Santana looked at her wrist watch and quickly stood up. Why on earth she had the guts to do it, she doesn't have any idea.
Maybe because Brittany mattered to her.
No she did not.
Yes, she did.
No. She can't have those feelings again.
Yes. If she hadn't cared about her, she wouldn't have dashed out to kill those muggers who were trying to knock her off. And for what?
A purse. She did care about Brittany.
She worked her way to the kitchen, and flung the fridge door open. She might as well get some grub before her tummy goes into a ruckus.
She walked to the nearest food stand she could find from her apartment, and munched on the chicken fingers she had bought from the food stand and watched the people run around, getting their exercise.
The sun felt good in her skin, warming her deeply, until it reached to her bones. It's been so long since she had felt the fresh air rush inside her. It was as if an invisible curtain had been lifted from her world, and now she could see things way better.
Or it could turn worse, her small mind said out.
A little dog circled around her leg, making her feel queasy. Finally, there was someone who whistled at the dog, making Santana feel alright again.
"Oh, Mike…there's your dog. Please say hi to Tina for me, okay? See you at work," a sweet voice fluttered through the air and reached her ears. Then, her body froze completely as she was staring face to face with Brittany.
"Hi," Brittany said it, ever so awkwardly.
"Hi," she replied back, and then started to walk away from Brittany.
God, Santana, why do you have to be such an idiot?
"Hey, where are you going?" Brittany called after her. And it made her stop dead on her tracks. The hair on her nape stood up, making her heart thump crazily. But the dark evil force that seemed to pull her down and deeper wasn't there. It was plain nervousness.
"Hey," she said, her mouth turning dry. "How are you?"
"Hi, umm…I'm fine. I'm Brittany, again. What was your name? I didn't catch it when we were in the grocery," Brittany said it innocently and she gave Santana a loose smile.
"I'm Santana," she drawled on, making sure her voice had been heard out.
"Mhhhm…coffee? Or what? Walk to your house?" Brittany offered with a smile. Suddenly, when Santana was about to answer her, Quinn just emanated from behind her.
"Oh, Brittany! Come on, I was waiting for you!" her voice resounded through the thick air.
"I should be going," Santana said, the defiance in her voice was audible. But, she felt thankful for Quinn anyhow, because if it wasn't for her, she would've fainted at Brittany's words. Most probably, it wouldn't happen.
She walked the length of her street and went in the building where she lived. In her fluster to get in, she did not even bother to talk to the doorman, she just passed on.
Her place wasn't big, nor small. It was comfy, and she had been doing goo in job, so it never really mattered. She walked up to the long windows and stared out into the open. She had grown into a proper woman, strong woman, even…
She just hoped that her mother had lived long enough to see it.
Voices. Again, they were calling her. Into the dark.
She pressed her palms flat on her temples, in hopes that it would make the pain dissipate. She let out a high-pitched whine and screamed out softly.
The voices were still there. She crawled to the floor and curled up into a ball, hands clasped to head, eyes tightly shut, and forehead wincing in pain…
Be strong…
Be strong…
It was like a broken mantra that came into her trance as she fell into the dark gel-like water that seemed to envelope her very being. She can't escape. There was no way she could.
But the voice of her mother…
It was like a lighting beacon, showing her the way. She felt rising up, into the safety above. She felt like there was something propelling her up, upward to the reality of the above world. Into the world of the living. She closed her eyes and she started to float away.
When Santana fully opened her eyes, it was already dark. She must have slept all day.
She opened the windows and let the cool, fresh air rush inside her lungs, filling it up as she inhaled. Maybe she needs to get out. She went for the rooftop.
The city was humming from above. The sounds and sirens were not that noisy, it was just a small hum of a wasp comb, or something. Santana walked to the edges of buildings and jumped from roof to roof. She's feeling at peace, at least.
The city lights blinked and reblinked and flittered through the air as Santana watched the cars pass by below her. She was sitting on the edge of a building, just by the block's corner, her feet dangling dangerously, but she wasn't scared, at all.
Air rushed in to fill her lungs again and she had remembered the earlier conversation she had with Brittany.
"I didn't catch your name…"
"Hi…"
She often wondered where Brittany could be at this time of hour.
Probably, sleeping.
Or at her desk.
Maybe dating?
Santana instantly regretted thinking about it. She knew, she can't have Brittany. Not in any way possible, because of the plain reason that she can't be lovable. She doesn't deserve to be loved. And especially Brittany.
She doesn't deserve her.
But she felt that pang of pain eat through her as if it was an ugly maggot that resides inside her frail heart and it's gritting and gnawing its sharp teeth inside her already.
She can't bear to think about Brittany having someone else.
Cold air tapped her shoulders as she heard a low bass from across the street. She looked into a red-bricked behemoth of a building and noticed that on the rooftop was a party. Men and women, mostly her age.
She doesn't go to parties anymore. Not since she had been left alone by her mother. And her father…
Never mind.
Pain again, and the voices start to call her back.
Santana squirmed at the gnashing pain.
Fingers wrung and brows knitted together, she tried to think of happy thoughts. And apparently it helped. She stared into the crowd again. People milling about, holding drinks, laughing, dancing.
They're happy.
And then someone was making her way through the crowd and leaned over the edge of the building. Then looked up, straight at her.
She smiled and eyed her with deep scrutinizing sapphires. Her obsidian earth eyes met the ocean blues.
Santana's brown leather jacket fluttered and danced through the wind and there was a shock on Brittany's face. It remained for a few moments, and then she looked into same earth-brown eyes.
She was smiling at her…
She was smiling…