A N: ALL HAIL JKR AND DAN HARMON, OWNERS OF COMMUNITY AND HP! MAY THEY HAVE MERCY OF OUR TWISTED SOULS!

A N 2: And so it will be for the next chapters: J/A, Plot, Filler, rinse, and repeat. Till the end of this thing. Amen.

A N 3: Also known as "Abed Nadir and the Chamber of Secrets, Part 1"

Troy ran inside his room, screaming in joy.

"ABED! I'VE DEFEATED A TROLL BY THROWING A GIANT…" he slowed down, looking around, puzzled.

"Something isn't right…"

A black panther came out from the shadows, rubbing his head on his legs.

"But what a good kitty…" Troy said, absentmindedly stroking its head.

He hastily retired his hand, jumping away from it.

"ABED, WHY THERE'S A PANTHER IN OUR ROOM?!" He gave another look around, "AND WHAT HAPPENED TO OUR ROOM?!"

The room was now windowless, the only light coming out from the glow of the torches chained to the walls, now made of stone.

Empty cages were hanging down from the ceiling, some musical instruments abandoned on a side of the room.

A black throne made of stone swords was standing on the far end of the now bigger room, Abed sitting on it, his chin resting on his fist, his elbow resting on his leg, a red carpet coming from the entrance of the room toward the throne.

Except for that, the room was bare.

"I was bored…" Abed answered, his chin still on his fist.

Troy quickly walked towards Abed.

"And so you take a panther? Without asking me first?!" He asked in a whisper, trying to not be heard by the panther.

Who gave him a confused look.

"I wanted an evil pet, but I was afraid that you would have gotten jealous, so I've bought it for you…" Abed explained him with his usual detached tone.

"Well, that doesn't permit you to…" Troy stopped.

His face lit up like a child at Christmas.

And then he began squealing.

"YOU MEAN THAT THE PANTHER IS MINE?!"

"Yes…" Abed assured him.

Troy turned toward it with a large smile.

He began jumping on the spot for the joy.

"… AND I WILL CALL IT CAPTAIN CLAW AND WE WILL EAT TOGHETER AND SLEEP TOGHETER AND DO BUTT-STUFF TOGHETER AND FIGHT CRIME TOGHETER AND…"

Abed grinned at his friend's joy.

And somewhere in the world, a puppy just died for that.

"Excuse me…" Annie began announcing in the Greendale Library, "… Has someone lost this diary?"

She was holding a black, leather-covered book with no title.

It looked old.

Nobody answered her.

Annie huffed, "Well, if no one wants you, I guess I can use you for notes…"

She sat on a table, opening it and starting to write in it with her purple gel pen.

ENEMIES OF THE HEIR, BEWARE! THE CHAMBER HAS BEEN OPENED!

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Abed, Troy and Britta skeptically eyed the blood written writings on the wall outside of the girls' room.

"Has he really written an evil laugh?" Troy asked, absent mindedly stroking C. Claw head.

"Classy…" Abed commented as he scratched behind the ear of his phoenix, its claws nailed on his right shoulder.

He had called him Jack Harkness.

"I wonder who he could be…." Britta wondered aloud, giving Abed a suspicious look.

Abed gave her a "Who, me?" look.

Britta grunted.

"Hello, Britta, remember us, your Friendly Neighborhood Mindraping Voices? Yes? Just checking…" Abed's distorted voices said from the back of her head.

She fought the impulse to bang her forehead against a wall.

"Speaking of foreheads…"

"What the devil is going on here?!" Professor Winger thundered, Professor Duncan and Dumble-Dean by his side.

"Now Jeffrey, you know about our policy in quoting musicals here…" The Dumble-Dean began saying before his gaze landed on the writing on the wall.

He gave a long, high-pitched shriek.

"OH GOD, NOT AGAIN, NOT AFTER LAST TIME! I DON'T WANT TO…" The Dumble-Dean began screaming before being slapped by Professor Winger.

He quickly composed himself.

"Thank you Jeffrey, I needed that." He said to the professor.

""Last time"?" Britta asked, curious, "What "last time"?"

Jeff opened his mouth to say something.

"Nothing, Blonde Boobs…" Duncan quickly interrupted him, "… And 125 points to Gryffindor for their valor in finding it and the best chess match I've seen in ages…" He announced, pointing at the wall.

"Well…" Troy began, embarrassed.

"Actually, I've found it…" Annie said from behind them, her robe covered in blood and feathers.

They began staring at her.

"What?"

"Ladies, Gentlemen, Dumble-Deans…" Professor Winger said from above one of the tables of the Cafeteria, "… I believe you all know why we're here…"

"It's because of the Plague Rat infestation?" One of the students said from the crowd.

"Hey, that's just a rumor!" Dumble-Dean yelled from the faculty table.

"No, it's because Dumble-Dean…" Dumble-Dean coughed.

Jeff sighed.

"… Super Kami Dumble-Dean, Order of Gandalf, first class, rich playboy and magnanimous Chessmaster of our lives…"

Dumble-Dean made a pleased smile.

"… Believes safe for the students to take self-defense class, so…"

"It isn't what the DADA lessons are for?" Another student said from the crowd.

Jeff rolled his eyes, "No, the DADA lessons, like most of the other classes here, don't really have any actual purpose…"

He heard a scandalized gasp from the crowd.

He smirked to himself.

"Alright, we need two volunteers…"

The crowd made a collective step back, Annie and Britta left outside of it.

"Edison! Perry! Come up here!" He cheerfully ordered.

Annie scrunched her nose in disgust, "Eww, we eat here, you know?"

"Worst thing happened on those tables, trust me…" He said, winking at her.

She rolled her eyes at that.

Annie and Britta climbed on the table.

They faced each other, their faces inches from the other, their wands the only thing separating their bodies.

"SLASH! SLASH! SLASH! WE WANT THE SLASH!" Abed's distorted voices, and some of the members of the crowd too, began chanting.

Annie gasped.

Britta grunted.

"Scared, Edison?" She teased her.

"You wish." Annie said in an haughty tone.

They both simultaneously turned, heading to the two far ends of the table, Duncan as an arbiter on one, Winger on the other.

"Alright, there are no rules in this except, please, don't kill the other girl…" Duncan said from behind Britta, "… It would be such a waste…"

"This will be interesting." Abed said, conjuring two bowls of Pop-Corns and passing one of them to Troy.

The two contenders both deeply bowed, dark thought suddenly springing in the minds of the totality of the male audience in the room.

"SERPENSORTIA!"

"RICTUMSEMPRA!"

They simultaneously yelled as they both rose from their bow almost at the speed of light.

A snake came out of Britta's wand, soon after hit by Annie's bolt.

It began twitching on the table.

"ALARTE ASCENDARE!" Annie yelled, aiming at Britta.

The bolt hit her, making her jump of several feet in the air.

And then making her land on her butt.

"Ouch!" Britta complained loudly, "Ehm… Fakus Latinicus!"

Nothing happened.

Annie gave her a bemused look.

""Fakus Latinicus?""

"What, that wasn't real Latin either!" Britta yelled, rising from the ground.

"At least it worked. ALARTE ASCENDARE!"

Britta jumped again of several feet in the air.

And then landed again on her butt.

Britta groaned, "Stop doing that!"

"Then defend yourself, you… Mean Person!" Annie shouted her.

A girl screamed.

The serpent, unnoticed by anyone, was now headed toward a glasses wearing girl in the front row of the crowd.

Of all the teachers in the room, Jeff was the only one who tried to do something, raising his wand and aiming it at the snake.

A flying bowl of pop-corns hit the snake on the head before he could do anything.

The girl gave the now unconscious serpent a shocked look.

Abed was quickly by her side.

"Are you alright, Miss…"

"R-Rachel…" She stuttered as she gave him an idolizing look.

He gave her a charming smile, "Rachel, have you ever considered the joys of harem building?"

She weakly smiled at him.

"And 200 points to Gryffindor for their alertness in dangerous situations!"

Professor Duncan raised his head from his desk as he heard a knock at his door, quickly hiding his bottle behind it.

"Come in."

Abed opened the door, "Professor Duncan, I'm here to report a grave fact."

This startled him.

Abed gave him a confused look, "Did you expect someone else?"

He quickly recomposed himself.

"No, no, please sit, Mr. Nadir."

Abed kept staring at him as he entered the room, sitting on one of the chairs in front of the desk.

"So, what did you want to…?"

"I know who has opened the Chamber."

And Professor Duncan was startled again.

"W-what?"

"And I know about your vow on her mother deathbed to protect her unlike you did to her mother because of your deep dislike for her father and yet trying to pretend to hate her while instead you just see your past love in her." Abed explained without even pause to take a breath.

"WHAT?!"

"Your secret is safe with me, Professor Duncan…" He said with a neutral tone.

Duncan gave him an estranged look.

"You've read too much bad novels, kid."

Abed gave him a puzzled look, "But, you didn't sworn on Britta's mother deathbed that…"

"Slow down there, Buddy… Britta's what?!"

"You know, because she has her mother's eyes…"

He gave him another weird look.

Abed rose from his sit, "You cannot resist your feelings for her, Professor! It's just a question of time!"

"Abed, maybe you've got another headbutt while you came here, so I will not make you gain any house points for this. However, I must assure you that I don't have any feelings for Britta! I want to bang her, sure, but seriously… Who doesn't?"

"You cannot escape the power of the OTP!" He yelled again.

"Whatever you say, Abed…" Duncan said, rising from his sit and reaching him, "Now, why don't we go to the infirmary and…"

"No!" Abed yelled, his tone more emotional than usual, "They would close my mind! And I need my mind opened!"

"Now, Abed, as a potion master and a psych, I must tell you that…" He stopped as a book was smashed on the back of his head, making him fall unconscious.

Another Abed stood there, a time turner in his hands.

The two Abeds stared at each other.

"Cool." They both said at the same time.

And then they did their handshake.