Author's Note: Here's where the heavy duty angst comes, first with Kenshin and the next chapter with Kaoru. And fair warning, if the way Kenshin is portrayed upsets anyone, this is an A/U story and he's grieving the way men grieve by burying themselves in sex and liquor so he's OOC---besides nobody knows how he dealt with Tomoe's death, in the OVA he just walks away after setting their house on fire. And I want to give a very special thanks to Skenshingumi for all the lovely and constructive reviews of my body of RK fanfiction. It brought great joy to my heart to open my e-mail and find it full of your reviews so I hope this chapter meets your expectations and shows Kenshin's grief in a tangible way. And a huge thanks to all my other faithful reviewers and the readers.

CHAPTER 4... COLOR STUDY….SHADOWS---- KENSHIN

A week passed, two, then three as life undoubtedly went on regardless of what traumas have taken place in people's lives. The student body of the university was deep into the studies of the spring semester, as mid-terms and spring break loomed and so everyone was busy hitting the books, including Sagara Sanosuke who was cramming at the library with his girlfriend, Takani Megumi, an honors pre-med major. She was an exceptional student with a flawless 4.00 grade point average and had a diligence at her study habits that was rubbing off on her rather easygoing beau. This day found the both of them deep into the books in a secluded corner of the library.

Sano was totally absorbed by the view of Megumi as she was pouring over her anatomy text and writing notes as he feigned interest in his own Advanced Literature notes. Megumi, always sharp glanced up from her studies and caught his warm umber eyes perusing her lazily.

She admonished in a whisper, "You're never going to pass your midterms if you spend all your study time gawking at me."

He grinned and favored her with a wink. "I can't help it, I'm just enjoying the view."

Megumi sniffed but blushed in pleasure as she retorted, "You're incorrigible, tori-atama. You keep this up and you'll flunk out."

Sano's grin faded as he thought of his roommate and best friend. "Iie, I won't but I'm not so sure about Kenshin. He's definitely not himself."

Megumi opened her mouth to reply but the librarian, a strict military type older woman with an iron gray bun glared and shushed at them with a scowl on her mawkish visage. The pretty pre-med student smiled a charming apology at her while Sano smirked and shrugged so satisfied, the librarian took her leave.

"What a grouch! We weren't that loud," he protested watching the warden march away.

Megumi shot him a sour look as she said in a harsh whisper, "We shouldn't have been talking at all. We came here to study."

Sano had the grace to appear sorry. Sighing, he slammed his book and notebook shut as he hissed, "I can't concentrate."

Megumi sniffed, "You would if you paid more attention to your books and less attention toward me."

Sano threw her a roguish grin. "C'mon, let's split over to the CU. I'm hungry." He stood up gathering his books as Megumi sighed resignedly.

"All right." She rose, picked up her books and followed. . . .

A few minutes later, the couple was sitting in the college union, sharing a sandwich and continuing their conversation as the place was busy as usual, with the speakers playing some Pink Floyd. Megumi took another bite of Sanosuke's tuna sub as she made her inquiry.

"So you really think Ken-san's going to flunk out, huh?"

Sano nodded, his mouth full after a bite of sandwich. He swallowed and replied, "Yeah, he's been blowing off classes since Tomoe's memorial and getting crocked every night."

Megumi's sherry eyes widened as she exclaimed, "I don't believe it! Ken-san was always so studious. His courses are very important to him."

Sanosuke finished chewing and swallowed as he answered, "They were. He's really taken Tomoe's death hard though. No matter what I say, he's got himself convinced that it was his fault they crashed and she died. And her kid brother bailing the way he did has just made him even more so." He reached over to offer her another bite.

Shaking her head, Megumi refused as she said, "He shouldn't think that way. He wasn't at fault, it was an accident."

"True, but you know Kenshin. He's so torn up inside about losing Tomoe, he refuses to do anything but sleep and drink. He's barely eaten a thing and he's been going out and coming home in the wee hours usually with some chick he's picked up."

Megumi was incredulous as she expostulated, "You're putting me on! Ken-san is not that kind of man, he does not sleep around."

Sano said solemnly, "Men do strange things when we're in pain, kitsune. And Kenshin's no different. I just wish---," he left it trailing as he suddenly thought of Kaoru and how Kenshin had been ignoring her calls.

"What?"

Sano shook his head. "Nothing." He finished the sandwich and then rose as he said, "C'mon, let's head back to my place."

Megumi nodded and followed. . .

In the townhouse apartment, the shade in the large picture window was still drawn, effectively blocking out the bright afternoon sun, keeping the dwelling dark. The place was as still as a tomb, with no sign of life whatsoever. Down the hallway there was two doors to the two bedrooms, one door open which was Sano's and the room empty, the other door to Kenshin's room closed.

Inside the closed portal on the full sized bed, a blanket covered lump barely moved as the only sound in the room was of soft breathing indicating that Kenshin was still in deep slumber. He lay with his titian head partially covered and stretched as he gradually came into consciousness, his head pounding with the typical hangover from a night of drinking. Groaning, he painfully sat up and held his head as he forced himself to awareness still numb from the heavy drinking of the night before.

On the other side of the bed, another lump stirred as a young woman named Shura yawned and called in a sleepy alto, "Himura?"

Kenshin lifted his head slowly and turned to see the girl smile and greet him as she sat up and leaned in for a kiss. He grimaced and recoiled, causing her to pout.

"Well, good morning to you too," she said in a snippy tone, miffed.

He sighed and apologized, "I'm sorry. I'm not awake yet and my head is killing me." He swung his legs over the side and sat on the edge of the bed to try to get his bearings.

She said matter-of-factly, "Well, that's what you get for mixing beer with shots of sake. I can't mix and I guess you shouldn't either."

Kenshin groaned, "Could you please can the lecture?" He reached down on the floor for his shorts to put on.

"Well," she humphed and reached for her own clothes. She dressed quickly as he began donning a pair of jeans and both were silent as the previous evening activity was forgotten.

Shura sat on the edge of the bed, slipping her shoes on. Fully dressed, she then stood up and approached Kenshin as he was gripping the back of a chair and leaning over hanging his head as if in intense pain, his long locks veiling his face. She reached to grasp his shoulders and was dismayed as he flinched and moved away.

Shura sighed as she said, "Give me a call later, okay?"

Kenshin just nodded as she sighed again and turned to the door. She opened it and walked out just as the front door opened and Sanosuke and Megumi came into the apartment. Both stood and stared at Shura as she made her way into the living room.

She glanced at the couple as she reached in her jeans pocket for a piece of paper. Handing it to Sanosuke she said, "There's my number. Give it to him."

Sano nodded as she slipped past him and let herself out. Glancing at his girlfriend he said, "Well, guess I'll just file this with the others." He put the scrap of paper in the trash.

Megumi stated archly, "She asked you to give that to Ken-san."

"I know. But believe me, I just saved him the trouble since that's what he's done with the other chicks' phone numbers," Sano reasoned as Kenshin's bedroom door opened.

A sound of footsteps padded down the hall and into the bathroom punctuated by the door firmly closing, indicating that Sano's roommate had joined the land of the living once more. He glanced at Megumi as he reached over to open the shade to let the daylight in.

The muffled flush of the toilet was heard then the bathroom door opened and Kenshin emerged bare-chested, clad only in a pair of faded jeans. Oblivious to his surroundings, he strode over to the refrigerator, opened the door and took out a beer. The door closed, he opened the beer and drank down half of it, breathing deeply as he leaned against the sink, holding the cold bottle to his throbbing forehead.

Sano glanced at Megumi and then stepped into the kitchen area. "A little hair of the dog, eh buddy?"

With eyes closed, Kenshin ignored his friend as he tipped the bottle again and downed a healthy draught, nearly finishing the bottle. He belched and then cracked open his bloodshot eyes as he focused on Sanosuke.

"You finished studying?" Kenshin asked as he finished his beer and tossed the dead soldier in the trash. He reached into the refrigerator for another.

Megumi joined Sano as she asked in concern, "Ken-san, have you eaten anything at all?"

Kenshin took a deep swallow, grimaced and replied, "Onegai, don't mention food. Even the thought of it makes me want to hurl."

She sniffed, "Small wonder."

Wordlessly Kenshin took his beer and passed the two to head into the living room. He cried out in pain as the bright light from the open window hit his red rimmed orbs.

"Kuso, Sano what're you trying to do, kill me?" he complained as he flopped on the sofa and covered his eyes with a pillow. Sanosuke and Megumi followed him and stood above him with arms folded looking the most part like two parents reprimanding a wayward child.

"Humph, some fresh air and sunshine would do you good," Megumi scolded.

Kenshin pulled the pillow away to cast a jaundiced eye at her. "Thanks for the suggestion doc but I'm doing fine really."

Now Sano got into the act. "Oh, is that so? Then why have you blown off every class now for almost three weeks, huh? And you've missed kendo practice, Saito is probably ready to kick your ass."

"Who cares?" Kenshin said with a shrug.

Sano's eyes widened then narrowed as he roared, "Get that damned thing out of your face and talk to us!"

"What're you my father?" Kenshin asked in a snide tone.

Megumi's eyes widened at the insolent manner by which the diminutive redhead was speaking which was so unlike him. Usually he was so polite even with close friends. However, Sano was a bit more aggressive in his response. He reached down and snatched the pillow away and flung it down the hall.

"Drop the attitude, pal. We happen to care about you and we see you just throwing everything away that you worked so hard for. Kuso, I even heard that Saito is gonna drop you from the kendo team. Tell me, what would Hiko say then?"

Kenshin re-covered his eyes with his arm and grunted as the phone rang, interrupting the interrogation. Sano uttered a curse and went to answer it while Megumi sat in a chair next to Kenshin. She sighed deeply as she tried to reach him.

"Ken-san, you're scaring us," she beseeched him. "Tori-atama and I care about you and we see what has happened to you since Tomoe's death. We want to help you but you won't let us."

Kenshin sighed and removed his arm to look at the earnest concern radiating from the lovely pre-med honors student. He sat up and leaned over to take her hand.

"Megumi-dono, I appreciate your concern for me. But I'd just like to be left alone," Kenshin said quietly as Sano concluded the phone call and came over to the slouched form of his roommate.

He stated, "That was the administrative office at the university, Kenshin. Your professors have reported your absences to them and you are officially on academic probation." He watched his friend's reaction to the grave news and was shocked and dismayed by the cold indifference.

"So?"

Sanosuke was incredulous. "So? So? So it means that if you don't get your act together, you're gonna flunk out. You've missed several classes and missed quite a few assignments and I can only cover so much for you by bringing home my notes and the work to you. It's up to you to do it and turn it in but you haven't done that."

Kenshin groaned, "Sano--,"

Undaunted, Sano plunged on, "Have you considered how Hiko will take your flunking out? You told me that he was against sending you here to the university in Tokyo, he said it was a waste of time. By skipping classes and flunking out you'll end up proving his point."

Kenshin's face was impassive as the words Sano spoke hung in the air. Megumi added her opinion in a soft but firm voice.

"Ken-san, you need to snap out of this. We know how much you loved Tomoe and we know that you're devastated by her death. But you need to go on living, Tomoe would have wanted that for you. What do you think she'd say if she saw you like this?"

The only reaction from Kenshin was that he shuddered slightly but his expression remained neutral and he sat like a stone, with his arms crossed. He replied in an oddly detached manner.

"She would say what you're saying. But I just want to be left alone." He closed his eyes as if to blot them and their words out.

Sano and Megumi sighed deeply as they both felt the keen frustration of beating their heads against the proverbial stone wall. Kenshin was proving to be stubbornly clinging to his own despair and was rapidly becoming a lost cause. He needed a jump start, something to shake him out of his inertia and Sano was wracking his brain to try to find something.

As if in answer, there was a knock on the door so Sano went over to see who it was. He grimaced as he opened the door and the lank form of Saito Hajime, captain of the kendo team was leaning outside on the stoop, a smoldering cigarette dangling from his smirking mouth. He arrogantly strode into the apartment uninvited.

Sano's umber eyes narrowed as he protested, "Hey, I didn't invite you to come in."

Megumi rose and wrinkled her nose in distaste. "You know, second hand smoke is a health hazard for those of us who don't smoke."

"Aa, and it's rude to smoke in someone's home without asking them," Sanosuke snapped.

"Fine." Saito went over to the door and tossed the butt out then turned to the two as he said, "Satisfied now?" He then turned away and looked in scorn at Kenshin, still slouched on the sofa.

"I didn't come here for a lecture on health or etiquette, I came to see the Battousai or what was called the Battousai a month ago. But this lump in front of me can't be him."

On the side curious, Megumi asked Sano sotto voce, "Who's the Battousai?"

Her boyfriend replied, "That's Kenshin's name on the kendo team. Everyone has a nickname like Saito's is Ookami. Kenshin's called that 'cause he's mastered battoujitsu."

"I see."

Over on the sofa and oblivious to his taunt, Kenshin asked flatly, "What do you want, Saito? Why are you here?"

Saito smirked as he replied, "Nothing, I just wanted to see if the rumors were true." He leaned down and peered into Kenshin's face, irritating him as he jerked his head away, glowering.

Saito threw his head back and laughed, his narrow wolf-like eyes showing no mirth, cold and piercing. He continued, "I also came because the sensei wanted to know if you ever intend to join us at practice. We do have a major tournament coming up in Osaka, before the championship and he wants to make sure you'll be there."

Kenshin glared at Saito as he said sarcastically, "Even if I'm not, I'm sure you'll be more than willing to fill in won't you, ookami?"

Saito snorted, "I would but the sensei wants you to be our first seed, then me then Shinomori. It seems he has perfected a style using double kodachi. He calls it Kaiten Kenbu Rukuren and even I admit it's quite formidable."

Kenshin said sardonically, "Afraid you're getting upstaged, Saito?"

"Hardly," Saito scoffed. "I'm just doing what was asked of me even if I do feel it's a waste of my time. In my opinion, the team can do just fine without you."

Sano smirked as he pointed out, "Sounds like sour grapes from your part, Saito."

The kendo team captain said acerbically, "Not at all, moron. But as the team captain, it's my job to lead the team so that's why I agreed to come here." He turned and headed toward the door, reaching in his shirt pocket for a cigarette. He lit it and opened the door to let himself out but turned with a parting shot.

"I'll tell sensei not to count on you. You look like hell for one thing and for another you've gotten so scrawny I doubt you could hold your own against our scrubs let alone the team from Osaka. See ya around." He headed down the stairs.

Sano and Megumi exchanged glances then their attention shifted as Kenshin shot to his feet and hurried out the door.

"Saito!" he barked. "I'll be at the next practice, that I will! And the first thing I'm gonna do is defeat you!"

Saito turned and saw the livid Kenshin, his unruly flame tresses flying in the breeze. He smirked and gave a mocking salute, then headed to his black Honda.

Kenshin went back inside, slamming the door. Without a word, he marched into the bathroom and then the echo of rushing water of the shower was heard. Sano and Megumi looked at each other, relief in their eyes as Sano made a statement that expressed both their unspoken wish.

"Looks like Kenshin got the jump-start he needed, kitsune."

Megumi nodded with her eyes closed and a glad smile, thanking Kami above.

……………………………………………………………

That seemed as it was the defining moment and so Kenshin gradually re-entered the realm of the living, attending classes again, and kendo practice albeit grudgingly. He remained in a mild state of depression, however going through the motions of sitting in classes and being there in body, but as far as the west from the east in spirit. His thoughts were almost constantly on the accident and Tomoe, and at night he tossed and turned as visions of her haunted him. The lack of sleep was taking its toll on him and he often napped during his classes drawing the wrath of his professors as they reprimanded him for his listless performance. He listened sullenly as he assured them he would do better.

On the strong suggestion of his professors, Kenshin entered into grief counseling with the university psychologist, Jinpuu a man of large stature and gentle compassion as he attempted to help Kenshin come to terms with Tomoe's death. But it was a daunting task, as during the sessions instead of opening up, he retreated within himself behind a wall that was proving to be quite the defense, impenetrable his eyes cold and amber.

It was toward the end of the most recent session when Jinpuu made a rather unusual observation and a decision. He began with a statement.

"Well, once again we've spent an hour saying nothing and getting nowhere. Himura-san I have something to say. You've been coming for several sessions and have yet to really get to the root of your grief, which is more then the death of the woman you loved."

Kenshin flinched ever so slightly as he answered dourly, "I agree these sessions have been a waste of time because I really have nothing to say." He sat with his arms folded, immovable.

Jinpuu studied Kenshin intently as he said, "Oh I think you have plenty to say," he sighed as he admitted, "But I'm afraid you're right. I cannot help someone who insists on hanging on to their guilt and self-hatred. So I'm discharging you from care." He closed his notebook with resignation but continued as Kenshin rose to his feet and grabbed his bogu for kendo and turned to leave. Jinpuu stopped him with a gesture.

"Before you go, Himura-san let me give you some advice. Everyone deals with personal tragedy in their own way. Some confront it head on, grieve freely and move on. Some hold everything in to appear strong to family and friends and let it out when they're alone. And then there are those who keep it inside and let it fester until they shatter into a million pieces."

Kenshin sighed and said a bit impatiently, "Your point being."

Jinpuu went on. "My point is that you shouldn't keep everything bottled up inside, you need to release. It's an important part of grieving." At the closed expression on the young man's face he added, "It's obvious you couldn't open up here because you never trusted me but there must be someone you trust, someone you feel that you can open up to."

Kenshin closed his eyes and sighed as he said to himself there was but that someone is gone and it's all my fault. Then, the vision of sparkling twin sapphire eyes came to him and he murmured, "Kaoru."

Jinpuu perked up. "Who?"

Kenshin shook his head. "Nobody." He then bowed formally as he took his leave. "Arigatou for everything."

Jinpuu bowed and Kenshin exited. Once outside the office, he leaned against the wall and took a deep breath as his mind teemed with thoughts of Kaoru. He had been purposely avoiding thinking about her since that night he had spent on her couch. . .

The next morning Kenshin had stirred, his head pounding with the hangover from the drinking he had done the night before. He blearily opened his eyes, and thinking he was at his own place when he got up and noticed he was actually someplace else.

"Where am I?" he asked aloud then glanced about and suddenly recognized the feminine touches his own apartment lacked, the silk flower arrangements and pastel blue drapes. He then remembered he had somehow made his way to Kaoru and Misao's place after he became so inebriated last night.

Kenshin then remembered his exchange with Kaoru and her insistence at in his condition that he stay and then he remembered how in a semi-conscious state he felt a soft caress and opened his eyes to a raven haired angel, her lovely face soft with concern. He had grasped her cool, soft hand for security and promptly fell back asleep.

Kenshin sighed and he then spotted a note propped on the kitchen table. He went over and retrieved the note. It read:

Kenshin---

There's some fresh coffee on the counter and help yourself to anything in the frig. Please eat something. I went to class and will be back for lunch.

Kaoru

Forgetting his hangover Kenshin's heart warmed at the sweet concern in the few scrawled words and said softly, "Arigatou Kaoru-tenshi."

At the memory Kenshin felt his eyes tear up and he was again filled with conflicting emotions. Part of him was still deeply missing Tomoe and was feeling the desolation of her loss. But the other part of him was thinking about Kaoru and her gentle support and felt increasingly guilty. She had called frequently after that night but filled with the feeling that he was betraying the memory of Tomoe, he blew her off, not answering the phone or having Sano make excuses for him. Deep down he knew what he was doing was lousy but he could not deal with his undeniable feelings for her and the fact that they were in conflict with his still strong feelings for Tomoe. So he did the easy thing, avoided Kaoru. But the actual fact was that avoiding her had become the most difficult thing, second only to grieving for Tomoe. So he had sought forgetfulness in drinking and meaningless sexual encounters.

Kenshin sighed as he collected himself somehow, I've got to pull myself together and see her. I really do need to talk to someone and she always was a good listener from the time we first met. I've spent hours talking to her about Tomoe and she just listened, no questions asked. He gathered up his gear and headed to practice. . . .

In the practice hall of the university the kendo team was gathered for waza-geiko and kakari-geiko as they readied themselves for the tournament in Osaka next week. Baisotei Akira, the senior sensei was at the front pairing off opponents. At the back of the room Saito Hajime watched with a smirk as Kenshin walked in. Kenshin approached as Baisotei-sensei finished pairing fighters off and addressed him.

"Ahh, Himura-san it is good to see you," the sensei said. "I hope all is well."

Kenshin managed a bland smile as he bowed politely. "Hai, sensei. Forgive me for being absent from practice."

Baisotei-sensei and gestured to the rear where the practice dummies were lined up. "Kamiya-san!"

Kamiya-san? No it couldn't be Kenshin said to himself. But he did a double take when he saw the petite figure with abundant raven tresses tied up in a topknot, clad in full bogu come up to where he and the sensei were waiting.

"Hai, sensei," Kaoru said obediently, her bokken in hand. She stood there, a neutral expression on her delicate features.

"K-Kaoru? Is that you?" Kenshin asked dumbly still in amazement at seeing the subject of his recent thoughts in all places, at his kendo practice.

She gave a bow and polite smile. "Hello Kenshin." His eyes were still registering surprise, but before Kenshin could ask any questions Baisotei-sensei nodded in satisfaction.

"Good, you know each other so I don't have to introduce you. Get into position for wazi-geiko."

"Hai, sensei." Kaoru went and positioned herself for wazi-geiko and so recovered from his initial shock Kenshin followed suit. He felt the strong twinge of guilt as he ascertained that she probably (and rightfully so) was quite annoyed with him by nature of her stance and the narrowing of her eyes.

"Hajime!" Baisotei-sensei barked and the exercise began.

Raising her bokken in a chudan no kamae Kaoru came at Kenshin with a cry and he parried the attack, knocking her off balance. She stumbled and rebounded to come at him again as the match continued.

Kenshin stopped at the sensei's cry of "Yame!" and addressed his partner, "I had no idea you had joined the kendo team, Kaoru."

She took a deep breath then replied coolly, "No wonder. You've been among the missing for three weeks." She then got into a jodan no kamae for the next match.

"Hajime!" the command was sounded and the fighting resumed. Kenshin saw the underlined anger in Kaoru's moves and he mused well, I guess I was right, she's really angry at me. She has a good reason, I really did blow her off, I hope she can forgive me. Guilt overwhelmed him as he immediately was put on the defensive.

The practice continued as the next match was a kata of kiri-kaeshi, then kakari-geiko with both Kenshin and Kaoru in a fierce battle as each used their heated emotions to focus their attacks, holding nothing back.

About two hours later at the conclusion of the session Kaoru bowed formally, picked up her bogu then without a word turned to leave but was detained as Kenshin grabbed her sleeve.

"Wait a minute, Kaoru," he pleaded.

She stopped. "What?"

Kenshin said, "I want to talk to you. Onegai?"

Kaoru sighed and dropped her gear. "Is that so? Then why haven't you answered my calls, huh?" She whirled and skewered him with a cold indigo glare. "Don't you know how worried I've been? Damn you!"

Kenshin lowered his head in shame. "I-I know and I'm sorry."

Kaoru gave an unladylike snort. "Oh right." Her head bowed now she continued in a sad, subdued manner. "After you called me to come to the hospital after the accident and then came to my place the night after the memorial service I thought you trusted that I'm here for you no matter what that you can depend on me but I guess I was wrong. See ya." She made to leave but he stepped in front of her and grasped her arms.

"Kaoru," Kenshin began. "Onegai, listen to me. I didn't answer the phone or answer you back because I've been in really bad shape and I couldn't face anyone, even you." He beseeched her with his earnest violet eyes. "You have to believe me."

Kaoru looked uncertain but Kenshin plunged on. "Kaoru, I've been needing to talk to someone for a while and right now you're the only one I trust to talk to."

"Oh Kenshin," Kaoru said softly.

Kenshin urged, "Let's get out of here and go to find a quiet place."

She suggested, "I know a place. There's a park not far from here and it stays open till 11 with benches near a fountain. I go there when I want to be alone and think. How does that sound?"

He gave a sweet sad smile. "Sounds perfect. Let's go." He reached down and picked up her bogu, slung it over his shoulder, and took her elbow. . .

The sun was just beginning to dip toward the western horizon bathing the neatly landscaped park grounds in golden light. The park was nowhere near deserted, as many took advantage of the early warm spring weather, with brightly garbed joggers abounding and children in the play area, their shouts at play drifting over on the balmy breeze.

"Over there." Kaoru pointed at an empty bench near a large fountain, spraying up geysers of clear water that glistened like topaz in the late afternoon sun.

Kenshin followed her lead as she went over and sat on the bench, leaning back and stretching in the rays as he joined her. He sneaked a peek at her and felt the familiar admiration for her rise up in him as the zephyr wafted the soft scent of jasmine to his nostrils. As both were still clad in the hakama and gi and were sweaty from practice, Kenshin could not help but think that even dressed like that Kaoru was beautiful.

He began, "You were pretty good in there. Since when did you join the team?"

Kaoru answered casually, "For about two weeks now. Baisotei-sensei had heard about our dojo here in Tokyo and he approached me one day in the CU. He asked me to come and try out so I did. And I made the team."

"Omedeto Kaoru." Kenshin smiled in pleasure as he patted her hand. "I knew you could do it. Remember, I had encouraged you to join the team."

It was true. During one of their sparring matches for fun, he had urged her to join the kendo team when the co-ed sports regulations at the university had gone into effect. But Kaoru had demurred saying that she had no time. He was very glad that she had changed her mind.

Kaoru nodded as she added, "I was reluctant at first but my father encouraged me. It was the first thing about my going to college that he supported so I was thrilled."

Kenshin asked in concern, "So how's he doing?"

She sighed deeply as she replied, "About the same. I thought he was quitting drinking because I had gone home for several weekends and he had been sober and it was wonderful." Her face had a smile and then like a cloud passing over the sun it faded as she continued, "But it didn't last long, he's been drunk again the last two weekends and back to being distant toward me."

"I'm sorry," Kenshin said, his eyes soft as he took her hand in his.

Kaoru smiled as she squeezed his hand. "It's okay. But enough about me, tell me how you're doing."

Now Kenshin's smile faded as he replied, "I'm doing better. But I wasn't in great shape for a few weeks, I was skipping classes, kendo practice, work just about everything." He lowered his head in shame. "I was doing a lot of drinking and….," he trailed off.

Kaoru leaned in. "And?"

Kenshin confessed in a low tone. "I've been sleeping around quite a bit." He watched her reaction saw the shock on her face and felt a new rush of shame. He continued in a voice that was filled with self-loathing.

"I'm ashamed of myself but all I could think of was how much I was hurting and how I wanted the pain to stop. So I got drunk and picked up girls, bringing them back to my place or staying over at their places hoping like hell that they would help make me numb."

Kaoru asked softly, "And did they?"

Kenshin shook his head. "Only temporarily. The next morning I was in just as much pain with the extra added fun of a hangover." He gazed at her and said quietly, "That's why I didn't return your calls, I've been too ashamed, what with your father's drinking problem I didn't want to burden you with me."

Kenshin hung his head as Kaoru sat silent, the only sound he could hear was the tinkling of the water in the fountain and his own voice echoing inside condemning him. He surreptitiously glanced over at her and saw that she too had her head lowered, her eyes covered by her bangs. Then he was amazed when she hauled off and hit the back of his head.

Startled by her action, Kenshin opened his mouth to protest when Kaoru snapped, "Kenshin no baka, why did you think that? I'm your friend, baka and you can come to me anytime!" She turned away and impatiently brushed away the tears that began to flow.

He reached for her but she slapped his hand away as she continued, "You called me the night of the accident, and you came over that night after the memorial, why didn't you just come and talk to me?" She rose to her feet and began to pace as she went on.

"I came home from class that day and I thought you'd be there so we could talk. But you had gone, no note, no call, nothing for weeks. I thought you had dropped off the face of the earth."

Kenshin responded cryptically, "I wanted to." He stared at the setting sun as he thought of the depths of despair a man sinks into when he has realized that his reason for living was gone. He said in a faraway voice:

"I wanted to crawl into a hole and die so many times during the last three weeks that if I had courage, I'd have taken my life. But even in such pain I realized that suicide was no option." His amethyst eyes were bleak and lost as he went on. "I just wanted to lock myself away from everyone and everything, I just wanted out."

Head in his hands Kenshin added, "I was telling myself that I didn't deserve anyone's love or friendship, I had killed the woman I loved and drove her baby brother to the streets, I was worthless." He sobbed as tears stung his eyes and like a dam bursting after too much rain his pent up emotions broke as he began to weep bitterly.

It seemed like he had been weeping for eternity when he noticed the sunset had faded into evening as the moon rose and lent its light to the rapidly emptying park. The spray of the fountain was like sparkling like quicksilver and perpetually flowed endless like Kenshin's tears. The rivulets continued to fall from his violet orbsas his mind teemed with thoughts of Tomoe and Enishi, two people who he could conceivably believe had their lives ruined directly by his hand. But he was startled out of his maudlin thoughts as he felt two silken arms embrace him and engulf him in the soft fragrance of jasmine. He raised his head and saw that he was firmly in Kaoru's arms.

She murmured, "I know it's hard to believe now but everything is going to get better. You need to believe that, Kenshin."

He kept his head low as he shook it wordlessly, unbelief in her declaration uppermost in his mind as he felt the cold desolation of heartache. He felt soft hands pulling him to his feet.

"C'mon. Come back to my place with me and we'll eat. I'll order mushroom and olive pizza, okay?" she cajoled as he just followed and she headed to her car. . . .

The drive back was silent as conversation was at a loss between the pair. Kenshin felt spent, the tears he shed a catharsis as he mused about the vast quiet in his soul, something that had eluded him since the night of the accident. He glanced over at Kaoru and what had marveled him the most was that the time in the park with her listening as he released had done more than the two weeks of grief counseling with Jinpuu had. As his reverie continued he idly noticed that they were pulling into the parking lot at Kaoru's. She drove slowly to the open space in front of D-5 and pulled in, killing the lights and the motor as they both sat in the car, staring ahead.

After several minutes, Kaoru broke the voluntary vow of silence by remarking, "The lights are off, looks like Misao's out."

"Ummm," Kenshin replied suddenly exhausted.

She sighed and opened the door to exit. "Let's go inside and order the pizza."

Kenshin nodded and followed obediently as he climbed out. They both headed to the stairs to head up to the apartment when they were flooded with the twin head beams of an approaching vehicle. Neither paid any attention until they heard the soprano of Misao call out to them or specifically Kaoru.

"Kaoru! There you are, we've been looking all over for you!" The lights died as the low Mazda 626 of Shinomori Aoshi came into view and the man himself joined Misao as Kenshin joined Kaoru, automatically taking her hand as he sensed an impending disaster.

Puzzled, Kaoru turned toward her friend and asked, "What is it, Misao? You look really uptight."

Misao grasped her other hand and said urgently, "You got a call while you were at practice from Dr. Gensai."

Kaoru blanched as she demanded, "What happened?"

Misao hugged her as she said, "Your father's been in a car accident and is at Tokyo General Hospital."

Kaoru pushed away, sheer terror in her eyes as they filled with tears. "Oh NO!" she shrieked as Kenshin grasped her shoulders.

"It's okay, Kaoru we'll take you to the hospital," Kenshin said, forgetting his own grief to stand by her. He gestured toward Aoshi and the latter nodded and led everyone to his car for the drive.

NEXT…..CHAPTER 5...COLOR STUDY…. SHADOWS----KAORU