Restraint

By: pnaixrose

Disclaimer: I don't own Card Captor Sakura or any of its characters. They all belong to CLAMP.

Summary: For eighteen years, Syaoran's family has kept him in the dark about a secret that would tear him away from everything he loved. He would soon learn that loving her would be the one thing he would never be able to do...for her sake. But it's hard when your body, heart, and soul aren't cooperating with reason. It's hard when you want to love someone, when doing so will only hurt her in the end.

Chapter 4: Mulling

A Chinese teenager furiously shook her head in confusion, her long pigtails whipping around her in response. She was trembling with anger. How could they do this to him? They were his own family, his own clan!

She didn't get it.

"But, Auntie…" she pleaded, her voice not sounding like her own. After all, since when did the stubborn, almighty Li Meiling address someone – even if it was someone with authority in her clan such as Li Yelan – with such pleading? "H-How could you take him away from Tomoeda! Surely you want to consider his feelings! Don't you see how Tomoeda is his home? His rightful place?"

It was the umpteenth time that the young martial artist had unexpectedly met with Li Yelan, the mother of the Li Clan leader, in this way. She had yelled and begged and cried, trying every way to make her aunt see how wrong it was to take Syaoran away from Japan. Meiling had been unsuccessful, of course, which was not surprising considering that Syaoran took after his mother's stubbornness. Meiling was just lucky that she was related to Yelan, was considered as an extension of her immediate family, or else she was sure she would have been punished for such insolence.

Yelan sighed, gracefully brushing a long strand of black hair from her pale face. She saw Meiling's persistence and was not in the least bit annoyed by it, despite the many times Meiling had disrupted her during important affairs, such as now when she was late in meeting with the Elders. Yelan could see that her niece's persistence was honest, caring, and…the truth.

Yelan knew that it hurt Syaoran to tear him away from Tomoeda, from his new life, from his friends…from Sakura. She knew that the little suburb in Japan had become his true home and it hurt to know that she had a role in tearing her son away from it.

The regal woman almost faltered at the words. "Her son…" After years of raising him as her own, it still felt somewhat odd to call him that, especially since he now knew the truth.

Yelan looked sadly at Meiling's begging eyes and understood her agony. The condition that Syaoran had been in when he had unwillingly returned was…disturbing. Dark circles held their place under his young, usually vibrant amber eyes. His whole face had taken into an unhealthy pallid color and his expression had hardened into a cold, almost constant look of agony and shock. However, his physical appearance was the least thing that had bothered Yelan. It was his personality. And obviously it was bothering his quick-tempered but caring cousin just as much.

The two were silent for a minute as they stared at each other, a pair of crimson eyes full of confusion and a pair of ebony eyes full of anguish. Meiling tore her furious gaze away, focusing on a spot on the polished marble floor instead. Something was off. Something about this whole thing was wrong. She was being kept in the shadows about something important. She knew that Yelan would never want to hurt any of her children this way. Although the woman had somewhat tolerated the Elders' harsh physical training with Syaoran, she had always fought to keep him as emotionally humane as possible. As much as the Elders had wanted to turn him into a hardened, unemotional leader, Yelan had always been the one to stop them short.

Meiling had always seen an obvious friction between Yelan and the Elders. Yelan had always been there to hinder their more outrageous, extreme plans for Syaoran. Yet Yelan had always had an internal struggle as well, as if she was fighting between duty and love.

But this…taking Syaoran away from Sakura…was unacceptable.

"Auntie…" Meiling whispered quietly and slowly, her voice full of grief. Her palms had shaped into angry fists at her sides and she was shaking with such intensity that it made Yelan feel even more helpless. "Xiao Lang…he's…he's back to the way he was before he met her…even worse. Can't you see that this is hurting him? Can't you see that Sakura was the best thing that ever happened to him?"

Yes, Yelan knew that. She knew that more than anyone. She had noticed the way her son's eyes had sparkled as soon as anyone mentioned the Card Mistress's name. She had noticed the way he seemed to glow with pride and determination as he asked for his family's blessing to marry her.

And Yelan had denied him. She had denied him the only thing he has ever wanted in his selfless life.

"Meiling…" the woman said, heaving a sigh. "You don't understand…"

"Then make me understand!" Meiling yelled angrily, glaring at her aunt once again. Yelan inwardly winced, remembering how her son had basically said the same words a month ago. "Tell me why you're doing this to him! Tell me why–"

"Enough, Meiling!"

The two women looked towards the source of the angry growl. Unknowingly to them, Syaoran had entered his mother's study, hearing the raised voices. Meiling fell silent and simply stood there trembling as Yelan looked over her son sadly.

The dull but livid emotion of his eyes, the constant frown tugging at his lips, the steady cold glare…

...This was who she had reduced her son to be. Who she had forced him to be.

"Xiao Lang," Meiling said desperately, "Why don't you overrule her? Overrule the Elders? You're leader of the clan! You–"

"I said, enough!" A deep growl was present in his throat as his eyes dangerously flashed at her. "You don't understand the situation!"

But Meiling stubbornly and frantically tried to make him see. She didn't care what the situation was. All she knew was that she had to open his eyes. "Regardless of the situation, Syaoran, this isn't you! Look at you! Being torn away from Japan made you like this! Being forced to leave Sakura–"

His body started to tremble at the name. His teeth clenched and his whole face tightened in fury. "Meiling," he snapped through clenched teeth. "The Card Mistress has nothing to do with this!"

The Card Mistress? Since when had he started calling Sakura that! "Sakura has a name!" she retorted angrily. "And she has everything to do with this! You love her, Syaoran! How could you let them tear you two apart! And she's probably just as much of a wreck as you are! How could you hurt her like this!"

There was a tense silence as he evidently tried to control his breathing. He was beyond livid now. Meiling had said the wrong words. She had said too much…

"Li Meiling," he said, his tone dark and threatening. "I don't want to see you in this house again."

His cousin looked at him incredulously. She was…banned? From her cousin's home? Basically her home? The house that had taken her in when her parents had died? The place where she and Syaoran had spent endless days together as children? He was kicking her out? The thought of where she would stay was the last thing on her mind. The only thing she saw was Syaoran's eyes. They were full of hatred. Full of bitterness. Meiling stood there dumbly, trying to comprehend his words.

Yelan intervened. "Xiao Lang, this isn't–"

But he ignored his mother and stepped a threatening step towards his cousin, his friend. "Get out."

He had never ever treated her this way. He had never looked at her with such a fury. He had never looked at her with such hate. She was in shock. "B-But…Syaoran…"

His eyes darkened even more. "You useless, magic-less excuse for a Li," he spat dangerously. "I said get out of my house!"

Ruby eyes widening, Meiling felt as if she'd been slapped. He would stoop so low…that he would be willing to hit her where she was most vulnerable? He knew how worthless she had always felt, being in such a prominent family full of talented magicians. She had always felt like the black sheep, the one nobody wanted. She had no ounce of magic in her, although her parents had at least some magic flowing through their veins when they had been alive. Meiling was certain that they had died of shame from the magic-less offspring they had produced.

Her sight blurred as tears sprung to her eyes. Then she took off running from her home, feeling just as useless as Syaoran announced her to be.

Yelan took a moment to glare at her son quickly before heading off to catch up with her niece. She had never expected Xiao Lang to be that cruel to the one childhood friend he had while he was growing up. She had never expected him to be so coldhearted. Was this the price the Li leader had to pay? Was he doomed for a lifetime of bitterness?

A pair of dark brown eyes glared angrily at the air as he stomped down the stairs, a tray of food in his hands. He gripped onto the tray so tightly that the bowl of soup and cup of water had started to shake, threatening to spill their contents all over the floor. But he didn't seem to notice at all. Reaching the kitchen, he smashed the tray down onto the counter, the cup of water finally falling over and wetting the tray in response. His tall body slumped as he stared hard into the cold, untouched soup.

Damn him. Damn that brat. He had been trusted. He had been trusted to protect something very important…Sakura's heart. That was all that Touya had demanded of him.

And that Li brat still couldn't do it.

Touya's eyes narrowed as he thought of his little sister upstairs. "Li Syaoran," he muttered under his breath through gritted teeth, "I'm going to–"

"Stop, Touya-kun."

He whipped around at the familiar voice and looked angrily at the gentle, sad eyes of his father. His father had left from his business trip immediately as soon as Tomoyo had called about Sakura's condition. Touya, too, had cut his trip to England short when he had heard. Even Yukito was now planning to leave England soon, both he and his other self worried about Sakura.

"She's not eating, Otou-san!" he responded angrily. "She's not leaving her bed! She's not talking to us! She's not even talking to Daidouji or Hiiragawal!" He looked down at the floor in defeat. It wasn't that he was angry that his little sister was no longer talking to him or eating regularly. The unspoken fact was ringing in his mind. Sakura wasn't Sakura anymore.

No clumsy tripping over her own feet. No more waking up late screams. No more cheerful hums as she did chores. No more signature "hoeee"s.

It was as if Sakura had disappeared altogether. As if she had become a lifeless doll who simply stayed in bed for days. He had barely heard her say a word since he had come home. All he knew was that Li Syaoran was responsible for this. He had torn her apart to the ravaged pieces she was now.

When Touya got a hold of that Chinese brat, he was going to–

"Touya-kun," Fujitaka warned as he saw his son grip onto the counter so hard that his veins throbbed in fury. "We don't…we don't know for sure what happened–"

"Otou-san!" Touya looked at his father in disbelief. "He hurt her! What else do we need to know!"

Fujitaka looked down in agony and Touya noticed that deep circles had formed under his father's eyes. His father hadn't slept for days. He hadn't showed up at work for the past three weeks. He hadn't shaved or properly cleaned himself up anymore. He was a haggard shadow of the cheerful, gentle Kinomoto Fujitaka that had never faltered in working hard and appearing strong for his family. And yet, he was still sticking up for the brat. Sometimes his father's understanding ways irked Touya to the fullest.

"Sakura-san…Sakura-san is strong," Fujitaka said, trying to say it confidently in order to convince even himself. "We'll help her get through this whether or not Li Syaoran had a part in all of this."

But Touya was still growling in protest. "Otou-san…"

"Syaoran-kun had a huge part in her life, Touya," his father objected, sounding final. "He was a good man. And he cared about her. Anyone, even an overprotective brother, can see that." Touya looked away sharply as Fujitaka continued. "That's why…I can't bring myself to blame Syaoran-kun, as much as I would want to. Besides, you know as well as I do that no matter what he did, your sister would never forgive us if we blame or hurt Syaoran-kun. Let's focus on getting her better. It's the most important thing right now."

His son had opened his mouth to argue but was interrupted by the sudden ring of the doorbell. Fujitaka ran a hand through his honey-brown hair and pushed his glasses back up his nose again before leaving Touya to simmer alone in the kitchen as he went to answer the door.

He already had an idea to who it would be as he reached down to turn the handle, but he still smiled down kindly at the visitor as he opened the door. "Tomoyo-san, welcome." He looked behind her expectantly to find her usual companion, but he did not see the English boy. "Where's Hiiragazawa-kun?"

As she entered gratefully, she gave a small smile. "Eriol's taking some extra time to try to get in touch with Syaoran-kun again…or even his sisters, Meiling-chan, or his mother for that matter."

"Have you two been able to contact him?" the fatigued father asked hopefully.

She heaved a sigh after looking at him sadly. Fujitaka knew the answer. It was always the same answer. It was as if the Lis had vanished from existence.

Not wanting to continue to look at Sakura's father's downcast expression, Tomoyo held up a container. "I've brought some cake. I was planning on giving you and Touya-san some after I offer some to Sakura-chan."

Fujitaka nodded fervently, silently hoping that Sakura would brighten a little after seeing Tomoyo's face.

Tomoyo swallowed. "Is she…?"

The man in front of her only shook his head at the unfinished question. The raven-haired teen felt her shoulders sag in despair at the news. Sakura was still not better. After three weeks. After everything everyone was trying to do for her.

All their efforts were amounting to nothing.

Excusing herself, Tomoyo trudged up the dark stairs as she's done every night now for the past three weeks. Usually she'd have Eriol at her side, which gave her at least some courage to face the distraught face of her best friend. But today, she was alone, armed with nothing but her own weakness.

Every time Tomoyo had tried to brace herself before seeing Sakura, she found her heart aching even more than before. Nothing could prepare her for what she would see, even though it would always be the same thing. Tonight was no different. As she took a deep breath and entered the dark room – Sakura had refused to turn on the lights anymore – Tomoyo spotted a rumpled form underneath the sheets on the pink bed. The usually vibrant young girl was listlessly laying on her side staring into the wall, as always.

The sight pained her and she wanted desperately to tear her amethyst gaze away. But this was her best friend. And no matter how much it pained her to see her this way, she wanted to help...even if just being by her side was all she could do.

Gingerly, Tomoyo pulled the chair from Sakura's desk closer to the bed as she opened the container of cake. Expectedly, a muffled sound from under Sakura's sheets was heard. Soon, a round head popped up and looked up at Tomoyo gratefully.

"Tomoyo! I'm so glad you're here," Kero said, smelling the cake. However, for some reason sweets hadn't given him the usual buzz as they had before. Suddenly nothing seemed too appealing to him. Not when his mistress was like this.

"Kero-chan," Tomoyo said gently, giving him a piece of the confetti cake. "How is she?"

Despite being handed the cake, Kero sighed and simply looked over the delectable treat sadly. "The same…"

Tomoyo face deepened in a worried frown as she looked over to her best friend. "Sakura-chan? I'm here, Sakura-chan."

"And she brought cake, Sakura! Isn't that great!" Kero said, feigning some of his usual enthusiasm.

Sakura only sighed and buried her honey-brown hair under the covers.

Kero looked at Tomoyo anxiously as she pulled back the covers from over Sakura's head. "You're going to suffocate yourself that way, Sakura-chan," Tomoyo tried to joke.

Sakura roughly pulled at the covers again. "Good."

Her two friends looked dejectedly at each other. Tomoyo tried another approach. "You know, Eriol and I worked really hard on this cake. I'm sure you'd hurt his feelings if you didn't have some."

Sakura's figure under the covers didn't budge. It didn't even make a sound.

"Yeah," Kero said lightly. "You better hurry before I eat it all too!"

Silence.

Tomoyo sighed. "Sakura-chan…"

"Just…Just leave me alone!" a muffled voice groaned from under the covers.

"But Sakura," Kero urged, "you have to eat something. Please?"

"No! Please, just leave me alone!"

A silence ensued, leaving an unwanted atmosphere of apprehension between the Card Mistress's best friend and her guardian. Kero was getting sick of this. Sick of Sakura's uncharacteristic cruelty towards her friends and family. Sick of the constant worry that he felt. Sick of the hatred that he felt towards a certain Li magician.

"Damn it, Sakura," he whispered. "What did that brat do to you?"

At the mention of Syaoran, she had evidently tensed under her bed sheets and had started gripping onto them. Tomoyo looked at Kero with a frown. He only crossed his arms in response. It had been a rhetorical question, one that he didn't expect her to answer, after all.

"He didn't do anything…" Her friend and guardian both looked up in surprise at her answer. Actually they were surprised that she had even answered at all. However, they remained silent as Sakura continued. "He was…I was…I don't know what had happened. I had thought that…but then..."

Tomoyo shook her head slowly at Sakura's scattered words, hoping that she would finally start talking about happened that night on Syaoran's birthday. Tomoyo had her own theories why Sakura had come home late that night, tear streaked and shaken. However, every mention of Syaoran seemed to make her clam up or explode, discouraging Sakura's loved ones from even mentioning him. But now maybe she was ready to talk. Hopefully she was ready to talk.

"Sakura-chan...when Eriol and I visited Syaoran-kun that one day," Tomoyo started slowly, wincing as she saw that Sakura flinched at the sound of his name, "something was different about him. He…He wasn't himself. It seemed that it pained him to be so hurtful. I could see in his eyes that he was lying when he tried to reject us."

"Or maybe he's just a jerk," Kero muttered under his breath.

Ignoring the guardian and hearing Sakura's silence, Tomoyo continued, narrowing her own eyes in trying to fully understand the strange, heart wrenching emotion that she had seen Syaoran hold in his eyes. "I felt like he was hiding something. That he felt like all of this was necessary. That – even if it killed him – things would be better this way," she said quietly. "After all, Syaoran-kun would never want to hurt you. That much, I'm sure of."

Yes, this is what she had concluded. Something was bothering Li Syaoran. It was something that he didn't want to reveal, something that he was ashamed or possibly scared of. What else could explain his baffling actions? What in the world had caused him to think that hurting Sakura was for the best?

And those agonized amber eyes. They were so full of grief. As if every second that he knew he was hurting his friends and Sakura literally tore at his heart.

She had tried to explain this to Eriol. But he was beyond rational explanations. He wanted to tear Syaoran's head off and make him suffer for making Sakura like this. The same seemed to be applied to Kero and Touya as well.

Tomoyo couldn't blame them. After all, in the beginning, she had felt the same way. But then those amber eyes haunted her almost every night. It was as if something was pulling at her, trying to make her see the truth. Of course, she was still angry that he would have the audacity to treat Sakura like this. But she also knew how kindhearted Syaoran was. And most importantly, she knew how much he loved Sakura.

"Tomoyo-chan…" a weak voice said. Tomoyo looked up expectantly, hoping with all her heart that Sakura would finally show her face and want to start talking about things. "Do you think I can be alone?"

Tomoyo's hopes immediately fell. However, she gave a fake smile, trying to mask her disappointment. "Okay, Sakura-chan. I'll leave the cake for you and Kero-chan. When you're done, let your father know because I promised him some as well."

As she expected, Tomoyo didn't get a response. She left the container on Sakura's nearby desk giving Kero a short nod of goodbye. Soon, she was closing the bedroom door behind her, feeling the most hopeful she'd ever felt in the past month, which doesn't say much because she was still mostly hopeless. But, she and Sakura had been able to talk – well, Tomoyo had been able to talk – without Sakura bursting into tears or exploding in a heap of anger. It wasn't much, but it was something.

Tomoyo sighed as she headed down the stairs, hoping that Eriol had been able to contact the elusive Lis.

Syaoran was still shaking by the time his mother and Meiling had left the room. His eyes were still alight with anger. But if only they had known just whom he was really angry at…

"How could you hurt her like this!"

Meiling's words had cut him deeply. He had exploded, not at her…but at himself. Her words had been right, after all. Her words had been his exact thoughts for the past month.

He hated himself. He hated what he had done. And he hated himself even more for running away, praying with all his heart that she wasn't preg–…wasn't fated to die. But the possibility of seeing her face again and addressing what had happened between them was frightening…she would hate him if she knew the truth.

He left his mother's study in a hurry, slamming the door and hearing nothing but his fast paced footsteps along the hallway floors. He passed butlers and maids, including a very concerned Wei carrying a tray of Chinese tea intended for him, on his way to the only safe haven he had: his room. He rushed in and slammed the door behind him before Wei could disturb him with a tea break.

He noticed absentmindedly that it was dusk outside. The sun was streaking purple light across the sky. Leaving the room dim, he sat down on the edge of his king sized featherbed, staring at the oversized window that the purple light was entering through. It was the end of another day. Another day of running away like a coward. Another day of the life he had been destined to live.

Tutored by scholars, doted upon by maids and butlers, trained by only the best martial artists and sorcerers, served food of the finest cuisine. This was the life of the Li leader. But none of it mattered. Not without her.

And now that another meaningless day was ending, he was frightful again. After all, every night when sleep graciously offered to take him, he'd close his eyes for only a minute and picture it all over again. The way her swollen, luscious lips looked. The smoothness of her skin against his. The way her skin seemed to burn into his calloused hands. The way their bodies had melted perfectly into each other, as if they already knew they were meant to be. The sound of her pleasured groans. Then there was her face. Her emerald eyes shimmering with passion. Her mouth parted slightly as if anticipating his lips. Her expression of pure willingness and affection.

The image was followed by the remembrance of the surge of pleasure that had racked his body. The pleasure of finally being one with her. The pleasure of knowing that she had wanted him just as much he wanted – needed – her. It was unexplainable. It had felt as if his body and soul had suddenly been satisfied beyond what they even deserved.

But then came the unmistakable realization. The shame of having her even while knowing what would happen if he, a Li clan leader, would root himself in her. The future he had always pictured with her would disappear before his eyes. Because of his shameful, uncontrollable need for her – love for her – he had resigned her to her death.

He remembered vividly what had happened after he had cruelly dismissed her from his apartment that night. It had been the last thing he wanted to do, of course. He had selfishly wanted her to stay with him. He had the flittering notion that he could tell her everything and maybe somehow she would understand. Maybe she would understand that he had loved her so much that he didn't care about the curse. Maybe she would understand that he just wanted to be with her.

But the shame sunk in suddenly and had sieved itself into every cell of his body. Even Sakura would have thought that he was some sick excuse of a man who simply wanted sex so much that he didn't consider the fact that she might actually die because of his advances on her. Even she would have thought that he was a sadistic, selfish jerk.

And then came the pain from the most important fact…

…If she were to get pregnant with a boy, she would die.

The thought jerked his body, keeping it on edge, as if it felt some urge to suddenly protect her. He let out a grunt of the irony of that thought. How could he even think that he could protect her when he had basically given her a death sentence in the first place?

He had ran after that night. He had to leave, thinking that maybe being as far as he possibly can from her will make the shame less evident. Of course, it had the opposite effect. Now, more than ever, he felt like the lowest possible scum of the earth. He had left her with no explanation or forewarning of what would happen to her. He had left her to possibly die…by herself.

The thought made him shiver.

The most sickening part of it all was that he…didn't regret his actions. He didn't regret caressing her body or kissing her skin or even invading her or taking her virginity. The action of making love to her had been the one thing in his entire life that he had never felt so sure about. The way their bodies had moved that night…had been right. He knew that.

It had been the best birthday gift he could have ever gotten.

And it sickened him that he thought that way. How disgusting and monstrous could he be? To hate the consequences of his actions…but to not regret what had led up to those consequences…

…he was sick.

He willed himself to have strength to tell her the truth. He couldn't resign her to her death without warning. However, he was still clinging on to the hope that maybe…maybe she hadn't gotten pregnant. That happened right? After all, women who have been trying to get pregnant don't get pregnant for years. And besides, even if she was, there was still a fifty-fifty chance that it could be a girl. And girls wouldn't hurt her. After all, Syaoran had four older sisters.

His stomach churned as he realized what he was doing. He was banking on Sakura's safety on statistics and numbers. He was treating her possible pregnancy, whether it would be a boy or a girl, as if it was nothing.

He buried his head into his hands. He was a lot sicker than he thought.

Suddenly, a sudden urge to become unconscious for even a few minutes overcame him. He had to sleep. He hadn't slept for the past two days. His body had worried over this for too long.

Unknowingly, he lay down, noticing briefly that the purple skies had disappeared and had left a velvet black sky in its place. Night time was always a fear for him now. The possibility of falling asleep was frightening. Once he would close his eyes, hopeful for just one minute of peace, that night would replay in his mind again.

The pleasure. The realization. The shame. The disgust.

He swallowed deeply as he hesitantly closed his heavy eyes, waiting for the images to torture him.

Two pink lines. Two pink solid lines.

Again.

How many times has she seen these lines? How many times had she convinced herself that she was getting false positives?

Sakura swallowed, trying to dampen her dry throat. She was shaking, just as the other numerous times she had held the stick in her hand waiting anxiously for the result. And just like the other times, she had stared up to look at herself in the mirror above the sink after staring at the test for what seemed like hours.

The bloodshot, dull green eyes from not sleeping. The gangly brown hair trying desperately to cover her dark face. The expression of forlorn.

No wonder he left her. No wonder he didn't love her. No wonder he had looked at her with so much hate that night.

But it didn't match up. She didn't understand how he could hate her so much…when that night he had touched her and treated her like she was the most valuable treasure of the world. She still remembered pushing him on that night, feeling as if being intimate with him was the only thing she had ever wanted that badly. She remembered his fervent kisses and the way his hand ran along her curves, giving her chills. The way he had tasted her as if he wanted nothing else in the world. The deep whimpers of pleasure in his throat. The way he had even thought of stopping himself when the pain she felt as he continued to first enter her had starting to peak.

She had no doubt in her mind that he had loved her with all his heart that night and that hurting her was the last thing on his mind.

But then why?

She stared at the pink lines and then slowly brought her fingers to touch her flat belly. It was the first time that she had even considered the possibility that she was…pregnant. But after so many tests, there couldn't be another conclusion. Besides…this was all that was left of him now.

Eighteen, not married, and pregnant. Without the father.

She felt a sob start to creep its way up her throat but she stifled it, not wanting to alert the men in her house. She didn't even want to think what her father, brother, and guardian would all think of this. They – for the most part – hated Syaoran. If they knew that they had…that she was…

This wasn't fair to Syaoran. Not knowing that she was carrying his child wasn't fair. He had a right to know. Whether or not he had wanted to see her made no difference. She couldn't live on while keeping this secret from him. Besides…she still loved him, missed him. Every second without him made her ache. Her pain wasn't only because she was hurt at his cruel words that night, although that is part of the reason. But being away from him made her feel…empty. Furthermore, Tomoyo's recent words rang in her head. It would explain his sudden changes. It would explain that suspicious look of longing in his eye as he yelled at her.

She was scared of his reaction, yes. His words that night had cut her deeper than he ever knew. The hate in his tone and the shame…

She shuddered, remembering his paling face from that night. But not even that could stop her determination now. Any other night before this would have made her buckle down under her emotions. But now…now…

After finally accepting the realization that she was…in her current condition, she knew she had to see him and tell him. Syaoran deserved that. And if he didn't want any part of her, of them, then fine. It would hurt her and tear at her soul but she would let him go if he really wanted that. She would just continue to live on with the baby inside of her…holding on to the last bit of remembrance she had of her one true love.