Disclaimer: I do not own Shingeki no Kyojin.
iv. Oobune ni notta you
—A feeling of safety—
安
When Mikasa wakes up, she feels lightheaded. She feels sick, like always, and it's like the world is tilting. But this time, she feels warm. This time, she doesn't feel the cold floor. All she can feel is the soft blanket over her body and the pillow under her head. For a moment she can't think. And in her panic, she's sitting upright, gasping for air. She pushes a hand through her hair and tries to catch her breath. Where is she? Why is it so warm? Why is she—
And then it hits her. She's no longer in a cage.
Memories of yesterday flip through her mind. Krista. Mina. Levi. Erwin. Warmth. So much warmth. A scarf. Panic—safety. All these feelings, all these memories, are overwhelming. She thinks she can't breathe properly. She thinks she's going to explode for some reason.
She pauses and squints her eyes. She thinks she heard something.
Knock. Knock.
She freezes as the door opens and she can see Levi. He looks at her wordlessly, leaning casually against the doorframe and his eyes unwavering. "Are you just going to stay in bed all day?" he questions, raising a brow.
Mikasa shakes her head. Although she wants to, she can't. She needs to be productive. "Well, there's breakfast so fix yourself and do whatever girls do then come to the kitchen," he tells her, rubbing the back of his neck before pushing himself off the wall. With one last glance, he turns away.
Mikasa releases a breath she didn't know she was holding. Her eyes close and she leans against the headboard of the bed, trying to comprehend the situation. She tries to accept the fact that she's no longer bound to anyone, or at least that's what Levi said. He said yesterday that she's no longer a slave. Is that true? She doesn't know. Maybe he's lying. Maybe he's not.
It's half past eight when she walks into the kitchen. Levi's sipping on a cup of tea while reading a book and Erwin's flipping through the morning paper. A plate full of rice, eggs and bacon is on the table and judging from the other empty plates, they've already eaten and that one is for her.
Licking her lips greedily, she eyes the man who saved her. He doesn't look back, and she guesses she doesn't need permission to eat. Quickly, but elegantly, she sits down in front of the plate full of food and makes a silent thanks before digging in. Levi lifts his gaze from the book he's reading to her. He looks partially amused.
"Finally," he breathes, carefully putting his cup back down. "I thought you'd never get up."
Mikasa almost apologizes but stops herself, nodding instead. "I, uh, just needed a while," she says in a whisper, looking at him through her bangs.
Levi's lip curls in disdain and he reaches forward to tuck her hair behind her ears, uncovering her eyes. "Let's have your bangs cut later," he muses, tilting his head to the side as he observes her. "Let's make your hair shorter too."
"Okay."
Erwin hides a smile behind the newspaper. "Are you fine with that, Mikasa?"
"Of course," the girl replies, ducking her head and poking her food. "Anything's fine."
Levi's gaze lingers on her for a little longer, and he places his chin on top of clasped hands. "You cut your hair with a knife or something sharp, didn't you?" he asks her, noticing the way her shoulders tense and memories flash in her eyes.
Mikasa mumbles a word that sounds like a yes, but Levi can't be sure. The echo of her voice is distant and very soft, so it's hard to tell. Anyway, Levi knows he won't be getting much information out of her. Quietly he starts to prepare himself, emptying his tea cup and closing the book in front of him. He tucks the thick hardbound under his arm and places his cup in the sink before heading for the doorway. "I'll be in my room if you need me," he announces grimly.
"Check the mail for me," Erwin says a little loudly for the short man to hear.
A minute or two later, she can hear him shout, "There's nothing here!" and hears a thud and curse altogether. "Shower as soon as you're finished, Mikasa. We're heading out before lunch."
Mikasa doesn't answer, but with the growing silence and the fading of his footsteps, she knows that he understands what she means to say. So, without a single thought in mind, she faces her plate and resumes eating, failing to notice the growing smile on Erwin's face.
安
Mikasa realizes that even though Levi looks cold-hearted and stony, he actually cares. Because despite the odds, he managed to fetch for a carriage that could actually ride through this weather and this thick pile of snow. He told her though that the carriage has a time limit and they need to be quick with their shopping or else they'll be left behind. And with their destination so far away from his house, that doesn't sound like a good thing.
Strolling through the streets, clad in a knitted sweater and thick jeans, along with boots that Levi claimed to be from a friend's, Mikasa can hardly hide her excitement. Everywhere she looks, there are shops ranging from small to big. She wonders why people still go out in this freezing weather, but she doesn't mind seeing so many people at once.
Levi, on the other hand, looks annoyed. With the looks he's giving people, she can tell he doesn't like being too social. This makes her cock her head in curiosity. But she doesn't ask anything, just in case it's a touchy subject.
Sometimes she can hear him muttering insults under his breath, all about the men and women walking past them. It makes her amused at how childish he sounds, but she'll never tell him that. She respects him, and she doesn't want him to think that she doesn't. So with tightly pressed lips, they enter a boutique shop. Mikasa stops by the entrance, looking uncertain as she sees the people that are inside.
They are all wearing expensive clothing, waving wads of cash as they laugh and pay for their items. They leave the shop afterwards, but not before glancing at her in disgust, muttering something under their breaths. Mikasa lowers her head in shame and embarrassment, curling her fingers into fists and pressing them against her thighs. They can probably tell that she's a slave, with her ungraceful appearance and her abnormally pale skin.
Suddenly Levi's back at her side, looking irritated when he looks at her. "Why didn't you go in? I was looking for you," he mutters while folding his arms across his chest. Mikasa swallows hard, lowering her head further. He contemplates over this action and sighs. "Don't mind them, they're the rotten part of this world."
Mikasa digs her nails into her palms, shoulders trembling. "This is no place for slaves."
"How so?" Levi questions, raising a fine arched brow. "You don't even look like one. They think anyone wearing normal clothes are slaves, so you don't have to worry. This is a shop for everyone."
She thinks about this for a while, unclenching her fists and fingering the indents on her palms. It doesn't hurt to try, she thinks. "Okay," she whispers in a raspy voice, allowing Levi to drag her inside by the wrist. A few of the saleswomen smile at her while two grimace, rolling their eyes and moving away from them.
Mikasa mostly stays beside Levi, letting the man pick out the clothes for her. "Let's get you maybe three coats?" he mumbles to her, glancing at her and then back at the rack of trench coats in front of them. "Or maybe four?"
She shrugs, face turning red. She thinks one is enough. Levi sighs and takes three, placing them on the counter where the woman smiles kindly at her. "Is there anything else, sir?" the woman asks, looking at Levi who nods.
"A lot more."
The woman looks delighted and Mikasa is once again dragged towards the clothes. Levi picks out many sweaters and shirts, but never sleeveless tops. He thinks they're stupid. He doesn't even think about getting tank tops for the summer because he claims shirts are enough. Mikasa knows this isn't the case though. Slaves mostly wear anything that is too revealing, so he's making sure that she doesn't look like that.
Mikasa trails behind the man wordlessly, and he leaves her to pick out her own underwear. But then he comes back with a stack of pants and shorts, along with simple dresses that he thought would look good on her. He never asked her to try all of them because he says he knows all of them will fit, but Mikasa doesn't know where that confidence comes from. Finally finished with the clothes, Levi pays the amount of money needed and she doesn't even want to think about how expensive the clothes are. They bring the bags into the carriage and Levi tells the driver that they have two more destinations.
Looking at the watch that Levi let her use, they only have about half an hour left before the carriage's time is up. They have to get moving soon or else the horses will be restless.
Together they enter a shop full of shoes, and Mikasa almost feels dizzy with how pretty they all are. She also knows that the prices are in big numbers, so she almost feels like stepping out for some air. Levi, however, pulls her right back in and makes her sit on one of the cushioned stools. "Wait here," he commands, disappearing into the back where her size is.
She makes herself busy by playing with the sleeve of her sweater. People walk past her and try on shoes, laughing when they aren't the correct size. Mikasa shies away from the prying eyes, and the suggestions of some women who tell her to try slippers or heels. But it's been a long time since she last wore shoes. Even now, the boots she's wearing feels weird and tight even though they're actually pretty big for her feet.
That just shows how long she's been a slave. She's gotten so used to being one that doing normal things feels weird. Even having her hair cut. When she still lived in that cold cell, all she had was a jagged glass shard that was sharp enough to cut her hair. It was hard and she always wounded her hand in the process, but she hated long hair. Especially down there, it was so dirty and she felt grimy enough with her shoulder-length cut.
Of course, the end-result was never nice. Her hair looked messy every time she trimmed it but she didn't have it in her to complain. Now that she's going to have an actual haircut though… she doesn't know what to feel. Happy? Confused? Scared?
She shakes her head, heaving a sigh just before Levi walks back with a three shoeboxes. "I got you slippers for the house, warm shoes and boots. We'll buy more in the future but for now, these are enough," he explains, telling her to stand up. She complies and follows him to the cashier where the woman smiles fondly at the two of them. Judging from the relaxed shoulders of the man, she guesses they're very good friends and that he trusts her.
"Who's your friend, Levi?" the woman asks, tucking her hair behind her ear when she looks at Mikasa. "She's beautiful."
Mikasa flushes, hiding behind Levi although the man's too short to hide her full form. "She's Mikasa," Levi says softly, his eyes looking tender when they meet the woman's. "She'll be in my care from now on."
The woman's smile widens. "She's a very lucky girl then."
"Is that so?"
"Naturally."
Mikasa ignores Levi's bemused gaze, observing the way the light shone on the marbled floor and watching a bunch of children argue about which shoe is best. Any shoe is best, she thinks to herself. Any is fine as long as they cover your feet.
Ah, but the children wouldn't think like that, would they?
"Mikasa," she hears him call out, and she blinks as she realizes he's already by the door. "Let's go have your hair cut."
安
Mikasa realizes how cold she is when they get inside. Levi slips through her side and hangs his coat on the rack, pushing his hand through his hair while muttering a string of curses. He calls out for Erwin but hears no response. Saying something along the lines of "the bastard probably went somewhere," he leaves her by the door and strides into the living room. Like yesterday, he stands in front of the fireplace. He throws a burning piece of paper in the pit and watches the flames flicker.
Mikasa moves to stand close to the fire, just a few feet away from the man. A breath of relief leaves her when she feels that slow spreading warmth. It feels amazing. It feels surreal.
"How do you like your haircut?"
She closes her eyes and lowers her head. She can feel the newly cut ends brush against her neck and it tickles, but she doesn't mind. She bites her bottom lip, trying to suppress a smile. "I… like it," she says at last, reaching up to run her fingers through them. She repeats this for a couple times, because each moment lasts for only such a while and the strands are too short for her to completely feel them.
She feels different.
She opens her eyes and finds Levi staring at her. The fire makes his skin look frightening, but somehow she doesn't feel any fear. Somehow all she can think about is her gratitude and how she will forever repay him. It doesn't sound like a bad idea. In fact, she doesn't mind it at all. She wants to serve him until her last breath. She wants to stay by his side until he finds a new family. She'll serve them too, because that's how much she owes him. Everything.
Levi is the first to break the silence. It's subtle. He takes a deep breath, filling his lungs with air, and then exhales. "You and I…" he pauses, placing his hand on his hip and the other pinching the bridge of his nose, "we're not going to be like the rest."
Mikasa furrows her eyebrows, confused. "What do you mean?"
He looks at the ceiling, almost in annoyance, before looking back at her. "We're not going to be like normal masters and slaves. You and I, are going to be friends. You won't be a slave. You were never a slave. I'm not your master."
She doesn't get it. "Why?"
"Because I despise the idea," Levi answers immediately, wrinkling his nose in disgust as his arm falls limp to his side. "I don't like the idea of ordering someone around. I don't like seeing people wearing collars or being treated like dogs. It's fucking disgusting."
She still doesn't get it. "But why?"
"I just—"
"I don't understand." Why?
"I said I—"
She doesn't understand. "Why?"
"Because you're human!" Levi shouts, his voice piercing through the air and silencing her. "No one deserves to be degraded into animals, especially you!"
She's left speechless. She doesn't know what to think or to say. But she's aware of her own heartbeat. She's aware that it's racing faster than it's ever been before. She can hear it in her head. She can feel it slamming against her chest. It's terrifying and she doesn't know why.
Levi falls back sideways on the couch. He hides his face under one arm, the other on top of his abdomen. It's silent aside from the crackling fire. She scratches the back of her ear, eyes casted on the floor. She wants to say something—anything, but she doesn't know what. She wants to tell him that he's wrong, that she doesn't deserve this much kindness, but that just seems rude. She doesn't know which is right and which is wrong anymore.
She heaves a shaky sigh and licks her lips. Under her breath, she whispers numbers and at the count of three, moves to kneel beside the couch. She's trembling so much that she's losing her balance, but she uses the edge of the couch as support. Lowering her head, she swallows hard.
"Mister, I—"
"Levi."
She stops in her thoughts, eyes wide with surprise.
"Just… call me Levi."
Her mouth is left open in unspoken words, but she can't even think about them anymore. Suddenly she's crying and she doesn't know why. Is it because of how kind this man is? Or is it because she doesn't deserve such kindness?
She covers her face with both hands while her shoulders shake with every shuddering sob. "I d-don't understand, h-how you can be t-this nice to a stranger a-and a slave at the same t-time," she gasps, shaking her head to put emphasis on her confusion. "I d-d-don't deserve any of this."
"You don't have to understand, Mikasa," Levi whispers, dropping his arm and shifting his head to the side. His eyes soften at the sight of her breakdown. "All you have to do is accept the new life you have. It won't be easy. You will still be mocked. You will still be treated like a slave, most likely by other people but definitely not by Erwin and me. People will make you feel shame. They will humiliate you, ridicule you and some will even attempt to buy you from me."
Mikasa tenses at that and she drops her hands.
"Some may even try to kill you," he tells her, reaching out to feel the tips of her hair. "There's no guarantee that I can stop everyone from doing those things to you. I can't promise that I'll always be kind. I am very short-tempered, and if you do something that irritates me I will surely yell at you. But I will never, ever, hurt you."
Their eyes meet, and that one second, feels like an eternity.
"I won't hit you with a leather belt, or with anything else. I will yell at you in the calmest voice I can manage. I won't humiliate you. I can't promise any of this, but I swear I will try," he says in this low tone that makes her eyelids heavy. She nods, and for a moment she thinks she sees him smile.
"I can't always stay by your side," he adds as an afterthought, his hand dropping on her shoulder. He gives it a little squeeze that makes her cries lessen. "But this home is your home now. Whoever attempts to hurt you will have to deal with me. Erwin can help you too, he's the same. He's a bastard sometimes, but he means well."
Mikasa draws in a deep breath and nods. "Okay."
"Good." Levi closes his eyes and lays his arm over them once again. "I will make you clean the whole house if I ever hear you tell yourself you're unworthy."
"Okay."
"Good."
They fall into peace after that. Mikasa wipes away the rest of her tears and switches to a much more comfortable sitting position. The flames are slowly dying now, and it's supposed to be getting colder, but ever since she's been here all she feels is warmth. Even now, as the last of the fire fades away, she feels warm. It doesn't feel chilly. It doesn't feel uneasy.
It feels like this household is finally home. This building, although it isn't where she grew up, is something different now. It surely isn't the coziest and definitely not the best, but it's her house now. And she knows that this home is a place that she can surely return to.
Aien Kien - shared bond, mysterious bond, "uncanny relationship formed by a quirk of fate,"
安 - safe, peaceful
A/N: Oh my god, it's been what, two months? Sorry about that, school is hell and yeah, but I'm glad I was able to finish this tonight! I already knew how I wanted this to turn out, but somehow it was very hard to write it and in the end, it didn't turn out the way I wanted it to. Nevertheless, I think it's good enough and the length is okay too. Btw, Levi's behavior is strange, but there is a reason why he's like this. That, of course, will be revealed in the future! If you have any questions, you can ask me and if you saw any mistakes, please do tell me.
If you don't mind, could you drop a review? It motivates me to write more :)