really, not much. Me. I'm supposed to believe it. Supposed to take his word. But I know the ways to press. Kisame. Smarter than he looks. Like he's going to give in. Me. Asking again. In subtle ways. But he knows better. Kisame. Still smarter than he looks. Me. Give up. Wave a white flag. how had he won? I go on. I press other places. Kisame. Solid. No sore spots. No weaknesses. But solidly stupid. Me. Trying as hard as I can. Won't give up this time. Finally mention Itachi. Finally I get a foothold. Kisame. On the defense, now. The only point on which he'll elaborate; make clear. The only the only point he seems able to talk about. Maybe he'll open up. Kisame. Still a dick. Still an ass. Still keeping silent. Still making me wonder.

He can leave now. I have what I need.

After that headache, I found myself face to face with the source: Itachi. Why couldn't his big blue thing just admit feelings, damnit? "I talked to Madara. He'll be here tomorrow." Itachi nodded. "So, what do you want to see him for?"

"I have my reasons." Same as Pein. Wannabe. I actually found I liked their little leader.

"Care to talk about it?"

"No."

"Well then, I find no choice but to start from the beginning. How would you describe your childhood?" Itachi stood up and walked over to my desk, shoving all the papers and things off in a fit of fury.

"Get me Madara."

All right. Kakuzu was materialistic. Tobi was a childish amnesiac with attachment issues. Konan was the quiet one. Deidara was suicidal and rather off his rocker. Pein was their leader. Kisame was the dumb follower, with a hint of something I couldn't put my finger on. Itachi was the mysterious one, with his secrets and dignity. But this one didn't fit in. Zetsu was curled up in his chair again, head resting on his knees. He was looking thinner and had dark bags under his eyes. His hair had grown, and was hanging in his face. "I'm very glad to see you, Zetsu," I said, smiling. No reaction. "How have you been?" His expressions were unified into one of boredom. "How has your week been?" I asked.

"Well, until today."

"Hmm?"

"More specifically, a few hours ago. Very well until then."

"What made it good?" Oh, caught him! He wanted me to know what made him sad.

"The fact Deidara hadn't killed himself yet," he replied smoothly. Damn. Who was this Zetsu? "The fact Deidara was eating somewhat. The fact he hadn't beat the shit out of anyone. The fact he was alive. You've taken that one away." He was looking for excuses. And I was grasping at straws.

"Do you care about Deidara?"

"Do you?"

"Of course. I care about all my patients."

"I don't appreciate being lied to."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that you admitted yourself that some of them get annoying."

"That doesn't mean I don't care about them. You care about your friends, but they sometimes get annoying, right?" Zetsu shook his head.

"Annoyance is an internal problem. If someone you care about is annoying you, you've got the problem."

"Really?" His self-esteem just shot down.

"Yes." He reassured me. Going with his personality, he could've ignored me or given me an 'aren't you dumb' look. "I'm done here."

"All right. We'll talk later."

"Jashin! Didn't you hear me the first fucking time, heathen?"

"Could you spell that?"

"Kanji for wicked and heart." I wrote this out.

"I see. And what does this mean?"

"It's my god! Jashin!"

"And who was poking fun?"

"Everyone! Especially that fucker Kakuzu!"

"Really? Who is the bigger problem?"

"Everyone fucking else!" Swearing. Wanting to act tough. Insecure? Maybe. "They give me shit and then I have to go and beat the shit out of them!" That made perfect sense.

"Of course. But aren't there other ways to challenge them?" Hidan gave a short, sharp laugh.

"Of course not. I've tried that. No one ever listens, especially in a place like here. Except…" I waited. This was it. He eyed me suspiciously and stopped dead. I almost sighed.

"For?" I urged gently.

"None of your damn business."

"Oh, well that's a shame. I was rather hoping you'd like to talk about Jashin." Embodiment of his pure self? I'd read about that one somewhere, where a person made up a god to be their ideal self, with their ideal ethics and morals. Or was that just all religions?

"You don't want to hear about it." Stop acting coy and give me the evidence of your issues! We all have them, just spit it out, damnit!

"Oh, really, I'm quite interested. I'm sorry, I must be uncultured, but I haven't heard much about it." Hidan gave that same laugh. He was good at spouting out these noises of emotion.

"Well, not surprising."

"Oh? Are his followers very few?"

"Quite."

"Do continue."

"Me. Just me."

"No one else?"

"Nope." Casual. Taking pleasure in the fact, or brushing off deeper feelings?

"Were there ever others?"

"Well yeah, obviously. I don't just randomly come up with my religion, like everyone thinks."

"Who?"

"Well, wouldn't you like to know, fuckface? I'm done here."

Madara stood, Itachi sitting across the metal table from him. "You said," Itachi said coldly. "You said and you promised."

"I know, Itachi. But I expected that getting you out of there once meant you wouldn't get caught again. I'm just glad your psychiatrist called me." Madara sighed. "Here's the plan. You listening?" Itachi nodded. "I pardon you. I find you not guilty. After I interrogate you for a few hours, I find that you only ran because the killer was after you. I then say you're free to go, and you go live an honest life." Itachi nodded.

"Exactly what I would have done had you not told me to murder my parents."

"Shh!" Madara cried.

"Please, if you actually thought they knew what we were saying you wouldn't have been mouthing off." Madara sighed, sitting on the table.

"Are they treating you well?" Madara asked.

"No. No one ever has. How… how is… my… brother?"

"He's well. Hell-bent on killing you, though." Itachi looked down sadly.

"Oh."

"And I expect with the right cajoling he'll come around to our side."

"Yeah."

"And I also assume you'll be informing on Akatsuki, am I right? We haven't got much, but I know they've done worse." Itachi's eyes widened.

"You can't honestly expect I'll do that!" he cried. "They… they're my family." Madara laughed coldly.

"Your family is dead, Itachi, except for a brother who hates you. Akatsuki is a criminal gang who needs to be brought down. If I can get them for the murder of Sasori-"

"No!" Itachi cried, leaping to his feet. "They didn't murder him!"

"How did he die?"

"Drive by shooting that was never investigated."

"Well then, they as good as did it."

"They didn't! I'll testify!"

"No you won't," Madara growled. "And that Zetsu, assaulting a teacher? I can put him away pretty easily." Itachi's face resembled a fish as he sank back into his chair.

"No he didn't! The teacher was- was- don't you understand?"

"The teacher won't admit to anything, and Zetsu would just claim those things to get out of jail time. I could try him as an adult, just for-"

"No! Zetsu was protecting himself!" Madara shrugged.

"We'll see. As for Kakuzu, I'm not sure if we can get him for prank calling a government organization-"

"What are you talking about?" shrieked Itachi.

"But all that stealing from his parents, I'm sure we could send him for some good, hard prison time."

"He was trying to live! He was only buying food!"

"So? Stealing is stealing. That brings me to Konan…" Itachi looked horrified.

"What? What could she have possibly done wrong?"

"Assaulting her guardian. Imagine, taking in three orphans, and then being battered by them? How sad."

"Three?"

"Oh, right. Nagato. Murder." Madara grinned evilly. "I expect you'll keep your mouth shut, all right? Or else your ass is dead." Madara gave a nod and left the room. Itachi sank onto the table, holding his head in his hands. I was oh so glad I had planted that little video camera.