Yay, a new chapter. Finally. And this one is cute and angsty...

Janeway: I don't like the sound of that, my dear...

Hehe. I know. But you can deal with it. n.n

Janeway: -Sigh-

Heeere we go.

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As he made his way to holodeck, he pondered. What did she want him for? Kathryn had summoned him to Holodeck One, where she said she had something to show him. What that could possibly be, he wasn't sure. But Chakotay would admit to being hopeful that it related to her lost memories.

It had been over a week since that accident - and since her temper got out of control. Aside from a few very vague recognitions, nothing had come to mind. She seemed to be moving away from being Captain Kathryn Janeway, and more toward a normal woman making a new life for herself among people she had to get to know all over again. And personally, he wasn't sure he liked that at all... He would miss her too much to allow her to slip through his fingers.

The Commander walked through the doors that slid open to permit him entrance, and took a moment to examine the setting he now found himself in. It seemed to be somewhere on earth, out in the country. Farmlands dotted the landscape, and trees were sprinkled about the grassy scenery. He glanced over as he heard someone approaching, and gave a little smile to the former Captain. "You called?"

"Yes. I wanted to show you what I found." Out of the entire crew, Chakotay was the one who had by far spent the most time with her. She had grown attached to him, in a funny way. She looked to him for answers, spoke most often with him. Oh, she wasn't really shy with anyone. But they definately seemed to have hit it off... Again.

Now, she gently took his elbow and tugged him along through the grass. There was a house nearby, and one particularly large tree they seemed to be walking toward. A stream ran some distance behind it, at the edge of a thin forest. If she came here to relax, he could understand why. It was very peaceful. "What would that be?"

"This place..." She walked right up to the tree, letting go of his arm to put her hand on one of its branches. "I read - well, I suppose it was my profile, wasn't it? - and learned that I was born in Indiana, on Earth. So, out of curiousity, I searched through the holodeck database to see if there were any programs depicting it. This is what I found - evidently, I created this program. This...was my home, growing up."

"I see. It's a very nice place," he remarked, clasping his hands behind his back. "I can see why you like it."

"That's not all," she continued, quietly. "When I first activated it, I was a little overwhelmed. After a short tour, I almost shut it off and left again... It scared me. That I couldn't remember all of this. It was just another reminder of what I'd lost, you know? But then... I came out here. To this tree." Kathryn lifted her blue-grey gaze to into the leaves of said tree. "I wasn't even sure why, until I got right up to it."

She paused, her head tilted slightly. He watched her standing there, the summer breeze tossling her auburn hair gently. But he said nothing, letting her think. It looked like that was what she wanted. Soon, she started again.

"It didn't mean anything to me until I touched it. I know it's just a projection of light, held in a magnetic mold of sorts, so maybe it's strange. But the feeling of the smooth branches sparked something. I remember this tree. Nothing else, but... I do remember it. I used to sit here all the time, as a child, to think out my problems."

"Kathryn... That's great," he laughed, putting a hand to her shoulder. She looked back to give him one of her old half-smiles. "That means you're making progress in getting back everything else."

"...Maybe," she murmured. "Of course, it could also just be luck of the draw. I happened to be able to call up the memory with relative ease. This time. There's no gaurantee the rest will return."

"Kathryn..."

She shook her head, and started walking. He took the cue to fall into stride beside her. "...You miss her, don't you?"

"Her?"

"The Captain... The woman I was. You're unhappy that she's gone." She wasn't looking at him as they wandered aimlessly aout the Indiana country side.

"Of course I am. We all are - you're a vital part of this family, Kathryn. We're going to help you - this will pass. I know I speak for the entire crew when I say that we won't stop until a solution is found and things have been righted." Chakotay looked at her, his brow knitted. Her own eyes were still off toward the distance.

"...I'm a problem, then."

"What?"

"Everyone keeps saying that there's a 'solution' to this. That they'll 'help me' get back what I lost. That the Captain in me will shine again. But what if... What if it just doesn't happen, Chakotay? People will look at me differently. I won't be able to fit in, because everyone will be thinking of me as Captain Kathryn Janeway. Except that I won't be her anymore. From the very start, people look on me, and I can tell they don't know what to think.

"Are they supposed to treat me with respect for the authority I had? Do they treat me as an equal? Do they call me by name, or by rank? Should they talk to me like a fellow lieutenant or ensign, or as a Captain?" Kathryn shook her head. "Their confusion has me lost, too. I just want to know what I am. Not what she was, but what I am, right here and now."

His frown deepened. She was feeling in between again. And he knew why - the crew really wasn't certain what to make of this. "I understand," he told her softly. "But Kathryn... Right now, everyone wants you back. We respect that you can't remember, but you are much too important to us for us not to try and reverse what happened. That's why we're walking you through everything. To exhaust all possibility that our Captain will return."

Chakotay stopped, turned her to him, and lifted her chin so her eyes finally met his. "I'm sorry. I know this is hard for you to accept, to understand. And if... If you choose not to return to what you were, or if it doesn't work, then I know everyone will come to terms with it, and you'll be free to persue the life you want now."

"I do want to get my life back. I wish it had never happened. But I want to be me... Whoever that is." The woman was silent for a moment, looking down to the grass. Then she raised her hand to the one of his that held her chin. "...I don't know what all happened before between us... But I do know how I feel now. So I hope you'll forgive me."

Before the man really knew what was happening, she'd pulled him downward, and their lips had met. She'd kissed him... He allowed this to continue for a moment, as he gathered his thoughts. As much as he wanted to let this happen, as much as he wanted this relationship... He couldn't. It wasn't right. She wasn't his Kathryn anymore... She was still sensitive, warm. Beautiful. But she wasn't the woman he admired in silence any longer. And he was still holding onto the hope that she would come back. That he would have his closest friend there with him again. He could befriend this woman, but he couldn't bring himself to feel for her what he did for his Captain. He just couldn't.

Yes, he told her she was the same, that she would regain her old life. But Chakotay knew the person who'd kissed him was not the woman he'd become so very, very close with.

Gently, he seperated them, holding her arms. She blinked up at him, puzzled. "No," he murmured. "I'm sorry... But I can't. We can't."

"I don't understand... You said we were close. You've spent so much time with me, I thought--"

"I know... But this can't happen between us. Not now... You're not yourself, and it wouldn't be fair to take advantage of you like this. I can't let that happen, Kathryn." His hands moved to the sides of her head and he watched her for a minute. "Don't worry," he said, trying to change the subject. "We'll find a way to reverse it."

With that he turned, striding out of the holodeck and leaving a very confused woman standing in the farmlands of Indiana, her eyes following him. Once out and having turned a corner, he leaned against the wall of the empty corridor, closing his eyes. He had tried so hard to keep his feelings reigned in. She had said once that it couldn't happen because of their ranks. Now she kissed him... She showed her own heart.

It was funny. He had wanted something like that for a long while. And now it happened at last, but it was he who refused to allow it. It was he who said no...

Funny. And cruel.

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Wasn't that sweet? And...sad?

Janeway: ...O.o;

Come on. Everyone knows JxC is the best couple out there. And this was so sedistic... xD

Janeway: It's really no wonder your other characters hate you...

Gee. Thanks.