GARY
Gramps sent me this today. Wants me to write in it. I don't have anything better to do, so I'm doing it. I don't like doing it, but it's better than doing nothing. It's too late to train. I don't want to wake my pokémon, but I can't get to sleep. It's got to be at least twelve, judging by the position of the stars and moon and the sun and all that junk. I'm real good with stars. Best way to navigate. Technology might be more accurate, but batteries die. Things get wet or banged up. Then they die on you.
It's really annoying when things die on you. Really annoying. I'd have to say it's one of the worst things in the world. Happened to me once. I was using it as a crutch, didn't want to use the stars like Gramps said, because they had all this GPS stuff available. And then it went and died on me. Should have known to always have a back-up plan. Should have known to have both the tech for when it's cloudy, and the stars for when it breaks – they always break, no matter how good the company says the stuff is – so I'll always have something to fall back on. I don't need Gramps to tell me that. I know.
It's nights like these that I can't help but wonder what I'm going here. I don't like traveling. I don't like the bugs and the cold and the rain. I love pokémon. I love winning. I love being with them, but I wish the gyms could come to me. I really love the feeling, when you figure it all at, like solving a puzzle. I get that all the time during battling, and when I figure out what my pokémon like to eat. And when I figure out how to navigate by the stars and all that. These are things that you can't go to the web and look up the answers. You have to figure them out yourself. I love doing that. I don't know how anyone couldn't. It's the best feeling in the world.
At least, I think it's the best feeling in the world.
Ash has this weird obsession though. Every time I talk to him, every time I see him, he's obsessed with his pokémon. I mean, he's not even into them because they can battle or because they're interesting or anything. He acts like the stupid pokémon are his only friends! I know they're not. He's got Brock, the gym leader I beat with Squirtle and Misty, who Daisy asked me if I saw after I won the gym badge. Guess she ran away to join Ash. Ran away from a gym! Jees, Ash, what more could you ask for? What are you focusing all your attention on pokémon when you've got such great friends? If I had friends like that, I sure wouldn't be relying on pokémon as my only friends. Mew, they aren't people! They're just creatures!
They are just creatures, aren't they? I mean, that's what I was told. That's what my dad told me. They're only creatures. You have to treat them right and raise them right and work with them, but they're not people. You don't have friendships with them. They're coworkers. If you think of them as anything more you won't be able to battle. You won't be able to watch your friend get hurt. It gets too painful and you just can't put up with it. And if I grow too close, I'll start losing like with Giovanni or at the stupid League because them getting hurt is so distracting.
I hate Ash Ketchum.
I bet everyone does, secretly. They don't tell him, but they do. I know I do. How can you not hate him? He's like this stupid little ball of sunshine, constantly after attention and happiness and rainbows all around. He's not even that good. I've beat him every other time except for today. He's not ever supposed to defeat me. I mean, he's just not. And he can't do it, either. He sucks at it. I almost feel bad for him, you know? Because he sucks at it so much. It's hard not to feel bad for someone when every time you fight them their stupid little Pikachu gets pummeled into the ground even though it won't stop standing up no matter how hard you hit it.
Every time I called up a gym leader, it's nothing but compliments. Isn't Ash great? Isn't Ash clever? Want to hear how he won at my gym? You'll love the story, promise. He's just so creative. Yeah, yeah, I know he's creative, but that doesn't mean power. That doesn't mean he's good at it, does it? No. He just uses weird strategies and nobody has any idea on how you're supposed to respond to that. He's just being tricky! It's not because he's great or awesome or perfect, but that's all you ever hear. I'm better than him! I win more! Why is he so special?
I can't understand it. He gets so many friends! Why is he so attached to the stupid things when he has friends? He's got friends and all he can think about is his stupid pokémon! All I have are stupid cheerleaders and that's it. You've got friends and you don't do anything with them? They'll travel! None of the people I try to make friends with like to travel. They're too freaking smart to sit out in the woods all night. Not even for one night.
Am I too smart for all this too? Maybe that's why I hate sleeping out here. I could be safe and warm in a motel, but I'm sleeping here. Without my car or my cheerleaders. Just me and Umbreon and my other pokémon and this stupid diary and my stupid thoughts and it's all because of my stupid grandfather because he's a crazy old idiot who loves to torture me. He does love to torture me, too. He's a real jerk sometimes. I mean, he's still Gramps and he's not an all around bad guy, but there are days that he just really sucks.
I mean, he chuckles every time I try to tell him about this stuff! He says that I don't talk like a trainer, that Ash talks like a trainer. But I am a trainer! And I'm a real good one too! I don't know why he would think it's funny. I'm having a major crisis! I want to be a trainer, I want to work with pokémon, yet something still seems off and I can't figure out why. It's so annoying that Gramps doesn't even seem to care about my problem! I just can't get why he would laugh and shake his head and then refuse to tell me what's going on.
It can't be that I think I'm failing. Sure, I've lost one or two matches, but that doesn't change that I'm doing awesome. I've got all my badges, made it into the Indigo League, I have a nearly perfect track record. My pokémon are always great, they like me too, so it's not like there's some kind of bad tension between us. Everything should be perfect. Everything should be right, but it's not. I can't understand it anymore than I get why writing in this stupid diary is supposed to help. Gee, Gramps, thanks a lot for the stupid blank book.
Really, it would have been more helpful if he had gotten one of those stupid self help books, you know, not even the good ones, but the ones that just give really stupid tips. Keep your head up! Don't kill kittens! and millions of other obvious tips. But no. Not even that. He gives me a blank book. Says I'm supposed to take notes. He says this might help a bit. I don't know how that's going to help. If I knew what was wrong, I would have figured it out already! But I don't know so a stupid blank book can't help me, no matter how long I write in it.
Gramps. He's the problem in all this. He knows what's wrong, he knows what I'm going through and he won't tell me what it is. Why would he do that? Gramps is my grandfather. He's like my dad. He's the only adult I'm close to. I thought I could trust him with everything, and he had always told me that he'd be there for me, that he'd always take care of me. Where'd that Gramps go? Now I'm stuck with a stupid book and this really bad feeling in my stomach and hating myself because it's probably really obvious and I can't figure it out.
Please, Gramps, why are you doing this to me? I hate you so much! I don't know what I want anymore! All I want is to figure out what's going on. What could be going wrong? Am I sick? Depressed? Just angry because I'm hitting puberty or something? I don't understand. I love pokémon. I don't want to stop training or learning about them. I don't want this to end. I want to stick with my pokémon, to take care of them and all of that.
I want to keep learning. Why are ghost types strong against psychic types? Why would an eevee evolve through friendships? How do pokémon that evolve through friendship evolve in the wild, as they often do? Is having friends, even if they're pokémon, enough? There's so many questions, and I don't want to give up never knowing their answer! I want to learn all about pokémon and raise them and take care of them and learn what makes them battle well and what makes them battle badly and how everything works, even if I have to spend my whole life studying them!
Duh.
I hate you, Gramps.
I know it's short, but I really liked this one! XD
A special thanks to Tomoyo Kinomoto for suggesting this!