Authors Note: First off; Kate and Castle are not in this chapter but they will be back. Secondly, as always, thanks for your reviews.
Chapter 4- Push
"You push me when all I wanna do is cry; you push me when it's hard for me to try, you push me, only you and no one else" – Madonna
The next morning, without media presence outside their home and no mention of their names in the news; Jim crept stealthily into their bedroom, an agenda in mind as he approached the bed. He smiled as he studied his wife; she looked comfy and cozy and clearly had every intention of sleeping in. He was sorry to disabuse her of that notion...but not sorry enough to dissuade him from his plan. He carefully perched on the edge of the bed and brushed her hair back from her face.
"Jo," Jim said quietly; his knuckles brushing her cheek gently. She didn't stir or give any indication that she was aware of his presence. "Johanna," he said again; a little louder this time as he gave her shoulder a shake. She shrugged as if she was merely brushing off whatever had dared to disturb her rest and continued to sleep. Her husband smirked at her. She never had been a morning person; and he figured she wasn't going to be pleased with being dragged from the warmth of their bed; especially now that autumn had set in. His wife was a woman who needed constant warmth when summer waned; and that thought had him pulling the covers from her body. That would wake her up, he thought with a smile. She'd be cold within seconds; all he had to do was wait.
Sure enough, within minutes Johanna rolled towards his side of the bed; her hand searching for him. Jim slipped his hand beneath the hem of her pajama top and allowed it to move over her skin in a soft caress. "Not now, Jim," she mumbled sleepily. "Maybe later."
He chuckled quietly. "That wasn't what I was going for."
"I know; you were aiming for now but I'm sleepy...and cold...come back to bed," she said as she captured his hand and tugged at it.
"I can't."
"Why not?"
"Because you need to get up."
"Why?" she asked as she finally cracked an eye open.
"Because I made breakfast for you," Jim told her.
The statement had her opening both eyes; her brow arching as she regarded him. "You made me breakfast?"
"Yeah," he smiled.
She thought about it for a moment; her mind working through a list of dates. "It's not a birthday, anniversary or holiday."
"So?"
"So what did you do?" his wife asked.
"Do?"
"Yeah; what did you do that I'm going to find out about and not like?"
"Nothing," he replied.
She continued to eye him with suspicion. "What's in the news that you want to distract me from?"
"Absolutely nothing; your name wasn't mentioned even once, neither was mine or Katie's."
"Is this part of some ploy for morning sex?"
Jim laughed. "No; but if you want a ploy for sex I can think of one for later."
"We'll see how the morning goes first," she quipped.
"You're so suspicious, sweetheart."
"Probably with good reason. Let's see, it's not a special occasion, you haven't done anything, it's not about sex and you're not trying to shield me from the news...that only leaves one thing."
"What's that?" he asked.
"What are you going to do that you know I'm not going to like and therefore are sucking up for in advance?"
She was good, he thought as he graciously pulled the covers back up over her legs, before slipping his hand back under her shirt; his fingertips moving softly against the flat expanse of her stomach. "It's nothing bad," he promised.
"Uh huh; what is it?"
"You need to get up."
"Why?"
"So we can eat breakfast...and get ready to go out for awhile."
"Go out?" she repeated; frowning in response. "I don't want to go out, Jim."
"I know but we're going to go anyway."
"We just finally got some peace from the media and you want to drag me out in public and get it started all over again?"
"No; I'm dragging you out in public because we have the peace to go right now and we need to take the opportunity that we have. Now come on, let's get moving."
"Jim," she breathed.
"It'll be alright," he told her.
"I don't think I want to do this today."
"Sure you do," he stated. "I'm going to take you to Macy's. I have a nice shiny credit card that's hardly been used that's just waiting for you to have some fun with it."
"You're going to take me shopping?" Johanna asked incredulously.
"Yes I am."
"You hate shopping."
"I don't mind it so much with you."
She studied him intently. "Are you sure you didn't do something that I'm going to be mad about?"
"You mean besides dragging you out of bed and forcing you out in public?"
"Yeah."
"Not that I know of," he remarked. "But you're not getting out of this, Jo; so you may as well get up. I'm keeping breakfast warm but it's not going to keep forever."
"Can't we come to some type of deal about this?"
"No deals," Jim stated.
Her eyes narrowed as she sat up. "Fine; then I won't be accepting any ploys for sex later."
Her husband nodded. "You win some, you lose some."
"And some people seem to lose all the time," Johanna muttered as she got out of bed.
"You're not losing; you're getting my credit card. I figured that was decent compensation for springing this on you."
"I hope it has a high limit," she replied; tossing him a sassy smirk over her shoulder as she headed for the bedroom door.
Jim laughed at her retreating back. "I think the credit limit will be suitable for your form of revenge."
"I guess we'll see about that," she called out from the hallway.
As they wandered through their second department store of their outing, Jim felt like Johanna was beginning to relax a little. The trip to Macy's had gone well, they hadn't run into anyone they knew and they hadn't been followed. She had left her favorite store with several shopping bags stuffed with sweaters and leggings; a new winter coat and a pair of boots she just couldn't live without. He was happy to indulge her shoe fetish, but she had coerced him into a new winter coat for himself as well. He didn't really feel like he needed one; the one he'd been wearing for the last fifteen years suited him just fine; but then she had given him that raised brow don't argue with me look as she insisted that it was time for something new, and he had given in. He knew better than to argue too much; and when he thought about it, he realized that she coerced him into buying that coat he had been wearing for all of these years.
Jim smiled; it was just one more sign that they were settling comfortably back into their marriage. He cherished those little signs; the feeling that normalcy had been restored to his life in so many ways after such a long absence. She'd been back for five months, and at home with him for a little over a month and there was still a part of him that was in awe when he woke up beside her every morning. As she paused at a table of discounted jarred candles, he couldn't resist the urge to rub his hand against the small of her back. She glanced at him and smiled and then turned her attention back to the selection of candles; picking one up to breath in its scent.
As Johanna continued to sort through the candles; Jim's eyes scanned the store; on alert for any unwanted attention. So far so good, he thought, until his gaze landed on a figure some distance away. It had been a long time since he had seen Colleen McKenzie Weston, but he knew without a doubt that it was her, despite the highlights in her brown hair and a few extra pounds he didn't recall her having before. Her icy gaze was planted on her sister's back as she remained rooted in place. "Please let her walk away," he silently pleaded. "Please don't let her come over here." If Colleen came up to them and made a scene, he'd never get Johanna out of the house again. Colleen's gaze darted to his and he gave her a look of warning; silently daring her to spew her hatefulness there. She smirked and shook her head; turning on her heel and stalking back to the front of the store.
Jim hadn't realized that he had tensed and increased the pressure of his hand on Johanna's back until he heard her asking "What's wrong, Jim?"
"Nothing," he replied; relaxing his posture and focusing his attention back on her.
"Is someone here? Were we followed?" she questioned; agitation coloring her tone.
"No," he said; shaking his head. "Everything's fine."
"You tensed," she stated as she eyed him. "Who did you see?"
"No one."
"Jim, who's here?"
"No one, sweetheart; I thought I saw someone but I was wrong."
"Who did you think it was?"
He suppressed a weighted breath; he had to watch how he reacted to spotting things; she knew the second his demeanor changed and went on alert in regard to it. "I thought I saw Charles Patterson," he lied. "I was afraid he might try to steal you away."
Johanna frowned; not believing him for a second. "Was it Sharon?" she asked softly; figuring her former best friend had spotted her and fled to avoid a second awkward encounter.
"No; I swear it wasn't."
She believed that and she was tempted to press him about who he had really seen but then she figured she was probably better off not knowing for the moment.
"Have you found anything you like?" Jim asked with a nod at the candles.
She gave a small smile. "I like this one," she told him; holding out a crystal like jar that contained a pink candle for him to sniff.
"It's no wonder," he said with a quiet laugh. "It's strawberry; that's your favorite scent."
She laughed softly. "Do you mind if I get a candle warmer and this candle for the house."
"Honey, you can get whatever you want for the house, just like you always did. You don't have to ask my permission."
"I just don't want to do something you don't like or want."
"Johanna; you're not a guest, you're my wife. It's your home, you're the queen, you do as you please like you have from the day we moved in. Just because you had to be away for awhile doesn't change that. Now get a few of those strawberry candles if they have more than one; get as many scents as you want and if you want more than one candle warmer get it, okay?"
"Okay," she replied; handing him the shopping basket she had picked up when they entered the store; "Hold this so I can load it up."
"That's what I'm here for," he chuckled.
Johanna grinned at him. "I thought you were here to be my bodyguard."
"That too," he responded. "I'm a man of many talents."
"I know," she said with a wink.
Jim slid his free hand along her side. "That wink could be misconstrued as being open to certain ploys later."
"Or it could just be wishful thinking on your part," his wife responded as she placed a few candles in the basket.
He laughed as he pressed a kiss against her temple. "I guess we'll see."
Johanna's eyes gleamed with amusement. "I guess we will."
Later that day, Johanna scooped up the last bite of her salad and then washed it down with the rest of her soda. She thought of the shopping bags in the trunk of the car and the fact that they were now finishing up lunch and she felt confident that Jim would take her home now…or at least she was hoping that was the plan.
"Are we going home now?" she asked as she caught his eye; a small smile on her lips and that hopefulness shining brightly in her eyes.
Jim hated to squash her hopes; he knew she was antsy to get back to the house now but he felt like if he gave in and went against the plan he had formed, he wouldn't be doing her any favors. "No," he answered; a touch of gentleness in his tone as he held her gaze.
"No?" she repeated; the light in her eyes dimming as her teeth worried her bottom lip.
He shook his head. "We still have things to do."
"Like what? We went shopping, we had lunch. Let's go home now."
"No; not yet. I need to go pick up a few files for that case I'm working on."
"And then we'll go home?"
Jim smiled patiently. "No; I figure after that we'll go for a walk in the park like we used to do. That was on your dream list and the weather is still warm enough. The leaves have turned colors…you always like that, don't you?"
"Yeah," she replied reluctantly. "What are we going to do after that?"
"Oh we'll find something to do…there's no need to hurry back."
Johanna lowered her head and her foot tapped against the floor in a nervous rhythm. She didn't like feeling this way and she knew that Jim was trying to help her by keeping them out of the house but that little knot of anxiety remained in her chest. It felt foolish...it was foolish; but she couldn't help feeling it. She was okay for the most part with short outings; she could even relax once she concentrated on shopping or eating or their conversations. When her mind was unoccupied, those whispers of need to go home before something kept her from getting there would echo through her mind, making that knot tighten until they were on their way back home.
There was also that feeling of being exposed to the world. Everywhere she went she wondered who might be watching them or talking about them. She was always on alert; her eyes always searching for a camera that would denote the presence of the media; which would only increase her need to flee. This wasn't easy. She tried so hard to shove her fears and insecurities into a box in the back of her mind but they always crawled back out. She just felt better at home; and she knew that was a problem. She wanted to overcome it; wanted to be normal again...but on the other hand, she didn't want to fight her need for security. They had been out all morning. She just wanted to go home...but apparently her husband was putting his foot down with her today. There were times when that was attractive...this wasn't one of those days, as she found herself slightly irritated with his insistence that they keep finding things to do.
"Shouldn't we save something for another day?" she asked.
"I don't think so. I'll be working for the next few days and besides, this is New York City; we're not going to run out of things to do and places to go."
"A lot of those places are theaters and you swore them off long ago," Johanna commented.
He smiled. "Sweetheart, don't pick a fight; it isn't going to get us anywhere."
She sighed. "But I have things to do at home."
"Like what? The house couldn't be any cleaner; and we have plenty of baked goods."
"I have laundry to do," she replied firmly.
"We're not in danger of going without clean clothes. It can wait until tomorrow."
A flicker of temper sparkled in her eyes. "I could just go hail a cab and go home by myself."
He nodded as he rested his elbows on the table and interlocked his fingers; a practice she had seen him do hundreds of times at his desk and it usually indicated that he meant business. "You could do that; but you won't," he remarked.
Her brow rose as she eyed him with equal stubbornness. "And why is that?"
"Because I think you know that if you do that, that you and I are going to have a fight once I catch up with you at home. I don't think you want that. I know I don't want to fight with you tonight, Johanna. There are better ways to spend our time. I promise you that the house is still going to be there when we get back...but we're not going home yet. Now if you want something else to eat or another drink; we'll sit here for awhile longer, but afterwards, we're going to go do something else. Now what's it going to be? Are we staying here for awhile or are we going on?"
Johanna propped her elbow on the table and allowed her chin to drop into her hand as she tuned her head away from her husband. She felt like such a child and she closed her eyes for a moment as she took a few breaths to steady and calm herself. Jim studied her as she sorted through her internal monologue. He had prepared himself for the possibility that she might get angry with him when he denied her requests to go home...but being prepared for it didn't make it any easier. He didn't want to be harsh with her; he didn't want to upset her...but how else was he supposed to get her through this? Jim moved his hand across the table and brushed his fingers against her hand.
"You're doing fine, Jo," he said quietly.
A shuddering breath crossed her lips but no tears followed; for which he was grateful. "I'm a mess," she whispered.
He continued to caress her hand. "No you're not, sweetheart. I know this is hard for you, and you feel like you're floundering but you're not. You're doing fine...especially when you let go and stop thinking about it. I know it's not easy for you to do that right now but you have to keep trying. I swear to you that everything is fine. Now do you want something else or do you want to go?"
She shifted in her seat; he was giving her the option of lingering so that she could get her bearings...and she was ashamed to admit that she needed it. "I think I need a piece of cake," she stated.
Jim nodded and gave her an understanding smile. "Cake does sound good. Do you want another soda?"
"Yeah; that would be great." He went off to get their desert and to get her drink and she sank back against the booth. She could do this... she just hoped she wouldn't have to do it for too much longer that day.
Jim had switched the order of their plans after lunch and as he and Johanna walked along one of the quieter paths of the park, she voiced the question that kept nagging at her. "Are you going to tell me who you saw while we were shopping?"
"I told you, it was nothing," he remarked.
"It was something…or rather someone," she replied; unable to get the thought out of her mind. "You said it wasn't Sharon."
"It wasn't."
"Was it one of your friends?"
"No."
"Another former friend of mine?"
"No."
Johanna glanced away, her eyes taking in the blossoming fall foliage. "Someone you know that you don't want me to know that you know?"
Jim couldn't help but laugh. "Try to say that three times fast."
She smiled and squeezed his hand. "I'm serious."
He exhaled a heavy breath. "What are you implying, Jo?"
"Nothing; I was just asking if it was someone you knew that I don't know…which is fine if it was."
"Like who?" he asked. "Some girlfriend I had while you were away?"
The thought made her stomach turn sour. "I don't know…we never really talked about it…not in regard to you that is. Plenty was said about me," she said softly. "But it was just a stupid thought; I didn't have anyone specific in mind."
Jim spotted a bench a few feet away and he stayed quiet as he led her toward it and sat down; pulling her along with him. He knew that she thought something bad was coming as her hands fluttered nervously on her lap as she settled down beside him, her head lowered. He bumped her chin up with his knuckle. "Take those sunglasses off and look at me," he demanded quietly.
Johanna took her sunglasses off with a slightly trembling hand, forcing her gaze to meet his as she silently berated herself for walking down this road.
"I'm sorry that I hurt you, Johanna," he said sincerely, his tone quiet and gentle.
"It's alright," she murmured. "You had a right. I broke your trust in me, I deserved it. It hurt to be accused and it made me angry because I didn't do what you thought…but I guess in hindsight I can't blame you for thinking the worst of me."
"I regret jumping to the wrong conclusions, Jo. I know you'd never be unfaithful to me…especially with that idiot in Wyoming. You have better taste than that…I mean you did pick me after all."
She managed a small smile for him. "That doesn't mean you didn't have a right to think badly of me. I didn't mean to dig this up again, really I didn't. I don't know what made me say what I did; I really didn't mean anything by it. Let's just forget that I said anything."
Jim shook his head. "I don't think we can do that…it's clearly something you wonder about sometimes."
She regretted having that piece of cake for dessert at lunch as her stomach turned even queasier. "I don't want to know, Jim," she said softly. "I wouldn't be angry with you if there was someone else while I was gone. You would've been within your rights to be with someone else; you thought I was gone and that I wasn't coming back. It wouldn't have been cheating…but I don't want to know…it would hurt to know…so if there was someone, don't tell me. Just…don't tell me."
"There wasn't anyone else, Jo," he said as he held her gaze. "I wouldn't let there be anyone else; it would've felt like cheating and I couldn't bear that. I'm not saying that there weren't opportunities…but I didn't take them. I didn't want them. If I couldn't have you I didn't want anyone. No one could measure up to you, no one could replace you, no one could mean anything to me like you do. I learned to live without you, but I never fully accepted it. I never let you go. I learned to deal with it…but I didn't let you go. I honestly believe that some part of my heart knew that you weren't really gone, sweetheart; that's why I couldn't accept it. It never felt right. It always felt like something didn't add up, that something was wrong. There was never anyone else. I wouldn't lie to you about that; I demanded the truth from you and you deserve the truth from me. Neither one of us betrayed the other; we didn't break our vows. We were both faithful just like we always were and we always will be, okay?"
She nodded. "I'm sorry."
He cupped her cheek, his thumb sweeping across her cheek bone. "Don't be; you have every right to ask and know. As for the trust; I keep telling you that I do trust you. You haven't destroyed my faith in you, sweetheart. You came home to me; that shows my faith and trust isn't misplaced."
"I don't know how to stop being this way yet," Johanna whispered. "I seem to be getting worse instead of better."
He shook his head. "No; you're just letting yourself feel things that you haven't allowed yourself to feel for a long time. You've been preoccupied with my feelings and Katie's; you haven't given yours a lot of time to surface. You're doing fine; don't worry."
Johanna released a heavy breath and shifted, moving into his arms for a much needed embrace. Her husband held her tightly for a moment and then pulled back enough to capture her lips in a kiss. "I love you," he told her quietly.
"I love you too…only you."
He smiled. "I know, sweetheart; it's mutual."
She breathed deeply and remained cuddled against his side as they remained on the bench. It was silent between them and she focused her attention on a squirrel across the path who seemed to be gathering his food for the coming winter. She smiled a little as she watched him scamper about, collecting as many acorns as he could find on the ground beneath the trees.
"It was your sister," Jim stated, breaking the silence.
"What?" she asked.
"In the store…I saw Colleen."
She quiet for a moment, digesting the information. Her sister had been mere feet away and they hadn't spoken…she hadn't even caught a glimpse of her. "Did she see you…us?"
"Yeah; she saw us."
"How did she look?"
"In what way?" he asked. "Physically or her expression?"
"Both."
"She's got a few more pounds on her than I remember her having," Jim remarked; "But I'm not saying that in a mean way."
"I know what you mean," she assured. If there was one thing she knew it was that her husband was always cautious in discussing a woman's weight. He never wanted to offend or hurt feelings…and she had a feeling he had learned that lesson after dealing with her and her quest to lose her pregnancy weight.
"She has highlights in her hair."
"Highlights?" she repeated.
Jim nodded. "Blonde."
"Good lord," Johanna muttered as she rolled her eyes. "I wish I had seen that."
He gave a soft chuckle. "It seemed a bit out of place on her…she should stick to just having light brown hair."
"Did she…did she seem like she was going to come up to us?"
Jim entwined his fingers with hers. "No; she didn't make any move to come over to us."
"How did she look…expression wise?"
"Unhappy," he replied; leaving out the icy glare and anger he had seen in Colleen's face. "But in all honesty, I always felt like Colleen looked unhappy more often than not."
She knew that Jim was trying to spare her feelings so she nodded in acceptance of his words. "I wish I had seen her," she murmured. "I wish I could've talked to her."
"She just would've caused a scene, Jo."
"I know…but at least it would've been over with. We're going to run into each other eventually…I'd just rather get the initial hate fest over with."
"Maybe she'll surprise you one day…maybe she'll have some kind of epiphany and get it and come around."
Johanna smiled as she met his gaze. "We are still talking about my sister right? She's not known for getting epiphanies."
"I know…but there's a first time for everything," he laughed.
"That's true…are we ready to go home now?"
"You know we're not," he told her as he gave her hand a squeeze and then pulled her up from the bench with him. "We're going to walk some more…and then we have to make that stop at the office."
"And then we'll go home?" she asked.
"We'll see," Jim replied as they started down the path once more. He had no intentions of taking her home yet…and he knew he'd probably pay for it later.
Jim felt like their long walk in the park had done Johanna some good; she had relaxed and shook off some of her nerves while they walked, she had even found a red leaf that she had taken a fancy to and tucked into her pocket to save as a memento. But now as they neared the law firm, he could feel the tension beginning to fill her again.
"I'll wait in the car," Johanna said as he found a parking spot near the firm.
"No; you're coming in with me," he replied. "You can meet Craig."
"Are you sure that's a good idea?" she asked as she toyed with her seat belt; obviously reluctant to unhook it.
"Why wouldn't it be?"
"Well...I just figure with the way things are right now, maybe it would be best if I kept a low profile...instead of being forced on people."
Jim looked at her, a glimmer of sternness in his eyes. "I'm introducing you to a friend, not forcing you on someone. You have nothing to worry about where Craig is concerned."
"Are you sure? Because I don't want you to have to defend me and I don't want to cause you to lose your friends."
"Johanna, you're my wife; what am I supposed to do, shove you in a closet and pretend you don't exist whenever one of my friends come around?"
"I just thought..."
"Just nothing," he interrupted. "If someone has a problem with me having a second chance with the woman I love, then they were never really my friend, now were they?"
Johanna remained silent; fearing she'd just make things worse as she could hear the undertones of tension in his voice.
"I met your friend Carolyn in Wyoming. I think it's only fair that you meet one of my friends, Jo. I know it's not easy for you; but it wasn't all that easy for me either."
The remark stung but she figured it was only the truth. She nodded and unbuckled her seatbelt. Jim felt a measure of remorse as he watched her; seeing her swallow hard. He had a feeling that he had gone too far with that last remark but he wasn't sure how to fix it. He reached for her hand and held it; giving it a small squeeze of encouragement as he gentled his tone.
"Craig knows I'm bringing you with me; he's looking forward to meeting you," he told her; hoping to put her at ease with the knowledge that he wasn't springing her on his friend out of the blue. "I wouldn't take you to meet someone who I had doubts about what their reaction or reception to you would be."
"I'm fine," she replied as she pulled her hand away from his and reached for the door handle. "I'm ready. Let's go."
Jim sighed as he got out of the car. He felt like he had just undone the slight progress they had made but there didn't seem to be anything to do about it. Leaving her in the car was out of the question and taking her home after his errand didn't sit right. He'd stick to the plan he already had in motion. He was glad though that he had given Craig a heads up about bringing Johanna with him... and that he shouldn't take her quiet demeanor personally. He was especially glad he had added that postscript to his message as he joined his wife on the sidewalk, because he could already see Johanna retreating into her shell. Jim took her hand again and glanced at her; wishing she'd take off her sunglasses so that he could see her eyes and know exactly what was going on in her mind...but she remained hidden and silent as they approached the doors.
"This should be a sentimental trip," Jim commented; "Considering this is where we met."
A small smile touched her lips. "Oh it's sentimental alright."
"I hope so...I know I have a lot of good memories here...all of them involving you," he replied as they got on the elevator. "What about you? Any memories coming back to you yet?"
"Yeah; this is the elevator you held me hostage in."
"I did not hold you hostage," Jim retorted; making her giggle in the process.
"Then what do you call it?"
"A desperate measure; it was the only way you'd talk to me...if you recall, you were being very stubborn that week."
Johanna nodded. "I recall it very well. I wasn't being stubborn...I was just letting you know how it was going to be if you didn't make a commitment to me. You were the stubborn one."
"I see that we have differing viewpoints about the encounter."
"That doesn't surprise me a bit," she quipped. "You're biased to yourself."
Jim laughed. "I guess it really doesn't matter which viewpoint is right...we both know the truth despite our biases and after all, all that matters is that we ended up together."
"That's true," she said fondly as she slipped an arm around his waist.
Jim smiled at her and then gently pulled her sunglass off her face before pressing a soft kiss to her lips. "Let everyone see those pretty eyes of yours, sweetheart," he whispered.
He had taken away a piece of her armor, Johanna thought to herself as she looked at her black ELLE sunglasses that he held in his hand. She took a breath and managed a smile as she plucked them from his hand and slid them into the pocket of her jacket.
"That's my girl," Jim said quietly; his hand rubbing against the small of her back as the elevator doors opened.
"Oh wow," Johanna said as she looked down the long hallway.
"What?"
"There are a lot of memories here," she commented as her mind flashed back to nearly forty years before when she had been fresh out of law school and this place had become her stomping grounds. It was where she had found Jim...it was where they had fallen in love. She had memories here of her friendship with Sharon; and Maggie and Jeff, along with others. She had been here during her pregnancy; and she could still remember feeling Kate's kicks as she worked at her desk; and that one day when she roamed the hallway in search of a colleague who might have a candy bar stashed in their desk that would satisfy one of her cravings. "Thank God for Jeff," she thought to herself; remembering that he had found a Snickers bar in his bottom desk drawer. He made it a point to keep a stash on hand after that, and so had her husband.
Jim paused in front of an office; pulling her from her thoughts. She took a breath and glanced up at him; feeling his gaze upon her. "Are you ready?" he asked. She nodded; but she felt a small bit of anxiety as he led her into the office.
The secretary was away from her desk and Jim moved forward and knocked on the open door of the inner office space. A voice beckoned him to come in and Johanna steeled herself as Jim tugged her along behind him. She stayed quiet as the men greeted each other; subtly studying this friend of Jim's. She pegged him as being in his mid fifties; he looked kind enough...but looks could be deceiving and she was on guard despite her attempts to relax herself. She tensed slightly as Craig's eyes shifted towards her and she clutched Jim's hand in response.
"Craig, this is my wife, Johanna," Jim stated; giving her a warm smile as he looked at her. "Jo; this is Craig Taylor."
"It's nice to meet you, Johanna," Craig said as he extended his hand to her; glimpsing the worry in her eyes as a small smile touched her lips.
"It's nice to meet you too," she replied as she accepted his hand.
"Jim's told me a lot about you," the man stated.
Her gaze slid towards her husband and she managed to keep the smile on her lips. "Well I guess I can only hope that his stories about me aren't the type of wild exaggerations that make up his fishing stories."
Craig chuckled as Jim slid his arm around her waist and pulled her against his side. "Those aren't wild exaggerations," he stated. "They're all true."
"Sure they are."
"I've heard some of those fishing stories," Craig remarked. "I have wondered about some of them."
"If they're about fish the size of the boat; they're a lie," Johanna said; a teasing sparkle lighting up her eyes as she glanced at her husband.
His hand rubbed against her side in a silent "you're doing fine" message. "They're not all lies," Jim remarked. "There was that one big one I managed to keep hold of."
"Which one was that?" she asked.
"You," he grinned.
She laughed and then looked to his friend. "It was the other way around. I caught him...right here in this building."
Craig smiled at her. "Now that's a story I believe." He invited them to sit down, and seeing that Johanna was relaxing, Jim didn't turn down the offer. They had been making small talk for a few minutes when a figure appeared in the doorway.
"Well, well, well; look whose back from the dead," Stanley Carmichael stated as he eyed Johanna.
She tensed immediately as her gaze snapped towards Stanley before darting back to her husband. "I told you I should've stayed in the car. I had a feeling there were still a few jackasses roaming free around here."
"You have your nerve showing your face here," Stanley remarked curtly.
"Well I always thought you had your nerve for showing your face outside of a zoo but you don't hear me complaining," Johanna retorted.
"You always were a bitch. I guess your 'resurrection' hasn't changed that."
"Walk out of here while you're still able, Stanley," Jim stated as he rose from his chair.
"Like I'm really afraid of you," he scoffed.
"You better be; because I don't have anything here to lose anymore that would keep me from hitting you."
"You know, Stanley; that toupee is even worse in person than in that picture Jeff took of it," Johanna remarked; taking his focus off of her husband.
"This is my real hair," he huffed.
"Yeah right," she laughed; "And I'm the Queen of England."
He glared at her. "You must really think you're something now with your name and face all over the news; destroying the career of a good man who did good things for this country."
Johanna smirked as her eyes narrowed at him. "Why am I not surprised that you voted for him? I guess all of you slimy jackasses are cut from the same greasy cloth. If you think murder is a good thing for a country then I guess he was one of the best at excelling at it. Tell me, Stanley; what did Bracken do for you? Did he line your pockets for a few favors somewhere along the way?"
"At least he wasn't trying to get a mobster released from prison."
"He didn't commit the crime he was convicted of," she said through clenched teeth.
"Who cares," Stanley stated snidely.
"I do."
"Well then I guess you don't have anyone but yourself to blame for your troubles, now isn't that right."
"Don't act like all of your clients are fine upstanding citizens with moral characters," Johanna remarked. "Don't even stand there and act like you are; we all know about your dirty little tricks and deals over the years."
Stanley smirked evilly. "But I never pulled a dirty trick like yours, Johanna. No one's been to my funeral yet...I've been to yours though; and I don't appreciate having my time wasted like that."
It was a slap in the face but she took it in stride as she rose from her chair; momentarily blocking Jim as he moved to charge toward the other man. She reached back and caught hold of his hand; squeezing it slightly in silent askance that he let her fight her own battle. He stayed quiet but she could feel his ire as he remained at her back. She pulled her hand away and smiled at her old nemesis. "Don't worry, Stanley; I'll return the favor one day and go to yours...I'll be the one dancing."
"You know you'd think that after having someone try to kill you that you'd mend your ways and curb that smart mouth of yours; but I see you didn't learn a thing from the experience...maybe next time. With the way you are; there's bound to be someone else waiting for a chance."
"Your mouth is going to get you killed in about thirty seconds if you don't shut up and get out of here," Jim said darkly as he eyed the man.
"Yeah, Stanley; get the hell out of here," Craig chimed in.
Stanley apparently wasn't finished yet though. "Don't think you're going to come sniffing around here for a job, Johanna; because I'll never allow you to work here. You never belonged here in the first place and I'm a senior partner now..."
"Stanley, I didn't give a damn who you were forty years ago and I sure as hell don't give a damn who or what you are now," she remarked tartly. "I haven't worked here since my daughter was three; she'll be thirty-three next month, so I assure you that after a thirty year reprieve from looking at your ugly face every day, I have no desire to ever work with you again."
"Good; because you don't belong here. You've never known your place...and apparently neither does your daughter. After all; she is out there trying to do a man's job. But on the other hand, I guess you must be proud that she's also managing to screw a millionaire at the same time."
"You son of a bitch," she exclaimed. "Don't you ever talk about my daughter like that! I will rip you apart with my bare hands."
"You're going to have to take a number for that one," Jim said; as he kept hold of her jacket to keep her from going after the man.
"You two are quite a pair," Stanley sneered. "If she was my wife; she'd be out on the street begging for change to pay for her next meal."
"If I was your wife; I would've shot you long ago," Johanna retorted.
"You know, Jim," Stanley said as he met his steely gaze; "I thought you were a fool for becoming a drunk over her; I think you're an even bigger fool now for taking her back."
Johanna broke free from Jim's grasp; moving forward with lightning speed; her hand curled into a fist at her side, but her husband managed to grab her as Craig pushed Stanley out the door. Fury blazed in her eyes; her body showcasing the agitation she felt inside.
"Keep her here," Jim said to Craig once he released his hold on her. Craig nodded and Jim went out the door after Stanley; grabbing the man's arm and dragging him into an empty conference room, where he backed him up against the wall and got in his face.
"First of all, don't you ever insinuate that my daughter is some kind of whore; because she isn't and if you ever make a statement implying that again, I'm going to knock your teeth out. And don't you ever imply that she isn't capable of doing her job because she's a woman. She's capable of far more than you ever have been."
Stanley smirked. "I'm sorry for besmirching the image of your precious little girl."
"Katie's never done anything to you; you don't even know her so you keep your mouth shut about her."
"And here I thought you were going to defend your wife's honor...what's left of it."
"You're walking a thin line, Stanley," Jim warned. "My wife is the victim in this situation; not the criminal. You got away with a lot today because she wants to fight her own battles; but from now on where you're concerned; I'll be the one fighting it and I will hurt you, make no mistake about that. Keep your mouth shut and stay away from her."
"Gladly," Stanley spat. "Now let me go. Finish your business here and get out."
Jim stepped back and allowed him to go and then he returned to Craig's office and collected his wife and the files he had been picking up.
As the elevator doors slid shut; Johanna turned towards him. "Can we please go home now?"
Jim shook his head. "I think we should go somewhere and relax; and besides; we haven't had dinner yet."
"We just had lunch awhile ago!" she exclaimed. "I'll make dinner at home."
"I'm giving you the day off from cooking."
"I don't want the day off," she said through clenched teeth.
"You're taking it anyway. It's mandatory. We'll go see a movie first."
She paced the small enclosure. "We can watch a movie at home."
"No, Johanna; we're not going home yet."
Johanna braced a hand against the wall of the elevator as her other hand landed on her hip. "Honey, you're really starting to try my patience," she said sweetly.
Jim smiled at her. "It's not the first time...probably won't be the last."
She sighed heavily and pulled her sunglasses from her pocket and slipped them back on, defeat written in her posture as she remained silent.
Johanna lingered beneath the layers of bubbles in the bathtub later that evening, her eyes closed as she focused on relaxing her body. The warm water lapped against her skin, helping to soothe the tension as she sighed; the quietness of the bathroom wrapping around her, making her feel cocooned in her chosen sanctuary. It had been a long day, she mused as she soaked. She had enjoyed the shopping trip…it had been nice to take her time and to be out with her husband in a more relaxed way. She loved their date nights, but date nights came with some pressure these days, pressure in the form of the media who followed them and from other patrons who might recognize them and tip someone off. There had been no reporters following along today, for which she was thankful; and the other shoppers paid them no mind, making her doubly thankful for small favors. Shopping had definitely been a more relaxed, enjoyable outing…but still, there had been moments of nervousness and anxiety. Johanna blew out a breath, God she hated anxiety. She hated the way it made her hands tremble, the way it could hound her and make her feel like a vice was squeezing the breath from her body at times. Some days she could shake it off easier than others.
Overall, she felt like it had been one of her better days; despite the evidence that some would use to point to the contrary. Oh she knew that she had tried Jim's patience just as much as he had tried hers but she hadn't been doing it on purpose. That agitated need to get back to the safety of home had driven her to it. She didn't like the fear she carried any more than he did…and she knew that he had kept her out until the early evening for her own good. He was trying to nudge her along in a small way and she wasn't trying to rail against that, not deep down at her core…it was just that damn anxiety that gnawed at her at times, whispering in her ear that she needed to get back home where she was safer…where she was hidden from view…from the judgment of people who didn't know her.
Johanna's fingers curled around the edge of the tub; she had a lot of work to do in getting better…and she was lucky that her husband was as patient as he was with her; that he could smile when her temper flared. A small smile of her own touched her lips; maybe he took her temper as a good sign…knowing him he probably did. She worried though; what would happen if his patience ran out? She knew she hadn't been the best company for him after their encounter with Stanley Carmichael. Stanley had succeeded at stomping on her scars; provoking her ire, unleashing her feelings of guilt and her unease of being looked at like she carried the plague. The encounter had set her off balance, made her uneasy in her own skin again. She hated that feeling.
She sunk lower in the water. The downturn of her mood couldn't have been easy for Jim to deal with and she felt remorseful. She really didn't deserve him…but she was so thankful that he was hers anyway. She just wished this would all go away so that they could have peace and be as free as they used to be. She hoped that she hadn't angered him with the downturn of her mood; she had tried to shake it off but it kept sticking to her during the rest of the day. She also hoped that he didn't think that she was angry with him somehow. They hadn't talked since they had gotten home. The need for a little space drove her to stay busy and he had retreated to the office and had yet to resurface or call for her. It wasn't that unusual when he was working on something…but her damn worrying mind made her wonder if it was something more than work.
Johanna suppressed a groan of frustration and allowed her hand to slip away from the edge of the tub and slap against the bubbly water. She had become a worrier like her mother…but then again, maybe she was just realizing that she had always been a worrier like her mother. She sighed, there were worse things she could be she supposed but the thought of her mother reminded her of Jim's confession about seeing Colleen while they were shopping. Her heart ached; she wanted to see her sister; wanted to talk to her, wanted to make her understand…wanted to hug her and just spend time with her. They had had their ups and downs through the years; they had lost some of their closeness of childhood as adults but she had still cherished her sister's presence in her life…even when things were bad between them. There would be an inevitable meeting, she knew that without a doubt, and she knew that it wouldn't be pretty…but there was a little part of her that was clinging to the hope that maybe after Colleen's initial meltdown that things could get sorted out. But nothing was ever that easy with her sister…and she had a feeling that the only thing that had spared her from receiving Colleen's tirade that day had been the fact that Jim was standing next to her.
She shook away the thoughts of her sister; she didn't want to dwell on that right now. She should think of her husband instead and a way to both thank him and apologize for the day that they'd had. It might've turned sour toward the end, but maybe she could make it up to him…show him there were no hard feelings on her part; quietly ask forgiveness for being the mess that she was. She could turn this night around; she could get them back in that warm bubble they liked to exist in.
Jim leaned back in his desk chair and closed his eyes, wondering if he should linger awhile longer or head upstairs to bed. Johanna had kept to herself since they had gotten home earlier that evening. He didn't mind; he had anticipated that she'd need some space which was why he had taken up residence in their office. He had his files to go over, notes to make and things to prepare for the case he was helping to construct, which gave him plenty to keep occupied with as he stayed out of Johanna's hair for awhile.
He had pushed her a good bit that day and he knew it had been a struggle for her but he felt that she had done relatively well. But still, she had been irritated with his stonewalling every time she asked to go home and then there had been that unexpected encounter with Stanley. She had held her own in the battle, but the remarks about Kate had ignited maternal instinct…the remark about the years he had spent in the bottle had triggered her guilt. She was going to carry that burden with him; she'd shoulder it all if she could and if he'd let her. He just couldn't get Johanna to understand that it had been his decision to drink; she had just been the excuse he had used for it…but his wife was a complicated woman. In her mind, there wouldn't have been the possibility of an excuse if it hadn't been for her.
Jim couldn't absolve her of that guilt; nor could he make her realize that any number of things could've come along and triggered that behavior, it never had to necessarily be her. She wouldn't even allow him to remind her of that brief time during the sixth year of their marriage when she had asked him if his drinking habits were getting to be a problem. That had been his wake up call back then, but she refused to accept it as evidence that a problem might've always been lingering somewhere inside, just waiting for the moment to make itself known, regardless of anything she did or didn't do.
Johanna had remained agitated throughout the movie and into dinner; and she hadn't wanted to speak of the encounter with Stanley. She had brushed it off as normal behavior from the man, but he'd seen the spark of guilt in her eyes; the self loathing, the apologies that she had already whispered a hundred times before. There had been a few flares of temper throughout the day…but he considered that a good thing for the most part. On the other hand, he was left wondering if she was harboring any anger towards him for keeping her out so long; and for making her go into the firm with him and therefore putting her in Stanley's path. While he had been working, he had listened intently to the sound of her moving through the house as she made herself busy before settling into the living room, and he noticed that she had avoided coming near the office. A short while earlier, he had heard her retreat upstairs, but still he waited; his mind drifting with a hundred different thoughts. Chances were, his wife was still mildly peeved with him, and she'd devise a form of punishment for him. Most likely she'd also sleep with her back to him and be glad to send him off to work in the morning just so she'd have the peace of knowing that she didn't have to leave the house again.
He was so absorbed in his thoughts that he hadn't heard the sound of Johanna's footsteps as they carried her to the doorway of the room. She paused for a moment to study her husband, worrying her bottom lip as she did so. By the looks of his relaxed position in his chair, it was possible that he was avoiding her. She couldn't say she blamed him; she was sure she'd been a pain to deal with all day…but she wanted to make it better; and she hoped that his closed eyes didn't mean he had fallen asleep on her before she had gotten to try.
Johanna moved quietly through the room; rounding his desk and pausing next to his chair. She lowered her face to his and brushed a gentle kiss against his lips before she stepped back and perched in front of him on the edge of the desk; propping her feet against the arm of his chair.
Jim's eyes flicked open; a small smile ghosting across his lips at the sight of her. "What are you doing, Sassy?" he asked quietly.
Her gaze met his, a multitude of apologies in her eyes but she didn't know how to voice or explain them; and a part of her didn't want to try. He seemed to understand as his hand moved to caress a bare leg that her robe revealed to him. "Are you coming to bed?" she asked softly.
"I thought you had already gone up to bed," he replied.
"I did...but I was waiting for you."
"Were you?" he questioned gently.
She braced a hand against the desk and then leaned toward him; capturing his mouth with hers in a long kiss. He gently caught hold of her face, keeping her from pulling back once the kiss had ended. He studied her intently as he held her gaze and he saw the understanding in her eyes. She wasn't angry with him...but he had detected a spark of fear that he might be the one who was angry.
Jim kissed her tenderly; trying to erase any doubts she had as her fingertips moved feather light along the curve of his face and into his hairline. "Do we need to talk about anything?" he asked; forcing himself to release his hold on her; although he allowed one hand to remain on her leg, offering a soothing caress.
"No," she whispered; her hand gliding down his chest. "I like this shirt," she murmured; rubbing her fingers against the soft grey cotton material.
Jim gave a soft laugh. "I know; I'm surprised it hasn't found its way into your drawer yet."
"It still could," she quipped.
"Are you sure we don't need to talk?"
His wife smiled coyly. "I think we could find better things to do with our time tonight."
His brow rose. "Is that right?"
She nodded. "Unless you're not interested in what I have to offer."
"Maybe I better look into the matter and see just what it is you're offering," he replied with a grin as he reached for the sash of her robe and tugged at it; causing it to fall open and reveal a familiar dark red silk nightgown.
"Well?" she asked quietly; a saucy lilt to her tone.
"I'm definitely interested in your offer," he replied.
She smiled and moved from the desk to his lap; teasing him with kisses against his neck and his jaw before allowing him to claim her lips. A soft, slender hand found its way beneath his shirt; moving with practiced ease against his skin. She sure did know how to start a fire, he thought to himself as his own hand moved toward the hem of her nightgown. She captured his wrist; a mischievous glint in her eyes as she pulled it away from her nightgown and then removed herself from his lap.
So he was going to be punished after all, he thought as she dodged his hands as they tried to pull her back to him. "Come to bed," Johanna told him with a sassy look as she made a slow purposeful walk to the door.
"I take it you're being the boss?" Jim asked.
She smiled. "Well I did play by your rules all day; it's only fair that you play by mine now."
He chuckled as she stepped across the threshold of the office; there was a small friendly slap in those words; recalling his earlier statement about how he had met her friend so she should meet his. He didn't mind having his words thrown back in his face; they'd been doing that all of their lives...and he didn't mind the game she'd play tonight, he thought as he turned off the lamp on his desk and made his way to the door. She would punish him by drawing things out and making him wait; and if he tried to hurry her along, she'd just slow things down even more until he learned to play by the rules. If he had to be punished for what he had put her through all day; this was the method he preferred...but he knew this was about more than a seductive revenge and the playful passion of long time lovers...it was about her need to apologize although she had done nothing wrong...and it was about how she needed to know that things were still alright between them.
As he approached the stairs, he found her waiting for him on the bottom step. "Impatient, sweetheart?" he asked.
"No," she replied; a soft smile on her lips as she held out a hand to him. "I just figured that since you held my hand all day...that I could return the favor."
Jim smiled as he slipped his hand into hers. "Another offer I can't refuse."
Her smile widened and she tugged at his hand; beckoning him to join her as she turned to climb the stairs.
It always felt somewhat odd to be home without Jim; Johanna thought to herself as she sat at the table the next morning and folded laundry from the basket that sat on the chair next to her. Over the last several weeks, he hadn't left her often, only a few times but she figured that was just something else she'd have to get used to. It wasn't that she minded him going off to do his consulting jobs, she didn't. It was nice to have some time to herself; to think and move about without being watched. She knew that her husband was worried about her in some ways and that he was trying to watch her subtly...but he wasn't always very good at being subtle. She wasn't exactly sure what it was that he was watching for; wasn't even certain if he knew exactly what it was. Maybe he was just on alert for a possible breakdown. Whatever the reason was, she didn't call him on it. It would take care of itself once things calmed down.
Johanna smiled as she folded one of his t-shirts, rubbing her hand against the soft grey cotton before putting it on the pile with his other shirts. She didn't mind the time alone...but she missed him. It was quiet, the TV on the counter playing softly for background noise but there was a sense of peace in her home. As she had walked Jim to the door that morning, it had been so nice to look out and not see the presence of the media. She had been wary though, as she had been the past several days, waiting until mid morning before opening the blinds in the living room and letting the sun pour in. It was a relief, a temporary one, she was sure, but a relief none the less and she felt like she could breathe again.
A thought came to mind out of nowhere, reminding her that the air of early October was still warm enough for being outside in the afternoons. Maybe after she finished folding the laundry and putting it away, she would make a cup of tea and grab her book and go out and sit on the porch swing for awhile. That old swing had always been one of her favorite reading spots. It sounded like a good idea; she felt safe enough. She'd take her phone and she was sure she could make it back inside if someone approached the house. Besides, maybe being outside the door on her own would help ease her fears. Baby steps, she told herself. Baby steps were better than no steps. Once she mastered a few baby steps, she'd work on getting a car and taking that bigger leap. She wouldn't mention that part to Jim...but maybe he'd be proud of her for venturing outside to read.
Johanna folded the last few articles of clothing and then matched socks and folded them as well. She piled her belongings into one side of the basket and then picked up Jim's to put in the vacant space next to hers; her hand brushing against that grey shirt once again. It was funny how something so mundane as laundry could feel so good to her. There was just something about the sight of his clothes in the basket with hers that routinely reminded her that she was home. Everything mundane and every day felt so good; the laundry, the planning of meals and cooking; the debate over what to watch in the evenings...the warmth of their bed. Those brief drowsy moments in the middle of the night when she'd wake to the feel of his arm settling across her waist. She wasn't taking anything for granted, no matter how ordinary of a task it might be.
Of course in between those tasks were things that were special to her; like when they had danced in the kitchen after dinner that second night after they had came back from Wyoming; and how he had helped her unpack and settle in. There were those moments when they were cuddled up together on the sofa, no words between them, for the simple fact that none were necessary. There was also that night a week before, when they had laid in their bed in the darkness and talked all night long, the topics unimportant and his goal to make her laugh with the stories he told successfully achieved. She had laughed...like she didn't have a care in the world, and that night she didn't. She had her husband and they were locked away in their own little world and nothing had mattered but them. It had felt so good and by dawn it had turned into love making...tender and yet passionate; so perfect without those lingering feelings of the last several months behind it for the first time.
A smile touched her lips; her hand moving against the fabric of his shirt as it rested in the basket as her mind filled with the memory of the night before. She was a wife again, in every sense of the word...and in the moments of darkness that sometimes clouded around her, she clung to that knowledge. She had reclaimed her place; no one would take it from her again. She wouldn't allow it. Johanna pushed her thoughts away and rose from her chair to put water on to heat for her tea. She figured that it would be ready by the time she got the laundry put away. She turned back towards the table and picked up the laundry basket from the chair; balancing it against her hip as she carried it through the house.
Just as she reached the stairs, a knock sounded at the door. She froze; a flutter of panic rippling through her stomach. Jim always made it a point to tell Katie when he wasn't going to be home and Kate had already texted once to check in with her. She hadn't mentioned stopping by, and she was certain that Kate would've called her before knocking on the door. It didn't seem likely that it was anyone else that she knew.
A second knock sounded and a trickle of trepidation slid down her spine as she sat the clothes basket on the bottom step. She felt her pockets and realized that she had left her phone in the kitchen, and the cordless phone on the stand would be of no use to her since they had to have their landline disconnected due to the barrage of calls from media outlets. She crept forward and when she reached the stand in the entry way, she slid open the drawer and took out the gun that rested inside; clutching it tightly as she kept it concealed at her side as she approached the door.
…to be continued