Chapter 4: The Miseducation of LaQueefa Hill
After a crazy and unimaginable, but hilarious experience, Riley and Cindy were now in shock, watching LaQueefa as she ate one Big Mac at a time in one bite. She ate loudly and, in between, took a sip of her extra large Coke. By now, she has probably eaten about 20 Big Macs in 25 seconds. Each Big Mac she ate she never chewed. Upon seeing this, Riley then had the urge to ask,
"Do you ever chew?". LaQueefa swallowed and replied, "I don't chew my Big Macs. I throw them bitches in my mouth and swallow".
She continued savagely eating her "precious, sacred, divine, and anointing" (according to her) Big Macs one by one. She then stacked eight of them and sung before eating, "Stack 'em up, stack 'em up. Watch 'em fall in my mouth". LaQueefa then took a box of small fries and ate each fry in one setting without leaving any crumbs. She then took a few chicken nuggets, dipping them into BBQ and buffalo sauce and ate those, too, accidentally spilling BBQ sauce on her shirt. Riley asked, "Doesn't that bother you?". LaQueefa answered, "No, it happens to me literally all the time". Cindy, now almost emaciated along with Riley, attempted to grab a Big Mac.
LaQueefa rose up so fast, her fat and various flaps smacked her in the face and hollered, "BITCH, WHAT THE FUCK IS YOU DOIN?! I KNOW FO' A FACT THAT YO ASS AIN'T TRYNA TAKE ONE OF MY PRECIOUS, SACRED, DIVINE, HOLY, EXQUISITE, GORGEOUS, HEAVENLY, BEAUTIFUL ASS BIG MACS! YOU AIN'T GETTING SHIT! TOUCH ONE OF DESE BITCHES AGAIN AND, SO HELP ME GOD I WILL SKIN YO LIL WONDER BREAD ASS AND COOK YOU TO GO ALONG WITH MY FAMOUS BBQ PORK SANDWICHES AND TRI-TIP FO' THA NEXT FAMILY GATHERING! YOU FUCKIN' UNDERSTAND ME?! U MAD BITCH?! IMA GET TA SLICIN! ". She wiped the sweat off her face and sat back down, unwrapping another Big Mac, and eating it, looking at Cindy angrily like she was crazy.
Jazmine entered the house. She cheerfully greeted, "Hey everyone!". LaQueefa's obsession with Big Macs caused wrappers to fly everywhere and one going on Jazmine's face. She said, "SHIIIIIIIT, a bitch hongry!" as she ate some more chicken nuggets with buffalo sauce. Riley whispered to Cindy, "I don't know how she hasn't had a heart attack yet. Or died." Cindy laughed. LaQueefa heard them, poured BBQ sauce on their heads, and angrily continued eating. Jazmine came by the living room and sat. She stared at the awkward and disgusting sight of loud gobbling and munching of Big Macs and chicken nuggets. LaQueefa burped loudly, for the 24th time since she began eating her order. She then stopped.
Riley asked, "What is it?". LaQueefa ran to the bathroom, taking with her some chicken nuggets and fries. This gave Riley and Cindy a chance to eat a few nuggets with some fries. Seconds later, she came back, eating a chicken nugget with some buffalo sauce and sighed, saying, "Whew, false alarm. It was just a chicken nugget in my titty".
Riley, now overly disgusted, asked, "And you threw it away, right?". LaQueefa barked, "Nigga, hell naw! Are you from another planet? I don't throw food away nor do I give it away, unless it's fruit, vegetables, salads or anything else like that. I just give it away. I ate that shit. It was a lil bit salty, but it was good tho". Riley and Cindy left to vomit, as LaQueefa stood proudly doing the duck face and flipping both her middle fingers. She held up a Big Mac and sang, "Yes, I'm saving all my love for yooooooouuuuu", and ate it with content, saying, "Lawd, this shit is good!". as Jazmine stared with a terrified look.
LaQueefa got dressed and grabbed her purse. She said, "Err'body, I'm going to PF Changs! Huey, Riley, Cindy, and Jazmine y'all comin' with me! If you refuse, I'ma eat y'all!". They half-heartedly came with her, wondering the possibilities of her getting into trouble.
They arrived a few minutes later. An extremely dark black girl came by and said in a ghetto voice, "Welcome to PF Changs. My name's La'bobbiquisharita. Let me get y'all niggas seated". They followed her to a table. They sat and were given menus. La'bobbiquisharita said, "Can I get y'all niggas somethin' to drink?". LaQueefa said, "I'll have a diet Coke". Riley said, "The same fo' me". Jazmine said, "Some lemonade, please". Cindy said, "You got any Fresca?". "Fo sho!", replied La'bobbiquisharita, Huey simply said, "Just a water". "A'ight, whatchu want?".
LaQueefa closed her menu, took a sip of her Diet Coke, and said, "I'll have a Shirley Temple with 30 cherries". They all stared. La'bobbiquisharita said, "Damn, you's a hungry lil bitch." "It's about time somebody understands my fat ass", LaQueefa said relieved. "A'ight, I'ma get those to y'all, in the mean time, decide what y'all finna eat". Cindy said, "LaQueefa, don't be ordering nothing cra-", she looked to find her not sitting. "Where the hell is she?".
They looked to find LaQueefa carrying a bunch of orders for the gang. She said, "Let's go y'all!". They followed her as she carried food that she apparently, but not surprisingly stole. They got back into the car and sped off. La'bobbiquisharita shouted, "Stop those ghetto ass niggas!". She patted her weave as she stormed back inside.