Emily tells Lakhsmi about Paige and Alison.
A/N: I'm hoping there aren't any Emison shippers still reading this. If so, sorry. I should mention again that this was all written before 5A, so it's interesting comparing Emison's fate here to how it turned out on the show.
Lakhsmi was sitting next the Emily, looking expectant but, Emily had to admit to herself, a little anxious. Emily felt bad putting her through all this, first jerking her around with their relationship and now making her listen to Emily's tales of woe when she was probably still trying to sort out her own feelings. But of course she wasn't making Lakhsmi listen, Lakhsmi had volunteered, in fact virtually insisted when Emily called her, so Emily was going to go through with it.
Part of Emily just wanted to forget. Forget everything that had happened to her, forget all the girls she had loved, forget the people she had lost, and move on. Even now, she was tempted to imagine she could just erase it all through sheer force of will, as simply as deleting a sad song from her phone. It was such an alluring prospect. She could just say "No, forget it all", then lean over and kiss the girl she was with now, and she knew Lakhsmi would kiss her back. At this moment Lakhsmi cared more for Emily than Emily cared for Lakhsmi, and Emily hated herself for it.
It had sounded so easy. Move on, find a new girl, one who was caring, sweet, fascinating and beautiful. Emily had found that girl though, and it still wasn't enough. She couldn't move on. She didn't want to. So maybe Lakhsmi wasn't the girl who would be Emily's new beginning, but maybe she could be the one who helped her heal her past. Emily just hoped she cold repay her one day.
Emily took a deep breath and began.
"When Alison came back we dated for a while," she explained.
"I thought she had been terrible to you all," Lakhsmi responded with astonishment. "How could you trust her?"
"Alison was very good at getting you to trust her," Emily replied. "I thought I'd come such a long way, moved out of her shadow and become myself, but that ended when she came back. I found out I really hadn't come as far as I had thought."
It all seemed like Emily had woken up from a nightmare into a beautiful spring morning. Alison was back, but not the callous girl Emily had forced herself to see, but a new Alison, one who could love in a way Emily had almost given up hoping she was capable of.
"Open it," Alison said.
Emily looked back up at Alison, who had that playful look on her face she always had when she had a surprise for Emily.
Emily opened the envelope. Inside was a brochure for a hotel in New York.
"I've made a booking for next weekend," Alison explained. "Just the two of us. it's old, but classy, and there is this fantastic jazz bar around the corner."
"It looks beautiful," Emily said.
"Well, I did get to know the town a bit while I was staying there," Alison said. "I just thought it was time I showed you a real city."
"Thank you," Emily responded, stepping forward to hug Alison.
"We haven't had much time together," Alison said. "There's been so much going on, or we've been hanging out with the others. This way we can get out of Rosewood for a while, just you and me, Em. You deserve it."
They kissed. Sometimes, just for a moment, it was like Alison had never gone away.
"But what was it this girl had?" Lakhsmi asked. "You said she had used your love for her to control you before she disappeared."
"She did," Emily confirmed. "Back then I thought she loved me too, but I wasn't ready to face my feelings, so I just… I don't know, I guess I just didn't push it because I was scared. I think I thought maybe she was scared as well, but it didn't matter. I wasn't ready, so I just held on to the dream that one day she would love me."
"Ah…" Lakhsmi said.
"Yeah," Emily agreed. "When she was in hiding I started to look back on it. I saw how she had manipulated me, and it hurt so much. I hated knowing that those moments which had seemed special were just her playing with me. Then I saw her journal…"
"Her journal?" Lakhsmi asked.
"Ali kept a journal with stories about everyone," Emily explained. "She used it to keep all our secrets. I was in there, of course. She… the stories about me weren't as cruel as I had expected. She still amused herself at how blindly I loved her, but I think I was more her pet than her victim. A lot of people got it worse than I did."
"But they obviously weren't love stories, though," Lakhsmi observed.
"No, they weren't," Emily agreed. "I realized that my feelings for her weren't her feelings for me, and I told myself I was OK. Now I can see that I wasn't. It hurt that someone I had loved so much didn't love me back, and when she returned I really believed that she'd changed. Suddenly all that pain went away. I had another chance."
"So had she changed?" Lakhsmi asked.
"She had, but not… she was still Alison," Emily replied.
Emily didn't often get bored at parties, but this time she did. At first she didn't understand why Alison had been so keen to go, but when she arrived she found it was full of college students, and Alison immediately set about networking.
To Emily this felt more like work than socializing, but she found someone she knew, a girl she had met at a swim meet a couple of years ago, back when Emily was still competitive. The two of them found a quiet corner and caught up, swapping stories of training schedules and early mornings.
Soon Alison found her though.
"Hey Em, you've got to join us," she said, dragging Emily into the crowd. "I've found a bunch of guys from Danby."
As the two of them approached the group, Alison leaned in to whisper into Emily's ear, "This is your chance to make some contacts. Smile a lot and be friendly, OK?"
Emily wasn't interested though. She stood at Alison's side the whole time, nodding vaguely when spoken to.
"For a while it seemed good," Emily said. "Alison needed me, and I had helped save her, and now we were together. I told myself it was meant to turn out this way, and now she could finally love me like I had loved her. The others… I could see they were wary, but they went along with it as well. The problems started with the little compromises. I knew Alison and I were different, but I thought I could bring out the good in her. I thought that's what she wanted. It sounds stupid doesn't it?"
"No, not at all," Lakhsmi assured her.
"The irony was, she wanted to bring out a different side of me too," Emily continued. "A tougher side. Stronger, or at least what she saw as stronger. If I didn't do what she wanted she'd be… I don't know, disappointed, maybe? I kept getting things wrong, but when she said something nice I would be so happy. I needed her approval. I started thinking I was the problem."
"Oh dear," Lakhsmi said.
"Yeah," Emily said. "Oh dear is right."
"Em, I'm not listening to any more of this," Alison insisted. "He was annoying, we both wanted him to go away, and he went away."
"I just didn't think you needed to be that rude," Emily protested. "He was just saying hello."
"We didn't talk to him at school, so why should we talk to him now?" Alison asked.
"Because it's polite," Emily responded.
"Em, you're still so busy being nice to people, you let them walk all over you," Alison said. "You've come a long way, but you're still…"
"Still what?" Emily demanded.
"Still soft," Alison answered.
"I'd call it considerate," Emily countered.
"And that's sweet," Alison said. "But that's not how other people see you."
Emily could feel herself getting angry, but she knew to keep it in check. She didn't want to make a scene.
"This is just how I am," Emily finally said.
"I know, and it's beautiful," Alison responded. "But you can't just waste all that kindness on anyone and everyone."
Emily wanted to speak out. She had been raised this way, and she could never be as blunt as Alison, but somehow even saying that felt ungrateful.
"It's OK, Em," Alison continued. "If you can't tell people to go away, I will. But you're going to have to learn to stand up for yourself one day, or people will just use you as a doormat."
"When I talk about it now it seems so obvious," Emily said.
"It always does," Lakhsmi reassured her. "Everyone has done this at some stage, and we all look back and shake our heads at how we didn't see it at the time."
"I just… I honestly thought she was helping me," Emily added.
"We always do," Lakhsmi replied. "People like that chip away at us, but we think they are making us better. Being constantly treated as if you are broken and need fixing is draining."
"I know," Emily said. "I can see that now. Like I said, I thought I had broken free of her, but I hadn't. Maybe I'm still not quite free of her."
"Maybe that is why you are telling me this," Lakhsmi suggested. "Maybe this is your chance to find the path away from her."
"Thank you," Emily said. "I could never have expected you to do this for me, and I can't promise anything in return."
"I expect no promises," Lakhsmi assured her. "I wish to help you, that is all."
"Thank you," Emily repeated. "I'm just not sure I deserve this."
"Well, you do," Lakhsmi countered, "so proceed with your story."
"OK then," Emily said, seeing how sure Lakhsmi was. She paused for a moment. "I'm sorry, I can't remember what I was going to say."
"Then tell me how the relationship ended," Lakhsmi suggested.
"That's the worst part," Emily said. "She left me. I didn't even have the courage to end it, I just tried to keep going until one day she dumped me for daring to stand up to her."
Emily was breathing more heavily now, and could feel her heart racing. She glared at Alison, unable to process what she had just heard.
"You… you used us?" Emily asked incredulously. She was holding herself back now, trying to remain calm, trying to remember what Alison had been through.
"Listen, Em, my life was on the line and this was the only way to get A once and for all," Alison insisted.
"We could have been killed," Emily exclaimed. As she said the words she felt herself getting light headed, and less and less able to keep herself in control.
"You were never in any danger," Alison countered. "We were watching you the whole time."
"We were your bait!" Emily responded, almost shouting now.
"I would have saved you if I'd needed to," Alison declared. "I've done it before, haven't I?"
Emily fell back a little and braced herself against the table.
"And what if it didn't work this time?" she asked.
"It did work," Alison reminded her. "And we caught A. What is your problem?"
"My problem?" Emily responded, no longer able to hold back now. "My problem? My problem is finding out we were the pawns in your plans. My problem is that you couldn't even trust me…"
"When I did trust you you just went and blabbed anyway," Alison interrupted.
"I thought we were in this together," Emily said.
"We were," Alison replied. "Stop making a big deal about it."
"You're still her, aren't you?" Emily said. "You're still the girl in charge, still the one to decide what's best for us, what we need, who we should be. And we're still just the bit players in your grand drama."
"Em, do you want to be with me or not?" Alison asked. "Because I've given up a lot for you, and if this is what I'm going to get then maybe I should find someone a bit more appreciative."
"I thought I knew you," Emily said, calmly now. As suddenly as her anger had come, it subsided, and somehow she knew. Being angry at Alison for this was as futile as being angry at the waves for coming into the shore. "I'm sorry I was wrong."
"So you did rebuke her then?" Lakhsmi asked. "That is excellent."
"She had used us all," Emily explained. "She had put us in danger so she could be safe."
"It is a shame it had gone that far," Lakhsmi said. "But it is still commendable that you stood your ground. You faced up to this girl, Emily. That is something to be proud of. She broke off the relationship because she realized you would not be her lap dog anymore. That is just as much of an achievement as if you had broken it off yourself."
Emily shook her head.
"The thing is, had she asked I probably would have said yes," Emily said. "I would have done anything for her. It was more that she put the other girls in danger that finally woke me up. I wouldn't listen to anyone, but when I saw how… reckless she had been I felt sick at the thought of what could have happened to them."
"You are a caring and protective person," Lakhsmi responded. "And maybe just a little bit proud. That is nothing to be ashamed of. If you had let her mistreat others while you were still safe, then you would have reason for self-reproachment. But I already know you well enough to know you would not do that."
"I did before she disappeared," Emily pointed out.
"You were young then," Lakhsmi responded.
"I was old enough to know better," Emily insisted.
"I know more than one developmental psychology professor who would beg to differ," Lakhsmi countered. "It sounds to me like you are still yet to forgive yourself for actions which happened many years ago when you were under her spell."
"Don't you see," Emily countered. "I let myself fall under that spell again. Even when I knew what she had done to people I still let myself get tricked by her. Even after Paige, I still went ahead and became Alison's lackey again."
"Paige was your other girlfriend, wasn't she?" Lakhsmi asked. "How does she relate to these events?"
"Paige was one of Alison's victims," Emily answered. "Before Alison went into hiding she had bullied Paige, relentlessly. She had… Paige only just held on."
Lakhsmi was frowning now, her eyes focused on Emily.
"I know," Emily said. "It was terrible of me to…"
"No, no, no," Lakhsmi interrupted. "Please do not take my countenance as some sort of chastisement. It is simply a sad story."
"OK then," Emily continued. "Paige and I had broken up well before my relationship with Alison, but we had broken up because of Alison. When Paige found out Alison was still alive she panicked, and acted rashly, but I was completely insensitive. I had just imagined that Paige would be over it. It was like I'd forgotten how bad it was, what she went through."
"We can never fully understand what someone else has been through," Lakhsmi said. "And you are a very forgiving person."
"Still, I left Paige because of Alison," Emily said. "And afterwards I went to Alison. I dated the girl who almost destroyed Paige. I betrayed her."
"So you feel guilty," Lakhsmi suggested.
"Yes," Emily confirmed. "I do. I should. I knew how badly Alison had treated Paige, but I left Paige because she was still angry at Alison, then went ahead and dated Alison."
"What should you have done?" Lakhsmi asked.
"I should have listened to Paige when she said Alison was manipulating us," Emily replied. "I should have not been drawn in by Alison's lies. I should have known."
"How would you have done that?" Lakhsmi asked.
"I…" Emily began, but paused as she struggled to answer. "I don't know, but Paige was right. I should have trusted her."
"Can I make a suggestion?" Lakhsmi asked. Emily nodded and she continued. "You are a caring, trusting person and you believed you needed to protect Alison because she was in danger. You could no more have walked away from Alison at that moment than Paige could have accepted you helping her. We all have moments in our lives which we wish we had done differently, but if we are being honest with ourselves we know we could only have done what we did."
"So, that's it?" Emily responded. "I was always going to lose Paige, because I couldn't see through Alison's lies? There was nothing I could do?"
"Then, no," Lakhsmi replied. "Now is the only moment you have control over. I'm sorry if I'm getting too philosophical here, but…"
Emily felt herself starting to cry. She had no idea why it was now, but suddenly she was overcome with sadness.
"I am sorry," Lakhsmi said. "I am possibly being too blunt. People tell me that I do that sometimes."
"I left the girl who really loved me for one who never did," Emily explained through her tears. "How am I supposed to get over that?"
Lakhsmi somewhat awkwardly put her arm around Emily, but kept her distance otherwise.
"Paige and I could have been happy together," Emily continued. "I loved her, but I pushed her away."
"Do you still love her?" Lakhsmi asked.
Emily tried to reply but became too choked up. She was sobbing now, her body convulsing as she did.
It was true. Emily still loved Paige. She always would, but Paige was gone now, and Emily knew Paige would never want her back.
It was too late, too late to do anything.
Emily had lost her chance at happiness.