Hello. Me again. As per usual no infringement, no rights what so ever. I borrow, only because I love.
Enjoy.
Action and Reaction.
She flexes her Hallux's, 3rd, 4th and 5th metatarsals. Enjoying the feeling of wet sand between them, grittiness and warmth seeping into the cold that seems to have invaded her very skeleton. Not because of the weather, it is still in the 70s, although the western breeze holds a touch of the coming season change. She reaches back to undo the bun, holding pins in her mouth, until it is all free. Wiggling her fingers in her hair to untangle and loosen. The wind whips hair into a frenzy, but she doesn't care. It was confining, tight on her head like a mourners cap. She pockets the pins. Wrapping her arms around herself as she continues her walk along the beach, close enough to the tide line that every once and while the sea whispers over her feet. She's not focusing on anything, lost in thoughts, turbulent, messy, shifting from one to another so fast it brings a frown.
She kicks at the water like a child, casting the spray up her slacks. She just needed to get out of the house, away... Away from Jane.
It had been so good, the walk, swim, jet ski. All of it, fun, happy, laughter. It repaired, it did, mended some of the fissures within. She bathed in it, a balm. The dinner, it was the dinner something cracked, one of the mended parts weakened, split wide open. They'd talked, disclosed, teased, yes her too, it was involuntary, escaping. But the more the dinner continued the more she felt it, the ease stilted. Her hurt, betrayal, simmered, boiling beneath. They were acting like nothing had happened, nothing was between them. Jane... Jane was acting this way, full forward motion. Jane said she expected nothing, but the expectations were riddled though the whole dinner. So there was no way she could avoid disappointing her, and she did and it left her feeling guilty, confused, scared. One day that was it has truly been. It had hit hard, the whole reality. Fantasy island, Jane called it... It was just words, she knew Jane didn't mean it that way, but it started her questioning again. If this is fantasy what happens when they return to reality? How can it be different when they are both the same? She knows Jane eventually felt it, saw it. Knew Jane realised what she'd been doing. She saw it all inside the car, the nightmare of the past reborn. The only thing that had been missing was the rain. A moment, a damn brief moment and it crashed.
They have two silences between them; One where it screams of want, lust, love, secret words in a look, one which freezes them, caught in each other, nothing else exists. But the other, they can't hear each other, see. The dark heavy rank one, where they can't even look at each other. Pain, loss, guilt. That was the one in the car. Suffocating in its intensity, sucking the air from the world. Neither knowing how to break free. The silence of broken things.
When she'd parked outside the house, she got out, not bothering to wait for Jane. Moving into the house, throwing her bag onto the table. Immediately going upstairs, entering her bedroom, closing the door. She kicked off her shoes, pulled off the shawl so hard it left burns on her neck. Everything pressing, constricting. She paced, she was a live wire. Suppressed emotions fighting against her control She hated it... hated it. Eyes fixed on the closed door. Knowing Jane would not knock, would not venture in. Space. Jane would give her space, because Jane was the same Jane. Yet she wanted Jane to rescue her from this isolation tower. Not be the same Jane. The one who gives space, who backs off in an emotional crisis, who retreats just as badly as she does. When she heard the click of the other bedroom door close, she knew Jane had retreated to her own exile... She was alone. She didn't know how to do this, how to survive this maelstrom, the indecisions. The pull of one part against another, it was tearing her apart. She couldn't breathe. Jane, the cause was too near... She had to get out! She didn't even bother to put on shoes when she ran from the room, down the stairs, out, out into the air.
To here, here where she can breathe. Damn Jane, damn Jane for being the same. Damn herself for being the same.
She kicks at the sea. It's building again, the ache. She hugs herself tighter, pace increasing. Her arms unfold from around her like wings before flight. Walk turns into a jog, faster into a run. Feet pounding, arms pumping, the force of it throws water higher, soaking her clothes. But she still runs, faster, faster, faster. Breathing deepens, ribs expand, heart rate increases, muscles flex. She gulping now, air intake harsh. Muscles burn, protest. She's sweating, trickles on her back. Hair blasted back by the wind and the force of her run. Mouth opens more oxygen needed. She staggers as muscles cramp, rights herself. Stumbles, knees dipping into the surf, rights herself. Everything burns, lungs, skin. She stumbles again but this time her legs give out and she is dumped onto the sand and sea. Palms impacting, stinging.
She's beached like a whale. Gulping, swallowing, body heaving. She flips over onto her back, the surf covering until she is soaked. She crawls backwards like a crab, exhausted, feeble. Slumping back when she's free of the sea. Heart thumping in her chest like an anvil. Eyes close, lights of polarize shoot across her lids. She doesn't know what to do... Jane's force pushes her. Two magnets drawn, yet when they are within distance, they repel. What she feels, she does not understand. Actions, all of of them. Every last one that has brought them to this. The stronger Jane pledges her love, her want, proves it like tonight, the more she is pushed away. But why? She wants it, doesn't she?
Slowly her breathing calms. Her muscles twinge and throb, muscle trauma at the sudden workout. Eyes flicker open, the vast dark sky above like a bowl. Her arm falls across her eyes blocking it all out. Why can't she control this? She has over reacted she knows she has. Her reaction to Jane's push forward for their relationship has sent her in the opposite direction... But why? Why? WHY? Jane is the same, yes, but she fell in love with Jane. Does she expect a change? For Jane to become something she is not? No one can ask someone to do this. So why does she expect this? No. She doesn't want Jane to become something else, someone else. Then what is the problem? What does she need Jane to do?
She sits up so fast, the world spins. It isn't Jane... It's her. She has been waiting for something, anything to happen. An epiphany, a sudden strike of lightning to show the way. A key, to unlock. She is the one who is waiting, she is the one who has not been in this. She is still inert. Jane is forward motion, moving. But she she is stilled, pulled a long until she was sent in a direction she was not ready for... It's her.
What is she waiting for? For it to fail? Something stirs at the back of her mind, like a spider scurrying back into the darkness.
Failure...
The word echoes. A tolling bell, each strike vibrates
Failure...
Every relationship she has ever had has failed. Garrett... He wanted something more than her. Ian... He wanted something more than her. All of them, she was never enough. Good enough to fuck, good enough to get things for them. Good enough to come back too time and time again and repeat. But she was not good enough for them to stay.
Failure...
That night in the car, the night she laid everything bare. She did it out of fear, pushed to the edge of the ravine, desperation at losing Jane. So she told all, but she expected failure. Because she was not good enough.
Failure...
All her life, her actions, emotions. Ones she didn't know how to handle, how to adapt, how to fit in. awkward, weird. All of it, she has never expected anything else except failure with people. She kept away, avoided, chose a course of employment where she didn't have to face what she could not. Because she was not good enough.
Failure...
Sex, she can handle sex. The control, the need too control. Have sex with men she rarely knows. Go on dates, look for the perfect mate. But all she has found is a serial killer and being framed for murder.
The longest relationship she has ever had, is Jane.
Failure...
For whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.
''Oh god.'' She doesn't believe in any deity, yet she calls. She covers her face, legs pulled up. She has no control with Jane. Her emotions, want, lust, need, love. No control. There it is the problem, the chain around her neck, tethering her to Prometheus's rock. She is afraid... Afraid to give everything, because deep down she doesn't believe she is good enough. Like all the rest, Jane will leave. She never expected to succeed with anyone in a relationship. Oh, she yearned for it, wanted it. But it never seemed to go beyond the sex.
Love... Does she really know what it is? Jane said she couldn't believe in love because there was no proof it existed in Maura's world. Love... A word, letters. Used first over five thousand years ago, Leubh; to crave, to desire. Words... Definitions. Songs, poems, odes, plays, all express the description of love. Yet science, her science it is chemicals forming a reaction; testosterone, estrogen, dopamine, norepinephrine, serotonin, oxytocin and vasopressin. All of which she knows. Is that love? How can it be love? How can she believe in love? She can believe in the chemical reactions and what they cause. Is that enough? Feeling, she has no knowledge of what they are supposed to be. Interactions, emotions, she is inapt at all. She fails.
Failure.
She rubs her face, sand and salt stings on her skin. Her breathing is hiccups, stutters. She's trapped by her own beliefs. She is no better than Angela. She shakes her head, no one can see, but the action enforcing her denial. No! She loves, she is in love. She loves Jane. She does. Humans are more than chemicals. But she is not more... She has never been more, never enough. So why would Jane be different, why would Jane stay? Because she came back? But so did the others, then they would leave. She is arguing with herself, science, logic, evidence on one side. The other side what she feels, what she wants.
She shifts, chin rests on arms across her knees. Staring, staring out at the ocean. She sits, listening to the wind, the sea, sounds of the night. She doesn't know how long she sits, but the frenzy of emotions, madness leaves. She has always known her flaws, weaknesses. She does know how to love, too give. This bombardment of emotions is what she does not know, this is what she cannot handle. But She knows now it is her that is holding herself back. Afraid...
With the emotional calm comes clarity of thought. An article, one she read in her twenties comes to her. A zoo in Pao was closing. All the animals were to be relocated or freed, A Siberian Forest wolf named Kei, was to be relocated. Captured as a cub, he lived nine years without knowing his natural environment. He was taken to a protected area. They let him free and he ran a distance and stopped. He changed direction running free again, stopped again. He repeated, never crossing an invisible line. There were no walls, no fences. He repeated and repeated. The handler realised what Kei was doing. Kei was keeping exactly to the measurements of his zoo enclosure.
She feels like Kei, released from her world of confinement, running free. But every time she reaches the limits of her own self imposed enclosure, she stops, changes direction... Not because she is afraid, because just like Kei, this is all she knows. The rest is the unknown. Eventually Kei did go beyond, he adapted. Can she?
She smooths hair back from her face. It is simple logic now. Two choices; One, to take a chance, believe in Jane and her words, run free. Two, to leave, go now, salvage her life, move on, run away.
She stands, brushing sand from her hands, a useless movement, it covers her. She turns the direction of the house, walking, steps even, no rush. She's made her choice.
…...
Darkness is the house, not even a light upstairs in Jane's window. She has no idea how long she has been gone. She opens the door, the coldness of the flooring impacting her soles as she steps in. She closes the door quietly. Letting her eyes adjust to the darker light inside. She walks towards the stairs, nearly jumping out of her skin, when she makes out a dark figure sitting in a chair in the far corner of the room.
''Enjoy your walk?''
Her heart rate slows, recognizing Jane's voice. Her hand goes to her heart. ''You scared me.''
''I Bet.''
''What are you doing sitting in the dark?''
''Just sitting. I saw you run out of here like a bat out of hell three hours ago.''
She jolts. Three hours, she was gone three hours? ''I...I needed to walk.''
''So how was the walk? Must of reached Marathon and back.''
She can hear so much in Jane's tone. None of it she likes, the worst is defeat. She takes a step nearer, only stopping when the couch back is there. ''I didn't realise the time.''
''Are you just back for your things?''
The words make her breathe in sharply. She can see now, although Jane's features are still in darkness. See enough to make out the glass in Jane's hand. Eyes darting to the bottle on the table. ''I'm sorry.''
''Sorry... Right. At least you came back to say see ya... Do I get a lift back to Boston at least? Or should I start hitch hiking?'' She watches Jane down what was left in the glass.
''What? No... no. I'm not leaving.'' She quickly moves around the couch. Grabbing at Jane as she stands, stumbling forward. ''I'm not leaving.''
''You're not?''
Closer now she can hear the slur in Jane's voice. The air exhale is scotch. Judging by the strength, Jane has been drinking for a while. Damn. Damn. ''I'm staying here. With you.''
''Shit... I thought I'd screwed it up for good.''
She takes the glass from Jane's hand, noting the tremor in the fingers she brushes. She has done this and it settles like a snake in her stomach. ''I'm sorry. I just needed to get away.''
''From me?''
Jane tilts back from her and she reaches quickly to grab her arm. ''From myself. But I can't run from myself.''
''What does that mean?''
She steadies Jane again. Hating the confusion. Knowing it isn't just coming from the alcohol. How could Jane understand. When she didn't until now. ''I am afraid.''
''Of trusting me. Yeah, I know. Tonight I went to fast... I didn't mean to.''
''I know... But that's not why I left... I'm afraid of failing.''
Jane draws back. ''What? Failing at what?''
''With you. Of not being enough.''
''Wait... Just give me a second. My heads buzzing like hell.''
Jane exhales again and this time her nose wrinkles. ''How much have you drank?'' She ducks around Jane, lifting the bottle. Her eyebrows rise. It's half full. She cringes when she sees it's one of her father's collection. Oh dear. ''You drank all of this?''
''No... Two glasses. Maybe three. Wasn't full.''
Her panic recedes. At least she isn't dealing with alcohol poisoning. But this is bad enough. ''Jane, for what I need to say, I need you sober.''
''Hey, I'm not drunk.'' Jane pulls her arm free.
She shows the bottle. ''This holds 70cl. It is now under half full. Therefore you have consumed the minimum of 25cl, of a fifty year old scotch. With a content of 40 percent per volume, Your blood alcohol will be well over the legal limit. Judging by your reflexes, reaction time, gross motor control, staggering, slurred speech. I am confident in assessing you are between 0.10–0.19 inebriated.''
Jane draws back from her, pushing hair from her face. ''My motor skills aren't gross. And I have no idea what else you just said.''
She bites her lip. Resisting the urge to push Jane's hair back, as each time Jane does, it falls forward again. ''Which proves my point. You are drunk, Jane. Come on.'' She places the bottle down. Grabbing Jane and moving her towards the kitchen.
''Why are you wet? Did you swim with your clothes on?''
''I fell.''
Jane's sudden stop, nearly sends her stumbling. Jane's hands are everywhere at once. Pressing, touching. Her brain hiccups an overload. ''Jane!''
''Did you hurt yourself? Are you hurt?''
She grabs Jane's hands. ''Stop... I am not hurt.''
''Sure?''
''I'm sure.'' She hides her smile at the seriousness on Jane's face. It doesn't quite work with the dazed look in her eyes. ''Now. Come on.'' Jane this time lets her lead. She moves them into the kitchen. Making sure Jane is securely sitting on the stool before turning to get a glass. She flicks on the over head oven light, allowing a low illumination. But it still makes her blink at its harshness.
''Shit, Maura, you look like a drowned rat.''
She turns, amusement bubbling. ''Why thank you. I see alcohol makes you complimentary.''
''Don't use big words. I can hardly handle them when I haven't had scotch.''
She crosses her arms. ''Where did you find the scotch?''
''Was over there, in the book case thing. I just needed something, I mean, I …. I wanted to go after you... But shit, I didn't know if that was weird... no, not weird, right. I didn't know if it was okay. Cos I keep screwing up... and I didn't want screw it up no more.''
Her amusement vanishes. ''I honestly didn't know it had been that long. I am sorry to have worried you.'' She turns, filling the glass with water.
''Yeah.''
She places the iced water on the counter. ''Drink this.'' Her skin is itching, clothes drying sand and salt. ''Stay here. I am going to get changed.''
''Right, staying here.''
''I won't be long.'' She turns to leave, but Jane's hand clamps like a vice on her arm, pulling her back.
''You're not gonna leave, right?''
She lets out a breath. Stepping closer. ''No... I'm not leaving. I just need to change. I won't be long.''
''Promise?''
It touches her to the point she can feel tears. Childlike, totally not Jane. She rubs Jane's hand. ''I promise. Right back.''
Jane excepts her word. Turning to drink.
She waits a moment watching, then she leaves. Running up the stairs carefully, mindful of her wet feet. Entering her bathroom, she removes all her wet clothes, sand is gritty but she doesn't have time to shower. She grabs a towel, drying quickly as possible. She moves into the bedroom, mind going over what she can wear. She digs through the drawers, until she finds what she uses for yoga. Pulling on the sweat pants and slipping a t shirt on. She exhales, staring at herself in the mirror. Her hair is a mess of curls, but her face, her face looks free. Fingertips cover her mouth, as if holding in a secret. A thump from downstairs has her moving.
She steps off the last step. Finding Jane sitting against the cupboard on the floor. ''Oh.. Jane.''
''It pushed me, Maur. I swear to god.''
She laughs, she's never seen Jane this drunk before. The cause of it is her and that stilts the laugh. But this is amusing, a relief. She goes over, lifting Jane's arm over her shoulder. ''Come on.''
''You keep saying that. Come on what?''
''Get up.''
''Am I down?''
She chuckles. ''Yes. Now up.'' She pulls, legs straining, straightening her back, Jane stands with her. She turns to place Jane back on the stool, then thinks better of it. She hadn't realised Jane was this inebriated, her first assessment was terribly wrong. She moves them both towards the stairs. Jane's weight nearly tips them. Until she can regain her footing. ''Oh, Jane. You are more than drunk.''
''I think it just hit me. Air got in when you opened the door.''
She shakes her head. She wants to tell all now. But Jane in this state is not going to work. ''Up.''
''Huh. Am I down again?''
She reaches, taking Jane's arm more securely. ''No, upstairs, bed.''
''What!''
Jane's head turns so fast she gets hit with a whiplash of black hair. The shocked look, has her rolling her eyes. ''To sleep, Jane. To sleep. You're hardly capable of anything else.''
''Oh.''
They start moving. Jane jerks to a stop.
''Hey, you have no idea what I'm capable of.''
She chokes on air. Images shooting stars across her mind. Oh my... She takes a deep breath.
''We stopped? We going down now?''
She laughs, a gulp of air caught. She will not go there, she will not fall to that thought level. ''No. Let's just get upstairs.''
Jane pulls away from here, all arms waving. ''No... no... no... no... no... no. You want to talk.''
She steps closer, taking her arm again. ''I want to talk to you sober. You need to sleep it off. It can wait.''
''No... Not waiting, no more waiting. Waited three damn hours. Yearrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrs... No, no, not waiting in case you change your mind and not talk talk.''
''Jane, you are hardly in any shape to hear anything I say. I will not change my mind. Tomorrow is fine,'' She reaches, but Jane slaps at her hands, missing every time.
''Coffee. Lots of coffee. I'll be good. Better than good... Just get me coffee.''
''Caffeine is just going to keep you awake. It isn't going to totally sober you either.''
''Maura, I'm drunk but not drunk drunk. My brain is fuzzy as hell and walking isn't so good.'' She sways. ''and standing having some trouble with that... But get me coffee. Couch... Then more coffee.''
''Jane.'' She tempted, so tempted. To tell, to tell all. ''Are you sure?''
''Yes. Couch... Coffee.''
Against her better judgement she walks Jane to the couch. She puts Jane's legs up.. ''I'll be right back.''
''I'll be the one watching the ceiling moving.''
She smiles, shaking her head. Moving back to fix the coffee; Black, very strong, she adds water to cool and enough sugar to make her teeth itch. Taking a bottle of water as well. Returning. ''Here, drink this and then the water.''
Jane shifts, taking the coffee.
She sits close. She wants to touch, be closer. But first she needs to talk and she can't do that until Jane is sober enough. She takes the cup when Jane has finished and goes and refills. Bringing back a juice for herself. She sits close again, Jane's legs warmth behind her.
''Sorry.''
She turns her head, mouth paused on drinking. She lowers the bottle. ''For what?''
''Getting drunk like this. Didn't mean to.''
She fidgets with the bottle. Eyes down. ''I can understand why you did. After everything that has happened and then I disappear for three hours.''
''Wasn't just that.''
She frowns, looking over. ''It wasn't?''
''I couldn't ask you, I mean. I would have... Anyway I got my phone.'' Jane's eyes are focused on the coffee she's sipping
''You?'' Confused until she remembers it was in her purse. ''Jane, it's fine you went into my purse.''
''Ma left a message.''
''Oh.''
''Yeah. It was Sunday yesterday. Think she left it on the way to church. Not sure, didn't check time.''
''What did she say?''
''I'm still her daughter.''
''That's... '' Her words stutter off as Jane looks up and what she sees in the dark eyes has her breath holding. ''Jane?''
''She said she was going to pray for me.''
''I... I'm sorry.'' Her left hand tightens around the plastic bottle till it dents.
''Wants to talk to me when I get back. When we get back. She didn't sound mad any more.''
''Isn't that good?'' She makes herself take a sip of juice. Needing to be able to swallow the lump forming in her throat.
''I don't know.''
She wants to ask more, but she bites it back. She takes the cup from Jane. ''Another?''
''Yeah. Every things not so fuzzy.''
She actually feels Jane's sobriety has more to do with Angela's call then the coffee. But she smiles. ''Caffeine speeds up the system, it helps burn the alcohol off faster.''
''Good. Need it.''
She goes, gets another cup. Taking the time to compress the anger at Angela. Quickly opening the cupboard taking out a packet of oat cakes. Getting two extra bottles of juice as well. She goes back. ''Here. Eat those. It will help absorb the alcohol and line your stomach. I'm surprised you haven't vomited.''
Jane makes a face taking the oat cakes and coffee. ''Yay. Go me.''
She laughs. ''Just drink and eat.'' She sips her juice. While Jane works her way through the food and coffee. Another cup finished, Jane hands it to her.
''Another?''
''No. I feel better and another cup I probably will puke.''
She hands the juice over instead. ''Sip.''
Jane just nods, sipping. ''I never drink like that. I guess good scotch knocks me on my ass.''
''I understand.''
''I'll buy another one.''
She swallows the juice in her mouth fast. ''Um, no. It's okay.''
''No, it's only fair. I drank it, so I'll replace it.''
''Jane, I... ''
''What? Oh shit. It was expense? Of course it was. How much?''
''It's okay.''
''How much?''
''You really don't need too.''
''How much?''
She sighs. Stubborn woman. ''If you can find another bottle. It will probably cost between five thousand and six thousand.''
''Dollars?'' Jane's voice is a squeak.
She nods.
''Well. Holy crap... Who made it, Scottish elves?''
She grins. Keeping the history and blending of that particular brand to herself. ''It really is fine. My father left it for guests. You are a guest.''
''Yeah, but I bet he didn't expect someone to down half of it in one go.''
''It doesn't matter.'' She places her bottle down, shifting closer. ''Jane.''
''I keep screwing up.''
She pushes Jane gently back as she sits. ''Lay down. You will only feel unwell moving around.''
''Damn, Maur, I'm sorry.''
She knows Jane is not apologising for the scotch. Irritation flairs, she does not want to go around in circles. ''Stop apologising.''
''Anything else I can not do for you?''
The sarcasm is welcome. It means Jane is there. ''Yes. Stop thinking everything is your fault. Because it honestly isn't.''
''How can you say that?''
''Because it's true. I hold joint responsibility remember. Tonight it had nothing to do with your actions... I ran because I didn't know what to do. Everything between us is so much and at dinner it all just crashed onto me like a ton weight... Jane, I don't want to start this conversation if I have to repeat it tomorrow. Do you understand what I'm saying?''
''I'm, yeah, I get it. I'm listening.''
She grabs Jane's chin, looking into her eyes. There is still haziness, but there is also clarity. She goes to take her hand back, Jane catches it.
''I can hear you Maur. Not that drunk. Never too drunk I can't hear you.''
Sometimes when Jane is this sweet. She can't breathe, it's the honesty in Jane. Jane gives all, once she sets her mind, Jane gives all. But she doesn't know how to be like that... She takes a long breath. ''Are you listening?''
''Yes.''
She holds Jane's hand tightly, needing the grounding. ''I have never thought I was good enough... '' She feels Jane tense to speak. ''No... Please. Just let me say this... I need to say this.'' A nod. She continues. ''Garrett, was someone I was supposed to be with. Fairfields, Isles, perfect match for my parents, both families. I loved him, I loved him as much as I could with my limited knowledge of emotions. But I know now it wasn't the love people speak of. I was more in love with my work, my focus of learning. When he left I was hurt, I wasn't broken... My work, my science became more to me than Garrett ever did. His world was not my world.''
She looks up. Jane is studying her intently, the look she gets when she is investigating. Jane is listening. She is Jane's only focus. She looks down.''Ian... Ian was a hero, a righter of wrongs, self sacrificing, healing those that needed it. It was very easy to fall in love with him. Right from the beginning I knew Ian's main love was his work, his causes. But I was in love with him, totally in love with him, as much as I could love, he had all of me.'' She feels Jane's body tense. She rubs her thumb over the scarred hand. When Jane relaxes, then she looks up. ''…. That is why I let him come and go in my life... But I came to realise I was in love with the idea of him more, the hero, the self sacrificing man. The way he would sweep me away, the romance, the sexual arousal... The reality was I never saw beyond that with him, which is why I finally ended it. I knew because of you, I deserved better, I deserved more.'' She takes a deep breath, fortifying, ready to admit. ''Garrett, Ian, they would be with me, leave, then want me again, sweep me away. To come back, repeat their actions. Ian was the worst... But for either I was good enough for that, but neither of them thought I was good enough to stay for.''
''Jesus, Maura. They're both fucking idiots.''
She cups Jane's hand hard, squeezing. '' I know, just... Shhhhhh. Listen, It's okay.''
''Like hell it's okay, it is sooooooooooo not. Never okay. I'm not gonna stay quiet if you say something like that. No way.''
''Okay... But it's the reason I ran away.''
''Huh?''
''I don't think I'm good enough for you. Good enough for you to stay.''
She nearly falls off the edge of couch as Jane surges up like a tidal wave. It's only her hold on Jane's hand that saves her. Jane pulls her back so fast she feels like a rag doll.
''No... No, God damn it. No! It's me, me, I'm not good enough for you... Jesus, Maura. I ….. Holy crap. You're kidding right? Tell me you're kidding?''
''I'm not. It's how I feel.''
''Why? God, why?''
''I fail... Every relationship I fail. With you I don't want it to. But I'm so terrified it will.''
''Maur... Come on. Damn... No. it's not you... Christ. Garret was an ass hole. Killed his half brother remember... come on. How can someone like him even see what you are? Really see you? He sees money and a way to get his ass out of trouble. Someone like him, he can never see someone as special as you. He uses people, Maura. ''
''I know. I do know. But back when we were together he wasn't like that.''
''I bet you the price of that elf scotch he was. You just didn't see it. Snakes Maur, snakes. They slither away. He was one.''
''It wasn't just him, Jane. Ian did the same, he always came back when he needed something, not me, needed something else. Sex, included... I wasn't enough for him to stay beyond that.''
Jane's growl is a vibration worthy of a tiger. ''Damn it, Maura. Ian... Just don't get me started on him. The way he... No no, you know what never mind... You let him do it.''
She jerks, nearly letting go of Jane's hand. But Jane grips it. ''What? I let him what?''
''You let him keep coming back. You could have stopped him every time he treated you like that... You could have just called him on it. You didn't because you thought if you did he'd stop completely coming to you. So you knew deep down he was gonna leave and facing it before you were ready just wasn't an option. So yeah, Ian was a ass because he stayed when he could get it.''
''That isn't how I...''
''Oh, yes it was. You didn't fail, it was their problem and when you saw it, you did something about it. They didn't stay because they weren't ever going to. Men like that think more of causes or money... It was never you.''
Now she is confused. ''So what are you saying? I should just tell you to leave and stop treating me like they did? This is all your fault?''
''That's what I been telling you. None of this is you... Me. I treated you like shit. I ran away. You didn't do anything except tell me the truth. You love me. I ran, Maura. You didn't go anywhere. Even after I ran you still stayed. How in the hell can this, any of this be your fault?''
''I don't...'' Her mind is a whirl wind of it. Shifting through the whole thing. Garret... Ian... Jane.
''I wont leave.''
Her thoughts stutter, stop. Looking up. ''I...''
''I won't leave if you yell at me. I won't leave if you scream at me how badly I've treated you... I won't leave if you throw a choo choo shoe at me because I've frustrated you beyond the limits of your patience... I will not leave because of something you think you fail at... I won't leave Maura. As for Garrett and Ian... they aren't worth this conversation... You, you are the one that's important.''
Fog is clearing. She blinks as Jane kisses the back of her hand. She breathes in deeply.
''You're great... Shit, okay... That's lame... I'm not good at words. I wish I was. You're amazing you really are. Everything about you is. If they didn't come back it's because they were so far up their own ass they couldn't see how great you are. I was just as bad. I let my own stuff rule what I wanted. But Maura, please, please don't think it's you that failed, it isn't... It's them, they left you.''
The pain of it is still there, it throbs like stubbed toe. ''I know what you're saying to a degree is true. But I failed too. I didn't know how to be loved, how to let someone love me.''
''Okay, okay I can get that. I can understand that. But Maura. You love me, right?''
It catches her breath. ''Yes.''
''And who's the one that screwed us up?''
''Jane.'' She doesn't want this, she doesn't want to keep repeating.
''Answer it.''
A pull on her hand brings her gaze back up. ''I'm not going to say you screwed it up because …...'' It stops. It all stops, questions, answers, doubts. She wanted a sign, an epiphany. Well here it is. ''It wasn't me.''
''Nope.'' Jane's face is more serious than she has ever seen it.
She isn't asking questions, no more questions. These are statements. ''Nothing I did.''
''Nope.''
''Not how I am.''
''Nope.''
''I didn't fail with Garrett, with Ian, with you.''
Jane this time shakes her head to enforce it. ''No!''
Suddenly a spike of anger slices. ''It was you... You did this to us.''
Jane nod is solemn. ''Yes. Nothing was you... Nothing to do with you or how you think you are... It wasn't because you were emotional awkward, or don't know how to love or how too show it. It was me. I failed us. Because I was afraid, my doubts, my not being good enough for you... Not you, never you. I'm the ass hole on this one. But I'm not coming back just to leave again and repeat it. I don't repeat mistakes... you know that. And I don't want to leave... As for sex, I would never use you like that ever... If we never have sex I'm still gong to be here... I love you, being with you, talking with you. Just breathing the same damn air as you. You make me laugh, you make me forget the homicide rate. Jesus, Maura, you... You're not a failure at anything. You are so fucking awesome.''
''Never have sex?'' It escapes.
Jane snorts. ''Out of all that, you picked that one?''
''I... No. I heard you. I did... I did. You mean that don't you. You'd never have sex with me without a relationship involved. You wouldn't just come to me for sex.'' Words are exhales.
''No... Sex with you... is gonna be more than just one night. Oh god. I can't believe I sound that soppy... Oh well. Making love with you Maura, scares me half to death. Not because of the whole female thing either, which surprises the hell out of me. But it isn't. I have never felt anything like this in my entire life, want someone as much as I do you. Just a look from you gets me so twisted inside I have to think of baseball. So yes, I will wait and if it neverrrrrrrrrrrr happens it won't break me. Because as long as I'm with you, it will be enough. I want to be with you.''
''Baseball?'' She smirks. It has always amused her someone as confident and outward as Jane turning into a blushing teenager at the mere mention of sex.
Jane wipes a hand down her face. ''You're really only picking certain words to focus on and yes baseball.''
''Pythagoras.''
''Pie what now?''
Suddenly she feels shy. Which never happens when it comes to talking about sex and what it does to her. ''When you have aroused me beyond my control. I go through the teachings of Pythagoras.''
This time it's Jane who smirks. ''All righty then.''
They both laugh.
''So, do you get it now? I am never gonna leave and just come back for sex. Not gonna leave period. Unless you send me away. You hear me?''
''I hear you.''
Jane slumps back, laughing. ''About damn time, Maur.''
She pauses, taking it all in. It was never her. She's not sure if that will ever settle truly within her. But she believes it for now. She plays with Jane's fingers. ''You've never really felt like this before?''
''Never ever. Blows my mind what I feel for you.''
She smiles. ''Everything about you blows my mind, literally, I'm speechless most of the time around you.'' She squeaks as she is suddenly moving upward and along as Jane pulls her full force up to lay on top of her.
''Thank god, thank fucking god.''
She can't even tut at the swear word. She is thinking exactly the same thing. She hugs Jane back, laughing. She shifts, getting as comfortable as possible. Laying her head down, breathing deeply.
''I stink of scotch don't I?''
She rubs her nose in Jane's shirt, not really caring. She can still smell Jane's scents underneath it. ''Yes.''
''And they say romance is dead. I'm wearing perfume worth five grand made by elves.''
She laughs again. She is aching with it, this bliss. She cuddles closer. Like a puppy seeking heat, if evolution had given her a tail, she would be wagging it. ''I've never just done this.''
''Done what?''
''Cuddling. I didn't think you'd be the type either?'' She waits, glancing up.
''Ewww. We are not cuddling.''
''We're not?'' The laugh so wants out.
''Nope.''
''So what are we doing?''
''Body warmth against Hypothermia.''
She lifts her head, staring. Fingers playing with one of Jane's shirt buttons. ''Really? In this climate?''
''Sneaks up on you.''
The laugh tickles through her. ''You're not totally sober yet are you?''
''Nope. Still sizzled... But I heard everything you said and I'm going to remember it tomorrow... You still scared?''
She lays her head down again. ''Not as much. I'm going through everything and the last five months have been...''
''Shit loads of crap.''
The held in laugh makes her bounce as it escapes. ''Yes.'' A tap on her head makes her look up.
''I love you, Maura. I honestly do.''
It's a caught bird in her chest, fluttering for freedom. So at last she gives it flight. She shifts up. ''I love you too, so much, so very very much.''
Jane eyebrow raises. ''Very... Very?''
She ducks her head, smiling into the shirt. ''Very, very.''
''One very wouldn't do it?''
She loves Jane's teasing. ''No. Needed the two... '' She looks up again. ''I love this with you... I have missed it.''
''Me too and this is nice... Oh god. I said nice.''
''There is nothing wrong with the word nice. It means more than what you seem to think it does. Giving pleasure or satisfaction; pleasant or attractive. Enjoyable, pleasant pleasurable, agreeable, delightful, satisfying, gratifying, acceptable, to one's liking, entertaining, amusing, marvellous, good...''
''Okay... okay, I get it. Nice is a great word. God, I love it when you do that. Just love it.''
''You do?'' No one, but no one has ever liked this part of her.
''Hello, weren't you listening. Yes, all of you and especially when you go dictionary corner on me... I'm gonna sell tickets, make a fortune, pay for that scotch in one swift move.''
''I have my uses it seems.'' She chuckles, laying her head back down.
''I not gonna kiss you, Maur.''
Her head shoots up, eyes widening. ''What! Never?''
Jane laugh is fast, loud, her whole body rippling. So much so the movement is bouncing her.
''God... I meant not now, not now. Not never...I stink and taste of scotch. Not now...''
''Oh.'' Her body collapse in relief. Still jostled by the laugh Jane is continuing. She lays her ear to Jane's chest, listening to the joyous sound.
''You crack me up.''
''So it would seem.'' But she's smiling.
''Really worried you, huh?''
''Yes. I like sex. I like sex a lot... Sex with you I cannot wait to do. So yes, it worried me.'' The laughter has stilled, she glances up. Jane's face is flushed, eyes dark. Her own body responses instantly. It's a flash of heat between them.
Jane clears her throat. ''I said kiss, not sex. Never mind... I will kiss you tomorrow. After I brushed my teeth the full recommended time.''
Lightening in a bottle. That is what they have. Jane should sell that, she could buy crate loads of scotch. ''I look forward to it.''
Jane starts twisting a curl of her hair. She has to bite her lip not to mention sexual frustration.
''I never really wanted things before.''
''Things?'' She's relaxes again. Ignoring her bodies needs. She wants this, this is what she needs more.
''Yeah. Someone. Always saw it as having to deal, share. Sharing not my thing.''
''You... you didn't share with Casey?'' Her question is tentative, not really wanting to know if the answer is yes.
Jane's sigh is long. ''No... I always wanted to go home. Never wanted to stay, needed my stuff, my space.''
''Oh.'' She listens to Jane's heart beat. The sentiment that this is only with her, settling like a blanket.
''I don't' like space from you. I mean, I like staying with you...I don't mean in a 'U' haul way.''
''U haul?'' She frowns.
Jane snorts. ''Yeah, kind of a lesbian joke. You know like, they meet, fall in bed, get a cat, move in together in the first week.''
She frowns more. ''A cat? Why would they need a cat?''
Jane shrugs. ''No clue. It's just a saying. You know meaning moving into together real quick.''
''Oh. I see. Then yes I understand what you're saying.'' Her mouth twitches. ''Will we be getting a cat?''
Jane half sits. ''What? No. It would eat Joe... and Bass would probably get a hairball.''
She chuckles, resting back as Jane lays down again. Wondering if Jane even realises she has just put their two households together in one. U haul. She bites her lip.
''Maur, The future. Scary shit like that. I want it with you.''
She lifts her head, meeting the unsure eyes. Even now Jane is not sure of her. She smiles. ''I want it with you too.''
Jane relaxes beneath her. ''So, how you doing now?''
She laughs with it. ''Terrified. But I'm not running.''
''Good, same here.''
They laugh again. It tapers off. The feel of Jane is lulling, safety, calm. She moves her hand across Jane's stomach, resting it. She watches as Jane's hand covers hers, pressing. The scar. She inhales sharply.
''The day I did this.''
She holds her breath.
''You saved me.''
She turns her face into Jane's shirt, closing her eyes. She doesn't want this memory back. ''Don't.''
''Please, Maur, please just listen. I've wanted to tell you this for such a long time... Please.''
She sucks in air, nods. But she still can't look.
''You saved me and I don't mean when you got to me after I shot myself.''
That makes her come out from hiding. ''You don't?''
''No. Since the day I started working with you. I listened. I mean not to every little thing. But the important stuff. Every autopsy, everything you've pointed out. I listen.''
Jane's finger curl over her hand, lifting it, moving it upward.
''Liver.''
Her hand is moved.
''Spleen.''
She watches in fascination as her hand is moved again, down to the left.
''Heart.''
Moved up.
''Lungs.''
Downward, left then quickly right. She sucks in air, realising what Jane is doing.
''Kidneys.''
Centre.
''Stomach.''
Across. Down.
''Pancreas.''
She looks up in wonder. Jane is correctly identifying every position of the organs she is naming. Her hand is moved back to near the scar.
''Intestines...'' Down an inch. ''….. Lower intestines.''
Her hand stops on the scar again. Jane releases her hold, palm now completely covering her smaller hand. Holding it there. She can feel the heat of both.
''I had to shoot, I really didn't have a choice, not with Frankie like that. I remembered everything you said about the body. So I chose here, where I would cause the least amount of damage, no major organs... I didn't want to die, Maura. I know a lot of people think I have a death wish and I don't give a shit about my life, but I do. I didn't want to die. You... you saved me, without you I would never have known where to aim for. Just my luck it nicked the spleen. Didn't factor in the recoil or the bullet doing a dance around.''
She blinks, the words fluttering around in her head. The day, the sounds, there was a bird singing, she isn't sure what kind, but when the gun shot went off it went silent, everything went silent. Just sight, the sight of Jane falling... and blood.
''Hey... No bad thoughts. Don't go back there. I didn't mean to upset you. I'm here.''
She blinks again, vision coming back. ''I saved you?''
Jane nods. ''Yeah. You.''
She surges upward, engulfing Jane in a hug so great Jane squeaks with it. ''I'm so, so, so glad you didn't die.''
''Me too.''
She squeezes tighter, feeling Jane's jugular thumping against her cheek. ''and I'm so, so, so glad you actually listened.''
Jane laughs in her ear. ''Me, too.''
Jane's arms hold her tightly. The air trapped, but she doesn't care. She gives into this. This need, she isn't going to fight it. Run from it... She rests her cheek on Jane's clavicle. Smiling when she feels Jane rub circles on her back. It suddenly stops.
''I know I'm reckless, Maur. I know I take chances. I've paid for them believe me.''
She feels Jane's hand flex on her back. She tighten her hold on Jane's shirt in response to the distress.
''... I can't promise something won't happen to me out there. Things get out of control fast.''
Her heart rate increases at just the thought. She hugs tighter. Jane hand rubs soothing circles again.
''But what I can promise. I will not do anything unbelievably stupid and take as much care as I can, to come back to you.''
Tears come easily this time, not ones of betrayal, no anguished hurt. Tears, cleansing. ''I believe you.''
''Thank you.''
She tilts her head up, seeing the same tears in Jane. She smiles as Jane lets out a yawn, it almost has her ducking her head back down to avoid the smell of scotch. They lay, just being, breathing, enjoying this peace, this comfort.
''Maur.''
''Hmmmmmm.''
''I gonna fall sleep. Caffeine not workee no more.''
Her own eyelids are already closing. ''Okay,''
There is only sounds, breathing, heart beats. The sea in the distance.
''Did it really cost five grand?''
Her mouth twitches a lazy smile. ''Yes.''
''Damn. Second most expensive thing I've tasted.''
Her eyes flicker open, rolling upward to try to focus beyond Jane's chin. ''Second? What was the first?''
Jane lifts her head enough to look down at her, a smirk on her lips. ''You.''
The blush starts at her feet and continues upward, like a surging firework display. ''Oh.''
Jane's chuckle, rumbles. ''Pythagoras, Maur. Pythagoras.''
She laughs, still blushing. Slapping a pathetic slap onto Jane's stomach. ''Shut up.''
Jane's chuckle increases. Slapping her playfully back. ''You shut up.''
They dissolve into a fit of giggles.
''Shit... I'm giggling.''
She can only nod, mirth dancing a Tchaikovsky ballet in her chest. Sleeping beauty awakens... This is wonderful, beautiful, amazing. Half awake and she has never felt more alive.
''Damn. I know why I'm giggling, I'm wasted. Why are you?''
She looks up. ''I'm drunk on you.''
Jane's mouth forms the perfect O. The wonderment in dark eyes make her feel like a queen. She's made Jane speechless, her. Put that look there... She can do this. ''Jane?''
''Hmmmmmm?''
She tugs on Jane's shirt for attention. ''Jane.''
Jane eyes drop to look. ''Huh?''
She bites her lip on a laugh. ''I love you.''
Jane's gaze explodes with light, twinkling and the smile breaks open the world.
''Love you too. Maur.''
She grins as Jane pulls her closer. Feeling a kiss to the top of her head.
''Now, let me sleep woman.''
She snorts a laugh into Jane's shirt. Head returning to rest. Listening, listening as Jane breathing calms, tempo of heart slowing. Her own breathing evening out. She is happy, content, loved. She is loved... Eyes finally close.
Smiling, smiling, smiling. She sleeps.
TBC
Newtons third law. Action and reaction. For every action there is an equal and opposite re-action.
This means that for every force there is a reaction force that is equal in size, but opposite in direction. That is to say that whenever an object pushes another object it gets pushed back in the opposite direction equally hard.
A/N.
Hello there, as always thank you all. I really mean that. This has been a journey I have really loved being on with you. My pm has been a pain in asphalt the last week. So has most of the site actually. But if I missed sending you a reply back to a review left, please except my apologises, I did press send. Just in case, I thank you here. I also thank the elves in Scotland. Hee hee.
The wolf story is mine. Although the idea did come from an article I read many years ago about animals who were born, or kept from a young age in captivity. When released suffer from something very similar to my wolf, until they can adapt, some are totally unable to do so. There is an orang-utan sanctuary set up for just this purpose, to re-educate them back to the wild. I don't off hand know the name of it, or where. But if you google I'm sure you can find it.
Tc x