Sorry for the double upload: I can't do math at 2 AM.
A light shines on my face.
"Welcome, Everyone! On today's episode of 'Bumper Feud,' we have some special guests!" The host greets the camera. "I'm Fukishou Tamagari, your host."
How did I end up here?
Ah, yes Shino went and did something annoying again. Of course, she means well, but...
The host continues his pre show spiel while I look around. This show has eight contestants, who have to make it through ridiculous trials to be the last pair standing (groups of two, for four teams total) and win the grand prize. So, there's eight contestants. Obviously, I'm one of them, or they wouldn't be pointing that massive spotlight at my face. The rest of my... I hate to say it, but harem are here as well. Shino knows Fukishou on a personal basis, so she asked if she could set up a special version of the show. He had agreed, and well, one of her stipulations was that should would be here. Aria, being one of the richest ladies in the country, is well know, and Suzu's making a name for herself. There's one more famous person, but I'll get to that.
Uomi, Nozomi, Kaede and I are partners to those famous people, There had been arguing over who was to go with who, but in the end it boiled down pretty predictably. Shino and Uomi were the most surprising, but the two do work really well together. They're so much on the same wavelength that I feel they should have been born twins.
I may have to look into that, though that thought is scary to imagine.
Kaede and Suzu are working together, since they're both legal personnel, and Aria and Nozomi are the third team.
The host steps back to introduce the teams to the crowd and the studio audience. "Today's show's theme is Boss-Subordinate relations! We've got some famous bosses ad some famous subordinates, and we're gonna see how well they can work together. First up, we have Shino Amakusa, the reporter, and the news-station coordinator, Chihiro Uomi."
That's not her real job. I don't think Uomi has a job. They're both lying out their asses. I resist heaving a sigh on camera, and my partner looks at me curiously.
They wave to the camera, and the crown inside the auditorium starts cheering. The host continues. "Next, we have the lovely Aria Shichijou and her secretary, Nozomi Mori." Nozomi bows politely, and Aria hefts her assets, bringing in cheers from all the horny guys. She definitely enjoying all the stares. At least they balance each other out? "Our third group this evening is The legal Duo, the lawyer Suzu Hagimura and the Bailiff Kaede Igarashi."
The two wave reservedly, but they still get cheers. When I look over, I can't help but notice that Suzu is currently on a small platform that raises her height about three inches to not look quite so short next to Kaede.
Lastly, the light in my face brightens and a fix a smile for the camera. "Last, but not least, The recent rising star of the Judo club, Mutsumi Mitsuba, and her Agent, Takatoshi Tsuda!"
Yes, Mutsumi had been dragged into this. Uomi wanted to bring Hata into the competition, but Shino has rejected that on the basis that Hata would be working with her which left Uomi and myself on a team, and how would that fit the theme?
Mutsumi waves to the (currently invisible, what with the spotlights in my eyes) crowd with startling enthusiasm. It seems she's really gotten used to standing on the stage. I wave half-heartedly beside her, hoping against all hope that this will be a short game for me. Though having the most athletic girl I know as my partner probably means that I have very little chance of getting off that easily.
Fukishou brings the microphone in close. "Mutsumi, you're really gaining popularity these days." He then extends the microphone out.
Mutsumi's grin seems to split her face. "Yup! I've had quite a few great fights recently, and I can't wait for the next one?"
The host looks amused and pokes the microphone my way. "Tsuda, when is that next match?"
Thankfully, I had discussed this with Mutsumi in the break room before the show started. "December fourth." I say calmly.
"And who is the next challenger?"
In a move we had practiced beforehand, we look at each other, back at the camera, and say "It's a secret!"
The crowd cheers some more, and the Host walks back to the Legal duo to ask them some questions.
I lean heavily on the podium I'm stuck behind and again resist the urge to sigh. I could be put on camera at any moment, I can't afford to look bored or annoyed.
Mutsumi leans in to whisper into my ear. "This is so exciting!"
I whisper back an agreement I don't really feel. If this was a single person game rather than a team thing, I'd drop out right after a few obstacles. As it stands, dropping out would mean Mutsumi would have a severe handicap of being the entire team, which isn't fair since if she wins I'd still get some of the prize money. So I had to at least hold up my end of the bargain.
The host finishes questioning the rest of the contestants, and the show truly begins. The stage splits apart, and the podiums start sinking into the floor. This is normal, since this entire building was apparently designed for these ridiculous game shows. Shino had said that the place cost a fortune to make, but since it was one of the best game shows around, it actually made back the ridiculous cost.
A tower rises up out of the center of the stage, coming to a stop when the top is about thirty feet up. Eight ropes drop down, and I notice that there are climbing studs on the side of the tower. Which are spinning. And then jets come up out of the stage as well and start shooting streams of foam seemingly at random, but generally at the tower.
He doesn't even have to say anything, I know we're going to have to climb that. It looks like there's more than one way we're allowed to climb, as those rocks won't be much use if you're also holding onto the rope.
Fukishou goes on to explain that the first participant to get to the top gets eight points, the second gets seven, and so on until the last person gets two points, and the one who never makes it to the top gets one point.
Ah, I think I forgot to mention. We're all dressed in regular clothes, t-shirts and shorts. I understand that these things get messy, and It would probably suck to wear a skirt in some of the challenges. I'm not going to comment on how hard Shino was attempting to push bloomers to Fukishou before the show.
Somehow, I feel like that's going to be me. The host directs us to stand in several spots around the tower, on opposite sides as our partner. On my left is Aria, who looks highly amused by the foam jets, and on my right is Shino. She smacks her fists together. "I'm gonna crush you, vice-pres."
"Not on your life, pres." I say, looking at the rope. If there's one thing I could possibly beat Shino at nowadays, it was my physical prowess. And hey, as long as I don't get dead last, Mutsumi and I actually have a decent shot of earning a bunch of points this round.
"GO!"
Everyone races to grab their rope or hit the wall, and I start climbing. Instead of trying to find purchase on the slippery, foam coated wall, I start shimmying up the rope. I lock my arms down, pull my feet up to my chest, and then stretch my hands up, inching up the rope.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see Aria attempting to scale the wall by planting her feet on the wall and using the rope to haul her body up. That would be a good idea, if the wall wasn't covered in... My hands suddenly feel slimy.
I look up to see that the rope had begun to foam. Not like the foam was dripping down, but like there is tubing inside spurting out foam. Actually, that's probably completely right.
In any case, the rope is not a lot harder to maintain a grip on. My hands slide a bit even as I think, and I realize that I might be in trouble.
"And the first to make it to the top is Mutsumi!" Fukishou announces. The crowd cheers.
What surprises me next is- "Second to reach the top, Uomi!"
Oh, crap. I look at Shino. She's scaling the rocks like a rock wall, ignoring the rope completely. She doesn't seem to be bothered by the rotating handholds and footholds, constantly shifting her weight around and always moving her limbs to snag a new foothold before she loses her grip.
If she makes it up ahead of me, Uomi and Shino will have a tie with us Some spark of competitive spirit rises up inside me. I start scaling the rope with a new determination.
Until Shino suddenly stars coming over at a diagonal, interfering with my space. It makes it a bit hard to scrabble up a rope when someone keeps kicking at the bottom of the rope. It's clearly on purpose, but I figure interference must be allowed.
Also, two can play at that game. I swing on the rope and bump into my former boss, and she narrows her eyes.
'Number three, Kaede!"
"Number four, Nozomi!"
"Number five, Suzu!"
Shino and I are neck and neck, almost at the top. We're definitely slowing each other down, or else I don't think Suzu would ever have beaten me.
One last push towards the top! I push upwards with my legs and stretch my hand up-
I got the railing! The railing around the outer rim! My other hand swings up, and I start hauling myself up and over, swinging a leg up, and desperately rolling over on top of the platform-
"Number six, Takatoshi, and Number seven right behind him, Shino!"
Out of curiosity, I peer over the edge to find Aria sprawled on the ground spread eagle, covered in foam. She seems happy in any case, so who am I to judge?
There's a commercial break, and everyone is given a brief moment to plan their next move. See, the next zone is going to be a combination question and obstacle course. Each team will be given two questions, and then once solved the answers would have to be retrieved from the other side of an obstacle course. This is complicated by the fact that each question is only revealed once the previous answer is correctly gotten.
Right now, the points sit at:
11 for Mutsumi and I
10 for Suzu and Kaede
9 for Shino and Uomi
and bringing up the rear, 6 points for Aria and Nozomi.
However, this next event...
While the commercials are still going, the host told us all how the scoring works. Both partners will need to solve one problem, and then send the other to grab an answer, which is written on a cube about a foot in all dimensions. Again, the points stack up the same way as last round.
This worries me. Out of the former Ousai student council, I was certainly the least intelligent. Aria and Shino are pretty smart, and Suzu's a literal genius. Nozomi and Uomi were also very good from all of Shino's accounts. From what I remember, Kaede wasn't a slouch either. For our team...
Mutsumi continues to stare right at my face, a pleasant smile on hers. She almost failed her last math test, didn't she? The one that would mean she'd have to retake third year?
I have the distressing feeling that we're going to come in last in this particular competition.
The commercial break ends and the host starts chattering away at the camera again. He's talking to Aria and Nozomi about something, but I ignore them is favor of watching the stage rise up.
Instead of a vertical climb, this course is horizontal. There's two main platforms. One with cubes on them, one with the problems. In between the platforms is a pit of foam blocks like they have in gyms where they train gymnasts and three oddly angled platforms on poles between the platforms. As I watch, the oddly angled platforms start to rotate, meaning the angle is constantly shifting.
Alright, once the competition is over, I'm going to interrogate Shino and ask where the studio gets its funding from. If the answer is Aria-
"Ladies and gentlemen!" The announcer cuts off my train of thought.
Oh well. I smile wanly at Mutsumi and prepare for the worst.
"What... What was with those questions!" I pant. Damn, those foam cubes are hard to move through.
Mutsumi still looks confused. "I get that one about tigers, but why is a tonne of feathers more than a tonne of lead? Lead is clearly heavier."
I shake my head. "No, not heavier, they both weigh a single tonne. The correct result was neither." I should have expected riddles. These are supposed to be relatively easy, as this competition is supposed to be able to be played by anyone. Difficult math would be crazy.
Mutsumi frowns at me. "That seems wrong."
"Thus, it's the challenge question." I look dismally at the "Lead" block in her hands.
As predicted, the other teams had an advantage over us in the smarts department, but the moving platforms allowed us to have at least a few points. 3 and 1, bringing our total to 15.
Kaede and Suzu did well. Their team has a good balance between physical and mental what with Suzu's brains and Kaede's surprising athletics. I guess if you have to be able to arrest someone in court, you have to be athletic. Kaede brought back their first cube to snag eight points, and Suzu managed to snag the fifth spot bringing them to 22 points.
Shino and Uomi got 3rd and 7th places, and Nozomi and Aria ("It's unfair that they can move like that with their centers of balance off by so much." - Shino) got 2nd and 4th.
The scoreboard for the last event looks like this:
In a complete reversal, team Legal in front with 22 points
Aria and Nozomi have 18 points
Shino and Uomi in 3rd with 17 points,
And we're suddenly in last with 15.
Actually, this isn't that bad. This way, the game is relatively close and still interesting to play. We'll probably both need to be in the top half to win, but it's still feasible.
So, it's time to find out what the last challenge is!
A vat of green goo is rolled in from the side and eight diving boards are erected. I've actually seen this before. Everyone gets on one of the boards, and they go around asking questions in turn. If you get it wrong, your board tilts into the goo pit. If you answer correctly, everyone's but yours and your partner's tilts a bit. The boards themselves are slippery and it's hard to maintain your grip on them. Unlike the first two events, points are assigned loser first, meaning that the first person to drop into the pool gets one point, second gets 2, etc.
I wonder what the questions will be like? We're instructed to climb onto our boards and given two water balloons.
Aria, next to me, laughs at my blank stare. "Those are to make sure we don't grab the sides." She gives her ballons a few squeezes, somehow managing to make the gesture erotic. I think it was the lip licking. If you had asked me three days ago, I would have wanted a copy of the video for research purposes but as it stands...
The host gives his spiel and turns to us contestants. "Are you all ready?"
We all cheer, and I hope I don't look too forced.
"Who was Bram Stoker?" He wrote Dracula.
"What kind of plant grows on a sloth?" Algae.
The host goes around a few times and the platforms rise slightly every other question. With the first round of easy questions, everyone gets elevated roughly evenly. We also get our first knockout four questions in when Shino attempts to stand up to show off and slides into the pit of goo for her troubles.
Honestly, watching the look of terror on her face as her foot slides out from under her is worth suffering the rest of the competition.
From that point on, the competition heats up.
Kaede is the next to go, by virtue of accidentally popping one of her balloons in her grip when the host gets too close to her, which prompted the host to press a button and drop her into the goo.
"What does RAM stand for in computer terms?" Random Access Memory.
"How long do bottlenose dolphins live in the wild on average?" 30-50 years.
Nozomi answers a problem wrong and losses her fight against gravity on the question "What is the average delay on the bullet train?" (Answer's about forty seconds.)
The next few rounds go by in a blur, the time to answer steadily shrinking. The questions are from all walks of life, from politics to daily life to anime and manga.
Surprisingly, the next to go is Suzu. She is asked a question about an anime or all things. It's very specific, and I'm not surprised she missed it. Coupled with two rounds of other people getting mostly correct answers and she is dumped into the goo. WIth that, the Legal team retires with 28 points.
Uomi is asked a question pertaining to international politics. "Who is the current head of the EU?"
She stalls for a moment, but I watch her out of the corner of my eye as a grin spreads across her face. "Oh well." She relaxes and slides down her platform creating a small wave at the bottom. Somehow, the goo doesn't seem to slow her down much as she takes a lap around the pool before getting out and heading to the back to change.
With Uomi's fourth place finish, she gets five points, which puts them at 23 points total.
Somehow, both Mutsumi and I are still in the running, but... well, Mutsumi's ramp is already pretty high. She hasn't answered many of the questions correctly, and her platform is jacked up nearer to vertical than anyone else's board. She seems to be holding on to thin air with how hard she's concentrating. It's not long before her turn comes up.
"What kind of math do you use to find the angles inside a triangle from its sides?"
Mutsumi's concentration slips and so does she, about four cm. She hurriedly tries to think of the answer, coming up with "Algebra?"
"Sorry, the answer is Trigonometry." Mr. Tamagari grins and presses his button.
Mutsumi desperately tries to keep her grip. For a moment, it even looks like she might even remain on top of the board despite it's near 50 degree angle.
Then she drops one of the balloons to grab into the edge of the platform. The balloon pops as it hits the stage, and the host gets to push his oversized button once again to dump the martial artist the rest of the way into the slime. She still looks remarkably cheery for all of that.
I look over at the scoreboard. We have 21 points, but we don't have any points from this round yet. Aria is sitting up there serenely, almost without a care. She has twenty-one points as well, which means... that whoever knocks the other out will be the winner. The loser ties with the Legal team.
I slowly turn my head to face the rich girl.
She offers up her tranquil smile that she wears in public. I know what's behind that mask, woman. "Ready to take a goop bath?"
"I think I'd rather see you take one." I'd come up with a snappier comeback, but I'm focusing intently on not falling in. the soles of my shoes are the only thing resisting the inevitable pull of gravity, and just barely at that. I'd say, one, maybe two more raises before I drop. Despite her confidence, I don't think Aria's really going to be able to hold on much longer.
Fukishou steps up next to my platform. "You two are the last contenders! How does it feel to have come this far against the illustrious Miss Shichijou?"
I glance at him slowly. We're really doing this now? He gives me a subtle nod. "I guess it-" I almost say normal. After all, Aria is almost a permanent fixture in my life. Ain't that a scary thought. "- it's kind of impressive. I didn't think a rich lady like her would last this long."
he grins his trademarked grin and glances at his cue card. "Alright, now to the personal questions!"
...Huh?
"What is Miss Shichijouu's primary maid's name?"
I blink at him. "Dejima?"
Fukishou raises an eyebrow. "That's correct!"
The crowd starts mumbling amongst themselves in a bit of confusion. It takes me a minute to realize that someone like me has very little reason to know her maid's name.
Aria's platform jacks up just a tiny bit, and I swear she slips just the tiniest bit. If she gets the next question wrong-
"Alright Miss Shichijou, how do you feel about this competition so far?"
"I think that that commoner over their has kept up quite admirably." Her serene smile slips ever so briefly in favor of a predatory grin.
The host laughs. "Alright, alright. So here's your question about the 'commoner.' Which does he prefer- boxers or briefs?"
"Oy." I retort. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see Shino cracking up. I bet she supplied both the question and the answer. Actually, now that I think back on it, she was asking everyone odd questions last night... And since Aria definitely knows this answer-
"Briefs."
My platform jacks up another increment and I can feel my shoes losing traction. I take a slow breath and focus as much of my being on being still as I can.
Given how precarious the two of us are, I think this next question will be the last. If I answer right, I win, if I get it wrong, she wins.
I focus my entire being on sticking to the platform as the host reads his cue card, then blinks and re-reads it.
A feeling of dread grips my spine. What could possibly...?
Fukishou looks up at me with his back to the camera so his apologetic expression isn't shown on TV. "Takatoshi, what are Miss Shichijou's three sizes?"
I almost lose my balance right then and there, but the crowd suddenly hushes and it feels like the eyes of the world fall onto me.
"Er, can you repeat that?" I ask, with the tiniest trace of hope in my voice. "'Cause I could have sworn you just asked for her three sizes."
"That's exactly right!" He regains his cheerful smile through sheer force of will.
"That's three questions in one." I protest.
"Does that mean you can't answer?"
I sigh. If this isn't a catch 22, I don't know what is. "82-64-75." I let my face go slack. Of course I know her measurements. She practically announces them to me every time she gets measured, for whatever reason. I mean, I can guess several reasons, but I don't care to contemplate most of them.
Aria accepts her fate and slides into the goo.
A wave of relief passes over me... hey, when did I start taking this so seriously? I could have just given up and not answered the question- I just said that out loud, in public. On a recorded broadcast.
I can feel hateful stares pointed in my direction. This includes the host beside me, but he recovers before the camera can get anything more than the tail end of his displeasure.
He rapidly clicks his button, and I'm practically launched into the goo right behind the wealthy heiress.
I don't actually watch Japanese game shows or American ones. I used to watch Wipeout with friends occasionally, but that's not a large sample size.
Oh, and I've seen some of the humiliation clips from the Japanese shows, but... well, the entire thing would be one big "Aria is a pervert" joke.