Chapter 4

Ace stood in the vast console room and looked around, then up, and then around again, and finally she went over to the console.

"This looks nothing like the Tardis I know," she said quietly.

The Ninth Doctor looked up from the console and smiled.

"I redecorated in a big way!"

Ace suddenly felt alone, and an ache began to grow in her heart as she thought of her Professor.

"Are you okay?"

Rose closed her hand gently over her arm, and Ace turned to her and looked into her eyes, saw such kindness there and started to cry.

"I don't think I should go, I keep thinking of him on his own without me –"

"We're already in flight," the Doctor said, "We'll be in Perivale in a few minutes. Ace, I remember how I felt back then, when I was him. It ripped me up inside to see you so upset, it really did. It made me feel worse. In many ways I felt better off fighting the toxin on my own."

She looked at him in confusion.

"But I love him, I should be with him –"

"Not if you can't handle it," he told her, stepping away from the console and joining her and Rose, "I know I'm right. I've had many faces and with each face different aspects of me have prominent – but I'm always the same man deep down inside, I'm always the Doctor and that part of me remains the same – I remember how I felt back then, and I'd feel the same way now. I know I didn't make the wrong choice."

Then his eyes softened as he reached for her and placed his hands on her shoulders.

Rose stepped back, turning to the console as she suddenly felt pushed out, but then she reasoned that hanging around with a many centuries old Timelord would mean he had to bump into an old flame once in a while…

"And I remember you used to call me Professor. I loved to hear you call me that!"

"It's hard to believe you're him – you look so different," Ace told him.

He leaned closer to her, keeping his hands on her shoulders.

"Look into my eyes and don't look away, just for a minute…"

Ace looked deeply into his eyes. As she looked deeper his eyes seemed to change, the iris shifting until she was looking into the eyes of the man she loved once more.

She drew in a sharp breath.

"I can see him in you!"

He smiled and playfully touched the tip of her nose just like the Professor often did.

"He's still in here," he told her softly, tapping a finger to his temple.

Her eyes widened.

"Tell me! What did he do after I left? Did he miss me, did he suffer?"

He took his hands off her shoulders and stepped back, He blinked and all trace of her Professor was gone from his eyes.

"Your Professor got on with the treatment," he told her, "It wasn't easy but he got through it. And if you really want some good news, I know for a fact he won't be hooked up to that IV for the next fourteen days. He comes to fetch you back much sooner than you expect."

Hope shone in her eyes.

As she started to smile, he felt his twin hearts ache for a long ago love as he smiled back at her.

"Okay," he said softly, "You want to know? I'll tell you. The anti toxin takes five days to work. Five, not fourteen. And the treatment is very rough on him and it's another three days before he's well enough to come and pick you up in the Tardis. But he will be back on his feet in eight day's time and the first thing he'll do is come and get you."

Her smile faded.

"You said it's rough on him, rough in what way?"

The Ninth Doctor hesitated.

"Just be glad you won't be apart as long as you expected."

"No!" she said defiantly, "I want to know!"

"And now I remember how persistent you used to be when you wanted the truth…okay, I'll tell you. But I don't want you crying over him. I didn't want it then when I was him, and I still don't want it now!"

Ace looked at him intently.

"Just tell me," she said in a hushed voice.

And Rose turned away from the console and looked at the man she knew as the Doctor and found herself blinking away tears; she had never imagined there had been a time, even in another life, when he had been so desperately ill…

"The anti toxin will work rapidly," he told her, "But he's going to go through a lot of pain, fever, vomiting, and it's going to be severe. You'll be shocked that he can lose so much weight in the space of eight days. And he will lose some of his hair and he does get it cut - but please don't get upset about it – I remember, I wasn't bothered by it at all until you cried over it, so can you please try and change that this time around?"

Ace nodded.

"Okay…I'll try not to get upset."

"When you see him again," he said, "He will look like he's been through a lot, but at the same time, he will be so much better. And he's going to recover fast. The toxin levels in his bloodstream do rise again, but by the time that starts up, it's still low enough to respond to the cure. And the cure works, it will wipe the virus from his body forever."

Ace stared at him.

"What is the cure?"

"I can't tell you that," he replied, "I can't risk the timeline. But it turns out okay. That's all you need to know. Trust me, he's going to recover. But he will be a bit weak for a while; it's going to take a couple of months for him to get over everything he's been through. But in a matter of a few short weeks he's going to look just like your Professor again."

"So he makes a full recovery?" Ace still sounded worried.

"Yes he does."

And he turned away and threw a switch on the console.

"Right, you're back in Perivale. Time to go, Ace…"

"No."

He gave a weary sigh, recalling many conversations that had taken place a few regenerations back that had been identical to this one – Ace never let up until she got all the answers…

"What's the matter? I've told you everything."

"No, you haven't. I can see it in your eyes. Like you said, you're him. And I can always tell when he's hiding something from me!"

He paused for thought and then nodded.

"All right, I'll tell you. It's like this: The anti toxin is very powerful, even for a Timelord to handle. Your Professor has a rather colourful reputation in the opinion of his other selves. Some like him, some don't. Some think he's shifty and manipulating and a keeper of dark secrets. But we all agree on one thing – we all respect him for the way he fought back against the Master's toxin. I respect him a lot, I think he's got guts. I look back on what he went through and I'd rather regenerate than suffer like that!"

She shook her head.

"I don't get it…you're still not giving me an answer."

"Just be thankful you've still got him, that he gets through this and recovers. He couldn't have done it without the treatment lowering the toxin levels to a point where it was weak enough for the cure to wipe it out. Just enjoy the fact that you can wake up next to him every day for the rest of your life. Don't wish for the things you can't have."

"Like what?" Ace asked.

He glanced to Rose, who was also looking at him intently, and then he turned back to Ace.

"The anti toxin's effects will stay with him for the rest of his life. The damage can't be undone until he regenerates. You won't be able to have a family, the drugs will destroy his fertility. You can make love with him forever but you'll never have his children. Sorry, but you wanted the truth."

"We haven't talked about children yet," she said quietly.

"Well don't," he told her, "Leave it alone. He's going to have that one regret forever, that you and him could never have a family. Just don't dwell on it."

And then he put his arm around her and led her to the door of the Tardis.

"Just think about him coming back in the Tardis when the hardest fight of his life is over and all he wants to do is hold you in his arms, that's all that matters – you don't lose him."

And then he opened the door and she stepped outside.

"Remember what he said," he told her, "Happy thoughts, Ace, forget about the rest."

She nodded, and then he smiled.

"Eight days," he reminded her, "It's not long to wait."

He closed the door of the Tardis and she turned away as it vanished once more.

And then Ace took in a deep breath, clung to the fact that her Professor would be coming back, and then she walked slowly along the tree-lined street as she wondered what her mother would say when she opened the door and found her standing there on the doorstep…

As the Doctor woke from sleep, he opened his eyes and felt cautiously relieved that the aches in his bones seemed to have gone.

And then as he saw Carla at his bedside, he smiled.

"I'm feeling better already."

"You've been asleep for twelve hours," she told him, "We have to start the main treatment tomorrow. I hope you're ready for this."

And he patted the edge of his bed.

"Come and sit down with me, if you've got time – I need to talk to you, Carla."

She sat down and looked at him fondly, and as their eyes met she felt a sudden ache in her heart as she pictured the worst outcome, the anti toxin having no effect – and she quickly dashed that thought away, because he had been troubled enough seeing Ace shed tears and he certainly didn't need her doing it too…

"What's on your mind, Doctor?" she asked him.

"I found that first treatment very hard to deal with. I'm not sure I can take any more of it."

And then he fell silent as he looked into her eyes, waiting for a response.

"No, you did cope," she told him, "You had no complications, you came through it well. If you back out now, all you have left is the implants and when they fail – which will be a matter of months – you're out of options."

"If I can't handle the treatment once it's started, I'm still out of options."

"You have to try."

She took hold of his hand. He gently held on to it, looking down at her slender fingers and suddenly feeling as if he never wanted her to let go. His emotions were overwhelming him, and he had not expected that to happen.

"You've done so much for me," he told her, "And I appreciate every single effort you've made to keep me alive. You didn't give up even when I wanted to give up. No matter when I die, I still owe this extra time to you."

She smiled briefly, avoiding his gaze as his dark eyes met hers and the look lingered and she suddenly felt too aware of their closeness.

"I'm determined to save you," she said softly, "I couldn't bear to lose you, Doctor."

And then she let go of his hand, hoping she had not said too much, and swiftly changed the subject as she met his gaze once more.

"Where's Ace? I wanted to talk to you both about the side effects of the anti toxin."

"She went back to earth," he replied.

Carla shot him a look of surprise.

"When?"

"A few hours ago, when another Doctor came to visit. He took her home to earth in his Tardis. I asked her to leave, she wasn't coping. I'll pick her up when the treatments over."

"I wanted to talk to you both."

"Well you'll just have to talk to me instead."

She didn't delay all she had to explain.

"I don't know if you and Ace have thought about starting a family, but it's not going to happen after you've had the anti toxin. It causes sterility."

The Doctor briefly closed his eyes as he drew in a slow breath.

"Oh well, I can't miss what I don't have. And Ace has never mentioned starting a family. I was diagnosed as terminal when we married. We didn't exactly bother planning for a future."

And then he looked back at Carla.

"Like you said, this is my only chance. I have to take it. I just want to have my life back with Ace. That's my only ambition now."

"And you will have lots of time with her," Carla promised him, "I'll make sure of it."

"So that's all I have to worry about?" he asked her "Everything else is covered?"

"You might lose some hair due to the anti toxin. It might not be severe, it could be minimal, but it will definitely be less noticeable if you have it cut. Do you want me to do that for you, or not?"

"Something else for her to cry over," he said quietly, and then he ran a hand over his dark hair.

"I'm really not bothered about it – but if I look a bit better for Ace when she sees me again, then yes, I think I should have it cut."

"I'll do that for you later tonight," she told him, "There's no need to do it just yet. You try and get some rest, I'll bring you some dinner in a couple of hours."

"I don't feel like eating."

"You have to try," she told him, "You need to save your strength."

As she left the room the Doctor gave a sigh and wondered how he could face food after how sick he had felt such a short time ago. Then he turned his gaze to the window and looked out across the rolling fields to the place where land gave way to sea and then sea met with horizon. His thoughts stretched far beyond this planet as he thought of the distance as nothing, a short flight in the Tardis – and there was Ace, on Earth and without him.

"I miss you," he murmured, "But I'll see you soon, I promise."

And then he stopped thinking of Ace, because he wanted to face these difficult days without being weighed down by extra concerns. He closed his eyes and decided to try and grab some more sleep, because even though resting and sleeping was a boring way to spend the day, he knew it was necessary, because strength was precious and soon he would need every last reserve to get him through the treatment.

Ace had lingered on the doorstep before she pressed the bell.

She had thought of her difficult relationship with her mother, of how they had never seen eye to eye on anything, of how she had rebelled…No doubt her rebellion had hurt her other, she could see that now she stood here a young woman in her twenties, it was easy to look back and understand… But it didn't make seeing her again any easier.

She had tried to mend bridges over the years. But her mother still gave her the here comes trouble look, and of course, she did not like the Professor. Ace had told her he was a traveller, and she travelled with him. She had also said the Doctor's name was John Smith and he was a scientist. She had omitted the part about him being alien – there were some things her mother didn't need to know, because that really would have tipped the balance for her, it was enough that she had already decided long ago that Dorothy's Professor was a dirty old man who had a young woman under his spell…

Ace made a silent vow not to fight with her this time. She didn't understand, and she never would. Quarrelling about her choice of partner was pointless because it would change nothing, and if she didn't like the sight of the ring on her finger, she would have to live with it, because there was no way she was taking it off – ever.

The door opened.

Audrey stood there in pale jeans and a white blouse. Her streaked blonde hair was tied back and the trace of mascara she wore did nothing to brighten up her eyes as she looked wearily at Ace.

"Let me guess… you've had a quarrel. Or did he throw you out? Or has he found another woman?"

Ace looked at her mother. Then her eyes filled with tears.

She shook her head, still looking at her as words failed her.

"What's happened?"

That judgmental look was gone as Audrey saw real pain in her daughter's eyes, the kind that ran deep, the kind that frightened her, to see such sadness in the eyes of her own daughter.

"Ace?" she said, "What is it, what's happened?"

"He's ill," she replied in a hushed voice, "He's really ill, mum…"

And then she dropped her rucksack on the porch and put her arms around her mother, who said nothing as she embraced her daughter, wondering just how bad this situation was, because she was crying on her shoulder, and it was rare for Ace to cry over anything at all…

Moments later Ace was in the front room and her mother was beside her on the sofa.

"So what's happened?" she asked gently, not wanting to jump to more wrong conclusions, because she knew that look, and it was one of such deep pain that it was not something to be taken lightly – something major had happened…

"Its hard to explain," Ace began, trying to find a way to tell her everything without including the fact that her Professor was actually from outer space.

Audrey got up.

"I'll make us some tea," she said, "Then you can tell me everything – including when you got that wedding ring. I don't recall being invited."

As her mother left the room Ace put her head in her hands and gave sigh of despair. She hadn't thought about anything but carrying out the Doctor's wishes, purely to make him happy. He had wanted her to come and see her mother, and so she had done it, but now she was here, it seemed there was too much to explain. At least having to find explanations pushed away her thoughts of worry for the man she loved, and of how far apart they were now, separated by space and time…

When her mother came back into the room she set the tea down on the table and then sat down on the sofa once more.

"Are you ready to tell me anything at all?" she asked her.

Ace slowly met her gaze. Her mother's choice of words had not been spoken harshly, but she still struggled to explain.

"The Professor was taken ill. Then he was told he was most likely dying, so we got married. Now he's having some treatment to buy him some more time. But there's no real cure, mum. There could be – there could be a cure out there somewhere. I've been told there is, but we haven't found it yet. He's going through so much pain. "

Tears ran down her face.

"He's suffering and I can't stop it!" she said as she gave a sob, and Audrey drew her daughter into a comforting embrace as she thought about the times she had met the Doctor and been so distant towards him, so unwelcoming, and of how she had never really got to know him, because she had never given him a chance.

"I'm so sorry, love," she said quietly, and Ace let go of her, confusion filling her tearful eyes.

"Why are you sorry? I thought you hated him!"

"I never really gave it much thought," she told her, "I just closed my mind I suppose, judged by what I saw with my own eyes. Older man, picks up a young woman…But he stayed with you. He's married you. He's so ill he could be dying and he married you. He must love you a lot. I wish I'd seen it before."

Ace wiped her eyes.

"He asked me to come home for a few days. He said he didn't want me to watch him suffer because he hated to see me cry. I feel so far away from him, I don't want to be so far away…"

It was rare for Ace to see understanding in her mother's eyes, but it was certainly present now.

"Sometimes it's better to protect those you love," she said to her, "I think that's what he was trying to do. What sort of treatment is he having?"

"There's a doctor who thinks she can buy him some time with drug therapy. But the drugs are very powerful and he's going to go through a lot of pain. He doesn't want me to see that happening."

"Of course he doesn't," Audrey replied, "He wants to keep all the bad stuff away from you. I do understand that. He loves you too much to expose you to all that distress. I can understand that completely. I'd be the same, I wouldn't want those I love to witness that kind of pain, I'd feel selfish. It's natural to want to protect the people we care about. How far away is he?"

Ace had forgotten what she ought to hold back, her thoughts were on the man she loved as her heart ached, and she replied without thinking.

"Light years…"

Her mother sipped her tea and set it down on the table again.

"Don't be silly, Ace! You said there was a specialist who could help him, is it private or NHS? Local or the other side of the country?"

"A very long way away," she said quietly in reply as she cradled her cup in her hands and watched as the steam rose from its surface and she thought of all the times she had sat down to have tea with the Professor. He was everywhere in her thoughts, woven into the fabric of her life as if he had always been there, and belonged there eternally. There was no Ace without the Professor, no Professor without Ace…

"Dorothy?"

Her mother had called her name again, this time her real one instead of her nickname.

Ace looked up from her tea.

"What?"

"I said, where is he? Maybe we could go and see him, or you could call him – did you tell him he could call the house? I don't mind, I know this is a serious situation."

"Me and the Professor have always been a serious situation! I told you I loved him three years ago, but then it was just friendship and you couldn't understand that, you wouldn't believe me, you wouldn't listen! Why have you changed now, when we're married? Why are you being so nice?"

"I can be understanding, Ace – I'm not made of stone! I just said where is he? Perhaps we could go and see him together."

"No…He's miles away," she said quickly, "In a private hospital."

"Well if he's got the money for that I'm sure he's getting the very best care," she replied, "And don't feel bad about leaving. He asked you to do that and he was right, he was looking out for you."

"I wasn't with him in the way you think, not until recently," Ace said in a hushed voice, "Just after we finally got together, he found out he could be dying. It's so unfair."

"And so you got married."

"He asked me. I said yes, and everything was rushed and it was nothing like I thought my wedding would be – but it meant everything to us, mum."

"I'm sorry I got it wrong, I'm sorry I got him all wrong," she told her, and then she got up from the sofa.

"I'll go upstairs and get some fresh air into your old room. You look tired, love. I think you need to catch up on your sleep."

And then Audrey left her to finish her tea and went upstairs to freshen up her daughter's old room, and while she opened windows and changed sheets, Ace stayed downstairs, drinking tea and thinking of the Professor.

When Audrey went back down stairs, she found her daughter on the sofa, hugging a cushion and sleeping deeply.

She went over to her and she picked up what was left of her now cold tea, and then she noticed Ace looked exhausted - her eyes were slightly puffy, not from the brief cry that she had just had, this was a deeper swelling, the kind of redness she saw in the eyes of a recent widow or one who was about to lose a loved one. Ace was too young to fall into either category, and yet one look at her as she slept told her that her daughter had been through too much pain since she had last seen her.

"You sleep," she whispered, "You can't worry while you're sleeping."

And then she picked up the tea and the left the room, closing the door behind her, leaving her daughter to sleep and forget her worries for all the time that sleep would allow her the luxury of that peace.