Summary: Breaking is sometimes necessary to put things back together again. "Anger was better than tears, better than grief, better than guilt."― George R.R. Martin, A Feast for Crows
Notes: Non-binary asari, because... well, they are non-binary, Liara says as much and, obviously, when you are of a mono-gendered species then you don't have binary. I would actually pay for a ME patch that changed all dialog about asari from female pronouns to some form of NB pronouns.
NB pronouns used for asari: xe, xir, xir, xirs, xirself. As listed here.
Chapter 4
Your disguise is slipping,
I think you're slipping.
.-
Shepard has a bad feeling the whole journey to Bekenstein, the planet where the party Kasumi wants to sneak in to steal her deceased lover's graybox is happening. Just the fact that she only has Kasumi as backup (or rather, she is the only backup Kasumi has) is enough to make her more than a little uneasy. Three is Shepard's magic number.
Either way, the fact is she's basically alone - Kasumi trails her while cloaked as best as she can, but Shepard still looks like she's alone, so she's forced to mingle with mercs and criminal bosses who discuss drug trafficking, slavery and other heinous operations casually over drinks and bites of overly-expensive food. Honestly, Shepard would gladly
(shoot them all between the eyes and be rid of them)
rain down the Alliance on them and have them all arrested, but she has to keep face. So she tries to keep her disgust from her face and relax the muscles of her back because she is supposed to be enjoying this party.
There is some gratification in hearing mobsters discuss Commander Shepard's return without them knowing she's three feet away, or Archangel's supposed death. But Shepard doesn't truly enjoy the party up until the moment she and Kasumi have managed to get into Donovan Hock's vault. He was expecting them and launches into a monologue about how he will make them pay, so Shepard shoots one of Hock's horrible-yet-expensive art pieces just to shut him up. And it feels good.
It says something (or actually a lot) about where she is now, but Shepard refuses to dwell on it. She doesn't have the time or the energy to do more than dodge and keep running. If she stops -Shepard knows somewhere deep down- if she stops for more than a second she will break, fall down and she won't get up again. Better to keep the momentum, keep her eyes firmly locked ahead and never ever look back.
After Hock is dead and their mission accomplished, Kasumi spends most of their ride back to the Normandy focused on Keiji's graybox. Shepard stares down at her hands, trying to decide what she should say about recorded Keiji's request for Kasumi to destroy the memory device.
Keiji says he discovered something too dangerous, that it will make her a target. Kasumi, though, seems far more interested in their shared memories stored in the graybox than any Alliance secret.
Shepard has no doubt what the Illusive Man or Hackett would do, if for different reasons: the Illusive Man would destroy the graybox because the information in it threatens humanity's place in the galaxy; and Hackett would destroy it because it implicates the Alliance. They would do this because they are both strategists, used to looking at the big picture, looking at the world from above like a chess board.
Shepard rubs her face and lets out an angry sigh. Well, she's not either of them; she's not even Alliance anymore. More importantly, she is stuck somewhere between pure strategy and direct action: she has to look at the big picture but also has to live and work with the people she commands, people she is leading into a suicide mission no less, and she has to try to keep them both focused and hopeful if they are to succeed.
(But what would it be like, holding the memories of a loved one in her hand and accessing them at will? Her father's or her mother's memories? Her siblings' memories? Ashley's? Her unit lost on Akuze? They would hurt and they would be more precious to her than most worldly possessions. Would that be a liability? Would she be willing to risk her own life and other people's just for emotional comfort?)
Does the Alliance even deserve to be protected from the consequences of something they did? Because the information wouldn't be so dangerous if it weren't true. Is the truth more important that damaging the Alliance's credibility when a Reaper invasion is going to happen at any moment?
The Shepard from before, the Shepard that died on the first Normandy, would have thought so - the Truth (with capital T) was always more important than any political machinations to her, without question. This Shepard, though, isn't so sure - dying had a way of changing a person's perspective. The Truth has complicated Shepard's life more often than not, the Truth had gotten her killed because the Council insisted on sending her away into deep space just to shut her up.
Fuck the Truth. Fuck the Council. Fuck the Alliance. Fuck the Illusive Man and fuck Hackett too. They aren't here, they aren't risking their necks and pouring sweat, tears and blood from a barely resurrected and not even fully human body; they aren't close to snapping under the strain caused by the weight of the many responsibilities she is juggling and her own fractured mind.
Shortly before arriving at the Normandy, Shepard walks up to Kasumi and touches her arm to get the other woman's attention.
Shepard clears her throat. "Have you decided what to do with it?"
Kasumi nods and looks down at the graybox cradled protectively in her hands.
"I think I want to keep it. It's all I have left of Keiji."
Shepard expected as much. "I think it's your decision. As long as you're willing to accept the risks," she adds, because there's no point pretending there aren't any.
Kasumi smiles and her shoulders relax. She promises she'll go off the grid, she'll disappear and the information will be safe; and Shepard can't be sure she is making the right decision for the Alliance and humanity, but she's sure Kasumi is happy.
It's probably stupid to trust a thief, but maybe Kasumi needs that trust. Or perhaps Shepard needs to trust in her, or perhaps she needs to let the chips fall where they may and distance herself from the responsibility of humanity and the Alliance. She is just one woman. She's not Alliance anymore; she's barely even human anymore. All she has is her ship and her crew and an insanely huge task to accomplish at whatever cost, so they are and will be her only priority.
It isn't until they are aboard the Normandy and already setting course to find Doctor Okeer, the krogan warlord, that Shepard realizes she never even thought of counting Liara among her loved ones.
Of course, Liara isn't dead, but when trying to think of loved ones, xir name never comes up - in fact, Shepard hasn't spent much time thinking about Liara since she woke up, and realizing it is not a surprise but it still comes as a blow to the face.
Guilt pools heavy in her stomach. She is not a good person.
Jacob is a better teacher than Shepard expected. His instructions on how to use her new biotics aren't the most clear, but he is patient and on occasion he even shows some sense of humor. They try to practice when on firm land, but they don't have much time to spend on shore leave between missions, just a few hours here and there to restock and purchase new things - therefore, they end up practicing in the cargo bay most times. They even have set up a small improvised gym. It's also used by other crewmembers, and especially by Jack, who is there almost every day, according to EDI.
The first time Jack walks in on them practicing, she scoffs at Shepard's poor technique.
"Fuck, you look like a rookie, Shepard," Jack throws over her shoulder as she walks past them to study their various dumbbells. "Can't even make a decent throw? Shit, I thought the Alliance knew what they were doing."
Shepard lowers the crate she had been levitating as gently as she can, which isn't much. She shrugs and carefully thinks over her words, but doesn't turn to look at Jack.
"Well, I am a rookie - I never had biotic powers until now. For some reason, Cerberus disagreed with that."
Jack goes completely still before turning around sharply.
"What?" she barks.
Jacob gives Shepard a concerned look and she points at the door with her eyes. 'You should leave while you can', she thinks. Jacob stays.
Shepard turns to look at Jack. "You heard I died, right? Well, Cerberus stole my dead body and brought me back to life. With a few modifications to boot. Biotics are one of those."
'You should have run, Jacob', Shepard thinks with maybe too much satisfaction as Jack stomps up to them.
She shouldn't have done it, she knows. She knows she shouldn't be causing or widening rifts among her crew members, quite the opposite, but for a blessed moment Shepard doesn't care. She doesn't want to forgive and she doesn't want to care if it wasn't Jacob's fault.
Cerberus did this to me. Cerberus did this to me and I hate it.
But then - because even if she's selfish, she is still in command - Shepard steps between them and cuts Jack's path.
"Jacob is training me," Shepard says, crossing her arms.
"Yeah? How do you know they didn't mess with you?" Jack asks, ignoring Shepard's words. Her eyes are wide and scared, even as she paces in a show of indignation. "Did something to you, to control you? I know how they work," she adds darkly, eyeing Jacob with complete mistrust.
'I don't, and it's killing me', Shepard thinks, but instead she replies: "If you think they are, you can stop me. But for the moment, all I need is to complete this mission."
Jack still looks spooked, and Shepard would huff if she didn't know that Cerberus has been hunting her for years, so Jack's paranoia may not be entirely unwarranted.
"I just need you to stick around long enough to finish this, Jack," Shepard reminds her, her voice sounding much more calm and steady than she has felt since this whole thing started. Shepard has always been good at acting in front of scared or wavering soldiers. "You still up for that?"
Jack keeps pacing for a moment. Then she points a finger straight at Shepard's nose. "If this is a trap - if you're trying to bring me back..."
"Neither I nor Garrus works for Cerberus; or Doctor Chakwas or Joker, for that matter. Not really. If you ever doubt me, go to them - they would never let me take you anywhere," Shepard says, fully aware this will get to the Illusive Man's ears soon enough and not caring one tiny bit. "You are far more powerful than Jacob or me; I can hardly manage biotic throws as it is. So really, you could kill us faster than we could betray you."
"You're damn right!" Jack exclaims, crossing her arms. She's still tense, but has finally stopped pacing. "I would kill everyone on this ship before I let you take me."
"I know," Shepard replies with a nod, knowing any speeches about her thoughts and feelings about Cerberus won't mean anything to Jack right now. "And there's no way I'm risking that."
Jack hesitates, apparently surprised at the turn of events. "Good," she finally concedes. "Whatever, Shepard. As long as you know you don't wanna fuck with me." Jack turns around and heads to the gym again. "But if you really think they aren't trying to control you, think again. You can't trust Cerberus," she adds over her shoulder.
Jacob gives Shepard a confused and angry look. "Excuse me, but what the hell, Commander?" he demands.
Shepard shrugs, fighting a mirthless smile. She shouldn't have done that, and even if it turned out better than she could have hoped for, she didn't really think about it or had a plan beforehand.
"She would have found out sooner or later. Better to hear it from me," Shepard replies in an impatient tone which usually works nicely to avoid subordinates questioning her.
Jacob doesn't even flinch, though. Shepard hadn't really expected him to.
"Think you could have found a better way to tell her? Some way that didn't risk her blowing a hole in the ship's hull and killing us all?"
"She didn't," Shepard points out brilliantly.
"She might have. You dumped that on her out of nowhere, knowing how she feels about Cerberus," Jacob insists, shaking his head. "What are you playing at, Shepard?"
Shepard's head snaps to him before she even realizes or knows what she's going to say.
"Playing? I'm not playing at anything, Taylor," she sneers in a cold voice, and suddenly she can't stop. "Unlike the Illusive Man when he decided to play god and stick some new upgrades in me while rebuilding me! You know, because why not?" she points at her head and her unnaturally glowing eyes. Her breathing is coming fast, too fast, and she needs to reign it in soon before she triggers the panic attack that has been brewing inside her since this started. "Or when he killed my whole unit on Akuze. Without any. Damn. Reason."
Jacob just blinks and it's painfully obvious he doesn't get it, he doesn't realize how horrifying it is to be experimented on, to be prodded and picked apart and pulled together, even if not conscious of it, until you were left staring at your body like a stranger because it doesn't feel like it used to be, like it should be, but you can't even point out why or how. Or the horror of realizing they pushed biotics on her by playing with her brain and who knows what else.
Shepard takes one deep (and slightly shaky) breath.
"You know what? I'm done for today," she says coldly. "Get back to your post, Taylor."
"Aye, aye, Commander," Jacob replies with just enough formality that Shepard can't accuse him of being out of line.
Shepard focuses on slowing her breathing and heart rate as he leaves, if only to hold back her temper and avoid pursuing a fight with Jacob that would accomplish nothing.
Jack snorts loudly from her bench.
"Asshole," she says. Shepard has to resist the desire to nod emphatically in agreement. "Don't waste your breath on Cerberus types, they're all brainwashed."
"Seems about right," Shepard mutters.
"Doesn't mean you're not. Brainwashed, I mean," Jack adds.
Shepard rotates her shoulders and thinks about it. Despite the constant thought that keeps popping into her head at the worst possible moments about how Cerberus might have tampered with her memory, it is true she keeps disagreeing with them on a regular basis. When she's calm enough to rationalize it, she knows they have not messed with her so thoroughly.
(When she's not calm enough, though, it keeps making her chest feel too small and her body too alien.)
"I doubt it. Most of it still sounds like bullshit," she counters. "All of it, really, except the part about the colonies. Doctor Chakwas also says they didn't implant a control chip or anything they could kill me with."
Not that that information reassures Shepard completely. Not all the time, at least.
Jack raises her eyebrows and lowers the (frankly, ridiculously big) weights she's been lifting.
"Thought about that too, huh?"
"Hard not to," Shepard admits with a shrug.
Jack laughs and shakes her head. "Alright, so maybe you're not completely stupid." Shepard gives her a mostly unimpressed look. Jack stands up and walks up to her, stretching her neck from side to side "So, what can you do, rookie? Besides being shit at throws."
Shepard opens her mouth, hesitates and finally decides to go for: "You wanna, what, spar?"
Jack gives her a wicked and unsettling grin. "If I wanted to kill you, I wouldn't tell you first." Not the most reassuring thing to say, but whatever, Shepard recognizes boasting from a mile away. "No, just wondering what you got, Shepard."
Shepard crosses her arms and grins right back. It's been a while since she has done this whole bravado thing with someone she didn't mean to kill.
"Not all that much with biotics. I am still a better shot than you, though," Shepard drawls.
Jack is, to Shepard's complete surprise, a better teacher than Jacob.
Even if her methods include chasing Shepard through the cargo bay throwing shockwaves at her until Shepard manages to hit her back.
Shepard can't say she understands Cerberus' criteria for suggesting new crewmembers to her. More often than not, it seems she has to get them out of dangerous situations before they can be of any help to her and her mission.
The krogan warlord, Doctor Okeer, is on the starcraft cemetery world of Korlus - maybe as a prisoner of the Blue Suns, maybe not. Either way, Shepard has to shoot her way through endless mercs and "imperfect" krogan clones (whatever that means), and Shepard is getting quite annoyed with the Blue Suns' leader, Jedore, and her shrill voice that keeps being broadcasted through loudspeakers.
When they enter a small office, deep inside the Blue Suns base, someone hiding under a desk calls out to them.
"Shepard, don't shoot! You know me!" An asari crawls out of xir hiding spot, seeming almost annoyed at them.
That's new. Most other people run or shoot at them, they don't stop long enough to glare at Shepard.
Xe identifies as Rana Thanoptis, says they met on Virmire. Shepard doesn't really remember xir at first - too many things happened on Virmire, all at once -, but manages to place xir a little after Rana tries to refresh her memory: Rana, worked for Saren, studied indoctrination in captured salarians - and xir own predecessor. Maybe acted under coercion, maybe not.
Shepard asks about Warlord Okeer and what he is trying to accomplish with the krogan clones, but Rana says xe doesn't know much besides that Okeer is not working on a genophage cure. Xe insists that xe was trying to repay the debt xe acquired on Virmire and live up the second chance Shepard gave xir.
Shepard looks at Rana and wonders what she was thinking when she let the asari go. Why would she do that? Why would she believe someone like xir would ever actually do something to redeem xirself?
Was I really that naïve? What was I thinking?
Who was I?
Shepard grips her pistol and clenches her teeth. Her pulse is quickening and the world is getting out of focus again, sliding sideways, edges fading.
She is furious. She is desperate.
"Time to run again, Rana. You never know what I might blow up next," Shepard manages to say with a grin that's almost a grimace.
"Suppose I can't expect a warm goodbye after the last mess," Rana says. "Don't worry, I'm staying the hell away from whatever you do or wherever you go." Rana walks past Shepard's team, looking so damn calm, and throws a brief glance back at them over xir shoulder. "Thanks anyway, Shepard."
Shepard scowls, rage coursing through her. Whatever she had been thinking on Virmire, she had been wrong, so wrong. Why had she bothered to even offer the asari a chance of escaping when xe would clearly never change? When xe somehow keeps on falling in with madmen and mercenaries? How can xe look at Shepard in the eye and say xe's using this second chance to do better?
Cerberus has certainly not changed, no matter what they say. They never will.
"I'm all for second chances," Garrus notes casually, staring at Rana's form with a slightly disgusted expression. "Not so sure about third ones, though."
Shepard takes out her gun in a swift move and shoots. Rana's head jolts forwards and xe collapses on the ground like a puppet whose strings have been cut.
Both Garrus and Jack startle and turn to stare at Shepard. None of them had noticed her draw.
"Me neither," Shepard mutters as she turns away from the dead asari and her team. She gestures towards the door. "Let's move."
The krogan in the tank is a surprise. Shepard doesn't completely understand Okeer's reasoning for creating him or for dying, or why this krogan is supposed to be perfect. Krogan are generally pretty easy to figure out, they usually are moved by a passion for violence and strength - this doesn't make any sense, for a krogan or for any other race, really.
Shepard paces in front of the tank. She knows she shouldn't take the krogan out for oh, so many safety reasons. But she is curious, she wants to know what she has in there. She also can't imagine being in a tank, like a fish, like some sort of trophy or decoration. It's a fate she wouldn't wish for anyone - conscious or not.
She has her gun, but she should still warn someone, just in case this backfires in some horrible way. And it might - a charging krogan is a force to be reckoned with, she sure knows it. But most of the people on the ship would try to stop her, and she can't have that.
Shepard instructs EDI to be on alert and call all of her team members if things get ugly. EDI argues - sounding incredibly annoyed for an AI - that "ugly" is not a definition she can correctly quantify, but Shepard ignores that and orders her to open the tank.
The krogan charges, of course - and really, that was so predictable it annoys Shepard a lot more than it worries her. After he gives himself a name - Grunt - he challenges her to fight, and really, this could not get any more cliché: he does seem to be the embodiment of the krogan stereotype, if nothing else.
She knows krogan and is not about to look intimidated, so she asks him why he wants her to kill him.
"Want? I do what I'm meant to - fight and reveal the strongest. Nothing in the tank ever asked what I want," the krogan says. He explains Okeer's imprinting failed and his reasons are not valid to him. "Without a reason that's mine, one fight is as good as any other. Might as well start with you."
Fighting because it seems like the only thing to do, just for the hell of it, now that is something Shepard knows a thing or two about. It's also something she can use. So she does what Anderson once did for her, when she was left aimless and angry after the slaver raid in Mindoir that killed her entire family: she offers the krogan, Grunt, a purpose. She promises him worthy enemies, at least - they have plenty of those after all.
Grunt finds it acceptable.
"Glad you saw reason," Shepard drawls and presses her gun, which he hadn't noticed yet, deeper into his side.
Grunt laughs at that. And perhaps Shepard should be more concerned that she laughs too.
Chakwas scolds her for several minutes about her recklessness for letting Grunt out of his tank while she makes sure the krogan didn't do any serious damage to her when he slammed her against the wall. Shepard lets her, because being fussed over is a rare event, and she knows the minute she tells her to stop, Chakwas will back off.
What Shepard doesn't expect, though, is what the doctor says then. "You have been acting even more recklessly than usual, Shepard. I think you should talk to Chambers."
The commander stands up abruptly. "No."
"Yes. I am concerned—"
"No," Shepard repeats, grabbing her jacket and putting it back on. She had made sure her long-sleeved undershirt covered the half healed scratch marks before coming to the med bay, and she's relieved about that now.
"You can't "tough it up," Commander. Not when you are in charge. Too much depends on you," Chakwas reminds her. As if she doesn't know.
"Thank you," Shepard mutters before escaping the med bay.
Shepard will not go to Kelly Chambers, not only because Kelly believes in Cerberus, but because Shepard has had her fill of therapists for a lifetime - or two, in her case. It's not that she believes she doesn't need help (she'd be stupid to think so), it's just… now, right now in the rush to accomplish what everybody knows is a suicide mission is not the time to do the whole painful procedure of opening up and exposing all that is wrong for someone else to gawk at.
Also, Kelly unsettles her - she's hard to read. How much of her is naïveté, and how much manipulation? Shepard honestly can't tell.
Kelly sees too much and gives very little, a very odd mix of cunning and sweet. She has flirted with her from the start and Shepard flirts back, her smiles never quite reaching her eyes. It feels almost like sparring: feint, jab, parry, repeat; try to get the upper hand and break your opponent's defense. Kelly likely knows what she's doing but has not once brought it up.
Shepard is not sure she's getting the upper hand, though. She usually defers to a more literal approach when it comes to sparring; battling with words has never been her area of expertise. She has no idea what she hopes to accomplish either and it bothers her sometimes, but Kelly barely reacts when Shepard blows her off one day and is all smiles the next. Kelly always smiles and accommodates whatever mood the commander is in without a question.
She makes interesting observations of the crew on occasion, though, showing a surprising amount of insight. A part of Shepard would like to know what Kelly makes of her and most of her is terrified of the answer.
Wrex was the member of the old Normandy who tolerated the rides on the Mako the most, but Grunt loves the Hammerhead. He roars in triumph with every jump and every geth they blow to pieces. He punches and shakes Shepard's seat after they defeat any particularly difficult enemy. Krogan don't get dizzy very easily and they enjoy wild rides more than any species Shepard has worked with.
She always keeps them in the back seat, though. Having a krogan get excited while in the passenger seat is just asking for a painful and certain death.
"Stop dancing around that thing and run it over!" Grunt demands, pointing at a geth prime.
"We can't, our armor can't take many direct hits," Garrus reminds him.
Despite loudly expressing his dislike of the Hammerhead, Garrus insisted on coming with them once he knew Grunt was coming.
("He isn't Wrex, Shepard", Garrus had said. "Can't be too careful with a krogan in close quarters. As you should know by now", he added with a raised browplate in a slightly chiding tone.
"I'm fine", Shepard replied with a frown, already tired of people disapproving of her decision of taking Grunt out of his tank. "So, you're willing to stand my driving to keep a krogan from going all bloodrage on me? Maybe you don't hate the Hammerhead as much as you say."
Garrus rolled his eyes - he was getting good at that - and scratched his bandage. "Oh, I do. But I think we need you alive for a bit longer".)
"Shepard, c'mon!" Grunt whines.
"Can't, big guy. The turian's right," Shepard replies without taking her eyes off the cluster of geth forces they were trying to destroy. "Don't wanna be blown to bits after just a few days alive, do you?"
"This tank is weak," Grunt mutters sullenly, but sits back anyway.
"On that, we agree," Garrus says with evident frustration.
"Good boy," Shepard tells Grunt with a nod. She launches another blitz attack and Garrus, who is in charge of the weapons, takes out most of the remaining geth. "Don't tell me you miss the Mako?" she asks Garrus.
"Spirits, no!" Garrus replies with a sharp laugh. "But - ouch!" he yelps when Shepard stops the tank abruptly and jumps up in the air to keep firing, shaking them in their seats and causing Garrus to hit the side of his head against the side of the tank. "That! The Mako didn't do that. It was a nightmare, but a stable and heavy nightmare. That could run over geth."
"Can't we take the rest on foot?" Grunt pipes in, sounding so much like a bored teenager that Shepard has to bite her tongue to keep from laughing.
"Can't, it would take too long. This isn't even a priority mission."
It really isn't a priority, just one of the small runs that Cerberus needs help with and that Shepard only takes because she needs to know if she can work with Grunt, and with Jack too. They both are a little unhinged in their own way, and no matter her personal opinions on them, she needs the certainty that they will follow her orders and handle combat. So far, both of them have followed her lead well enough. Still, Shepard isn't sure they won't just run headlong into battle despite direct orders one day; her hold on them is tenuous and she needs to tighten it if they are going to survive this.
Grunt runs headlong into battle without fear, confident on his fortitude and regeneration, roaring in delight, wielding a shotgun with deadly brutality. Shepard looks at him and wonders. She is still not comfortable fighting this close, she still has the instinct of lining careful shots and running from cover to cover. How would it be to charge like a krogan? Or like one of the most powerful biotics she has fought with, like Jack, charging to hit enemies head first inside a crackling ball of biotics?
What is it that holds her back? Fear, lack of confidence in her abilities, tactical thinking? How would it be to forget those and just go for it, fight in a flurry of biotics and weapons, unconcerned, with abandon, relishing her prowess as a skilled killer for once?
Grunt kills because that's what he was made for. Jack kills because it keeps her alive. Zaeed kills because he's good at it and also a very lucrative talent to have.
Would that really be so bad? Would that be good? How could she handle it after it was done, after the adrenalin was gone and the stillness of death sank in her bones?
Horizon, another colony, has gone silent, the Illusive Man informs Shepard. He also tells her, with something that looks uncomfortably close to satisfaction, that Kaidan Alenko is there. It can't be a coincidence that the next attack will happen where one of her former crewmates is, that much seems obvious.
Shepard tells Joker over the comm to step on it while she goes and pressures Mordin for the countermeasure they need to survive the Seeker Swarms, as they have dubbed them, that the Collectors use to track and immobilize their victims somehow.
When Shepard, Garrus, and Grunt drop off the shuttle, everything on Horizon is unnaturally still and quiet, and it does little to curb Shepard's uneasiness: they are about to face an alien race that most have considered a myth and that have managed to empty whole planets of humans without leaving a trace. Mordin's admission that he's not entirely sure if his countermeasure will work only manages to set Shepard on edge.
"Certainty impossible. But in limited numbers, should confuse detection, make us invisible to swarms," Mordin says, sounding way too excited about testing his new experiment. "In theory," he then adds, and honestly, Shepard still has no idea how he is supposed to have worked as a doctor when he is the least reassuring person she has ever met.
From behind her, Shepard can hear Grunt and Garrus huff in unison.
"In theory? That sounds promising," Garrus mutters, his voice laced with sarcasm.
"Experimental technology. Only test is contact with Seeker Swarms. Looking forward to see if you survive!" Mordin replies cheerfully through the comm before logging out.
Shepard just grinds her teeth, trying to ignore the cold sweat that broke out on her forehead. She is going to kill Mordin.
The thought of being paralyzed and kidnapped inside a coffin is much more terrifying than it would have been before she died, she notices. She will not let this happen to the people on Horizon.
Shepard clears her throat and turns to her team. "Right. If this thing fails and I get… frozen or whatever, by those bugs, you keep going," she tells Garrus.
Mordin agrees with their hypothesis that the swarms have been programmed to target humans as a first priority, so if the countermeasure doesn't work as well as it's supposed to, the turian and the krogan have a better chance at making it than she does.
In theory.
Garrus, who was checking his rifle for the tenth time, looks up abruptly. "Shepard…." he begins.
Shepard cuts him off, holding up a hand. "That's an order, Garrus."
Garrus hesitates for a second, before yielding. "... Understood, Commander."
Shepard nods, turns around, and heads towards the colony decisively. The mission is what matters, after all, and she can trust Garrus to finish it.
They see the first cloud of Seekers, and Shepard freezes in place and pushes down the sudden urge to turn around and go back.
"If this fails, Mordin will get his salarian ass kicked," Garrus mutters, just a tiny hint of humor in his voice. If he realizes how scared Shepard really is, he doesn't show it.
Grunt makes a noise of complete agreement. To be honest, he doesn't seem particularly worried about the bugs, but he will take any chance he gets to pick a fight with anyone.
Shepard swallows hard and manages a brief chuckle. "I'm touched," she replies and her voice is only a tiny bit strained. "But don't kill him; he's probably the only one who can counter whatever those things do."
Garrus hums in reticent agreement.
"Alright. Let's do this," Shepard says, squaring her shoulders. She breathes in deeply, blinks hard, and advances towards the swarm with clenched teeth.
They don't seem to register them and Shepard sags in relief, swallowing a hysterical giggle.
The Collectors are horrifying. Shepard looks at them from a distance, looks at them as targets, but she doesn't dare to study them after they are dead because she has a feeling she would scream looking at their insectoid faces and never stop again.
She didn't need any more fuel for nightmares, thank you. Husks have featured in a few of them, but she is certain the Collectors will be in them now, too.
The thing they do when they get controlled or possessed, and talk to her, taunt her,
(her, directly, by name, and why do the big bad things always know her name?)
is especially nerve-wracking. Shepard doesn't listen to the words, but it's hard not to flinch when they call her name again and again.
Just as she is getting somewhat used to the Collectors, of course, even worse things appear. First it's a stumbling horror composed of several husks fused together, and Shepard feels revulsion and hatred clawing at her chest. Later, because of course there had to be more, it's a flying ship full of husks and Shepard can't help but gape; she can't stop looking at it, her eyes darting here and there without fully comprehending what this new monster is. She has a feeling she could go crazy just staring at this thing for too long.
Her attacks are panicked and scattered, though thanks to the harsh practice Jack has put her through, Shepard now manages a more decent warp - which probably saves her life. When the new creature is dead, Shepard has to force her hands to stop shaking and leave her cover to check the status of her team.
Shepard stares at Kaidan and one thing keeps repeating in her head, making it impossible to think: Kaidan shouldn't be so angry.
Shepard struggles for words, because somehow the thing that has thrown her off the most on this damn never ending day is Kaidan sneering at her, full of suspicion and resentment, accusing her of betraying her principles; and Shepard just stares and stares at this strange man that can't be the same Kaidan she once knew, because Kaidan was never this hateful, never this cutting and aggressive.
Perhaps she is wrong, perhaps he was like this and Cerberus tricked her somehow, they tampered with her memories after all, they….
"Dammit, Kaidan! You're so focused on Cerberus you're ignoring the real threat!" Garrus chimes in, exasperated, and Shepard turns to look at him because maybe she is right and Kaidan is acting strange. Garrus is the only one who would know, since he knew them both.
"You've changed," Kaidan tells her, and his voice drips contempt.
She knows it's true, so it shouldn't hurt so much, not even when spat like an insult (she has been called worse, much worse), only it does, and Shepard clenches her fists as Kaidan walks away, full of self-righteousness at not having sank to her level, and Shepard will be damned if she asks him to join her now as she intended when she first heard he was here.
Let him go back to the Alliance and the Citadel. They won't hear him and won't do anything. They never do.
Shepard calls for the shuttle, and then glares at the empty space where Kaidan just was. It feels like a nightmare, like madness, having met one of her old team, one of her old friends and finding him utterly and completely changed. Kaidan used to be level headed and kind, understanding and patient - who was this stranger wearing his face then?
Perhaps that's how he realized she has changed, perhaps he knew she is a stranger wearing her face too. Takes one to know one, right? He saw right through her; and yes, Shepard knows the Illusive Man is trying to manipulate her in some way, but perhaps she's not even aware of how much, perhaps Cerberus is trying to turn her against all the people she once knew and all she believed in.
Shepard's thoughts are a mesh of anger and anguish, her biotics are flaring up in tenuous waves around her, so it takes her too long to notice how her breath is coming out ragged and fast until her vision is already swimming, the world too bright and she has to brace her hands on her knees to avoid falling face first onto the ground.
No, no, no, no.
A taloned hand grabs her shoulder and Shepard shakes it roughly, blindly. It is too heavy and too close and too much, too invasive.
"Shepard!" she registers Garrus' worried voice and has the vague notion he has been calling her name for a while now. He doesn't try to touch her again, though, which is a relief. "It's just me. It's alright, it's gonna be alright."
Shepard can only nod, still hyperventilating and choking in her attempt to stop. That's enough to knock a lot of the distress from Garrus' voice, and he keeps talking at a more measured pace.
"Just breathe. We're fine. It's alright. Breathe deeply, Shepard, come on." It's utter nonsense, but his voice gives her something to focus on.
There is a shuffling sound and suddenly Garrus has left her side and is talking to Grunt, telling him to wait in the shuttle, that they'll be right there; and a small a part of her notices he sounds concerned but also commanding and Shepard would laugh if she wasn't trying to swallow the panic back down and breathe normally.
Then Garrus is back, his hand tentatively on her elbow and she can take that, that is barely tolerable, and he's talking again.
"Breathe deep, Shepard," and there's the commanding tone again, only softened by concern. His subharmonics flare with every word and it feels like a low rumbling travels from his hand on her elbow straight into her chest. "Breathe and it will be fine. That's it."
When it's over, Shepard is left kneeling on the ground, her hands clenched over her thighs so tight her knuckles hurt, her face covered in hair, and Garrus is still touching her elbow, muttering encouragements. Shepard feels broken and weak and so very angry - at herself, at Kaidan, at the whole damn planet and the Collectors and Cerberus, too - and she is crying, which only makes her more angry because she hasn't cried out of rage and frustration in years and she's stronger than this, she is Commander fucking Shepard, not a little girl throwing a tantrum anymore.
She is supposed to be stronger than this! She was stronger than this and it was taken from her, somehow. She is in pieces and she still doesn't know who to blame for this; she needs to know whose fault it is because it's killing her as surely as any bullet, it's bleeding her slowly and she can't do this anymore.
Garrus' hand retreats and Shepard takes his arm before he can completely pull away. Garrus just stays still, doesn't say anything, but his subharmonics continue their rumbling and he must not even notice - or maybe he can't help it.
Shepard doesn't look at him, and after a moment Garrus places his hand back on her shoulder. Shepard tries not to let out a sob (she has felt alone, so alone with this, whatever this is) 'cause she still has some dignity and Garrus sat next to her at some point, but is still too far away to just lean on him and hide.
Eventually she pulls herself together, eventually her tears stop. Garrus still hasn't said anything, but he hasn't moved away either, supporting some of her weight. Shepard notices her face is covered in various icky fluids, tears and snot and saliva, and she quickly wipes them away with her gloves, grimacing because that's disgusting but she doesn't have many other options right now.
She clears her throat and makes herself lift her face again. Horizon is still quiet and beautiful.
She hates this entire cursed planet.
"Sorry," she manages to say, not looking at Garrus. She can't.
Garrus clears his throat as well, his hand finally dropping back to his lap. "Nothing to be sorry about," he replies a bit awkwardly, and he shuffles a little. "Hope I could help," he adds, almost too quiet for Shepard to catch.
Shepard has to look at him then, she has to turn and give him a brittle smile even if she can't quite meet his eyes. "You did. You really did."
'I don't deserve him', she thinks absently and her heart clenches because it's true. She doesn't much of anything right now, not after that display, but least of all Garrus' support.
The thrum of Garrus' subharmonics persists all the way to the Normandy.
Garrus spends most of the time in the shuttle trying to make small talk with Grunt, partly to keep Grunt from asking questions, Shepard suspects, but also because krogan always get antsy in small places.
Grunt mostly just wants to discuss how he killed Collectors, how his shotgun blasted and he roared and they fell, their entrails flying about. Shepard catches Garrus grimacing slightly here and there, but he just goes with it and turns the vivid descriptions of violence into tactical advice that Grunt only partially pays attention to, and only because it will help him to kill better.
Shepard doesn't join in the conversation, she mostly keeps looking out to the retreating shape of Horizon and berates herself for letting Kaidan's attitude unsettle her so much. He doesn't deserve such a strong reaction from her.
Though, she started the whole mission much more on edge than usual, so perhaps it's not just Kaidan, it was all of it. Still, Kaidan doesn't even deserve to be the last straw that broke her like that. He doesn't deserve that satisfaction, not after today.
"Shepard," Garrus calls her after the shuttle has landed back on the Normandy. Grunt was the first to disembark, as always, saying something about ryncol and glorious deaths (where he could have gotten ryncol, Shepard has no idea and is not about to ask).
Garrus walks to her and hesitates, his eyes darting around them for a second. "Just wanted to say: I can handle this debrief, if you want."
His tone is dry, but Shepard knows enough about him and about turians to know what he's doing: he's trying to make it clear that he's not trying to step on her toes or coddle her, he's just putting the thought out there and leaving the choice up to her.
As nice as the idea is (and it is kind of nice, taking the ungrateful and boring duty off her shoulders when she feels so raw and angry at her own weakness) Shepard knows she can't take that offer. Not only would it be worse to send someone else to do her job than to delay it - as she fully intends to do; she's not dealing with this bullshit today, no sir -, but she also wants to have some words with the Illusive Man herself.
"That won't be necessary. But thank you, Garrus," she adds, meaning that wholeheartedly.
Garrus nods like he expected no different - and he probably didn't. "Anytime, Shepard," he replies before clapping her shoulder companionably (and she can feel the vibration of his subharmonics again during that brief contact) and leaving the shuttle without further ado.
Shepard follows a few steps behind.
Shepard goes straight to her cabin, determined to avoid Doctor Chakwas and Miranda and everyone in the CIC for the time being. After she showers and reads her messages, though, she takes one look at her cabin and the thought of reports to be filed and of being completely alone up here right now are too much for her. Which is how she finds herself hiding in the Main Battery with two bottles taken from the Port Observation bar.
Garrus looks up from the sniper rifle he's cleaning as she enters.
"Shepard," he greets her, sounding a little surprised, as he stands up from the crate he is using as a chair and turns around to face her. "Need me for something?"
Shepard shows him the bottles with a grin. "You up for a drink?" she offers, though she fails to sound as enthusiastic as she wanted to. In fact, she only sounds tired and angry.
Garrus takes the bottle from her and turns it in his hand, studying it. "Horosk? Really?" he wonders, amused.
"Yeah. A terrible one, according to the bartender."
Garrus laughs. "Well, then, how could I refuse?"
Shepard grins and a knot of anxiety that she hadn't even noticed was tightening the muscles of her back dissolves. She moves around him and sits down on another crate in the corner near the work table.
"Go on, finish that," she says, waving at the sniper rifle.
She knows putting guns aside in the middle of cleaning them is never a good idea. She had lost too many pieces by doing that - once, weirdly enough, the entire barrel of a rifle.
Garrus does just that. He sits back down and opens his mouth, seemingly looking for something to say, some way to start small talk, but Shepard just leans against the wall behind her back and closes her eyes, sipping from her bottle of knockoff vodka. Garrus apparently decides to leave her be, because he doesn't say anything in the end.
The thrumming of subharmonics starts again, though, and when Shepard opens one eye, she sees Garrus focused on his rifle again, humming absently to himself. Shepard smiles a bit and closes her eyes again, enjoying the quiet company in a way she hasn't managed to do in a long time.
Garrus is almost finished with re-assembling his rifle when EDI speaks, startling Shepard - and really, the AI should stop doing that.
"Shepard, Officer Lawson is requesting information about your whereabouts," EDI informs her.
Shepard glares at the blue orb floating by the door and out the corner of her eye she can see Garrus giving her a curious look.
"What does she want?" Shepard asks.
"She requires confirmation of your arrival and is waiting for you to debrief her on your mission on Horizon," EDI replies.
Shepard lets out an annoyed sigh. "Did you tell her where I am?"
"My programming does not allow me to refuse a direct order, Shepard," EDI reminds her.
"Right. So, tell Miranda she'll have to wait for that debrief. I'll do it tomorrow," Shepard commands the AI. "And lock the door of the Main Battery."
"Understood."
"... You'll... have to open the door if Miranda orders you to, right?" Shepard drops her head back in defeat.
"As the Commanding Officer, your orders take precedence. Except in the case of an emergency," EDI adds, almost like an afterthought. Shepard and Garrus exchange a meaningful look. She imagines Garrus, like her, doesn't like the vague amusement in EDI's simulated voice.
The AI will kill us all, one day. Just you watch.
"Well…" Shepard clears her throat. "Good. That'll be all, EDI."
"Logging you out, Shepard."
"Well, that won't go well with Miranda. But just picturing her face makes it worth it, I guess," Garrus comments.
"And picturing her pounding on the door while ordering me to come out," Shepard adds in a dreamy voice.
Garrus opens the bottle of Horosk and sniffs it carefully. "Smells like battery acid," he comments before taking a swig. He coughs and shivers slightly, his mandibles fluttering. "Tastes like it, too. Good choice, Shepard."
"Glad you like it," she replies with a grin.
The realization that, despite the fact that they had worked together and sometimes exchanged some banter during combat before, Shepard and Garrus hadn't really been friends strikes maybe a bit too late. Silence stretches between them, and Shepard is starting to curse her impulse of just dropping by without a plan beyond alcohol. Just as the awkwardness starts to be obvious, though, Garrus starts talking.
Shepard sighs internally in relief and decides she owes him even more, now.
They don't talk about anything important, not really, and it's just what Shepard needs. They discuss tech applications and rifles and the god-awful invention that are thermal clips (Shepard still hates them), and from there it inevitably leads to reminiscing about the old Normandy and the old crew. Somehow, it doesn't hurt as much as Shepard would have expected, probably because Garrus was there too.
'He used to be so formal', Shepard thinks with unexpected fondness. The main reason they had never just talked as they are doing now is they both used to behave rather stiffly: Garrus used follow the very strict professionalism and discipline that made the turian famous (or infamous, depending on who you asked), while Shepard had been too stuck in her own severe code about the Right Way To Do Things and focused entirely on their mission.
God, she had been stupid. What a pointless way to waste her life.
On the rare occasions they had been somewhat informal back then, Garrus had shown some sense of humor, sure, but it would have been near impossible to get him to show so much familiarity as to share a drink with his commanding officer while on downtime - not that the old Shepard would have thought of even suggesting it. These days, though, Garrus' dry wit is all over the place, so much so that Shepard wonders how she could have missed how sarcastic he can be. Joker's right (not that she'll ever tell him): Garrus seems to have lost the stick he used to have lodged up his ass. And honestly, it's not a bad change at all.
Shepard realizes Garrus probably thinks something similar about her and snorts. She probably deserves that.
"Do you think it was normal? The way Kaidan acted today. It just - it didn't seem like him. Not the way I remember him," Shepard asks, frowning at her bottle and peeling at the label with her thumb.
"I don't know. I - Well, I'm not sure there is a normal when someone you know comes back from the dead," Garrus replies.
Shepard can't hide a flinch at that. She still hates to think of it, of how she died and came back.
"You didn't exactly accuse me of treason and… hiding, or something," Shepard points out, feeling her anger resurface. She didn't catch most of Kaidan's accusations, too preoccupied trying to believe he was accusing her of something in the first place.
Garrus actually chuckles. "No, but Shepard: when you got there, I was sure I was done for. I didn't exactly have the luxury of second-guessing you." Shepard tenses at that, and it must become obvious, because Garrus quickly turns more serious. "Not that I did. I - I don't know, it seemed obvious to me you were you, doing your whole 'save the day by kicking ass' thing." He shrugs. "Maybe it wasn't so obvious to him. But it sounded like someone dumped an anti-Cerberus campaign on him. Interesting timing."
"You know, that's what bothers me the most: he knows I have every reason not to trust Cerberus, and still… How can he - How can he honestly believe I'd turn my back on everything? Just like that? Just for working outside the Alliance?" She lets out a frustrated sigh and takes another drink from her bottle. "It's like he doesn't know me at all."
Garrus hums in a pensive way and takes a swig, too - and grimaces (full-blown turian grimaces, Shepard discovers, look ridiculous: mandibles spread wide and nose scrunched up like he's about to sneeze).
"It is just so unlike him to be so… drastic," Shepard insists. "He was always about finding more information, giving the benefit of the doubt. Ash was the impulsive one, not Kaidan."
Garrus nods at that. "Yes, it was strange," he finally admits. It's stupid, but it feels good that someone else agrees with her on that. "I thought he would join us, actually. I thought it was obvious we're actually doing something about the missing colonists." There is, finally, a spark of anger in his eyes. "I don't get him. I thought he was out of line and too prejudiced. But... I also hadn't seen him in two years, I'm not sure what happened to him in that time," he adds begrudgingly.
Shepard has a moment of realization when she finally understands that the reason Garrus seems so blasé about Kaidan's attitude is because he's just trying to make sense of it in some way, and not because he doesn't care.
"You're angry at him," she says, with a lopsided smirk.
Garrus blinks. "Of course I am. I don't understand everything, but-"
"You didn't seem to be," Shepard cuts him off and raises her bottle in a toast gesture. "Thank you. That's what I needed to hear: that I'm not completely crazy for being mad at him."
Garrus huffs. "Hardly. He was an ass." They clink their bottles together. "I mean, you are crazy, just not about that," Garrus adds with a shit-eating grin.
Shepard kicks him lightly and Garrus snickers.
"So… you never contacted any of the old crew. After you left," Shepard asks after a short silence.
Garrus shakes his head. "No. Didn't enter any of my old accounts or anything while on Omega. Didn't wanna be traced."
Shepard nods absently. That seems obvious in hindsight.
"Last time I saw everyone was - was for your funeral," Garrus says in a low voice, his tone bitter and his mandibles tight against his face.
Shepard closes her eyes tightly. This is something she hasn't dared to ask anyone yet, if she ever was going to. She is not sure she wants to talk about it now.
"Shit, sorry," Garrus says. He rubs his face hard and shifts in his seat. "Sorry, I didn't mean to bring that up. I wasn't thinking."
Shepard takes a long swig of her bottle.
She thinks of Jacob's unsympathetic look when she mentioned how the Illusive Man had played god with her resurrection. He doesn't get it, and perhaps it's not his fault he hasn't put himself in her shoes, but Shepard hasn't been able to talk to him since, not without feeling coiled up and angry. Perhaps one day she will explain how being resurrected feels like and perhaps he will understand.
Jacob doesn't get it, but he's not the only one. Chakwas is convinced Shepard remains unchanged, their "immovable center" as she said. Maybe that is denial or maybe it's hope - probably both, really.
Kasumi always keeps herself just out of reach, she's fleeting and fickle and Shepard can't imagine having a heart to heart with her. Zaeed is completely out of the question - all he understands is anger and violence and revenge. Grunt doesn't know much besides sterile imprints from the tank, and he remains uninterested in most things beyond killing.
Jack understands what being experimented on feels like, and by Cerberus too, no less, but she's not about to discuss it. Shepard isn't sure she knows how to bring that up with her, anyway. Miranda might understand, too, but since she was in charge of resurrecting her, Shepard doubts she's up to hearing any negative comments about it. And Miranda is still the kind of person Shepard would hate to show weakness to.
Shepard isn't sure how much Garrus really understands about what she's going through, but he has caught on to her distress - after her breakdown on Horizon it would be hard for him not to, really. It makes Shepard feel oddly exposed, on display. She longs for understanding, but she can't open up about it either. Not yet. Not with the people she's supposed to lead unflinchingly into almost certain death.
When Shepard looks at him again, Garrus is glowering at his bottle, his shoulders slumped.
"I can't… talk about it yet," she says haltingly. Garrus opens his mouth, without looking at her, but Shepard keeps going. "Not about… death. Or being back."
"I understand," Garrus replies, maybe too quickly. "I mean, some things are… hard to talk about. I get that."
And perhaps he does. He hasn't said a lot about his time on Omega since his first day back, after all.
Shepard tries for a smirk. It comes out like a grimace. "Yeah. I know." She sighs. It sounds so dumb, but what else can she say? She shakes herself and guesses that she may not be ready to talk about her death and resurrection, but maybe she can talk about the funeral. It didn't happen to her, after all. "But how was it? The funeral?"
Garrus gives her a searching look, mandibles flicking. Shepard nods encouragingly - or she tries to.
"Uh. It was long. Longer that I'm used to," Garrus finally replies, his tone wary, like he is doing the verbal version of walking into a minefield. In a way, that's true. "A lot of people were there, not just the crew."
"Where was it?" Shepard has a will, but she's pretty sure it doesn't involve any instructions about her remains.
"Mindoir. It was raining."
"Anderson's idea?" Shepard wonders.
"I think so. He was the only Council member present. I think he basically snuck away from the Citadel without warning the others - they were having collective fits when they realized." Garrus gives a small smile at that. The mental image even manages to lift up Shepard's spirits a little. "I didn't think most people would get there in time, but a lot managed. There were people from Feros and people from Terra Nova. A lot of people from the Citadel, and a whole lot more I didn't know. It was really crowded."
"How did Anderson get so many people to the middle of the Traverse?" Shepard asks, a little bewildered - and a little overwhelmed at the thought.
"He, uh, kidnapped an Alliance frigate." Garrus replies. His expression is so serious that for a moment Shepard almost believes it. "More or less. He pulled the Councilor card and seized it, actually. Not that Hackett complained much."
Shepard blinks, pauses and finally just shakes her head. "You're kidding."
"Not at all. Look it up one day, it caused quite the stir. Or ask Joker, he complained nonstop that he didn't get to fly it himself." Shepard maybe will search the extranet for it, but even if it's complete bullshit it's a good story. "I traveled with them. Second time I dropped C-Sec for a human ship."
"You quit after that?"
"Yeah. Not right away, but soon after. It was… bullshit, Shepard. All of it." Garrus frowns and drinks from his bottle. Shepard can almost see another red-tape rant coming.
Garrus broods for a moment, but then he shakes himself and to Shepard's surprise, he doesn't go for the rant.
"There were speeches. And food - which I found odd. Kaidan said a lot of human traditions include food after funerals. I don't think many turian funerals do, but I'm not sure." Garrus drinks again and his eyes seem unfocused. It may be the Horosk, or the memories, or both. "It was… hard. Joker was a wreck. Liara said he blamed himself for… Liara, well - xe blamed xirself too. A lot of blame to go around."
Shepard clears her throat, trying to clear the knot that has formed here. "It wasn't. It wasn't their fault."
Garrus nods but doesn't look at her. "I said that. We all said that. But we all blamed ourselves, I think. Except maybe Wrex," he adds in a very poor attempt at humor.
"Of course he didn't." Shepard tries to keep the joke going, because the only other option is crying again, and she can't do that. Not so soon. "Krogan just move on."
"He tried to get Tali to drink with him when we got back to the Citadel, but she refused to even consider it." Garrus laughs. "Said she didn't wanna spend her first hangover sad on top of sick."
"And? What, he got drunk alone?"
"Of course not, Wrex drank Alenko and me under the table. When I came to, he was still drinking. Straight up ryncol." Garrus wrinkles his nose. "Worse hangover I've ever had."
I missed you like a limb, Kaidan had said. Shepard barely registered it on Horizon, but it suddenly comes back and all but slaps her across the face. Shepard squeezes her eyes to keep the tears at bay that suddenly are welling. She doesn't succeed much, and wipes the ones that got away.
"I - That's. That's ridiculous. I'm just - I'm just a soldier," she argues with a self-deprecating chuckle.
Garrus actually throws his head back and laughs - the Horosk seems to have gotten to him. "No, Shepard, you were our friend. You are our friend. And you, you brought us together to do the impossible. And we did! We killed a Reaper and we saved the Citadel." He pauses for a moment. "I'd still be in C-Sec without you."
Shepard snorts loudly. "No, you wouldn't. You would have left anyway, with or without me. You were never going to settle for that."
"Maybe. But you did take me in, so who knows." Garrus leans back. He stares at a point on the opposite wall and his mandibles flicker a little as he thinks. "I should have kept more in touch. I'm not really good at it, but still… Leaving everything behind was so easy. Too easy."
"If it helps, we're picking up Tali next," Shepard informs him. She leans back against the wall and frowns. "Apparently whatever mission the quarians sent her to, it got her trapped in geth territory."
Garrus looks at her in surprise. "Tali? Geth territory? Seems like I've missed a lot." Shepard summaries her meeting with Tali on Freedom's Progress and what little information came in the dossier Cerberus sent her.
"I see, so it's a rescue mission. We could definitely use her, and it would be nice to see her again, but Shepard…"
"I know," Shepard says, rubbing her face in frustration. "I don't wanna drag Tali into this either."
"But you can drag me into this, huh?" Garrus quips.
"You are free to go, you know?" Shepard replies, pointing at the door. Her expression is just daring him to do that.
"Now, what kind of friend would that make me," Garrus says, though there is a faint harshness in his tone, one that Shepard thinks she can translate as I don't have anywhere to go, anyway.
(What a wonderful team of broken people she has, all cornered into accepting a hopeless fight - for money, for kicks, for the hell of it, for a dubious sense of altruism or because they have nothing more to lose. And Garrus probably feels he owes her his life.
How are they supposed to win against so many odds when none of them knows how to hope anymore?)
Garrus clears his throat. "But anyway. Yes, Tali - she's good in a fight, but she's not a soldier. Seems wrong to rope her into this."
"It does." Shepard thumps her head against the wall in defeat. "For now all I know is we're getting her out of Haestrom, I don't care how classified this mission is. After that, we can just send her home."
"Right, that would be a win either way, honestly," Garrus agrees. "But if Tali wants to come with us, I doubt we can stop her, Shepard. You know how stubborn she can be."
"Said the pot about the kettle," Shepard mutters to herself.
"And despite the fact that she would hate you and you'd have to bodily remove her from the Normandy, Tali is our best tech expert. And we can actually trust her."
Shepard sighs in defeat. "We'll see. I hope she agrees to go back to the Flotilla, though."
"It would be nice to have more familiar faces. Or... masks. Uh, well, you know what I mean." Garrus shrugs. "Any news on Wrex? Liara?"
Shepard hesitates. She hasn't talked about Liara with anyone, hasn't even mentioned xir besides asking the Illusive Man about xir whereabouts.
So many unsaid words. So many wrong words said - little words, easily discarded and ignored... but still wrong. She'll have to deal with this soon, way too soon, even if all she feels well enough to do right now is killing.
"They told me Wrex is on Tuchanka. Liara - xe is on Illium." Shepard drinks to keep herself from stuttering further, to disguise the tightening in her stomach and her lips. "We have to go there later, find two more people."
Garrus shifts a little, probably picking up on her discomfort. "Xe'll be happy to see you," he assures Shepard quietly, and that just makes everything worse.
Her memories may be tampered, and Shepard can't be completely certain that the pit of regret and the memories of tension and silence and feelings of outright worthlessness around Liara are entirely real. She has no way of being certain that, right before dying, she had been trying to come to terms with the fact that she had, once again, fucked up a relationship somehow and had been working up the nerve to do the right thing and end it.
Or maybe the whole "tampered memory" thing is just wishful thinking. Maybe she's trying to work around the facts because she can't stand to think of herself as failing - again. Especially when the relationship had just lasted a few short months.
"We'll see," Shepard says darkly, looking intently at her bottle. 'And I guess we'll also see how I feel about xir when I see xir.'
"Well, whatever happens, I'm on your six, Shepard," Garrus assures her, his tone light and certain. Loyalty comes easy for him, it seems, and even if it's premature or if it doesn't last forever, it still manages to ground her again.
"I'm glad you're here," Shepard admits, and she doesn't want to make him uncomfortable, but she needs to let him know. "I'm glad someone from my old team is here. This whole thing would be… a lot more difficult without you."
That is a horrible understatement, but telling the whole truth would also be too much.
Garrus coughs, likely embarrassed. Shepard chuckles at the sight, especially since Garrus tries to look unflappable and smooth all the time. But she doesn't want to make him feel awkward.
She has been leaning heavily on him since she found him, increasingly today, and it's not fair.
(Can't be that selfish. Can't be that needy. Can't be depending on others so much, she has to pull her own weight and deal with her own bullshit. Can't be that selfish.)
"Had to be said. Now, I think I should go." Shepard stands up and sways a little. "Thank you. For, well, everything," she adds awkwardly.
Garrus gets on his feet. 'Always a gentleman', Shepard thinks with a fond scoff.
"Sure. Anytime, Shepard," Garrus says, holding out his bottle, suddenly cool and collected again and wow, he really is good at slipping into that façade; it's almost seamless.
"Goodnight, Garrus." Shepard waves at him as she leaves, shaking her head.
.-
Notes:
Yes, Jack has biotic charge. Why not? Just imagine the mayhem (Iron Bull voice: MAYHEEEEM!)
Also, Jack being a teacher gives me so much joy I just had to have her use her amazing methods to help Shepard - consider it training for ME3.