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Please don't hate me…

Derek's Point of View

"Dude, you look beat," I hear a voice from in front of me. I look up from my seat in the lobby to see Mark staring down at me with a concerned look on his face and two cups of coffee in his hands. "I think you need one of these," he whispers, handing me a cup before taking the seat next to mine.

"Thanks," I mutter, as I take a sip of the scolding hot liquid, enjoying the sensation as it trickles down my throat.

"What's up? Grey turn you down again?" He asks with a chuckle.

'She wants to be friends,' I murmur, unable to shift the sadness I feel. I've lost her. For good.

'What?' Mark splutters his coffee over himself. 'You mean she wants to go back to friends with benefits? Right?'

'She wants to be friends,' I repeat, looking at him.

'Shit,' He mutters, giving me a pitying look.

'I've lost her Mark,' I murmur, rubbing my face. 'I've really lost her this time.'

'You don't know that,' he tries to assure me. 'She'll come around. She'll...'

'We were laughing and joking,' I breathe.

'Well that's good, isn't it?' he asks me, sounding upbeat.

'You don't understand. She was laughing and joking with me. She wasn't running. There was no fear. She didn't hesitate.' I explain.

'Well that's good. This is what you've been waiting for,' Mark urges me, patting me on the shoulder. 'Tell her how you feel and...'

'I can't,' I mutter. I so wish I could but I know now that I will never be able to tell Meredith how I truly feel again.

'What do you mean you can't?' He scoffs. 'Of course you can. You just have to...'

'She was laughing and joking with me,' I begin, as my best friend gives me a confused look. 'When Meredith is in love, it freaks her out and she wants to run. She would freak just at the mention of the future. She did none of that.'

'Well, maybe...'

'She's moved on Mark,' I sigh. 'I looked into her eyes and I swear, she felt nothing, Mark. She's moved on.'

'Derek, I'm...'

'And now I have to do the same,' I breathe.

'What are you going to do?' He asks hesitantly.

'I'm going to visit the family in New York and then...I have no idea,' I admit.

'You're not planning to leave Seattle, are you?' He asks awkwardly.

'I have...I don't...I don't know Mark,' I answer honestly. 'But I don't think that I can stand by and watch the woman I love, move on with her life.'

I feel Mark's stunned expression staring at me.

'It's too hard. It's just too hard,' I mutter, before we slip into an uncomfortable silence.

Meredith's Point of View

'What did you do?' I hear Alex's voice ask from behind me.

'What do you mean?' I ask, staring down at Zola's sleeping form. She looks so peaceful. She's brand new and she's already been hurt in this world. How is that fair?

'Shepherd's been walking about like a lost little puppy today,' he informs me.

Wince.

'What did you do now?' he asks with a laugh. Way to make me feel better Alex.

'Nothing,' I lie. Have I done the right thing? 'Derek's not long broken up with Rose. He's bound to feel a little lost right now,' I murmur, refusing to take my eyes off of Zola, in case Alex sees the pain I feel.

'Is there something going on between the two of you?' he asks bluntly.

'I swear you're becoming more and more like Christina,' I giggle. 'And no, there's nothing going on,' I whisper, hiding my pain behind my smile as I turn to face him.

'Are you ok?' He asks me, giving me a worried look.

'I'm fine,' I assure him. 'Now, how's our girl here?' I ask with a smile.

'She is doing great,' he smiles. 'She'll be fighting fit in no time.'

'She will,' I giggle.

'Can I get you anything before I head home?' he asks me gently.

'No, I'm good, thanks,' I assure him. 'I'll see you in the morning.'

'You sure?' he asks seeming hesitant to leave me. He's such a brother.

'I'm sure,' I smile. 'Now get out of here,' I encourage him.

'Ok,' he nods, walking away, leaving me to watch over Zola.

She's such a little cutie. She needs a family. She needs people around her. She deserves to have a family after everything she's been through.

She needs a mom.

She deserves a mom.

She could be mine.

She could be mine and Derek's.

'Earth to Meredith,' I hear from behind me and I jump before turning to see Derek giving me a sad smile.

'Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you,' he smiles sadly, shoving his hands in the pockets of his lab coat.

'That's ok,' I whisper, feeling uncomfortable. 'I...uh...I was just lost in thought.'

'Be careful,' he whispers, leaning in slightly. 'That's a dangerous combination; you and thinking,' he chuckles.

'Hey,' I feign shock. 'You shouldn't be making fun of me,' I laugh.

'And why's that?' he asks, giving me a mocking look.

'Because we're friends,' I breathe out slowly. It feels strange to say it out loud again.

'Right,' he mutters, glancing down to the floor, as I fiddle with my watch: 'Friends.'

'Are you ok?' I ask him; aware that I am sending a worried look his way but it is there before I can stop myself.

'Yeah, I...uh... Dropped by to check on our patient and to let you know that I'm going to be going away for a while,' he admits.

What?

Did he just say that?

He walks around me to have a quick peek at Zola. 'Where's her chart?'

'Uh…at the nurses' station,' I stutter. 'Where are you going?'

'Home,' he whispers, glancing back at me.

What?

'I thought Seattle was your home,' I murmur, not too sure whether I feel angry or sad as I move to stand directly beside him.

'It is,' he smiles at me, looking as surprised as I feel about my last comment. 'I just ... I haven't seen my family in a long time and it is about time I went back home for a visit,' he explains.

'Oh,' I sigh. 'Well, that's understandable,' I breathe. 'They must miss you, especially your mom,' I whisper as I reach into Zola's cot and fix her blanket, before stroking her cheek. 'Everyone should have a mom,' I slip out.

'Are you ok?' he asks, placing his hand on my arm. It takes everything in me not to flinch as he's so close to me.

'Yeah, I'm fine,' I sigh, aware that I don't even believe me. 'I'll just go get Zola's chart,' I smile, walking towards the door.

'Mer, I'll ...'

'I'll be back in a minute,' I whisper, retreating out of the room and breathing a sigh of relief as I finally leave Derek's eye vision.

He's leaving.

Please comment and let me know what you think. Don't worry about Meredith and Derek's conversation. I promise you'll get to read that later in the story.