Love in the Time of Chaos
Summary: AU. [Post Faceless, Nameless] "Being loved deeply by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." (Lao Tzu) A different take on the events of Season 5. Hotch/JJ pairing.
Rating: T
"I appreciate the fact that you're the medical expert in this situation, but I will not have a nurse stay with me."
JJ sighed and shook her head; she was truly beginning to see how big of a pain in the ass Aaron Hotchner could be. He'd been recovering quickly in the hospital for a few weeks and the doctors were attempting to release him earlier than normal. Unfortunately for all involved, he wasn't being nearly as cooperative as he needed to be in order to be safely released from the hospital.
Hotch was attempting to stare Dr. Trout down with his legendary Agent Hotchner glare, but the good doctor was not backing down. "Aaron, you're not far enough in your recovery to be on your own for significant amounts of time. The only way you're leaving this hospital is by having someone stay with you full-time for at least the next week, if not several. And I'm not negotiating with you on this." Hotch's mouth, which had opened to retaliate, clamped shut as he finally seemed to realize he wasn't going to win this.
"I'm not having a nurse stay with me." JJ rolled her eyes and threw her hands up in the air, officially classifying Hotch as the most stubborn man she had ever met. Dr. Trout seemed to be secretly agreeing with her as his frustration slowly started to surface.
"Alright here are your official options once again: one, you stay in the hospital for at least another week, if not more. Two, you have nurse stay with you but you recover at home. Choice is yours, but it's one of those two, period."
JJ could see Hotch prepping to argue with the nice doctor standing his ground, so she quickly interjected before Hotch could counter. "What if I stayed with Hotch?"
Both men turned their attention to JJ, Dr. Trout contemplating her suggestion while Hotch stared at her in complete surprise. "No."
JJ raised an eyebrow, staring down at Hotch. "No?"
Hotch shook his head and turned back to Dr. Trout. "No." JJ remained neutral, refusing to let the slight hurt she was feeling seep through her composure.
Dr. Trout looked between the two, a subtle smirk on his face, before settling on Hotch again. "Actually, JJ's suggestion isn't a bad one. There we go, we found option three. Hospital, nurse, or JJ. You're not staying on your own yet."
Hotch's face remained absolutely stoic. "I'm not having someone baby-sit me."
Dr. Trout chuckled lightly, earning an even more intense glare from Hotch. "Well, sorry to be the bearer of bad news Aaron, but yes you are. The only thing you get to decide is who gets to do it. Personally, I'd pick a pretty lady like JJ to take care of me over staying in this place, but that's just my own opinion."
JJ had never seen Hotch glare at someone so intensely. There were UNSUBs who hadn't made Hotch this angry. Hotch quickly glanced at JJ before returning his sole focus to Dr. Trout. "I'm not putting JJ out like that."
JJ would have smacked her boss right across the face but she wasn't sure if she could get written up for that. "Hotch, I wouldn't have offered to stay with you if you would be putting me out. I offered which means I'm happy to do it." Hotch had started shaking his head before she even opened her mouth, which just made the hurt in JJ's chest even worse. "Hotch."
The tone of JJ's voice made Hotch's head stop as he finally looked at her. The look on her face made him want to smack himself; while she tried her absolute best to hide any trace of it, Hotch knew JJ well enough to see the pain his refusal was causing her. "If you really don't want me to stay with you, that's fine. But I'm more than willing to stay with for as long as you need someone. I just want you to get better."
The large part of his heart that JJ had occupied for years was screaming at him to stop hurting her. He sighed and rubbed his face with his hands, nodding his head in acceptance of her offer.
Dr. Trout was all smiles. "Fabulous! Great choice if I do say so myself." Hotch truly respected the doctor who had saved his life, but at the moment he was contemplating how badly it would set back his recovery if he were to strangle the good doctor. He turned to JJ and began explaining to her that a nurse would go over everything with her before they discharged him, but Hotch didn't focus on the conversation. The only thing he could honestly focus on was the fact that JJ would be staying with him for the next week, if not longer.
Hotch hadn't failed to notice how attractive his media liaison was the moment he laid eyes on her, but the attraction never went further than an appreciation of her beauty and a genuine liking of her as a person. He never would have betrayed his marriage to Haley by being attracted to anyone, even during their rough patches, but as soon as his marriage truly ended, the attraction that had been boiling inside of him for years erupted. He tried to fight it briefly before he realized it was utterly pointless; JJ had wormed her way into his heart years ago and she was definitely there to stay. He never had any intention of telling her, too attached to her to risk losing her. He loved every member of his team, but he needed JJ like he had never needed anyone in his life. Pursuing an intimate relationship, especially with no indication that she remotely felt the same, could easily kill their relationship, and he would never risk that.
Hotch knew living with her was going to be both wonderful and terrible. Getting to be with her almost every second of every day, secretly pretending that they would happily share that apartment for the rest of their lives, was going to be heaven…until he had to watch her leave at the end of his recovery.
Dr. Trout began speaking to him before he left the room, but Hotch just nodded, not even bothering to listen. He continued to stare off into space, thinking about the girl standing in the room who had moved to the seat beside him. The sound of her voice was the only thing that finally pulled him out of his own head. "If you don't want to stay with you I completely understand."
JJ wanted to be there for Hotch through his entire recovery, and while she felt selfish for wanting him to ask her to be the one to take care of him, she couldn't stop herself from feeling hurt by the idea that maybe he just didn't want her to be that person. His eyes softened as soon as they landed on her face, but there was still an edge to his voice as he spoke. "It's fine JJ. Better you than someone else."
JJ nodded and looked away, trying to convince herself that Hotch's opposition to her staying with him stemmed from his stubborn streak of keeping everything bottled up and not accepting any help from any one ever. She quickly excused herself from the room to call Emily so she could take her belongings over to Hotch's apartment so they wouldn't have to make a stop. After hanging up with Emily and calming herself down, a nurse approached her outside of Hotch's room. As the nurse explained to JJ how to handle Hotch's recovery from home, Dr. Trout and a nurse went through his official discharge from the hospital before wheeling him down to the SUV waiting for the two of them.
JJ had help getting Hotch into the SUV and she jumped into the driver seat, driving as carefully as possible to his apartment. Neither one spoke and JJ could tell that Hotch was terribly unhappy with their current situation. JJ couldn't understand why he was so against her staying with him, but she didn't figure out how to appropriately breach the subject before they arrived at his apartment. JJ managed to rush out of the SUV as Hotch was attempting to get out of the car on his own. "Here, let me help."
"I'm fine JJ." JJ's head jerked up at the tone he was using with her; it was the tone of voice he used on a crime scene, the same voice that warned everyone in the vicinity that he was not in the mood for anything at all. JJ regained her footing and moved to the passenger side, committed to helping Hotch whether he wanted her help or not. It took quite a bit of effort to successfully get him on the ground, so he didn't protest too much as she helped him to his apartment. As soon as they were both inside, Hotch bolted away from her as she moved to shut the door behind her. By the time she turned back around Hotch was closing the door to the bathroom, leaving JJ standing in his living room alone.
JJ tried as hard as she could to stay calm, but standing in the room where she had found Hotch was eating her alive. She quickly berated herself for focusing on her own selfish issues and not Hotch before she moved over to the door. "Hotch? Do you need anything, can I get you anything?"
"I'm fine JJ." JJ took a deep breath, willing herself to not get emotional about how angry he sounded at the mere fact that she was in the apartment with him.
"Ok, I'll be out here. If you need anything, I'm right here."
JJ waited for a few moments before she accepted that he wasn't going to answer her. She walked back to the living room, carefully avoiding the spot where she had found him. Someone–Morgan and Dave she imagined–had come by and thoroughly cleaned the apartment, but JJ didn't need a giant puddle of blood to know where Hotch had been. JJ sat on the couch and patiently waited for Hotch to exit the bathroom, her eyes avoiding that spot at all cost.
Unfortunately, Hotch decided to practically lock himself in the bathroom to get away from her; the apartment was silent so JJ knew he was simply staying in the bathroom to put space between the two of them. As time continued to pass, JJ was growing more and more upset with Hotch for acting the way he was, but she was also getting pissed off. She understood he was going through a hard time, but did he honestly think he could get through this on his own?
After almost an hour Hotch must have realized he couldn't live in his bathroom, finally exiting the room before walking straight past JJ, still sitting on the couch, ignoring her completely as he entered his kitchen. JJ figured following him would just piss him off more, so she stayed on the couch as she called out to him. "Do you want me to cook something?"
Hotch stayed in the kitchen. "No."
The anger was getting worse, but JJ tried to keep it under wraps. "Can I get you anything?"
"No."
JJ finally couldn't stand it; she stood up from the couch but she was shaking so hard she didn't even attempt to move. "Look, I get that me being here is just a God awful idea to you but I'm just here to make sure you get better!"
Hotch appeared in the door leading from the kitchen to the living room, staring at JJ so intently she almost took a step back. "Don't start with me."
JJ was sick and tired of watching Hotch go through this alone, even if it was his own damn fault. "Hotch, I understand you went through-"
"You have no idea what I went through, JJ." His voice was completely neutral, but JJ could hear the undertone of anger.
"I know I don't understand; none of us do. But I can understand that it was awful and-"
"JJ you don't understand anything." Hotch never raised his voice but only because he didn't have to; JJ knew what his current intensity meant, and while it partially terrified her that it was directed at her, she knew he needed to get emotional about what had happened to him. Just because he was remaining calm and neutral didn't mean JJ wasn't nearing hysterics.
"Then explain it to me! I'm right here Hotch, I want to help you, I want you to talk to me!"
Hotch moved out of the doorframe and walked towards JJ as she fought to stay still and not take a step back. She had sworn she wouldn't push him but she was doing just that and they both knew it.
"JJ…you have absolutely no idea what you're talking about. I'm handling this as I want to handle it and I don't want to talk about it. Drop. It." If anyone else had spoken those words to her, they would have screamed them. The intention wasn't lost on JJ.
"But you're not handling it Hotch! You bottle everything up and close off from everyone and you think that's handling it but it's not! You need to talk about what happened!"
"JJ drop it now!"
"Hotch the team is terrified that you're bottling this up! You're not going to get over this until you talk about it!"
Hotch took a step closer to her and JJ did take a minor step back; she'd never seen such a forceful look on his face. "I was stabbed nine times by a serial killer in my own apartment." JJ flinched as he spoke, making each word separate and distinct. "And you and the damn team want me to get over it?"
JJ looked back, determined to stay strong and break through his defense, no matter how difficult it was. "We want you to be ok! We want our boss and our friend back. We don't want to lose you!"
Hotch barked out a sarcastic laugh. "JJ I'm telling you right now. Let. This. Go. Now."
JJ shook her head, trying to stand straighter as her hands shook by her side. "No."
Hotch took another step and now stood directly toe-to-toe with JJ, who didn't back down. "Let. It. Go."
JJ shook her head, her eyes still locked with his. "Not until you talk about what happened."
Hotch took a deep breath and continued to stare at her for a moment before turning his back on her and moving away. JJ knew he was using his last defense to wall himself back up, and if he succeeded she'd lose him completely.
"Aaron, I thought you were dead!" JJ could hear the desperation and pain in her voice, and she assumed that it was her tone rather than her words that stopped him before he moved down the hall. Tears began pooling in her eyes and she didn't make any move to stop them. "When I first got here, you were just lying in the middle of the floor and I thought you were dead. It took so long for you to take a breath. You started to pass out after I called the paramedics and I just kept thinking, 'he's dead, he won't make it until they get here.' In the ambulance you started to fade out again and I knew you weren't going to make it to the hospital."
JJ was openly sobbing but she couldn't stop. "Then they wheeled you away from me and I just kept thinking 'he's not going to make it.' I kept thinking of how I would tell the team, how I would tell Jack, how I would tell Haley, how I'd tell Sean. I kept thinking that we couldn't go on without you, that I wouldn't know what to do if you didn't make it. I had no idea what I was supposed to do without you."
Hotch finally turned around, looking JJ square in the eye. He had tears forming in his eyes as he watched tears run down JJ's face but she kept talking. "You have no idea how many people rely on you, how many people need you, how many people love you. Your team, your family, we all need you in order to function Aaron. We can't go on without you. You…you don't…"
JJ began to sob hysterical, and she had to grab the couch to keep from falling down. Hotch was at her side in an instant, tears finally escaping his eyes as he sat them carefully on the floor, holding JJ close to him as they both cried, both of their defenses broken down beyond repair. They held on to each other, completely vulnerable, and cried over the tragedy that they both had to recover from…together.
Author's Note: I skipped all the hospital stuff because I just didn't want to write about Hotch being stuck in a hospital bed as JJ and the team visited him. But now Hotch gets to be functional and recovering at home with JJ!