It was three days since their angry conversation on the phone. He had yet to tell Lexie about his situation and he was really dreading it when the time came. He came home that day to a sleeping Lexie. He rummaged through his closet loudly, loud enough to wake Lexie. She woke up to see him throwing around swear words along with throwing things into the suitcase on the floor.
"What's going on?" She asks worriedly, rubbing her eyes.
Mark turns around quickly to glare at her. She has never seen him this mean or cold. "We're going to Seattle . Pack your things now." He growls.
Lexie is beyond pissed now; he thinks he has the right to boss her around. "Oh. You didn't think it would be better to tell me what? Yesterday even?" She says sarcastically.
Mark rolls his eyes at her fake anger, something he would have never done if it was anytime else. "Just do it Lexie. Will you listen to me for once?" He tells her, his voice laced with venom.
Lexie inhales and tries to laugh the hurt off. It doesn't work. "Not before you explain." She orders. "I'm not moving until you tell me what's going on Mark." She says angrily.
"Lexie it would be a lot better if you just shut up and got your ass moving." He says, weaving his hands in his hair confusedly. He packs another pair of shoes messily. Lexie walks up to the suitcase and throws out the things he's put in. He walks up to her and grabs her hand to make her stop moving. Lexie looks up at him feigning a brave face. She already feels the tears stinging her eyes. "Enough Lexie. Just do as I tell you to."
"NO! I'll give you what you want when you give me what I want Mark." She says angrily. "That's only fair." She says wiping away the tears.
"Don't--" Mark begins, his voice low and rough. "I don't want to deal with this right now!" He explains.
"Deal with what?!" She questions. "Maybe I can help you!" She suggests angrily. "You don't have to deal with it on your own. Just let me help you!"
Mark shakes his head, not trusting his voice. "You wouldn't understand." He says defeated. "This isn't something I can talk to you about."
"How do you know that?" She asks desperately. "I have no goddamn idea to what you're even going on about!" She screams.
"Lexie--- just shut up please!" He yells. "Just give me one fucking minute to think!"
She looks at him with big eyes, she has definitely, definitely never seen him this mad. "Why won't you tell me?" She chokes out. "Is it that bad that you don't want to tell me?"
"I don't have time to explain!" He shouts at her, throwing his hands in the air. He smashes the lamp on the desk to the floor. Lexie stands up with fear. "I have no time to explain but I swear to god that I will." He sighs dejectedly.
"Okay." She whispers. "I trust you." She says, putting back the fallen lamp on the desk. He scared her but his leaving her scared her even more. She went up to him and cupped her hand to his cheek. Mark groans, pushing her hand away carefully. She looks at him questioningly, she can hardly breath with all the anger in the air.
Mark felt an empty pit in his stomach; those three words shook him to the core. He couldn't be trusted. He was a bad man and he would definitely be a horrible father. You shouldn't. He thought, not trusting the words that would eventually come out. You deserve more than me.
$**#)_$#$&
The next hours were filled with anger and irritation with the two. The moment they arrived in Seattle , he called a cab and didn't bother to open the door for her or carry her luggage. Lexie felt hurt and insulted with his attitude the past day. She noticed him distant and tired all the time but she never knew it was this bad.
Only if she knew why.
Lexie tried to say something to break the tension. Even that was a hard thing to do. All of his answers were formed with yes, no or sometimes maybe. She couldn't bare that any longer truthfully. So she found it wiser to keep her mouth shut.
The ride to the hotel felt even longer than the whole day itself. Once they got down, Mark took the keys of their reserved room and headed straight up without any warning. Lexie was smart enough to notice he just wanted her to follow him without a word.
She opened the door to their suite. It was a familiar room to both of them; she threw her suitcase onto the floor and sat on the bed, pulling her knees up to her chest. "Where to now?" She says desperately seeking his answer.
"I'm heading to the hospital, you should just stay here." He says his mind ready to blow.
"Why did you bring me then?" She says tiredly. "If you were just going to leave me in a hotel room alone, why didn't you just leave me in Boston ?" She hisses.
Mark growls at her angrily, this would have usually turned her on but not today. Definitely not today. "Will you stop playing twenty questions?"
"Only if you give me my answer, the answer I really want." She says impatiently. Mark rolls his eyes at her and looks at her like she's the one who's lost her mind.
"Listen Lexie, just give me a day. Give me a day to get everything straightened out then I swear to god that I will make everything right." He pleads.
It would take a lot more than a day to get her to forgive him.
"Are we staying long?" She asks, trying to get her mind off the topic.
"If you'd like to." He says bluntly. "I thought you might want to see the others." He sighs. We're staying as long as it takes. He thinks to himself irritated.
Lexie nods and rubs his back soothingly. It didn't have the affect it used to, it used to stop his heart and make him feel happy but now it was an effort that was only reassuring herself. Mark could feel the fury roaring in his ears, trying to make her stop trying. He didn't want anything more than to get out of the room and try to fix the damage done.
She made a move to hug him and he didn't protest. She circled her arms tightly around his waist, a little too tight for his liking. He felt her tears through his thin shirt and hated that he was the cause of them. He didn't try to stop her from crying though, he buried his nose in her hair. An act he used to find comforting and healing, now it couldn't even stop the fear and anxiety radiating off his body.
Mark's brain crumpled, thinking how he reduced himself to more than a man whore. He was a goddamn son of a bitch that didn't even know how to be a decent human being. He reduced himself to Derek's level, hurting the one you found precious over and over again.
Except this time, Mark didn't know which sister he wanted more.
)$(*$&)
He wasn't sure if she would be there at the hospital. It was nine and he assumed that she was either at home or at Joe's with her friends just as she used to do. So it surprised him when he saw her at the nurses' desk. The same desk they met at all those years ago.
He could say it was his loud black shoes on the pavement was the cause of her eyes meeting his, it or was simply the electricity both bodies gave off when in the same place. Meredith looked at him with a panicked glance and he just continued walking.
It was heart-breaking to see her. She looked so frail and thin that she might just break if he bent her. She looked underfed and didn't have enough sleep, which was obvious because of the dark purple circles under her eyes. She didn't have the glow all pregnant women were supposed to have, Mark thought. She was gray and pale and he wouldn't have recognized her from a far.
He must have gasped at her complexion because Meredith had her snarky front ready once he reached her. Mark recognized the change though. He knew that what had happened had broke her. It made her vulnerable and weak, something that no one—especially Meredith Grey—wanted to be.
Meredith opened her mouth to speak but a wave of nausea passed through her. Her hands instinctively reached to her stomach as she started rubbing soothingly. "Not now baby." She says closing her eyes and whispering.
Great she loved it already. Mark thinks bitterly. He looks at her with concerning eyes, something he did unconsciously. He didn't want to show her he actually cared.
"I was betting on five days." She says curtly. "You seem to have arrived two days early."
"You bet that I would come?" Mark says coldly, tugging at his sleeves. They're receiving questioning glares from the nurses and interns that recognize them. It has never bothered him before, maybe now it's because Lexie might find out from someone else.
"You're sleeping with Lexie. I'm sure her goody-two-shoes act rubbed off on you a little bit." Meredith laughs at her own innuendo. Mark gives off a small growl at the cold mention of his girlfriend. "But you really want to know why?" She asks.
Mark hesitates and that seems to have sealed his answer.
"You're a doctor." She says simply. "You save lives for a living, that title actually gives you a free pass for being called half a decent human being." She sighs.
Mark struggles. He's never seen her cold or distant before. He's never seen her indifferent about something that included her.
"Now my turn to ask a question." She says testily. Mark shuffles nervously on both feet. "Why are you here?"
Mark is silent. There's no explanation to why he came. There's no explanation either to why he brought Lexie with him. "I don't know." He finally says, but truthfully.
Meredith doesn't look at him and nods to her shoes. She shakes her head at him and starts to move away. He blocks her and puts his hand on her shoulders. The mere touch was electrifying. It brought his heart to a stop just because of the contact. "Meredith" He pleads.
"I want answers. Come to me when you have them." She snaps back.
Their eyes connect and it's as if no one else in the room exists. She pushes his hands off of her shoulders and starts to walk away. She can't run fast so Mark reaches her in a matter of seconds. "Wait. Just listen." He shouts, begging her to stop running.
Meredith nods and looks around her, everyone is staring now. This was definitely going to be the new topic of the hospital by tomorrow. Meredith rolls her eyes at her own thoughts. Since when did the vultures ever stop?
"Listen to me." He shouts, transporting her back to reality. He's now aware of the volume of his voice; he pulls Meredith along and drags her in the Attending locker room. ". You want me to answer you now and I tell you" he says angrily shaking her. "I can tell you that if I give you your answer now its going to be made up of lies. I want to give you the truth Meredith, so be patient while I find it."
Meredith nodded again and sighed meekly. "Did you tell her?"
He shakes his head no and she looks at him with a mix of awe and disappointment for keeping the lie up this long. "Did you tell him?" He says bitterly.
Meredith looks at him in surprise; the last thing she expected of him was bringing up Derek. "No I didn't." She says.
"Then you can't get mad at me for that." He frowns. "You're just as bad as I am."
"I sometimes forget you've been in this situation before." Meredith scoffs coldly at his comment. "With Addison right? She was carrying your child too." She hisses.
"You have no right" Mark growls. "And it's not the same. You're actually keeping the child." He notes.
"That's because I'm not Addison." She fires.
"No you're not." He nods, looking around him instead of her for once. The eye to eye contact was strong and he was tempted to meet it again. "But you've just stooped to her level bringing that up." He says angrily.
Meredith looks at him surprised and realizes he's actually right. "I'm not Addison." She repeats. "Just because you're an ass doesn't mean I'm going to be." She says.
"You know Karev said those exact words once." He says, sitting down and putting his head in his hands.
Meredith nods and looks at him. "Look, I'm sorry. What about we head to Joe's for one drink?" She sighs. "Just get out of the hospital, too many memories." She says.
Mark doesn't find himself resisting.
$&#$P)(*$(
Mark was nursing his glass, his focus fully on the scotch in front of him instead of the beautiful woman beside him looking at him worryingly. He knew there were stares. He knew that people were whispering and wondering what he was doing back and with the wrong sister. He could hear the faint mentions of Lexie and Derek in their prying conversations. They were all waiting for the pin to drop for one of them to explode like they did earlier.
"Aren't you going to drink that?" Meredith says snapping him out of his own thoughts.
The stares and whispers were a buzzing bee to his ears and eyes now. It's not going to leave so the only thing to do is get used to them. For the first time since they got to the bar, he looks up at Meredith, like really looks. This is the first sincere look he's given her since he's arrived. He sees the pain and the exhaustion on her face. She's still the same beautiful Meredith, just not the Meredith that smiled.
"You can't." He shrugs. Their elbows immediately touch and Meredith pulls hers away abruptly. She'd be lying if she said that she didn't want to down a whole bottle of tequila right now but the baby was the first thing on her mind.
"So?" She replies, raising her eyebrows slowly. She looks at him and he almost looks as tired as her. She wonders whether it's the last month or the past day he's spent in Seattle and on the plane.
"No fun if you're just going to watch." He says simply, as if its common knowledge. Meredith looks at him in surprise. She wasn't sure if the fact that his was thinking of her comfort was intimidating or just…hot. "It's okay. I'm fine, Lex wouldn't be that happy."
Meredith visibly winces at the mention of her name and the memory of his failure to tell the truth. It didn't go unnoticed by Mark and he shoots her a questioning glance. "I hurt her too." She sighs, finally approaching the 'don't touch' subject.
"You don't have to tell her." He says sarcastically. His pessimistic comments would usually get on Lexie's nerves, but not Meredith.
"Guess you're right." She says, looking down at her hands guiltily.
"Lexie's complicated. She'll never forgive me if I leave you to handle this baby alone." He says.
"You sure about that?" she replies bitterly. "I doubt that she'll feel sympathy for the traitorous sister." She says. She senses his angry glare and she looks down at her hands again. "Is that why you came back?"
"Part of it." He sighs truthfully.
"If you lost her, would you leave for good?" Meredith asks.
"What do you mean?" He says running his fingers through his hair.
"Would you leave if she left?"
"I really don't know."
"You're not used to not having answers are you?" Meredith says.
"Yeah." He says quietly, finally taking a sip from the glass.
"I know how it feels." She nods. "It feels like you've—"
"Listen…" He starts suddenly feeling bad. "We were drunk, it wasn't a big deal. We can move past this why can't she."
Meredith feels the tears prickle her eyes. Damn hormones, she thinks to herself. Instead she simply nods and doesn't make eye contact.
"We were drunk. It didn't mean to happen. We didn't feel anything." Mark says, beginning an awkward silence. Those words were to convince more himself than Meredith and both of them knew it.
No one spoke for at least a minute and the stares, whispers and glances died down. They were one of the last few people left at the bar and they were at the table at the end, so no one would hear their intimate conversation.
Meredith just nods and looks back at her hands.
"Why do you seem so okay with this?" Mark asks after a while. "This is a big thing; I doubt that this has happened more than once with you."
"I'm not okay with this." Meredith says truthfully. She looks at him with eyes with concealed pain. "I'm no way close to okay with this but where does bitching and whining get me?" She asks. "You make a choice. I choose to take the higher road."
Mark nods and takes another small sip of his drink. He lets his hand fall on top of hers and she looks up at him in surprise. "I'm making a choice." He whispers. "I'll stand by you and this kid but I'm going to try and make things work with Lexie also."
Meredith feels a knot come up her chest. She pulls her hand away quickly and stares at him for a moment. "Was it this hard?" She asks, tears approaching her eyes.
"What is?" He says, wiping away the hair that fell on her face. He sees her hesitation to ask and tries to put her in a more comfortable situation. His eyes traces down to her stomach. Nothing gave off signs of her situation, not yet anyways.
She notices his eyes travel down and feels the heat rise to her cheeks. He's seen her naked before but his judging eyes make her feel self-conscious. "Betraying someone you love" She breathes out.
Mark rips his eyes away from her body and it meets his shot glass. He finishes it in one gulp before he looks at her again. He notices the little glow she has, he assumes it's because of the pregnancy but it shocks him none the less. He's also surprised with her forwardness, he's never known her with this much guts. "It was never easy. I know that much."
"I just…My stomach ties in knots, I can barely breath most times when I even think of her and I choke whenever I hear the names." She says. "I just want to know if that's just me."
"Definitely not just you." Mark nods to her and lifts his hand, signaling another drink. "It's not just you when the guilt eats out your stomach and your head grows fuzzy thinking about how much you hurt the person." He sighs. "But eventually, it grows numb and you find another kind of happiness." He says.
"I learned that numbing the pain just makes it worse when it comes back." Meredith states, sipping from her glass of water. She looks at him and he quickly looks away. She notices his staring and his occasional glance down at her stomach.
"Yeah but when it actually does come back, you know how to handle it." He shrugs.
"You're a wise man." She says quietly.
"What are you on?" He chuckles. "And tell me where I can find some." He smirks cockily.
Meredith giggles the first one she's had in months. Mark rejoices in hearing her honest to god laugh.
"You don't smile enough." He says lightly.
"Neither do you." Meredith retorts. It's true though, her time was usually dealt with coping with stress and dealing with her problems which wasn't fun at all.
"Ahh, that's where you're wrong." He grins. "How are you Grey?" He says calmly.
"I've been better." Not lying. "But I'm not at my worst anyways." Not lying. "I'm just getting used to dealing with all the issues I left behind and all that jazz." She says waving her arms around as a gesture. "I'm not fine" She says seriously again. "But I'm handling."
Mark nods before firing another question. "Have you spoken to Derek?" He asks.
Meredith feels everything get slightly less bright and shiny. He notes that her body tenses up at the memory of what happened. "Yes." She says quietly. "He's still a bastard the last time we talked."
"What happened?" He says, rage bubbling up at the thought of Derek hurting Meredith.
"He tried to kiss me." She says plainly. "I told him not to, he stormed off." She shrugs. She feels Mark squeeze her into his arms and she tries to make the tears stop from falling.
"He didn't…" Mark began. Meredith whipped around quickly to face him and looked at him disbelievingly.
"He would never hurt me physically, not on purpose anyways." Meredith snaps.
Mark fumes up at her defense. He wonders why she's still defending his honor and trying to make him look like a good guy even when it was obvious he wasn't. He doesn't know that Meredith also thinks the same thing.
"I can take care of myself." Meredith states. "I have been—" She begins before he cuts her off.
"I know you can take care of yourself." He says angrily. "I'm you're friend, I'm just offering to help you." He says.
"Stop trying to help." She says stubbornly.
Mark's hand falls on hers again and she finds herself not pulling away. He traces small circles into her palm while she looks up at him. She gets lost into his blue pools and feels her eyes wander down to his perfect features. Once her eyes reach his lips, she feels the heat rise to her face remembering the way he kissed her—every part of her with those lips.
Mark smirks at her response, perfectly aware of what he was doing to her. "You're going to need my help eventually." He breaths quietly.
She feels his breath on her forehead and tries to fight the urge to move closer and inhale his musky scent. She doesn't win.
He smells like man and the rain, a perfect combination. He doesn't wear the obnoxious cologne that she thought he would have on. She feels her heart beat a little bit faster, and is sure that everyone can probably hear her sigh. She feels his breath on her hair, only inches away from kissing it.
"Grey" He says warningly, though not moving away.
"I can't…" She whimpers quietly.
He feels heat prickle his eyes and looks up, instead of at the beautiful girl in front of him. "I love her." He says painfully.
Meredith jerks away with a hurt expression and looks down at her hands. "I'm sorry." She says at the floor. "We should probably go…" She stands up and makes a move to leave before she feels his hand on hers.
"Wait, I'll follow you home." He sighs tiredly. "Please let me." He says with desperation in his voice.
Meredith doesn't respond but waits for him to follow her to her car. He opens the door and lets her slide in. She doesn't look up again because she's too scared to make her eyes meet his. When she's sure that he's already in his car she looks at the sky and wonders how they ever came to this point. She starts the engine and drives off, with him behind her.
She didn't try to escape him on the ride home. His presence alone was comforting on its own. It made her feel a little safer and less lonely. And for the most part, she wasn't sure if she wanted him to leave.
Meredith pulls up in front of the old house, aware that he's watching her every move. She grips the wheel tightly before exiting the car. She pretends he's not there and goes inside the house with no goodbye.
She looks out the window just in time to see him drive off. Just like that, the happiness, the feeling of comfort, and the blanket of safety came off.
She's never felt more alone in her life.