Chapter 3 – Between the Bars

So, now you can see the direction I am moving in, one of my main assumptions is the big what if, what if Derek took control of his life after the bomb went off - what if he made those changes in his life because he went to her house that night and had to see if Meredith was okay, what if he owned up to his fate or his feelings? My theory is already at play in this story so if something seems confusing from time to time, it is probably by design and you will probably figure it out at some point, which is good, lol. And yes, I am being elusive on purpose with that part.

Elliot Smith was a very talented singer-song-writer. His songs have been featured in some movies, most notably for "Good Will Hunting" and I love his stuff. He died via his own hand several years ago. The song is soulful and a lot happens in this chapter, so take a listen wherever you can. I would normally post a youtube link here, but I'm not sure if hyperlinks are permitted on this site.

Thanks for the comments.

Lyrics: Elliot Smith's "Between the Bars":

Drink up baby
Stay up all night
With the things you could do
You won't but you might
The potential you'll be
But you'll never see
The promises you'll only make
Drink up with me now
And forget all about
The pressure of days
Do what I say
And I'll make you okay
Drive them away
The images stuck in your head
People you've been before
That you don't want around anymore
That push and shove and won't bend to your will
I'll keep them still
Drink up baby
Look at the stars
I'll kiss you again
Between the bars
Where I'm seeing you there
With your hands in the air
Waiting to finally be caught
Drink up one more time
And I'll make you mine
Keep you apart
Deep in my heart
Separate from the rest
Where I like you the best
And keep the things you forgot
The people you've been before
That you don't want around anymore
That push and shove and won't bend to your will
I'll keep them still

Chapter 3 – Between the Bars – Part 1 of 3

I closed the outer doors to the nursing home and thought with certainty I was gonna to throw up. What the fuck was going on? My mother had an affair … Oh. My. God … I could barely stand it and I don't even know how to process the mess of it all, it's like information overload. And the thing is, I don't know my father, so I don't know how their marriage was, but obviously it was unhappy enough if my mother had to seek another relationship.

I'm sick. I'm … I don't even know what I am anymore … I can't think straight. I need a stiff drink, either that or a killer surgery, anything to take my mind off of my mother's secrets.

All this time, well for my whole cognitive existence, I thought he left us, which technically he did. But now I can see that he would have had a reason for it. A reason to leave her – not me of course – he still should have been man enough to hang around for me. Except that I do know my mother and she can be polarizing to an unmanageable degree. I mean just look at me now, with no one else around to care for her except for me, I would laugh if I wasn't so completely horrified.

I walked to my truck, the cool morning air felt good on my skin and refreshed my lungs as I took a couple of deep breaths. My racing heart began to slow to a more normal rhythmic rate. I got in and started the truck, but waited a second before pulling away from the curb. Was this some kind of sick, twisted joke? I wasn't kidding before when I told my mother I was exhausted, the last several months have been exhausting for me, balancing the whole "outwardly I am fine, inwardly I am disintegrating" thing has been tiring, but to add this, it's almost too much!

I pulled away from the curb and into traffic and headed to the hospital. It had been a couple weeks since "the incident" and things had returned to quasi-normal. Derek and I were still in our weird limbo thing, except he had begun to talk to Addison about the status of their relationship and thankfully he had tried to keep me out of it. Even if he and I and Addison and the rest of the free fucking world knew his feelings for me were the catalyst for all that was going on, I just didn't care, well I cared, I just didn't want to be intimately involved in the end of their marriage.

All I really cared about was Derek. In this whole mess, all I really cared about was him. His happiness was worth every bit of heartache from those gossip mongers that fed the hospital. The truth was I had done nothing with malice or malcontent; I had done nothing but to fall in love with the right man at the wrong time. Timing, it can be a bitch but I think Derek is working on that … to get us to the right place at the right time, I'm doing my part too; I'm trying to just go with it and trust him.

I walked into the hospital, today was my late start day, but I was secretly cursing that now as I had my mother's sexual innuendos – "purring like a kitten and growling like a tiger" – running circles in my brain.

Someone, make it stop, for the love of everything sacred, my head still swimming, I wonder if she hadn't gotten sick … I wonder if I would have ever found out about her affair. I really need that drink, or a killer surgery, yeah; whatever comes first, sign me up.

I sighed, my mind working in circles, she had to have been seeing someone at the hospital, she said something about the on-call room; maybe I'll ask the Chief if he knows anything, or maybe not. Shit, I guess things weren't that different back then from how they are today and in my case on so many levels, it was all just too ridiculous to ponder.

I went to the locker room to change into scrubs and on my way out I spotted Bailey walking away from the surgical board, probably just checking on things; after all she was the eyes and ears of this place, even if she was on maternity leave. Derek had said Tucker was being released any day now, which of course was great news, really the whole thing, "the incident" seemed so out of bounds, it was hard to believe it happened at all. I smiled as she entered Tucker's room at the end of the hallway. The thing about Dr. Bailey was that even though for the most part she petrified me, I was actually looking forward to seeing her and working with her again. Over the last several months, she was the one person who remained consistent in my life – she was someone who wouldn't shock or disappoint or surprise me – she was even and predictable (albeit terrifying) and I'll be honest, she was exactly what I needed most days.

"Bailey's back," Cristina said, her voice laced with satisfaction. "Even though she's not working, order has been restored," she finished as she walked up behind me. I turned to her.

"Yeah, it is, is it crazy that it makes me feel better? Like things are getting back to "normal", whatever that is or was, everything is so different, isn't it?" I asked her, even though I felt a little doe-eyed saying that to her.

"No. Meredith," she chastised me, her worried eyes looked tired, I could tell my friend was not happy. "Nothing is different, we are still pond scum around here, we are still interns, we will have no time to ourselves, everything is the same!" she exclaimed.

"You know, I wasn't exactly talking about work-stuff, I was talking about life-stuff, kind of like moving in with your boyfriend but keeping your own apartment kind of life-stuff," I raised my eyebrow to her, she just didn't get it, I loved her, but most of the time Cristina was on auto-pilot.

"Yeah, well you were right about that, my secret is out, Burke knows Meredith," she said evenly, but I could tell she was going to blow.

"About the apartment, you told him?" I asked, inwardly shocked.

"Um, no, it doesn't matter how he found out, the point is, he knows and now, whatever, he's treating me like I'm some kind of criminal!"

"You should have said you weren't ready, you should try to be honest with him, if he loves you, he should, you know, get you or at least know you, I mean if you want to go all the way, you should demand it actually, that he really know you and love you for you," I challenged her against my better judgment.

"Okay, who are you and what have you done with my person?" she questioned me.

"Cristina look, you just need to deal with it – your feelings for Burke – I mean that's all there is to it, otherwise you'll just always live in this limbo thing, and then you'll never progress or move forward or –"

"If you say fall in love with him and marry him and make babies with him then I'm gonna puke – no first we're taking an express elevator up to psych and then I'm going to puke – seriously Meredith, what in the hell has happened to you?" she hissed, things were getting heated.

"I'm living, I mean, I was always living, but now, you know, I'm over all the angst, Dylan blew up for me, it's the least I can do. I have to go after what I want and what I want is De –" I stopped myself then because, I just knew where this was headed and Cristina would not be able to handle what I was going to say, she wouldn't get it.

Cristina abruptly took my arm and led me down the hallway to an empty waiting room. I felt like a toddler in trouble. She hissed into my ear. "Meredith, it was Dylan's fucking job to protect you! He didn't die because of you or in spite of you, you don't owe him and yeah, limbo sucks, but it might be all you have, you don't owe anyone anything, you certainly don't owe a second chance to McDreamy!"

I flinched, she was so far off the mark, she really had no clue! "You're wrong; I owe it to myself to see this thing through! I heaved. "I mean, this is my life we're talking about, I don't want to wallow in self-pity anymore! I want to live, fall in love, be the one to beat and go for the brass fucking ring!" I shouted.

My chest heaved with new passion as I tried to quell my shaking body, but my fury at her censure only grew stronger ... I still had more in me, I had more to say, and it was probably more damaging than I could imagine, unless Cristina woke up and actually listened to me – which was doubtful – but that's what this second chance thing was about, challenging myself, going after what I want out of life and what I wanted right now was everything.

"I want it all, Cristina, I do, and no one's gonna stop me!" I shrieked, keeping my eyes trained on her empty ones. I took another deep breath, just trying to calm the raging storm brewing in my soul, but nothing was working, my heart rate and blood pressure shot through the roof and I could feel myself boiling over in pent up rage and frustration at her immaturity and dogmatic viewpoints, I was so mad I looked her square in the eyes, "I love you Cristina, I do – but not even you can stop me from going after this – and I mean it, not even you," I said evenly, my chest heaving with relief and fear, the hummingbirds returned to my chest in full force, thump, thump, thump.

"Meredith, he's married and you cannot have everything all at the same time! Life just doesn't work that way … and it's an impossible dream to chase! He's not gonna give you what you want, he's full of false promises and false starts, it's over, so fucking over, remember?" she hissed.

She stared me down; sparing me, challenging me to a dual … what was she waiting for? What was she really thinking? Because suddenly, suddenly we weren't talking about me anymore …suddenly it was all so clear.

"Meredith, yes you survived, but now you have to go into protection mode, you can't trust him, he'll try to change you, he'll make you regret it, you can't allow him to rule over you, if you really want to live again, you can do this second chance thing by yourself! You don't need someone, you don't need him! You think you have clarity, but you don't, he's the same Derek who lied to you, he's no different!" she bellowed, her chest rising and falling from the delivery of her one-sided debate.

"He may not be different, but I am, Cristina, I am! And you know what, fine don't trust Burke to love you, don't go there and go into "protection mode", go build a fucking wall for all I care … that may be fine for you …," I could only look at her then, there was little else to say. "It may be fine for you, but it's not nearly good enough for me," I softened my voice because I saw her mind starting to absorb where I was headed, I put my hand on her shoulder and sat her down next to me.

"Look, I think things are going to change, I really do. I can't explain it and clearly you wouldn't understand where I am coming from because you aren't willing to give Burke even a first chance, and you know what, he deserves one," she stared at me in abject horror, but I could give a damn at this point. "Go ahead, raise an eyebrow, but you and I both know he's an honorable guy. And he thinks you want the same things as he does because you've never said otherwise and deep down, you do, you want it all Cristina, but you're just scared to admit it," I said, pressing my hand on her forearm.

And then I stood up and walked away from her because I couldn't handle what was happening. I was right, things were changing, changing for the good, she should open her eyes and then she would see more clearly. Burke was just trying to move things forward – he wasn't hiding a wife – he wasn't even asking her to be his wife, yet.

Cristina could have it all and she was tossing it away just to be an auto-pilot. But I had hope that maybe she heard me just now, that maybe she was gonna do something. I had hope for her, for both of us to go after our happy endings and live out our dreams and for some reason I also believed it shouldn't take putting your hand on a fucking bomb to figure this all out! Somehow we have to be able to overcome our fears, take risks, calculated risks, to achieve desired outcomes, how can you do that if you're on auto-pilot?

I mean for crying out loud, we're supposed to be the jocks of medicine, a fact she is well aware of, with God-complexes no less! If we all can't go after what we want personally, then how the hell are we going to become ballsy surgeons? If I was gonna use this second chance then I was committing myself to trying this thing with Derek, because I loved him once, very much, and deep down I know I still do. I can deny it all I want, but the fact remains, I want him and no one else.

And I know this because there's this invisible line that connects the two of us, this whole time we were apart, we were still infinity connected …we just needed to wait for the timing … I had hope … that the timing would work out ... and soon, before I lost my nerve.

I had hope, but only time would tell.

Chapter 3 – Between the Bars – Part 2 of 3 to follow.