Author's Notes: Many thanks to Cliffjumpersfangirl, Marinelife37, and Kittisbat for the reviews and encouragement!

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In Leo's absense, The Daily Buzz had become almost an obsession for me and Fassbinder. The travel logs were mind-numbing, but every now and again, I'd find a gem. Like this one – again with the creepiness. Gay pedophile four-star general with PTSD stays on the property but not in the house with the family of his boy-toy. Where was he? A guest house? Garage? RV? Broken-down car? Tent? Living in a tree? Seriously! And I thought I had issues....

SQUIRREL-SLAUGHTER

You know how sometimes, when you're in the middle of a battle, you just go kind of numb and you don't notice your own pain or even when someone else is dying right next to you? And friends you grew up with could die and you would be oblivious because all you can think about is the enemy in front of you who's trying to blow your head off or crush your throat? I think I experienced the exact inverse of that today. Or maybe I really am turning all squishy like BeeFF and the boy say.

We were driving out to the lake, and this small, brown, furry animal dashed right out in front of me. I tried to dodge it, but the stupid thing ran right into me. I felt its little bones crush under my wheels. Even in that last big fight, I hadn't actually damaged anything organic. I stopped and we looked back, and the poor thing was squealing in pain and thrashing about in its death throes. I've been in some pretty brutal battles, but I've never hurt anything so helpless. When it died, I bawled so hard I made a puddle in the middle of the road.

Am I going crazy?

BeeFF and the boy tried to console me: It was an accident. I'd done everything I could to avoid hitting it. It wasn't like the animal was sentient; it was stupid enough to run into a car's tires. It was just a squirrel. They only live for at most a few years anyway. They're pests in the city.

But it had squealed in pain. It was warm and alive and I killed it.

I don't know why it got to me so much, because the boy and BeeFF were right about everything they said. But...

In that last big fight, I know that Optimust didn't have a choice about who got killed, and it wasn't just squirrels, either, and he's not whining about it to everyone. But he's who he is for a reason. I just...

Am I going crazy?

Comments:

NurseRatched: No, you're not going crazy. It sounds like you and I need to spend a little time talking one-on-one, though.

Optimust: Just because I don't blog about it doesn't mean I don't grieve, too, Camaro. You have endured much and endured it well. So well that we grew complacent. I fear it was unwise to send you off on your own again so soon.

Camaro76: No! I'm where I should to be. And I know you grieve, too, but not panicking and not in public. I'm more than half-tempted to delete this post.

NurseRatched: Wouldn't that defeat part of the purpose of this blog?

Camaro76: Yeah, well, it's embarrassing now that I've had a few hours to think about it. It was just, to borrow the Mrs.' expression, a weird night. I was surprised at how upset I got over it, especially since it's been months now since the last big fight and much longer since the battle BikerChick and I were in together. You don't see her having a meltdown, and she's a femme!

BikerChick: What's that got to do with anything? We grieve in our own way and time. It just took a squirrel to set you off.

NotTheToothFairy: So that's what our friends mean when they say 'going squirrely.'

Camaro76: (to BC) Maybe. It's just...I'm the only one here for the boy, and if my head cracks...

NotTheToothFairy: It won't. You're made of sterner stuff, as they say.

BeeFF: For what it's worth, I cried, too. You've got a good, kind, brave heart, and there's nothing wrong with that.

Optimust: The child is wise for her years, Camaro. Listen to her.

BeeFF: ::feisty:: Who are you calling a child?

Optimust: *chuckle* You.

BeeFF: Well that makes you an old fart.

Camaro76: ::chokes::

BikerChick: *snort*

Optimust: ROFL

NotTheToothFairy: You're lucky we're not on the continent, child, or I'd teach you better manners.

Optimust: ROFL Let her be, NtTF, let her be. ROFL

Camaro76: You really don't doubt me, NtTF?

NotTheToothFairy: Not for a moment. And I'd tell you if I thought you were cracking or going soft.

Camaro76: I know you would.

NurseRatched: I'll happily back NtTF on this one, Camaro.

Camaro76: Thanks. I appreciate that.

BeeFF: Text the boy, if you need to. His parents wouldn't dare say a word about him sneaking out if he was with you. Besides, he's not technically sneaking out if you two stay on the property.

Camaro76: I just might do that. Thanks again, guys.