Chapter III; "State Of Mind"
It was an office lined with books. Rows and rows of books. Books lining the shelves, giving out knowledge like radiation. It seemed to be a universal constant, no matter where you went. The offices of lawyers and psychiatrists everywhere seemed to be always clouded with row upon row of books. Squall could have quietly wondered whether or not a lawyer or doctor actually ever read all the books in his or her office. That is, he could have wondered, if only he gave a damn.
He'd been sitting in this office for all of five minutes, sitting quietly. The psychiatrist at the desk in front of him had spent the last five minutes looking through Squall's file. Looking at the notes and making some of his own as Squall sat and glared at him. The doc was obviously under the impression Squall had nothing better or more worthwhile to do. Like walking off a cliff.
The doc finally looked up and smiled a nice falsetto smile at Squall. He was trying to be polite to the obviously angry youth that sat in front of his desk. He had rigidly refused to lie down on the couch when he entered. The doc was in his mid-thirties, but seemed to begin losing his hair at an early age. He wore glasses and spoke with a thick Dolletian accent.
"Hello," he said, disgustingly cheery. "My name is Doctor Quialan Dais. And I'm the Garden's psychiatric counselor."
Squall resisted the urge to say 'good for you'. Here we go,. He thought. A psychiatrist. A guy who reads a lot of books until he reckons he can now read people like books. Thinks he can read me like a book. Has he ever read a book that's twisted?
"Can you please state your name for the record?" asked Dais.
"Why?" said Squall, his eyes clouded with annoyance. "Do you think I've forgotten?"
Dais was not used to this. Most of the SeeD's and students he dealt with wanted to communicate. They wanted to get their problems out in the open. But this guy.....uh-uh. Dais could see where this guy was going to prove difficult.
"Squall Leonhart." Squall sighed, still annoyed.
"Middle name?" probed Dais.
"None."
"None? Are you sure?"
"I know my own name." Squall said, wondering how the hell someone could ask such a stupid question.
"Okay, okay." submitted Dais. "Let's not get testy. We have a long session in front of us."
"You must be so happy."
In his entire career, Doctor Quailan Dais had never gotten off to a bad start with a patient like this before.
"Right." he said. "Where shall we begin?"
"I was born. I grew up." said Squall. If this was a certain other world, this would parodying David Copperfield.
"And?"
"And 22 years later I was forced to sit in an office with a complete moron. The End."
"You're blocking, Squall."
"You're annoying. So what?"
"Don't you want to talk about your problems?"
"In a word; No. In two words; Fuck No."
Dais removed his glasses and stroked his temples. He sighed in frustration and put his glasses back on.
"I am aware that you are only here because you were ordered to by Tatsel. You have a problem, Squall. It's to do with that entire incident in Timber, not to mention your career for the last five years. You seem to throw yourself into your work, and yet you've still been demoted twice. You have a problem, and it is my mission to get to the roots of it."
"Good luck." said Squall, obviously not meaning it.
"Let's try some association therapy, shall we?"
Squall gave a gesture to indicate he couldn't care if Dais had asked him to set fire to himself.
"What is the first word that comes into your head when I mention.....your mother?" Dais asked.
"Dead." said Squall, not hesitating and eerily calm.
"Oh, I'm sorry."
"Why? You didn't kill her."
"No, what I mean is –"
"Well, I haven't read any of these books, doctor," said Squall. "But it looks to me like you've got a guilt complex."
"Huh?" Dais was caught off guard.
Squall was almost grinning at the corner of his mouth. But that would make him Seifer to take pleasure in this. He was just being rude, plain and simple.
"Let's try something else." suggested Dais. He held up an ink-blot test and showed it to Squall.
"Tell me," he said, notepad at the ready. "What does this look like to you?"
Squall feigned examining it. "It looks like an ink-blot test." he said, deliberately.
"No, what does the picture look like to you?"
"It looks like some silly jerk spilt a blob of paint on a piece of paper, folded it in half and decided he could know what people were thinking about when they looked at it, in a very pretentious way."
"You see what you want to see, Squall."
"Then it looks like the other side of the door out of here."
Dais sighed. "What about this one?" he said, holding up another. Squall took the whole batch in his hands and sifted through them one by one.
"Oh yes, doctor. I really must have a problem."
"What do you see?"
Squall held one up. "This," he said. "Is a picture of a piece of paper with a lot of ink split on it."
Dais sighed internally. Squall was now mocking him. Why had it taken him this long to see that?
Dais nearly scowled.
Squall nearly grinned.
"There you have it doctor." he said. "I'm completely nuts. Now lock me up. Anything to get out of this office."
"You're mocking me, Squall."
"You're damn right I am."
"You are without a doubt the most uncooperative and annoying patient I have ever met." growled Dais.
"You're without a doubt the most incompetent and annoying psychiatrist I've ever met!" growled Squall, standing up.
"Get out of my office!" Dais ordered.
Squall picked up his chair and threw it through the doors, which almost came off their hinges. Dais watched, eyes wide open.
"Think I have a problem controlling anger, now, doc?" taunted Squall.
Dais looked down at his notes, and Squall's file. "I do think you have a very big problem as far as any and all emotions are concerned." he announced. "I believe it stems from the disappearance of your girlfriend, Rinoa Heartilly, five years ago. That was the point you began to fall. My diagnosis, based on your file and this farce I have witnessed today, is that you should do your best to forget about her. Put her behind you. All your emotions are sourced on her. If you let her go and forget about her for good, I'm sure we'll witness you change for the better..."
Squall's rage was totally and utterly silent. He turned round, and walked slowly towards Dais. He stood up right at him. Dais was sure Squall was going to hit him. Squall did something even worse. He growled.
"Don't-ever-speak-to me-about-Rinoa-again. You never knew her, you're never going to know me. Do you understand?"
Dais tried to say 'Yes', but it emerged as a whimper.
And Squall left, with not another word. He left Dais there, contemplating his utter failure with that last patient. Maybe somebody like Squall Leonhart is simply beyond help. Maybe they don't want to be helped. Maybe his pain......maybe is pain is all he has left of Rinoa......
Squall stormed down the corridor, a sum of the rage that was inside him. The rage giving way to pain now, the pain of Rinoa's absence. He leaned back against a wall.
BETTER?!? Better for who? For everyone else?!? God, why can't everyone just....just.....God, just leave me alone. If it was not meant to be with Rinoa, then it's meant to be for me to be this way. Alone. Why does everyone want me to change for 'the better'? I can only be who I am. I couldn't be the SeeD Garden wanted me to be. I couldn't be the man Rinoa wanted me to be. All I can be is myself. It's all I have left. Why did I do it? Why did I lose it like that? God, what's happening to me?
It would be later on when he realized that all of the ink-blot tests, every one of them....
.....looked like AngelWings.
* * * *
Friday night in Garden.
On Friday nights, curfew was extended beyond normal hours, and students and faculty alike could let their hair down and just relax. The cafeteria was converted into something like a bar or a nightclub. Right now, at a table near the bar, a group of old friends were playing cards and laughing about old times. Quistis sat with Selphie, and Irvine and Zell sat across from them. Seifer was at the head of the table. (Whether to remain distant from the others or state his superiority is uncertain. You decide.) They were talking about all kinds of things, and playing a game Irvine had invented. It was a bit like Triple Triad, but with about 4 or more players. He called it "poker".
Selphie squealed in excitement and pulled in her winnings.
"Aw rats." said Irvine, slumping back in his chair but still in a good humor. "I'm gonna have to teach you a game I can win."
Selphie gave a tiny laugh and smiled at him.
Green eyes. Kinda like an emerald. Very...crystalline....
Irvine realized he was smiling too, and his hand was actually on hers as he helped her with her winnings. She was blushing and he drew it away.
Zell was the one who broke it by speaking.
"So," he said, taking a bite of hotdog. "Those guys in Timber. Any idea what's up with that?"
"It's still our mission." said Quistis. "There's an investigation, and we've ID'ed all the terrorists Squall...defeated. Get this; they were all from Esthar. They all were family men, with wives and children."
"Kinda makes you wonder why they'd go all nuts like that." observed Irvine.
"There's something else." announced Quistis. "They were all on the payroll at Odine Laboratories. These guys weren't terrorists, not mercenaries, not ex-army. They were scientists."
"Wow. That is weird." agreed Selphie.
"There was a ninth member to their group." stated Quistis. "He wasn't there in Timber that day, but he probably knows all his companions are dead."
"How do we know this?" asked Seifer.
"We believe he was the one who procured the weapons they used in the siege. All the terrorist were on the missing persons hotlist in Esthar. All eight worked at Odine Laboratories and just vanished one day. There was a ninth man, he worked in Odine Labs too. His name is Tedrin, and he was last spotted on a train to Deling City."
"So, what does this mean?" asked Zell.
"There's going to be a Sting." Quistis announced. "The team is going to Deling City, and we're going to nab this guy and get some answers."
"Cool!" commented Selphie. "A bust!"
"Indeed." said Quistis. She looked to the head of the table. "You're awful quiet, Seifer."
"Just thinking." he replied.
"Who cares?" joked Irvine. "Seifer's awful when he's talking too."
This prompted a degree of mirth from the group.
And as they laughed, nobody noticed Zell surreptitiously slipping some food off the table and slipping it under his shirt. Everyone would have missed it were it not for Selphie's wandering eyes.
"Um, Zell?" she hazarded. "Watcha doin'?"
Zell looked at himself. He had been hiding food under his shirt, and he was trying to sneak a fork into his glove. He looked at this in horror, realizing it he had been doing this without even thinking. He realized everyone was looking at him.
Quistis stared in horror. Oh my gods....he-he was smuggling food and kitchen utensils without even knowing. He was doing it on instinct. It was automatic, he wasn't even THINKING about it. My gods, Zell. What did they do to you? What did you go through?
Zell couldn't take their eyes on him like this, and practically ran out of the cafeteria.
Irvine began to stand up. "I should go after–"
Quistis stood up. "No." she said. "I'll go. It has to be me. It's my fault. I'm...I'm responsible."
They watched her leave. As she went, she practically walked right into Squall, who entered looking like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders. She said 'hello', he said 'hi' and nothing else.
She went after Zell.
* * * *
He was standing by what used to be the main entrance before Garden became mobile, looking out over the Dollet Sea. The sea at night is a strange thing. Pure blackness. You can't tell where the night sky ends and the black sea begins...
"Zell?"
It was her. Quistis.
"What?" was his simple reply.
She approached him, standing near enough to talk, but far enough to stay that little distance from him.
"Are you okay?" she asked.
"No." he growled in reply. "You of all people should know that. I'm not okay. I haven't been okay in three years, Quistis."
She knew nothing. Nothing about what it was like. Nothing about the way he could remember the voices of his former peers when he slept at night. Nothing about that he still stole food and hid it in his room. Nothing about that he still slept curled up on the floor because he couldn't sleep in a bed anymore. She knew nothing. And yet she tries to apologize, and offer sympathy like she knows what he's going through.
"Zell, look. Saying I'm sorry until the end of the world won't change what's happened." she said. "But I really am. I felt terrible when it happened, and nothing I can do or say will make what's happened to you go away, and I know it's all my fault, but–"
"You're right, Quistis." said Zell, his back to her. "You are so right."
He turned around and she saw his face. There they were, where his tattoo was, three prominent scars, slashed across the side of his face and cheek.
"You are to blame. It is all your fault." he said cruelly, and walked off.
"I don't need you blaming me, Zell." she said quietly to herself, tears ringing her eyes. "If only you knew how many times I've done that myself."
* * * *
Selphie felt a tap on her shoulder. Turning and looking, there was her friend, Antha, the brunette with her hair in pigtails.
"Is that who I think it is?" she asked Selphie, pointing at Squall. He was standing over the juke-box near the bar.
Seifer wasn't even looking. "If you're thinking of the biggest fuckup in history, then it is."
Selphie ignored him. "Yeah." she said. "That's Squall."
"Wow." gasped Antha. "The Squall Leonhart."
Irvine frowned. "He'd blow a fuse if you referred to him like that to his face." he advised.
"Modesty, I guess." said Antha. "Wow, Squall Leonhart, who defeated Sorceress Ultimecia and Sorceress Alexandra, stopped the Garden/Galbadia and overcame death itself, all in the name of love. Wow, he is so much more handsome in person."
"He's still hung up over Rinoa." Selphie warned.
"That's probably because he hasn't met the right girl yet." Antha said.
"Let me guess." said Selphie. "That's you?"
"Why not? He needs someone to bring him out of his shell. Think he'll like me?"
"Oh, go ahead and try!" said Seifer. "You come from nothing, you lose, you go back to nothing. What have you lost? Nothing. Go on, I'm sure he'll like you."
Selphie and Irvine stared at Seifer as Antha wandered over in the direction of Squall.
"This should be good." said Seifer, crossing his arms and waiting for the show to start.
Squall found the song he was looking for, selected it, waiting for the CD to be selected, then finally walking back over to the bar as the first notes began to fill the cafeteria. Slow and melodic, by a little-known band that were no longer together. They came from Deling City, had a few hits and then just vanished.
"Who's gonna tell you when It's too late?
Who's gonna tell you things Aren't so great?"
came the voice of the lead singer, filling the whole cafeteria. Squall was the only one truly listening.
"Hey, Squall." came a voice. It was a student, who was standing by a pool table with two others. "You wanna be on our team? We heard you play a great game of pool? Wanna join in?"
Squall said nothing, sat at the bar and just listened to the music in silence.
"You can't go on, Thinking nothing's wrong
Who's gonna drive you home tonight?"
"What'll it be, Squall?" asked the bartender. "Drink or a friendly ear?"
Squall ordered a drink and paid for it. No talking. No idle chit-chat. The bartender got the message and continued serving others.
"Who's gonna pick you up, When you fall?
Who's gonna hang it up, When you call?"
"Is this seat taken?" asked a voice. Squall shot a quick glance to his left. Some girl with brown hair in pigtails. Squall waved his hand slightly. He seemed like he couldn't give a crap if the chair was on fire. The girl sat and called for the bartender. "I'll have what he's having."
"Who's gonna pay attention, To your dreams?
Who's gonna plug their ears, When you scream?"
"That's a pretty song." said Antha. "Slow and sad, but pretty. What's it called?"
"Drive." said Squall, eventually, his mind focussed on the song.
"Is it for a special someone? Or about a special someone?". Squall gave no answer.
"Oh, poor guy. Don't you even have someone special to you?"
"You can't go on, Thinking nothing's wrong
Who's gonna drive you home tonight?"
"Poor you." said Antha. "Sitting here all alone."
"I'm always alone." was all Squall said.
"A shame." replied Antha. "You're the best looking guy here."
"Who's gonna hold you down, When you shake?
Who's gonna come around, When you break?"
"Not even a smile?" hazarded Antha. Squall turned away from her and to another drink. Antha began to wave her hand in his face. "You're-going-to-like-me. You're-going-to-like-me."
Squall realized he'd heard those words before. Coupled with the music that helped give him some solace, he could see her face again in his mind....
"You can't go on. Thinking nothing's wrong
Who's gonna drive you home tonight?"
Rudely awakened from his memories of her as the song ended. She wasn't with him anymore, she was somewhere else. He was sitting in the Balamb Garden's cafeteria all alone, stewing in memories. And there was a girl beside him, people around him, those who would be his friends near him....
"It's okay to be lonely like that, Squall." he barely heard her say. "You just haven't met the right girl. And you never now....she could be sitting right next to you."
Squall reacted instantly when Antha placed her hand on his thigh.
Squall stood up with such speed and force that the chair he was sitting on was flung back and clattered to the floor. The music had stopped. People were staring at the disturbance. They were staring at him. He was just standing there, breathing slightly heavily, looking a little like a rabbit caught in headlights.
He looked around the room with those lonely and angry eyes.
"Stay away from me." he said to Antha, and to everyone else.
"Hey, buddy, are you ok?" asked the bartender.
"Don't call me that!" Squall riposted. "You don't even know me! I'm not your buddy. I'm not your pal, not your friend, your acquaintance or even a familiar face. I am your total fucking stranger, ok!"
He realized then he was addressing the entire cafeteria. "I am not anybody's team-mate." he said to the students by the pool table. "I'm nobody's card-game buddy." he said to Irvine and Selphie. "And I am not some candidate or hopeful in some lousy singles bar." he said to Antha.
He looked like he had a lot more to say, having silenced the entire cafeteria. But he couldn't. He wouldn't. Some emotions were just meant for him alone. Tears to muffle with a pillow that nobody would be allowed see. So he just left. He walked out the door and didn't come back. Silence was destroyed as he did, a million conversations starting, too many for the human ear to filter out a single one. But it was obvious they were all about what had just transpired. What was all that about? What's eating him? Ad nauseum.
Seifer sat back in his chair. "Wow." he said, not meaning it. "That was certainly interesting."
"He misses Rinoa!" Irvine hissed to him. "We all do! Don't you think he's taken it worse than the rest of us? She was your friend before she met Squall, don't you miss her?"
Seifer took a drink, looking like this whole conversation was below him.
"No." he said. "I don't. I miss the old Rinoa, sure. Then she met Squall. Then she changed. You could say I miss Rinoa Heartilly. But I couldn't give a rat's ass about Sorceress Rinoa. She's the bane of her own existence. And she's been the bane of mine on more than one occasion."
"You can't mean that!" pleaded Selphie.
"Not only do I mean that," growled Seifer. "I wouldn't think twice about having it in writing and framing it. She gave me hell, she gave me the creeps, she gave me grief. Sorceress Rinoa killed, no, murdered Rinoa Heartilly. If I knew she was drowning, I wouldn't lend and hand. You saw Squall just there, she's destroyed him. He's not even a shadow of his former self. That may have happened to him, but it won't happen to me."
"I am starting to get sick about people making judgements about people like me, and I am totally sick of crap people say about Squall and Rinoa!" Irvine retorted. "You are the first case of a real 'Know-Nothing Know-It-All, Seifer."
Selphie was entirely oblivious to the conversation. Her eyes had wandered over to Antha, who shrugged at her.
You win some, you lose some.
Selphie's eyes rested on the doorway Squall had stormed out of. Aside from Squall, she was the only other one familiar with the song he had played. It was pretty much a prayer for the lonely.
It's okay, Squall.
she thought. I can't claim to know what you're going through. I can only claim to be your friend and that's what I'll do. You're only turning your back and the world, but the whole world will not turn it's back on you Squall. Even if all the Seifer's and Tatsel's of the world try to write you off and shout you down and shut you out, don't ever convince yourself the whole world hates you. Because we'll all still be here for you, Squall. We'll be there for you. And even if something terrible happens, and Quistis and Irvine and Zell can't be there for you..............I'll love you, Squall.....
* * * *
Author's Notes;
If you're interested in downloading it, the song Squall plays is indeed called "Drive" and the name of the band is The Cars.Author's Notes;
To avoid confusion, no, Selphie is not in love with Squall. She sees him as a friend and he sees her as a friend. But Selphie is a very underrated character, who I've noticed has often demonstrated more than just loyalty to Squall, but friendship too, something harder to earn than loyalty. The relationship between Squall and Selphie is a very underestimated and seldom employed one. I'm hoping to enlighten people as to Selphie and Squall's friendship as the story continues....