AN: This chapter crosses the line between "absurd" and "no-holds-barred crazytown."
To My Brother, Thor, Whom I Slept With:
Staff Vaulting (Or, the Origins of Loki's Pole Dancing Abilities)
"This is the worst idea you've ever had," Loki grumbled.
"No, brother!" Thor promptly contradicted. He peered over his shoulder to look back at Loki and grinned. "This is a brilliant idea, and you are just jealous that you did not think of it first!"
Loki's scowl could not quite hide the truth of Thor's statement, but he scowled nevertheless and tried to look as indignant as possible. This wasn't hard to do; nothing ever good came of hauled out of bed in the dark of night, especially when the individual doing the hauling was Thor, shouting, "Loki, wake up!" followed by the words, "I've just thought of something!"
Once Loki was awake enough to stop complaining and actually listen, however, he'd been forced to agree that Thor's scheme had merit, and agreed to participate. Hence their current – and precarious – position beneath their parents' bed.
"Where do you think will be the best place to try it –"
"Shut up!" Loki hissed, flailing an arm out and punching Thor on the shoulder. "They're coming!"
Both boys fell silent and hunkered back down to lie flat on the carpet, watching as their mother's daintily-shod feet entered the room, followed by their father's black dress boots.
"What an evening," they heard Frigga sigh as Odin shut the door behind them.
"I'm not sure what I found more fascinating," the Allfather remarked with a laugh. "How long that fool was able to discuss the lost art of salad arranging, or your ability to look enraptured as he blathered on. Well done, wife."
"Why is salad arranging an art?" Thor whispered in Loki's ear, muffling a yelp when Loki kicked him to be quiet. A silent but furious fistfight commenced, which came to a halt when Frigga asked, "Did you hear something?"
"Only the rattling of these old bones," Odin grunted as he sank down on the bed. The sound of the mattress shifting above the boys' heads was accompanied was a quiet, unmistakable clang; the Allfather had set Gugnir aside, propping it up against the wall by his side of the bed where he always kept it at night.
Oblivious to the presence of their sons, Odin and Frigga went about their usual evening routine. Loki had nodded off by the time they finally came to bed, leaving Thor to stand vigil as he waited for their parents to drift into sleep.
After waiting an interminable fifteen minutes, light snores could be heard. Taking that as his cue, Thor poked Loki in the side, clamping a hand down over his mouth to keep him from shouting as he came awake.
They're asleep, Thor mouthed to Loki, who nodded and gently pushed his brother off of him. It was time to commence Part One of their plan.
Hitching forward on his stomach, Loki inched his way over to their father's side of the bed to where Gugnir sat, just visible in the darkness, the occasional gleam of light glancing off of it from the banked fire. He waved his hands in opposite directions; the golden staff vanished from sight, tucked away in what the family had started referring to as Loki's Dimension – an invisible pocket where he habitually stored the odd object (or contraband) that caught his interest.
Gugnir acquired, the boys began to make their escape, silently coming out from under the bed and padding their way to the door. Both breathed a huge sigh of relief upon crossing the threshold into their own room.
"I thought they would never fall asleep," Thor remarked as he flung himself onto the chaise lounge. He bounced on it a few times and then eagerly motioned to Loki, urging, "Let's see it."
"Patience, brother," Loki replied, doing a perfect imitation of their deportment master. Thor stuck his tongue out in response.
Smirking, Loki retrieved Gugnir with a flourish, making it re-appear in a flash of emerald light. Gingerly, he set the golden staff upon the bed as Thor clambered up to joined him, and together they spent a few moments gazing at the legendary weapon in reverent silence.
"We should go to the practice yards," Loki remarked, breaking the quiet. He reached out a finger and drew it across the golden metal; it hummed beneath his touch. "There's not enough room in here to try it out without knocking something over."
"We could cut it in half," Thor suggested as if this were the most practical solution in all the realms. "And then weld it back together again."
Loki gawked at him in horror. "This is Gugnir, brother," he reminded Thor, exasperated by his brother's short-sightedness. "You cannot simply cut it in half like a tree. The metal is too strong." A thoughtful look suddenly came over his face. "Although…" He darted over to the stack of books on his nightstand.
"What?" Thor demanded, following him.
"Something I read in a book," Loki answered distractedly. He dug through pile, searching for one in particular.
"Of course," Thor intoned. He let his head fall back to address the ceiling as he said, "A book. Why does it always involve books?"
"Here it is!" Loki exclaimed, snatching up a small book of embossed blue leather."Future Inventions of Midgard. I was just reading it. It's a device called…" He leafed through the pages, muttering as he searched, "A chain…chain…Ah, here we are. A chainsaw."
He passed the book to Thor, whose scorn immediately vanished upon seeing the picture on the page. It was of an intriguing device with an orange-and-black handle, connected to a many-toothed, blunt-edged blade.
" 'Black and Decker?' " he asked, reading aloud what was written on the device's handle. He looked at Loki, wide-eyed. "What does it do?"
"It cuts through impervious materials," Loki explained, reaching out for the book. Thor made no move to return it, too busy flipping through to see what other curiosities he could find.
"Impact driver," he breathed excitedly. "Sabre saw – " He snapped his head up and looked at Loki with mounting enthusiasm. "Brother, can you make any of these machines?"
Loki rolled his eyes and snatched the book from Thor's grip. "Well, that's the point, isn't it?" he retorted, turning back to the chapter about chainsaws. He skimmed the text, nodding to himself like a pompous professor in miniature as Thor waited impatiently beside him.
"What's wrong?" he demanded when Loki's face fell.
"The saw of chains will be far too loud," Loki explained with a sigh. He closed the book and set it aside. "And Mother has only just started teaching me sound dampening spells. We'll just have to try Gugnir the way it is."
Thor was too good-natured to pout for long over this disappointment, and smiled. "Let's push the furniture up against the walls," he suggested to Loki. "It will free up more space."
For once, Loki did not argue with his brother. The boys made quick work of it, leaving their bed in place to serve as a landing area. Thor had the idea to run a moat down the center of the floor, which Loki obliged, and on a whim also conjured up one or two finned creatures – sharks, he explained to Thor. They swam ominously beneath the waves, lending an air of mystery and danger.
"You first," Loki declared when their preparations were complete.
"As is my right," Thor replied confidently, narrowly missing the swing Loki aimed at his head.
Snickering, Thor hefted Gugnir in both hands and braced himself against the far wall opposite of the bed. Loki watched from the sidelines, half-hoping his brother's first attempt would be a spectacular failure (because then he could tease Thor mercilessly), and half-hoping he was successful (because then Thor might be so pleased with himself that he would forget to badger Loki into taking his own turn at the game).
Thor took a deep breath, pushed away from the wall and galloped forward, placing Gugnir's base onto the floor just as he approached the moat. Using the staff as leverage, he launched himself forward into the air and drew his knees to his chest, whooping in triumph as he sailed across the miniature river in a neat arc to land in a heap onto the bed.
"This is great fun!" he shouted, bouncing to his knees. His hair stuck out in every direction, straw-like, and he beamed exuberantly. "Your turn."
Loki managed a wan smile and stepped forward to take Gugnir from where Thor held it out to him across the moat, trying to ignore the blunt-nosed shark that was eyeing him beneath the waves. He hated heights. Why had he let Thor drag him into such a stupid adventure?
As Thor called out encouraging words ("Remember, brother, the worse that could happen is we'll get caught and Father will thrash you"), Loki attempted to gauge the distance between himself and the bed, trying to mentally prepare for what he was about to undertake.
"Chicken or bilgesnipe, brother?" he heard Thor slyly inquire.
"Neither," Loki snapped, glowering. "And move out of the way. I would hate to land on you and break your face."
Thor flopped back down onto the chaise lounge, grinning with smug superiority as Loki cautiously backed up against the wall. Clutching Gugnir between sweaty palms, he took a huge gulp of air, squeezed his eyes shut, and blindly started to run.
Fourteen steps, he told himself, counting the number of times his feet pounded upon the floor. Fourteen steps until he needed to press Gugnir to the ground and jump as hard as he could –
"Loki, watch out!"
Loki's eyes flew open to see he was hurtling towards the waiting mouth of an eager shark. He'd either miscounted steps or been taking longer strides than usual.
Without thinking, he slammed Gugnir to the floor and leaped, but he was too slow in his timing, and the shark jumped from the water just as Loki reached the apex of his jump.
I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I'm going to die.
These would have been Loki's final thoughts, but reflexes he was heretofore unaware he possessed suddenly flared to life.
Maintaining a secure two-handed hold on Gugnir, both of Loki's legs kicked out, holding his body parallel to the moat as he swung clear of the shark. The creature rallied with its tail, managing another few inches higher in the air; Loki kicked again with his feet to propel himself a full three-hundred-and-sixty-degrees around Gugnir, successfully keeping himself out of harm's way. Thor, watching from below as his brother pirouetted mid-air around a pole to escape a fanged sea creature, had to admit this was quite a performance, and congratulated himself from having the idea to steal Gugnir in the first place.
The shark splashed back into the water just as Loki landed feet-first on the bed. He stood there for a second or two, breathing weakly, before falling to knees, and then face-planted forward onto the bedclothes.
"That was amazing, brother!" Thor crowed, slapping him on the shoulder. "Shall we do it again?"
Loki could only manage a muffled groan in reply, and promised himself that he would pretend to be asleep the next time Thor woke up feeling inspired.
AN: I still can't quite believe the interest this fic is generating, but hey, I'm not arguing! Thanks! And I have no explanation for why I thought introducing Thor to power tools would be a good idea. Although to be honest he seems more like a DeWalt kind of guy than Black and Decker…
PS- If you have a second, go look at "You've Got Sucker's Luck," my other Loki fic. It's darker and less silly, but still (I think) worth a look-see.