Pain in the Neck

By FAH3

It was a very cloudy and dreary afternoon as the sounds of bagpipes playing Amazing Grace filled the air at the Go family mansion. Only an hour ago, Henry Go had just buried his beloved sister, Sheila, after suffering from an unknown illness foe several days. Now all her friends were sitting in the living room as grief continued to weigh on everyone's hearts. But for some strange reason, it seemed most of Sheila's friends were over half the male population of London.

"I can't believe Sheila's actually gone." Kimberly Anne Possible wept as her friend and fiancé, Ronald Stoppable, tried his best to comfort her.

"It was a lovely service, though. Wasn't it?" Henry asked as he did his best to keep his crying down to a minimum.

"Yes, it really was." Arthur said as he looked at a portrait of his late fiancé. "Now where the hell am I going to go for a booty call?" Arthur said to himself.

"Amen." Most of the men in the room said to what Arthur had just said.

"Sheila did look like an angel." Ron said, making everyone smile for just a moment. "A dead angel." He added, causing everyone to groan in annoyance.

"Wade? Could I see you alone for a minute?" Professor VanHelsing asked his former student.

"Of course." Wade said as he and his old mentor stepped into an occupied portion of the house. "What do you need to talk about?"

"Wade, we have to keep an eye on Sheila's tomb tonight. She has now become a vampire, and could rise at any time." VanHelsing said to him.

"That is it!" Wade said in frustration. "Professor, I am sick and tired of these ridiculous vampire theories of yours! Just what makes you such an expert on them in the first place?" Wade demanded.

"For your information, I spent several years in the presence of a life sucking monster that was determined to do nothing but make my life a complete, and total, living hell."

"You have?" Wade asked.

"Yes. It's called a wife! Now excuse em, I must think." VanHelsing said as he began to walk away.

"Is that think, or drink?" Wade asked.

"YES!"

It was nearly midnight in the garden of good and evil. The only living person present amongst the various crypts and tombstones was an old grave digger, tirelessly working on a new grave for a funeral tomorrow morning. He stopped for a moment as he wiped the sweat from his brow and looked at the Go family crypt.

"It really is such a shame to bury one that was so young. Not to mention she was such a wildcat in the sack." The grave digger said with a smile before it turned into a frown. "Damn it! Now where am I going to go for a booty call when I need one!" he said to himself as he went back top work. He continued to dig deeper into the cold and damp ground until he stopped once more. For a moment, he could have sworn that he heard tapping.

"Is someone there?" he asked, holding his lantern up. "Is anyone out there?" he asked loudly.

"Help me." Said a voice, but he could barley hear it.

"My ears must be playing tricks on me in my old age." The old man said as he began to lower his lantern.

"The hell they are! GET ME OUT OF HERE!" the voice said louder.

"I really did hear that! But it's coming from the . . . Go crypt? Dear Lord, they buried her alive! AND I HAVEN'T BEEN LAID IN A WEEK!" the old man said as he scrambled out of the hole in the ground and ran as fast as he could to the family crypt. With all his strength, and the thought of finally having sex again, he pulled the heavy stone door open and saw a slightly pale Sheila Go standing in the entrance. "Are you all right, Miss?" he asked her.

"Oh, yes." She said with a smile before she grabbed the grave digger by the back of his neck and bit into the side of his neck.

"Wow! What a . . . woman." The gravedigger said with a smile before he dropped dead.

"I'm feeling so much better now." She said as she licked the fresh blood off of her lips. "It tastes just like Hawaiian Punch." She said with a smile before she heard the sound of footsteps approaching. "I better hide." She said, not wanting to take any chances of being found out.

A few moments later, Ronald Stoppable appeared with a bouquet of flowers in his hand. He hadn't really been able to give his respects at the funeral since he had been trying to comfort Kimberly. So he thought now would be as good a time as ever. He was confused at seeing the door to the crypt open, but he thought that maybe Henry had a few more things to take care of before having it closed.

"Poor Sheila." Ron began. "Kimberly misses you such much, and you were such a nice person. Sometimes. And you had such a great looking ass. I mean, wow!" Ron said.

"It's nice to know that someone noticed." Sheila said as she emerged from her hiding spot, with only the basics of her once elegant dress covering her.

"Holy jumped up, bald headed, Jesus Palomino!" Ron said as he stumbled backwards against the trunk of a tree. "Sh-Sheila?" Ron asked.

"I was always curious about something, Ron. Does Kimberly treat you right?" Sheila asked as she walked toward him, making sure that her dress exposed as much cleavage as possible.

"W-what do you mean?" Ron asked, terrified at the fact that hos fiancé's dead friend was in front of him.

"I mean, has Kimberly ever put out?" she asked.

"Actually, s-she wants to wait until we're married before we try anything." Ron said as Sheila was almost pressing herself into him.

"Leaving you the pathetic virgin?" Sheila asked with a chuckle. "You know, all you had to do was ask me and I would have helped you with your . . . problem." Sheila whispered into his ear sensually as she firmly grabbed him by the crotch, causing the young man to gasp.

"Sh-Sheila? I-I don't t-think we should be doing this." Ron said as he breathing began to quicken.

"Why? Don't you like it?" Sheila asked as she nibbled on his ear and started rubbing him in between his legs.

"I-it's not . . . not that. It's j-just wrong." Ron said as his breathing became ragged. "It . . . it's just . . . oh, to hell with it! WRONG ME! WRONG ME! WRONG MY BRAINS OUT!" Ron shouted as he began to enjoy Sheila's actions.

"Here's something you won't forget." Sheila said with a smile as her fangs began to extend.

"GET CROSSED, BITCH!" VanHelsing shouted as he lept from the bushes and shoved a crucifix into Sheila's face! The undead vixen hissed at the religious icon as she leapt backward from a now very dazed and confused Ronald Stoppable. "BACK! Back to the pit from which you came! This is one man you won't rope into alimony payments!" VanHelsing shouted.

"This isn't over with, you old goat!" Sheila shouted before running back into the crypt.

"Stoppable, are you all right?" VanHelsing asked the young man.

"DUDE!" Ron shouted as he decked VanHelsing in the face.

"Wow. That actually hurt." VanHelsing said as he rubbed his now sore jaw.

"WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR?" Ron shouted, upset that the action he thought he was fixing to get was so rudely interrupted.

"I just saved your life. That wasn't the Sheila you once knew. She has become a creature of the night." VanHelsing said.

"She's a prostitute?"

"No, you moron. She's a blood sucker."

"Oh my God! You mean she's a lawyer?"

VanHelsing merley groaned in frustration as he grabbed Ronald by the arm and drug him to the crypt's entrance. "Ronald, look there!" VanHelsing said as he pointed to the dead grave digger and the mrk on his neck. "You see that? Sheila did that to him."

"No way! She gave a dead guy a hickey?" Ron asked.

"Of all the! Come on, moron! We've got work to do!" VanHelsing said as he marched into the crypt and took Ronald with him.

Inside the dank crypt, VanHelsing quickly lit several torches and revealed Sheila sleeping soundly inside her coffin with the giant stone slab tossed aside like it had been made out of cardboard. VanHelsing was quickly looking through his bag for what he needed while Ronald merely looked at her in shock. It was like she was both dead and alive at the same time.

"I could almost swear she was asleep." Ron said to himself.

"She's at her most vulnerable. Now we can set her free by driving a stake through her heart." VanHelsing said.

"Do what? Professor, there has to be some other way!" Ron said to him.

"Well," VanHelsing said as he thought about it. "We could cut off her head, stuff her mouth wit garlic, cut out her heart, and burn it." VanHelsing said to him.

"Stake through the heart you said?" Ron asked him.

"Yes. Now, get to work." VanHelsing said as he gave Ron a sharpened stake and large wooden mallet.

"ME? Why me?"

"Because only someone who loved her in life can do it." VanHelsing said.

"But I didn't love her. I just wanted to have sex with her."

"Close enough." VanHelsing said as he took a few steps back.

"What are you doing?" Ron asked him.

"There's bound to be a little splashback."

"Splashback?" Ron whimpered as he began to pale.

"Just a little. Now place the steak over the heart and hit it as hard as you can."

"I can't believe I'm doing this." Ron whimpered to himself as he did as he was told.

"On the count of three. One, two, three!"

Ron struck the steak with the mallet fast and hard, sinking the steak into the body and was rewarded with a steady stream of warm blood hitting him in the face for about five seconds.

"Oh – my – GOD!" Ron shouted as he wiped the crimson fluid away from his eyes. "T-there's so much blood!"

"What do you expect? She just ate." VanHelsing said as Ron looked into the coffin.

"Professor! She's still alive!" Ron said.

"What?" VanHelsing shouted as he walked back to the coffin. "That should have," VanHelsing stopped talking as he got a good look at Sheila's body inside the coffin. "Stoppable, you moron! You staked her through the crotch!" VanHelsing said.

"But why was there so much blood?" Ron asked him.

"You staked her through the crotch. Think about it for a minute." VanHelsing said as watched as Ron's face became appalled.

"OH MY GOD! SOMEONE GET ME A TAMPON, QUICK!" Ron screamed.

"No time." VanHelsing said as he yanked the stake out and gave it back to Ronald. "This time, over the heart." The old Professor said as he walked to the other side of the crypt.

"Why are you walking over there?" Ron asked him.

"After that first time? I'm not going to pay out the ass to get this suit cleaned."

"Damn you, old man." Ron mumbled to himself.

"On the count of three. Ready? Three!" VanHelsing said as Ron struck the steak as hard as he could.

As soon as the steak pierced her ribs, a large spurt of blood squirted Ron in the face as Sheila let out a death gasp. Ron did his best to hold his breath as the blood continued to squirt all over him for five seconds until it slowed and stopped.

"I think she's" Ron said, but stopped as another spurt began to hit him for another five seconds.

"Okay. I think," he said before another, shorter spurt hit him again. After it stopped, he kept an eye on the corpse for a minute before turning to face the Professor again.

"Okay. Now I'm sure she's," Ron didn't even get to finish before an even larger spurt erupted and hit him in the head for almost thirty seconds before a very frustrated Ron looked at the dead corpse.

"WOULD YOU HURRY UP AND JUST FREAKING DIE ALREADY?" Ron shouted as he hit the steak several more times. With one last blow, an enormous geyser of blood erupted from Sheila's body. The geyser completely soaked every inch of red blood and part of the crypt's walls and floor's as well while VanHelsing hid behind a pillar and remained dry. After a minute of horrific blood gushing, it finally stopped and left a whimpering Ron standing in place as VanHelsing came out from his hiding place to look at Sheila.

"Unclean. Unclean." Ron whimpered.

"I don't know. Maybe one more," VanHelsing was about to say before Ron grabbed him by the collar and brought him nose to nose with himself.

"She's dead enough!" Ron said as he threw the hammer away and let the old Professor go. "Is she at peace now?"

"Yes. She's at peace, Ron. She's now giving a booty call to the angels." VanHelsing said.

"Lucky stiffs." Ron said.

For the time being, Kimberly and Wade had been staying at the Go mansion to keep Henry company and try to help him with loosing his sister. But after Ronald had left and VanHelsing disappeared, they had begun to grow rather worried. It was now the early morning hours, and they still hadn't come back. Kimberly had been searching the large grounds for almost an hour when they met back at the main entrance of the mansion, both out of breath.

"Anything, Wade?" Kimberly asked him.

"I didn't find any sign of them." Wade said.

"It's been hours. Where can they be?" Kimberly asked, on the verge of tears again.

"Wait a moment. There they are!" Wade said as he saw both Ronald and VanHelsing coming down the road and through the main gate. Quickly, he and Kimberly rushed to meet them. "Where have you two been? We . . . what happened to you, Ron? You look like you've been swimming in Hawaiian Punch."

"Don't even ask, quacker boy." Ron growled as he tried to wipe some of the drying blood off of him. "Let's just say that the Professor was right."

"I know he was right, Ronald." Wade said.

"Oh? Now you believe me?" VanHelsing asked them.

"Yes. We do." Wade said.

"We?" VanHelsing asked.

"Let's just say that I have a pain in the neck." Kimberly said as she brushed her red hair aside, and lowered the collar of her dress to reveal two puncture marks on her neck.

"My God!" VanHelsing said in shock. "This can only mean one thing."

"Yeah." Ron said. "Sheila gave her a hickey too! KP, how come you couldn't let me watch?"

"For crying out loud." VanHelsing groaned to himself. "It means that the vampire is now after Miss Possible. We must find a place to hide Miss Kimberly. Some place where the vampire wouldn't think to look for her." VanHelsing said.

"What about the Asylum, Professor? You have to admit that only a lunatic would try to break in to a nut house." Wade said to his mentor.

"Wade, that's crazy. So crazy, that it just might work." VanHelsing said.