Disclaimers are in the other three chapters, go read them if you want. Here I'm just going to thank everyone who's reviewed this so far. I probably wouldn't have kept at it so much without your encouragement. Thank you all very much. I had a really hard time writing this chapter, but bear with me. I'll try to bring everything together soon. I have my reasons for doing what I do.

Oh, before I forget, you've probably noticed that each chapter has a little flashback in it. I intend to continue to do that, but I might not. We'll see. The point is that I might write a couple mini stories around those flashbacks if I'm asked to. I might do it anyway, but even if I do, I won't post them unless one or two of you want them. And if you want something expanded in the main story, let me know. I'll probably do it, just be specific.

And as one of my reviewers pointed out (Much thanks to all of you, btw), I do in fact know that mortally wounding a lesbian can be considered cliché. Unfortunately, I have this habit of putting my characters through hell before they can be happy. It's not because I don't care about them, but because it's the best way I know to emphasize how strong these women are. If I ever publish one of the novels I'm working on, you'll see what I mean.

Two Soldiers: Fire and Ice

Chapter 4: Fear and Courage In the Face of Love and Death

Clair absently pushed her badly matted hair back and leaned back against the side of the wagon. They were almost back to Aquios, but she was terrified they'd be too late to save Nel's life. The doctor that had accompanied them and the other wounded in the wagon had exhausted herself caring for the dying on the field, and two of the other survivors would be corpses without her help, but all that meant little to her. What mattered to the Shield Legion commander right then was that the young woman couldn't do much for the redhead lying there. Of course, she couldn't either. She tried, but she couldn't summon the energy to form the spell. She had no idea how Nel had pulled herself together enough to do what she had.

'You fool,' she found herself thinking for what felt like the thousandth time, 'why did you have to go and do something so stupid? Now you're lying there, and there's nothing I can do to help you! I sent you into battle, Nel! I should have ordered you back to Aquios, or to stay in Arias. Something. Anything...'

Logically, she knew she had done the right thing for Aquaria, but that didn't soothe her in the least. It hurt more than any physical pain could to see Nel lying there, pale and still as death. Her friend had always been restless, and she wanted so badly to just go back to the night before. The one thing she was grateful for was that she had finally said something she should have long ago, but had been too scared to even face it in her thoughts. She hadn't thought she could take Nel's rejection, and she still didn't think she could, but... she had needed to say it.

'Clair Lasbard the coward,' she mocked herself, shaking her head, 'It took the woman I love more than anything in this world nearly dying to make me face my own feelings.'

She sighed, ignoring Cliff's curious look. She could hear the lums pulling the wagon start to slow, and looked out, grateful beyond words that they were entering the main gates of the capital city. She leaned over her friend, lightly touching her cool, dirty cheek.

"Hold on, Nel. We're almost home. Don't forget your promise."

The wagon stopped completely at the stairs to the castle entrance, and Cliff helpfully lifted the slim spy while two other soldiers each attended Fayt and the others. Clair went on ahead and got the high priest, the best healer in the land next to the queen herself, to meet them in Nel's room, and he was there just moments after she and Cliff had gotten her settled.

"What happened to her?" he asked, even as he set to examining Nel.

"She had a couple of close calls with those red lightning bolts from the celestial ship."

He looked up at her, noticing her obvious exhaustion and wounded state. She was leaning heavily on a cabinet, holding one leg up, which, on closer inspection, was clearly broken.

"Lady Clair, perhaps you should go rest in your room. You look..." he paused, trying to find a tactful way to say what he was thinking, then just shook his head. "You look terrible."

"I'm not going anywhere," she growled, her gentle voice becoming almost harsh, for her, "Nel is here, and from the looks of things, and what she said on the battlefield, she could use all the help she can get."

"She was conscious on the battlefield?"

She nodded.

"Yes, up until she decided to be foolish enough to try and heal me. I was almost hit by one of the blasts, and was badly wounded. Nel put all her strength into a healing spell, and passed out not long after."

The priest looked between the two women again, then sighed softly.

"She seems to have cared enough about you to risk her own life to preserve yours, Lady Clair. That is a rare trait."

The runologist gestured to the limp form on the bed.

"Could you please help her?"

"Yes, happily," he replied, "as soon as you sit down. Master Fittr, I believe? Could you please get Lady Clair something to eat and drink?"

Cliff nodded, and Clair settled into the chair that the blonde had helpfully set near the bed, close enough for her to stroke the crimson hair without being in the priest's way. He worked slowly and carefully, doing everything he could. He had worked for at least two hours, during which Cliff had dropped off a large tray of food and plenty of water, when the door was opened again. Clair had been dozing lightly, barely able to keep her eyes open, but she jolted upright when the queen herself came in.

"Your majesty!"

She started to rise, but had forgotten her leg. She had long since gone numb to the pain throughout her body, but the second she put weight on it, it collapsed under her, and she cried out softly. Tears came to her brown eyes, but she held them back.

"Lady Clair, you need not bow. Help her back into her chair, if you would be so kind."

The priest did, shaking his head at her.

"Your majesty," Clair started once she caught her breath, pushing the pain to the back of her mind. She refused to be weak. "With all due respect, ma'am, what are you doing here?"

The queen gave her a long look.

"I heard that one of my finest warriors was down here dying. There was naught to do but come give my aid. I have much training in the healing arts, as you well know."

Clair bowed her head.

"I know, you're majesty. I... I would greatly appreciate any aid you could give Nel. I have yet to be able to summon the energy to lend my own strength."

She got another long look and had to resist the urge to shift under the penetrating gaze.

"You were badly wounded as well?"

The commander nodded reluctantly.

"I was. It's likely I would have died had Nel..."

Clair closed her eyes, the memory of those moments raw in her mind.

"Lady Nel used her last strength to save Lady Clair's life. That is why her healing is progressing so slowly. We often use the body's reserves to speed things along, but in her case, there are no reserves. It's very touch and go, because if anything slips, she could well die."

"In that case, I would imagine my aid would be appreciated."

"Indeed, your majesty."

The runologist watched as her queen leaned over her friend, and for the next several hours, labored as hard as any of the field doctor's had. A servant helpfully brought in more food, and the two had a brief break before going back over Nel. When they finally stepped back, they were both exhausted, but when she tried to offer her chair to the queen, she was waved down.

"It has been long since I have used my skills as a healer. I am somewhat out of practice. I will rest, then attend to some of the other wounded. Lady Clair, I apologize that I cannot yet heal your leg, but I am afraid I must conserve my energy for the dying."

Clair shook her head.

"I'll deal with it myself after I rest."

The priest waited for the queen to leave, then kneeled, calling up a weak healing spell.

"It's not fixed, but it will hold for a time. Sleep, Commander. You are no good to either of you if you don't. I have a feeling you will need your wits about you when your friend wakes."

He left, quietly shutting the door behind him. Clair slowly pushed her stiff, aching body out of the chair and, limping heavily, took the two needed steps to be at the other woman's bedside and slowing laying down, careful not to jar Nel.

"I hope you don't mind, Nel, but I can almost guarantee I'll be having nightmares if I sleep, which it seems I must. I don't think I'd be okay if I woke up and you weren't there."

She wasn't sure if she was being heard, but in truth she didn't care. She needed this desperately, and Nel had never turned her away in the past.

'Of course, she might not be so accommodating after this.'

With a sigh, she settled just close enough to be able to feel the warmth of her friend's body without touching her.

'I hope she'll at least remain my friend. She seemed okay when I told her, but she was also pretty out of it.'

She sighed again. This was getting her nowhere fast. Clair breathed in and out in a steady rhythm, trying to sleep. Exhausted as she was, it didn't take long, but she also had to face the expected nightmares. She'd wake up every so often, almost screaming but somehow holding it in. She wanted Nel to wake up, but not because of her. Of course, there was also a part of her that wanted to be as far from her friend as possible when she woke up.

'Why is this so difficult?'

The runologist finally slipped into an uneasy slumber that lasted more than an hour or so, and woke to find green eyes very nearby. She blinked, dazed, then jumped in surprise when her brain finally registered where she was and whom those eyes belonged to.

"Nel!"

She jumped to her feet, then cried out softly. Her leg, while no longer broken, thanks to the priest's spell, wasn't strong enough to hold her weight, and hurt terribly if she tried to. The spy blinked up at her, her round, dirty face looking dazed and pale.

"Clair?"

The Crimson Blade's voice was rough and weak, like her throat was completely dried out, which the commander of the Shield Legion realized could well be the case. She looked around, finding that a new tray had been dropped off at some point, complete with a pitcher of fresh, clear water.

"Here, Nel. Drink some of this. It should help."

Clair slipped into her command mask, trying to keep her voice steady and her body from shaking, obvious clues of her emotional state to Nel, even in the state she was in.

"Clair," her friend managed to get out around the lump in her throat, "stop it."

"Stop what?"

"Stop hiding. I can see you're upset."

Clair's jaw tightened slightly.

'She's too good at reading me...'

"I'm not upset, Nel," she replied, still not looking the other woman in the eye as she helped her get some water down her throat.

It was sort of true. She wasn't upset, exactly.

'No, not upset. Scared out of my wits would perhaps be the most accurate description.'

She shook her head, trying not to think about why she was so on edge.

"I... I'm going to lie down in my room. It's been a long while since I last slept in my bed here."

Nel's green eyes pinned her where she was, and she could do nothing under that suddenly very clear gaze. Clair tried to look away, but that didn't work either. When the Crimson Blade looked at someone like that, no matter who it was, she had never seen anyone be able to break the bonds her eyes created. This held true for her, if not more so. She had been fascinated with those green depths as long as she could remember.

"Sit down, Clair."

She did, if slowly. She could feel herself shaking, and wondered what would happen next. She had a feeling it wasn't going to be very good.

"What's wrong, Nel?"

"What's wrong? Well, my best friend is trying to get as far away from me as she can. I'd like to know why."

"I'm not..."

The commander couldn't say it. Nel had pushed herself upright by now, her sharp eyes on level with her own.

'I am trying to get away from her... I can't lie and say I'm not, because she'd see right through that. I can't tell her why, because...'

She knew the answer to that, but it sounded hollow in her mind.

'...Because I'm terrified she's going to tell me she hates me...'

"Nel... I just..."

When she hesitated, the redhead rose unsteadily to her feet, moving so she could kneel in front of the gray-haired woman. Her calloused hand touched the injured leg, and Clair drew in a sharp breath, both because of the jolt of pain that caused, and little shocks spreading from Nel's fingertips.

"No one healed this for you?" The Secret Legion leader asked, frowning darkly.

"Everyone, including the queen, is busy with the dying. The high priest cast a minor spell to heal the worst of it, but nothing else."

"The queen?"

Clair nodded.

"She and the high priest saved your life. I couldn't do anything. Something was keeping me from forming the spells."

The spy nodded absently, tracing the extent of the damage to her leg. After a couple of long moments, during which the runologist barely dared to breathe, a soft mutter rose from her friend, and a soft light surrounded her hand. The pain in her leg eased, vanishing to all but a dull throb she could barely feel.

"There. That's better. How do you feel?"

"It feels a lot better. Thank you Nel, though once again, you shouldn't have done that. You have to stop wasting your energy on me."

Nel looked up at her, frowning again.

"Your well-being is never a waste, Clair. You are worth my life any day."

The green-eyed woman shook her head. She knew she shouldn't have said that, even if it was the truth. She'd happily die for Clair, but hearing her say that would only make her friend worry about her more than she already did. When the brown eyes became wet and blurred Nel closed her own eyes, thinking about earlier that day, unable to face the tears.

(Flashback)

She, Fayt, and Cliff had managed easily enough. They ignored the soldiers engaged in combat, and killed those that got in their way. The weapons they carried were from Airyglyph, the best money could buy. While she disliked contributing to her enemy's economy, she was a warrior, and a warrior knows the quality of her weapons and armor can save or end her life, so she'd better have the best.

"Fayt, we're almost there. The Dragon Brigade is guarding this area, so Vox must be nearby."

She wasn't sure if the young man heard her or not, and it didn't matter. Only moments later, they reached Vox himself, who foolishly ordered his soldiers back so he could fight them himself. They defeated him, but not without some trouble. His dragon's fiery breath had been difficult to dodge, and his lance almost as quick to wound. When the battle ended, they were tired, but not unbearably so. None of them were particularly injured either, but all that changed when the first burst of light struck, hitting Vox full on.

"What! AGG!"

She had hated the man, but even she couldn't help but feel some small empathy for the obvious agony in that scream, though it lasted only a second. Next came the shockwave, knocking them off their feet. She banged her head on a rock, but ignored it.

'What was that?!'

After a brief, if confusing, conversation with the two men, she turned back in the direction of the command center, then gasped. The... whatever it was... was decimating both sides, and as the runological weapons were aimed at this new threat, she had to swallow a scream. She had seen Airyglyph's Dragon Brigade turned to dust by the celestial ship's weapons, and if her people attacked...

'Clair could be in danger!'

That thought drove her to sprint as fast as she could back to the command center, the engineers only a few steps behind. They skidded to a stop when they were met by Dion, even as she frantically searched for Clair. Another short, confusing conversation was interrupted when Dion fell, struck by debris from a blast that landed right in front of him.

'What if that happened to her?!'

She redoubled her efforts, but before she could find the always-familiar profile anywhere nearby, a blast knocked her from her feet, slamming her heavily into the ground. The world faded to black around her, and her last thoughts were of the Shield Legion Commander, and a prayer.

'Clair... please be safe... may the grace of Apris protect you...'

(Flashback)

She felt tears on her own face now and irritably wiped them away. She knew what she had to do, but she hated to do it. The fog over her thoughts had gone, leaving what had been said before she had passed out clear as crystal at the fore.

"Clair... we should probably talk about what happened."

The sudden shift was warning enough for the Shield Legion commander. She was sure she wasn't going to like what was about to be said.

"I... okay. If you want to."

Nel hated to see change in her friend's manner, the slightly slumped shoulders, the faintly shaking body, the tears that didn't quite fall, and the despondent voice, but she knew this had to be done. It was the right thing to do, for both of them.

'Isn't it? If it is, why do I feel so... empty?'

She shook off her thoughts, focusing on getting the words out.

"Clair... you said you loved me, that you thought you might be in love with me."

The runologist nodded slowly, aware enough of herself to know that if she tried to speak, her voice would crack and so would she. She would beg the redhead to accept her feelings if not return them.

"You have a right to know, Clair... I... you are the best part of my life, the one constant, and the only person I trust completely. I hope we can remain friends, but... I can't love you. I don't even think I'm capable of loving anything anymore. That's one thing I respect most about you, that you're strong enough to hold on to your soul despite all the death and pain around you."

Clair clenched her jaw shut, refusing to let her tears fall. With each word, her heart broke into even more pieces. Nel saw it, but didn't fully comprehend the reasons behind it, though she had a fair idea.

"Please understand. If I could love you as you deserve, I would. But I can't. You'll find someone suited to you someday, I swear."

'This is the right thing to do, isn't it? She deserves to know the truth. But… why do I feel like a liar and a coward? I'm doing the only thing that's right for us both… aren't I?'

With a soft sound that the spy knew was a barely restrained sob, Clair stood and retreated to the door, then turned, and for the first time Nel really saw how bad she looked. Her eyes were wet and bloodshot, her face and every inch of exposed skin liberally coated with dirt or blood, or both. Her clothes were torn and equally dirty, and her hair was unkempt and matted. It was all she could do to not rise and pull the taller woman into her arms and hold her as tightly as she could. The pain on her face was immensely obvious to her despite the commander's attempts to bury it.

"Clair..."

The runologist shook her head, every line of her body indicative of defeat.

"As you wish, Nel. I... I think I'll go back to Arias. If you... if you ever need me, I'll be there."

Clair's voice betrayed her entirely too fragile state of mind. She was strong enough to face death and the horrors of war, but this had broken her heart, and she had to leave before she broke down completely.

"Goodbye, Nel. Get some rest, and take care of yourself."

The redhead blinked, confused and hurt, not for herself, but because she knew what she had just done had caused more damage to her best friend than she thought possible.

'Is this what love is? This desperate need to take away another's pain, to want to never hurt them again? And what does one do when they hand someone their heart and they throw it in their face?'

"Clair, wait!" she cried as the brown-eyed commander started out the door.

This time, Clair didn't turn. Her eyes were fixed on the floor, and her hand stayed on the door.

"Please, Clair, wait."

She was unaccustomed to begging, but she would do anything to take the pain she had caused back. It weighed heavily on Clair's shoulders, and her entire body was almost sagging.

"Please, Clair..."

Finally, the other woman looked up at her, her normally gentle, lively brown eyes dull and dead, with only the faintest hint of the woman she had known all these years behind them.

"There's nothing left to say. I need... I should go."

She took another step out the door, then turned again, looking Nel right in the eye.

"But I think you're wrong about yourself. You are one of the most loving, giving people I've ever met, and your soul is strong and kind. I hope you find someone for yourself who makes you understand that, as I apparently cannot."

With that, the Shield Legion commander was gone, closing the door behind her. Nel moved as fast as her weary, pained body could go, yanking open the door. Before she could call out, Clair was around the corner, her steps rapid but unsteady. The spy slowly limped back to the bed, collapsing down onto it as tears poured down her cheeks.

"By the gods... what have I done?"