When they met again, this time on an empty bridgeway in one of many corridors, Rey restricted it to a lesson, much to Kylo Ren's displeasure.
Grudgingly, he obliged, and after handing her a substitute lightsaber, they fell back into their usual pattern of repetition by emulation. But as the minutes dragged on, her cool determination to not broach the subject of their last encounter drew his ire for only shame and guilt would make her react to him this way. What had felt right to him had been wrong for her, it seemed.
"This isn't working!" She extinguished her lightsaber off in frustration. "I need my own. It doesn't feel right."
"Then repair the one you have." He lowered his own electrified blade.
"I don't have the—" She suddenly stopped, realising her mistake in revealing that her weapon of choice was no longer functional.
"Crystal?" He finished for her. The sullen silence that followed only confirmed his suspicions. Pacing in front of her, he pondered over what to do with this information and how to use it to his advantage. If she didn't love him, fine. Perhaps affection could be earned and won then in time, slowly, she could accept him. "I want to make another deal with you."
Rey was wary and for good reason. "We already have one."
"That's for my teaching. This is for a crystal." Kylo Ren raised his hand towards her in a placating gesture. "If you want it, let's come to a bargain."
"...what kind of bargain?"
He did not answer her right away and the more he prolonged the lapse between his reply, the greater her nervousness grew. Finally, without looking at her, he said, "There are things….that I'd like you to do whilst we train."
Rey turned away, repulsed. He had not gone into specifics but the implication was clear. "I don't need anything from you." She snapped. She wanted to leave and was about to do so when she felt him grasp her wrist and pull her towards him.
"I can feel your regret." His voice had hardened in anger. "If you hated me that much, why did you let me bed you?"
"Shut up."
"Think about my offer," he leaned in so close that his lips could reach for her neck with ease, "every time we meet and you do as I ask, you earn the crystal for your lightsaber. One visit for every ten grams it's worth."
Her fury seemed to vibrate outside of her skin but to his grim satisfaction, he sensed a practical dimension coming into play. She knew such a commodity was difficult to obtain and her experiences as a scavenger had taught her how the trade worked. The terms were unsavoury yet the price seemed worth it.
"Triple for each visit," she negotiated, looking absolutely furious with herself and at him.
"Double." For her to merely agree, he was feeling generous.
"Fine." She grit out. "Now let me go."
He released her.
Stepping away from him to begin another set, she glared at him then deliberately held up two fingers to signify that she counted this meeting as what it was valued. Twenty grams. Not caring to suppress his smirk, he switched on his lightsaber, prompting her to do the same.
And so they began.
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*~.oOo.~*
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They fell into a curious routine as much as the force would permit. Some days, when Kylo Ren sensed an acute confusion, he knew she was reading the sacred texts again and was stumping over a concept she couldn't understand.
"You're over analysing," he would tell her, "don't make it more complicated."
"But it says attachment is forbidden then in this section, it says 'compassion must be exercised at all times.'" Her complaint reverberated across his thoughts. "How can you be compassionate to someone when you're not supposed to be attached?"
"An age-old question." Her mystification almost tempted out a jaded smile from him. Instead, he observed intently before telling her, "let your hair down."
She hesitated then remembering their agreement, she quickly unwound the tie, sending a short cascade of brown waves that fell just to her shoulders. At least this request was easy to comply with but she could not say the same for the effect it had on him. His looked as if he was waiting for something to happen but he didn't think it would and what exactly that was, she was afraid to define it. Was it only lust?
Love?
Embarrassed, she averted her own eyes. "You were saying? What exactly is compassion…."
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*~.oOo.~*
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"Show me your shoulder."
The simplicity and bluntness exasperated Rey. Annoyed, she pulled at the collar of her shirt and held it back to expose a naked curve of skin. Defiantly she held his gaze.
"More," he said.
She didn't want to. The crystal, she forced herself to remember. She lowered the fabric to reveal both shoulders and a hint of her breasts.
The look on his face was like a sigh. She felt as though her own heart had leapt into her throat and swallowed hard, pushing down all of her feelings so they would not escape into expression. As they gazed at each other, a ripple of heat passed through her body as her mind flickered back to the memory of his lips against her own, his hips moving with hers.
At last, Kylo Ren turned from her and cleared his throat.
"Just focus on wrists today." He needlessly gestured by rotating his lightsaber in a deft swerve as she put her shirt back on in the right way. For once, she was glad that he could not see everything in her mind. Her heart was pounding and she refused to give him the satisfaction of knowing that.
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*~.oOo.~*
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There were times when Rey wanted to ask him if he could see her surroundings as she saw his. She wondered if he could glimpse the glittering oasis around her or even feel the long grass trample underneath their feet as they moved in time. Then she would remember the dangers associated with him knowing her exact whereabouts and it was enough to kill the impulse. Still, when there was a particularly beautiful sunset or the lake country looked very green that day, she wished he could share in their beauty too.
Assuming of course, that someone like him even had the capacity to appreciate it.
"You're not paying attention!" He snapped.
Rey scowled. Nope, she decided, he had no capacity at all.
They encircled one another, lightsabers revolving in tandem, careful to move their footwork to each others' responses. Every action coming with a reaction. Her strikes have been no more than forceful vertical lashes with no clear direction, were becoming precise and fluid. Occasionally, she caught him trying to weave in a Sith technique and that got her demanding that they stick to the aesthetic they had agreed on. Still, she was intrigued when he showed her how to disarm with the force then make a single aim. It was too clean of a technique not to disregard and deadly effective.
With every lesson, she traded her insecurities and fears for his, leading to remarkable discoveries that devastated her and surprised him.
They had been lonely. They had wanted to believe they were special, that they were meant more than who they were. She, who had grown up with nothing, treasured sentimental possessions whereas he, who had been given everything, cast them as unnecessary. Sometimes, they fell into accidental swaps of eclectic facts about one another. He found out she needed a blanket covering her to sleep, even during summer. She learned he disliked being interrupted in the mornings and preferred to go about them in silent contemplation.
Under normal circumstances, a natural relationship would have formed for this was the consequence of such trades. But lessons were for memory and answered demands for a crystal. They had left each other with little to no middle ground.
No, Kylo Ren wordlessly countered, that's on you.
"You're a Sith and Siths are absolutists. It's what you do." Rey retorted.
"Jedi don't negotiate with absolutists, isn't that right?" His lightsaber threateningly gleamed in the sunlight. "But you don't really have a choice in dealing with me because I have something you need."
"And I am someone you want."
For some reason, he wouldn't look at her and she knew why. She could see an all-too-familiar struggle behind his eyes, the crushing resistance of two paradigms bearing down on him to get out a resolve from him. Any. It was a sign of strength to hold onto something inspired by true compassion but also a weakness to acknowledge her as something he desired. Anger was coiling up inside of him and when he faced her, he unleashed it without care or restraint.
"You're nothing."
But the insult rolled off of her with little impact because she knew it wasn't true and told him so. Readying herself into another stance, she lifted her chin up.
"Not to you." She said.
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.oOo.
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She knew she would pay for that and she was right.
The next day, he responded in kind and tore off her sleeves so her arms could be showcased to the advantage of daylight. The day after, it was a kiss on the neck. Gripping her breasts. Hitching her skirts to her thighs.
"I don't want to train you today," he plainly told her once. Then before she could say anything, he followed up with the most impudent of his requests. "Lie next to me. Without clothes. Just that, nothing else."
She was livid and made sure to let him know it before forcing him to acknowledge that such an act was worth five times the stated value of their visits.
Her fingers flew as she stripped off her robes and unwound her hair in a brisk, business-like manner as though he was not there, watching her every move. Naked, she turned and to her vexation, she saw that he was still clothed. She paused, not liking this at all, as she was now the more vulnerable one for having been exposed.
Pulling her close to him, he guided her to the ground and was content to simply let her lie there with her hair sprawled across his chest and her arms entwined with his. It had been surprisingly easy to take him then yet this was so much harder to bear. To be held in his arms and lulled by the sound of his breathing. Contrary to her expectations, he had been telling the truth. He had wanted nothing more than this and it was jarring to all of her preconceived notions. She felt his thumb and forefinger trace out the curvature of her back in slow, uncertain trails as though he couldn't quite believe he was actually touching her before looping over her shoulder as he mapped out the strange geography of her body.
She refused to look at him, it was easier that way.
Instead, she concentrated on the hollow of his neck and watched as it caved in when he placed his hand on her breast.
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.oOo.
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"Get up."
She refused and lay there on the grassy hill, panting.
A half eclipsed moon hung above her providing the faintest bit of light; her forehead glistened with sweat and hairs were plastered to the side of her face. Her lips parted but no words came. Only an unsteady pattern of breaths. Impatient, he reached out to pull her up to a sitting position by her shoulders but as soon as he let go, she swayed.
"Leave me alone." He heard her whisper.
He turned away in derisive frustration. He didn't know why he let her convince him to show her how to project herself using the force when the effort only drained her. She looked about ready to collapse. He should have known better than to have taught her this.
"You waste too much power. Learn to conserve your energy."
"I'm…trying…"
"That's not good enough."
She struggled to respond with an insult but nothing comprehensible came out of her mouth. It was obvious to him that she needed a few moments of rest. Not too long, of course, just enough for her to regain equanimity.
He watched her huddled form in the darkness as her chest went up and down in a laborious motion to pump air into her lungs. He found himself wondering if it would have been better if she had never been granted any powers at all. She could have lived a mediocre existence without ever having to cross paths with monsters like him or align herself to lost causes such as the Resistance. She wouldn't have been the heroine that she was now, just a bystander caught up in this interstellar war.
A warm, moist hand suddenly grasped his wrist.
He looked down to see Rey on her knees, trying to rise up to her feet.
"Why do you keep sabotaging everything good in your life?"
He moved himself to pry away but she refused to let him go.
"Why?"
"You're raving."
"Your father gave you a chance and now I am too. But you never take it."
"I told you to get up."
"Why won't you answer?"
"If you don't want me to assist you, I'll stop."
She shut her eyes and bowed her head in exhaustion. Then one by one, her fingers slipped away from him and fell, defeated, onto the grass.
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.oOo.
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A series of roughly hewn crystals lay on black velvet, glistening in various colours under the harsh fluorescent lights. Kylo Ren's eyes swept over them in appraisal whilst the merchants nervously awaited his verdict.
"Where does this come from?" His gloved hand pointed to one with a scintillating emerald hue.
"The forests of Christophsis, Supreme Leader." A merchant answered in a respectful undertone before adding, "Everything you see before you is the best of our stock. We reserve only the finest for the First Order."
"And the Jedi as well." Kylo Ren pointedly glanced at him.
The merchant coloured in embarrassment whilst his colleagues shifted uncomfortably from where they stood. "Those were different times when the Jedi were more prominent than they are now." He answered as steadily as his voice would allow. "But during the days of the Empire, we were in the service of your late grandsire, the esteemed Darth Vader."
Clearly, the mention was made in a deliberate attempt to flatter.
"Mm." Kylo Ren carelessly plucked a crystal with the jewelled undertones of a pomegranate then set it down in disinterest. It had been satisfyingly heavy and would have taken Rey a high number of visits to earn that particular one. The colour notwithstanding, it was simply unsuitable.
He passed all others that had any shade of blue to them, finding them far too predictable. Yellow provoked scorn and whilst amethyst was striking, he gave up on that one too. If there was a shade to signify Rey, purple would not have been it.
Then he came across the whites. They were crystallised stars against the velvet; a cold ascetic beauty in which form was intact and not lost in a swirl of colour. He picked up a good-sized piece, judging it about mid-weight and the right size. It would materialise into a blade of pure light, a snow-white ray lit within the darkness of the universe. If she was to kill him one day, it would only be appropriate to give her a weapon as beautiful as this one.
"I'll take it."
"As you wish, Supreme Leader."