you're not thinking about tomorrow

-Goo Goo Dolls "Black Balloon"

Sunday September 28, 1997

Life sucked. I had no one to talk to. I could call Willow, Xander, or even Giles, but then I'd just end up lying a bunch and feeling even worse than I did now. I needed to talk to Drusilla, but I knew for a fact there wasn't a phone out at the factory. Obviously, seeing Angel had really upset her, but I didn't know why. She'd called him Daddy, but I was 95 percent certain she didn't mean biologically. He must have made her a vampire, which meant Angel had some explaining to do, since he'd conveniently never mentioned her. Only who knew when I'd be able to ask, since I didn't know where he holed up during the day and I was a tad unavailable after sundown.

I was sitting on my bed, staring at the Barbie dolls Dru had dressed up. I wondered if she missed all her fancy dolls while she was here.

My Mom stuck her head in my room, "How's your homework coming?"

"I'm finished." I got to say for once, with it actually being entirely true.

Mom hesitated in the door, then came and sat down next to me on the bed. "Are you feeling alright, honey? I heard you throw up earlier." She tucked a strand of hair behind my ear.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just too many fries last night. "

"Are you sure that's all, is there anything you need to talk to me about?" Her voice was so full of concern it made me drop my head into my hands. Obviously, her imagination had gone way overboard.

"Actually, I'm having the lovechild of a multi-billionaire investment banker and we're running away tonight in his private jet to live in sin on his private island in the Mediterranean." I managed to keep a straight face for about three seconds.

My Mom laughed with me, pulling me in for a hug. "I'm just checking, you're not a baby anymore."

"Really, it was just way too much greasy food." Another hug and she was out the door and it was back to just me and my emotional rollercoaster.

I needed to have a plan. I couldn't just continue to be a bump on a log while I was in Dru's body. Not that I was usually great with the plan having at the best of times. I could start small. Maybe tonight I should see if I could do the whole vampire thing, make my face change and stuff. Was it just a physical thing, or was the demon doing it? I really had no idea how it worked. Was there a demon there with me when I was in Drusilla? That's what I really wanted to know.

Good, plan one was in place. Now to figure out what to do about Dru. Sunday was my usual night off, when I was supposed to be getting ready for school. So no patrolling, which drastically decreased the chances she'd run into Angel again. She needed to stay far, far away from him. For her own good, not just because I didn't like the idea of her kissing him in my body, though that wasn't exactly a thrill. Even more uncool was the fact that Angel hadn't seemed to notice, since he didn't say anything noteworthy to Drusilla or, y'know, pick up a phone and call me today. Way to make me feel special.

Angel missage hit me like a ton of bricks. Not that I really saw him on a regular basis, but now I didn't even have the opportunity. So uncool, but there was nothing to do for it. I needed to keep track of Spike and his plans, and the only way to do that was if I was there at the factory.

All this brooding made me feel like I was turning into Angel. So I stowed thoughts of him and every other vampire, especially the bleached blonde kind, and went for a run. It was a typical sunny SoCal day and I let the warmth soak into my skin. While I was out enjoying the fact that my limbs actually did what I told them to on a consistent basis, I had a great idea. I could give Drusilla the things that made me feel better. She was in the same strange boat as I was, there was no reason for me to be a bitch to her because she was a vampire half the time. So was I.

Once I was back home with a bottle of Gatorade, I got on the phone and invited Willow and Xander over for movies, pizza, and ice cream.

I'd barely managed to get dressed after my shower when the doorbell rang. I opened to find Willow. I hadn't seen her since Parent-Teacher night, so I sort of over reacted with a squeal and hug.

"I haven't seen you in forever!" I gushed, leading her and her bag of ice cream to the kitchen.

"Um, we saw each other last night, at The Bronze? You with the dancing with Xander and then dropping him like a hot potato as soon as Angel showed up? You kind of hurt his feelings."

My face fell. "Ugh. Geez, sorry to be a spaz."

Willow set the bag on the counter, then gave me a smile. "No worries, Xander did explain the whole cold medicine thing." Oh great, now I had one friend spreading my lies to the other.

"Still sorry," I said, "I might be out of it again later tonight, I think I still have it and I've already been hitting the medicine bottle."

Willow stuck her tongue out at me, "Well maybe ice cream will make you feel better. I got rocky road, Neapolitan, and the kind with cookie dough in it, because who doesn't like little chunks of fake raw cookie goodness?"

"You're the best! Who can feel bad when they're eating ice cream?" I was kind of sad that it wasn't going to be me eating it. I hoped Dru liked chocolate and not one of those old people flavors, like coffee.

The doorbell rang again, and I couldn't help but give Xander a big hug too. He had a couple of video tape boxes from Blockbuster, which I hoped weren't badly dubbed kung-fu movies.

"Sorry about being a big flake last night, you didn't deserve that." I told him, sending angry vibes towards Drusilla, though really I had the feeling it wasn't entirely her fault.

"Ah, no worries Buff, it's already forgotten. I even brought you an 'I forgive you' rom-com."

"Perfect! I'm putting you in charge of ordering the pizza while I go powder my nose." I was getting close to sunset and I needed to dash upstairs and leave Dru a note. "Be right back!" I hollered to Willow as I charged up to my room and grabbed the black pen and notebook, sitting down at my vanity. I was cutting it way too close for comfort.

Hi Dru,

I'm sorry you had a bad time yesterday. Tonight is my night off and right now my friends (and yours!) are waiting downstairs for a movie, pizza, and ice cream night to make you feel better. Can you tell me what the deal with Angel is, please? I want to help you. Also, try to get some sleep so that I'll be ready for school in the morning.

-xoxoxo Buffy

P.S. The dolls are in the shoebox under the bed.

I barely managed to finish writing the final 'd' in bed before the dizziness hit me.

I was still sitting at a vanity, and for a moment I was confused, but, hey, no mirror. I was in the right place. The normal scents of the factory rushed into my nose as I remembered to take a breath. It was almost homey.

"Lean your head back, poodle." Hands guided my head to tilt until I was looking nearly straight up. Spike leaned over and smiled at me, the lines and angles of his face now familiar.

"Hi," I said, and then I would have blushed if I'd been able to. Stupid thing to say to someone you've been in a room with all day.

His smile turned into an all-out grin, complete with dimples, which really should be illegal. He had no right to look that good, it was unfair. I closed my eyes, but couldn't completely erase my own sort of goofy grin.

"Are you back?" it was almost a whisper, his voice laced with the same desperate hope as yesterday.

"For the minute. Now get to brushing." He chuckled even as the bristles started moving over my scalp. It felt so good. My whole body tingled with enjoyment, enough so that my idiot mouth decided to get in on the action. "God, that feels so amazing."

" 'M not God, but close enough," Wow- ego much? The next thing he said was right in my ear "I can make all of you feel good, pet. If you want."

The usual butterflies returned, this time with reinforcements. "Just keep brushing." My voice had come out all breathy, not the effect I'd been going for. Spike gave another chuckle, then the brush was gliding through my hair again. After a few blissful minutes he had me tilt my head forward and quickly gathered the ends together, securing them into a loose ponytail with a ribbon. I was dressed in a black crushed velvet affair, that even I had to admit looked good against my unnaturally white skin. There was a stab of disappointment as I realized I didn't know if Dru had done what I'd asked and worn pajamas. Oh well, there was always tomorrow.

Spike kneeled next to me as I sat on the vanity bench. He picked up one of my hands, stroking the back with his thumb. "You remember I have to go out tonight?" I nodded, though of course I had no idea till this moment.

"Why?" I asked, in case it was something I needed to warn Giles about, not because I was unhappy with the idea I was going to be left on my own.

"Got to start getting things set up to take down that blonde bitch of a Slayer, and bring you some dinner."

My eyes rolled at the word 'bitch.' Really, he didn't even know me, the bastard.

He misinterpreted my eye roll. "I'll be quick as I can. Stay here."

"Spike," I grabbed his wrist as he started to rise. "Don't bring a human in here. Leave it outside, I'll eat later." He nodded, smiled, and gave me a peck on the forehead. That'd been easier than I thought. With a final glance at me he grabbed his duster and was out of the door, closing it with a thump behind him.

I felt very alone. Which was silly, especially because it actually worked in my favor. It'd be hard to experiment with another vampire breathing down my neck. Sure was quiet though.

I moved as quickly as my weakened body would let me to the parrot's cage. "You need a name." I grumpily told it. The parrot pushed its tiny body up against the bars of the cage, and I gently petted it through the bars. "How lonely are you that you're trying to make friends with a vampire?"

Under the cage there was now a pile of old newspapers. That hadn't been there last night. Had Spike brought them? It made me feel funny, because it was more hope on his part. Hope that I'd be there enough to want to keep taking care of the bird. A plastic bag was also available for the trash. Shaking my head at the stupidity of vampires, or more specifically one vampire, I quickly changed out the paper and took care of the food and water. It still needed toys, and a name.

There, I'd taken care of my one chore, since vampires didn't need a lot of dishes and there was no amount of dusting that was going to help things around here. I, for one, voted for not even trying.

I dropped onto the bed, rolling over to lay flat on my back. Time to do this. Only I was really, really frightened. What if I was rooming with a demon in Dru's head? Even worse, what if I wasn't? Would it be going with Dru's consciousness to my body? That was a frightening idea.

Slayer 101 said a vampire's first defense was its fangs. Was I both weak and weaponless?

I needed to calm down. Deep breath, in and out. In and out. Now quit it with the breathing. I focused on all the things that made me not human. No heartbeat, my increased sense of smell, hearing that let me know a mouse was running along the baseboard. Gross! And there went my concentration.

I tried again, with a promise to myself to look for the hole the rodent came through sometime later. Once I felt at least a smidgen more relaxed, I tried to get my face to shift. Nothing. Hello! Demon! Are you there? Still nothing. I spent a good hour trying everything I could think of, and nothing. Even vividly imagining the smell of blood and promising the demon a good meal had no effect. Well, drat, I guess I was alone. It couldn't break free and take over my human body, could it? Had I put everyone I love in danger? I nearly jumped up off the bed, wishing I had something or someone to hit.

I needed a distraction. I wasn't Drusilla, the dolls weren't going to cut it. I sorted through the books in the room, but was far too agitated to read. Also, I'd miss Spike's voice. Damn it! That was not something I should think. I flipped the TV on, but couldn't find anything to watch. Ditto with an old radio. Finally, I stopped in front of the bird cage. Maybe I could find something to make the parrot-who-needs-a-name some toys with.

The door's hinges squeaked in protest as I yanked it open. There had to be something in this dump I could use. I briskly marched along the corridor, made two turns, and realized I was completely lost in the dim and grimy hallways. My legs were also no longer with the complete cooperation. Stumbling slightly, I kept going, looking for anything that might work. I wasn't going to be defeated because this body wasn't up to my Slayer norm.

A shiny piece of metal caught my eye. Didn't birds like mirrors? I held it up, and nearly tossed it aside when I didn't see a reflection. Then I had to laugh at my own stupidity, of course I couldn't see myself. Duh.

After a few more turns I stopped to rest, leaning against a wall.

"Well, well, what have we here?" The deep voice startled me, but the vampire's scent flooded my nose when I sniffed. How'd I missed his very stinky presence? He was tall, dressed in dirty jeans and a ratty shirt. "If it isn't Spike's pet whore, out for a little walk. Guess it's my lucky day."

Sure, only because I didn't have a stake - or my regular body. He was vamped out, flicking his tongue over sharp fangs. "What are you planning on doing?" My voice shook. I'd never felt this vulnerable around a vampire before. I'd always been the Slayer, the Chosen One, destined to leave his kind so much dust on the wind. Being helpless and trapped, alone in the dark with death, was a nightmare made real. I couldn't hide my terror.

"I'm going to drive stakes through your hands to pin you to the wall. When your honey gets back he'll do anything to set you free. So I'll make him bow, and then I'll kill him. Then, sugar, I'll do whatever I want to you." He'd been moving closer during his little speech, right up into my personal space. He finished the last sentence with a little snap of his teeth in my face, and that's when I felt it. Darkness, roiling inside me. The demon had woken up, and I let it loose.

My face shifted, and it felt good, like scratching an itch. The hallway looked a lot lighter now, and the brute in front of me a lot less scary. I still wasn't anywhere near full strength, but I also was no longer a puddle on the floor anymore. I brought my fist around in a left hook, catching the jerk by surprise. I moved away from him, hissing. I ran my tongue over my fangs, marveling at how normal it felt for them to be there. I laughed. The other vamp made a lunge for me, but I danced back out of his way. I easily ducked a left jab and smashed my elbow into his nose before moving out of reach again. I needed a stake - why the hell was there no wood in this entire place?

"Bloody Fuck!" Spike's voice made us both freeze. I turned my head, inhaling deeply, the scent making my head swirl. He looked different to me, with my demon riding high. No, not different, good. Better than good. He was my dark prince. I laughed again, and pointed a sharp finger nail at the lumbering moron that thought he'd be able to challenge us.

"This thing," I said with scorn, "wanted to kill you, and he believed that I would be easy prey."

"More the fool him. Did he touch you?"

"He tried." I sing-song it. Knowing my enemy was as good as dead.

Spike roared as he shifted into his demon face. I couldn't help laughing again, he's so beautiful. I wanted to touch him, taste him. All that power and grace were mine. My insides turned molten again as I watched him pace down the hallway. The stupid vamp that dared to challenge him was so stunned the fool didn't even know he should run. In one smooth motion Spike plucked a loose pipe from the wall and spun, crunching it into the jerk's head. The big vamp went down, and with two more powerful blows of the pipe, his head was severed enough for the useless idiot to dust.

Dropping the pipe, my vampire strode to my side. He picked me up, whirling me around. I let my head fall back, my laughter echoing back at me from the empty hallway.

Stopping he bent his head down to rub his nose against my check. I wanted – needed - more, and with a growl I settle my hands on his shoulders and claim his mouth. It's fierce, our tongues tangling around each other.

Then he pulled away, panting, and shook me in his arms. "Dru! How many times have I told you not to go wondering about?" He was angry, and just like that my demon was gone. I was frightened, alone in the dark again with an irate vampire. Spike's demon receded as well as he turned, carrying me back towards our room like I weighed nothing. "You're going to be so tired, luv. You just can't do things like this. You'll be bedridden for a week."

"I'm sorry!" I pressed my face into his chest, frustrated tears threatening to fall. No wonder Dru said going out to patrol was fun, because I could already feel my body starting to protest the workout I had just given it.

The trip back to the room didn't take nearly as long as I thought it should. Once inside, he put upset, tear streaked me down on the bed. "I'm sorry." I said again, whimpering in my fear.

"What were you even doing out there?" He was kneeling in front of me again, a hand on my check.

I held up the piece of metal, still clutched in my hand. "I was trying to find things that would work as toys in the birdcage. It must be so bored in there." Spike gave me a strange look, then snatched the metal out of my hand.

Standing up, he headed for the cage. "This was over the bloody bird?"

I struggled to me feet. "No!" I yelled, "Don't kill it! Please, it didn't mean to end up being stuck in that cage."

"Good God, woman!" He spat. "I am not going to kill it. I'm not even angry at it." Spike opened the cage door and gently set the metal inside, shiny side where it can catch the light. The bird hoped over to it, chittering.

"See," I sniffed, "It's already happier, having someone to talk to. It doesn't know it's not real."

Spike just shook his head, watching the bird. "So what do you want to do for the rest of the night?"

"Read to me again," I looked down at my dirty feet, the nail polish chipped to almost nothing, unlike my perfectly manicured fingers. "please, and I'll work on fixing up my toenails, if we have the stuff to do that."

"Of course. Wait. Right. Here." I nodded, sinking back down onto the mattress. Spike was gone only a couple of minutes before coming back with several towels and a plastic bag.

"Scoot back." He jerked his head in the direction of the headboard. I complied, and he sat down, taking one of my feet in his hands. He washed one foot, then the other, with soft sure strokes that didn't tickle even the tiniest bit. Once I was clean he handed me the bag and another towel. The bag was full of nail polish, every second one a variant on black. On top was a half empty bottle of polish remover.

"Can you start at the beginning?" I ask. "I want to hear that part again." I pulled my feet in so I was sitting cross legged in the middle of the bed.

With a snort Spike walked to his side of the mattress, swiping Pride and Prejudice off the bedside table. He sat, one leg stretched out, the other knee bent up with his elbow resting on it. His voice smoothed out as he began: "It is a truth universally acknowledged . . ."

Drusilla had used some hideous shade of purple the last time she'd painted her toes. It was going to take some scrubbing to get off. I was wishing for Slayer strength by the time I'd finished up one foot. The second seemed to take twice as long as I felt what strength I had left ebbing out of me.

Once finished I wiggled my toes happily at myself, thinking maybe the paint could wait for tomorrow. I was so tired.

"Let me," Spike said, looking up from the book. He held the novel out to me, "You read, I paint." I raised an eyebrow at him. "Take it!" He shook the book at me. Shrugging I grabbed it and started to read at where he'd left off. Reaching forward he took my foot in his hands, pulling till I was sitting with my leg straight and my heel on his thigh. "What color?"

What shade would Dru like? Probably another dark one, but she wasn't here right now. I wanted put a tiny claim on this body we were sharing. So I looked him right in the eye- "Pink." He didn't even flinch, just rooted around in the bag. The bottle he held up was a delicate shell pink, something like what my regular body's nails were painted.

I shook my head and giggled. "Seriously? I'm like the color of a piece of Xerox paper," Spike's eyebrows shot up and he smothered a laugh.

"Well, we both do tend towards the pale side, poodle." The smile was genuine, and I hoped it meant he forgave me for earlier. Dru didn't need to come home to a surly boyfriend. Spike sorted through the colors again, this time holding up a much deeper shade.

"Perfect!" I praised, then went back to the book. I was surprised to feel a file gliding against my nails, but Spike didn't look up when I glanced at him. Once the nails were shaped he opened the nail polish and gently started painting. I hazarded another glance. He was concentrating, the tip of his tongue tucked into the corner of his mouth. It was adorable. He'd probably dust if he knew it was the Slayer watching him labor to paint her nails instead of his dark princess.

Once that foot was complete, he blew on the polish to help it dry quicker, and a shiver ran straight up my spine. I thought he hadn't noticed, as he only indicated for me to give him my other foot.

I'd just turned my eyes back to the book when I felt his teeth nibble at the top of my big toe. I gulped in a breath, startled. His eyes were on my face as he slowly lowered his mouth fully over the appendage. It was a completely new sensation, and certainly not one I'd ever even remotely imagined. Then the edges of his lips curled up, and he flicked his tongue against the very tip of my toe. Only that's not where I felt it. How the hell was he doing that? With a self-satisfied smirk he relented and let me go, reaching for the nail file like nothing had happened.

"Are you going to keep reading?" He asked in a conversational, almost bored tone.

I had to clear my throat several times to get my voice back.

When my nails were done and dry I handed the book back to Spike, and curled up against his shoulder. I gamely tried to stay awake to listen, but quickly lost the battle.

Vanity with a mirror - I was back at Revello Drive.

Dru must have listened to my advice, because I felt rested. She'd dressed me in a black sweater set and jeans, with black boots. I turned my head side to side, marveling at how much older I looked with her make-up job. She'd even got the eyeliner even, something I never managed to do. If I tried it just escalated till I looked like a raccoon. My hair was soft, falling down to my shoulders and flipped out just so. She was good.

I looked over towards the window, and was relieved to see the dolls weren't there. That had to be for the good. With some trepidation I reached for the notebook.

Dearest Buffy,

I owe you a million thank-you's for what you did for me tonight. No one has ever given me such a gift. To more fully address your earlier question, I seem to be much the girl I once was when I lived under my father's roof, before I became a childe of Angelus. You are correct to warn me away from him, but I must do the same for you. Even with a soul he is not to be trusted. I find I am having some difficulty dealing with what my nature as a vampire demands, especially as I sit here in your body writing this. I believe I have found a way around this problem. I will endeavor to ask Spike to buy me only exotic animal blood, saying I have developed a taste for it. You must reiterate it as my mind will belong to the pixies when I am with my body. This solution will out both our hearts at ease.

Warm Regards, Drusilla

P.S. I found I favored Rocky Road.

I opened and closed my mouth several times. I felt like I had whiplash. Dru's first few notes had sounded almost exactly like I'd written them, then she'd sounded plain crazy, and now she sounded like someone's great-grandma. Where any of these people really her?

At least I'd guessed correctly about her being made a vampire by Angel, and really her idea about the blood was a good one. I realized I'd never asked Spike if he'd brought dinner home. No, I'd been too busy enjoying the whole demon joy ride. Was I evil? It'd felt good. I'd probably been lucky there'd only been other vampires around. I could never, ever, do that again. Now I knew, I could learn from it, and move on. The thoughts I'd had, they'd been the demon, not my own. I had to believe that.

"Buffy?" I heard my Mom call through the door. "Come get some breakfast!"

I stood up, my heart heavy. I hoped that the information I had to give Giles was worth it. I wiggled my toes in my boots, remembering the rest of the night with something between a stab of shame and a shadow of the thrill I'd felt at the time. Everything had absolutely better be worth it, because I was starting to worry I was losing myself.