A/N - Sorry this chapter is a bit late, but I got round to writing eventually. I don't particularly like this chapter, please tell me if it's any good or if it's complete rubbish - thanks. Thank you so much to all of my lovely reviewers! You guys ROCK!!! I don't own Torchwood.

Enjoy!

11th January

What have I gotten myself into?

Ianto, therapy? How? He's always been the calm, collected member of the team. Of course, we all think that we know the 'real' him. I am beginning to think that even I, don't. He has told Owen, I think, about the therapy. Heaven knows why! Owen would be the last person I'd tell. Okay, so I don't 'officially' know that Ianto has told Owen, its just that he keeps making snide remarks, 'not long 'till you get in the chair Ianto', 'Tell someone who's paid to listen don't bother me' – that sort of thing.

I hope he's alright, maybe I should just give him some space for a while. I worry about him. And to think that all this time I've been worrying about how immature he seemed, I just wanted to run up and shake him and tell him to grow up. Make him realise that this is real and that it could be something wonderful – to change our lives forever.

And now I feel awful. Thinking all this time of ways that this could be a fairytale relationship, I think I got lost in the fantasies of how perfect it could be and I somehow missed the realities. I'm such a selfish bastard. I hate myself right now. If Ianto didn't need me to stay strong right now, I would probably do something incredibly stupid.

Stupid? Like what Jack thought. I can't die. All my ramblings from what seems like an age ago, but I can still feel so much.

Jack flicked through the diary but found there was not anything more than a blur of feeling and self pity for the next few pages. He remembered what had happened in the two days following that last diary entry.

Ianto has logged on

Ianto: Hello

Jack: Hi

Ianto: So

Jack: So…

Ianto: I'm going to need Tuesday morning off, if that's alright – my appointment.

Jack: Yeah sure, whatever you need.

Ianto: Thanks, you're so understanding, I just need to fight this battle on my own.

Jack: You don't need to be alone Ianto, let me help you – please.

Ianto: I don't want to drag you down with me.

Jack: I won't get dragged down, I can help you up. Honestly, sometimes I wonder if you even care about me at all, you keep ignoring me and insisting to be left alone.

Ianto: Yes well…

Jack: Why can't you see that I'm trying to help?

Ianto: I do Jack but I'm so messed up right now, I need my space.

Jack: Sometimes I wish you would grow up Ianto, see reality and if you keep going against it, you will end up nowhere. Please, just let me help you, I'm dieing here without you. I Love you – can't you see that?

Ianto: I know Jack and I feel bad for hurting you but I need to win this on my own.

Ianto has logged off

Jack had felt awful about those conversations, as they had occurred almost every evening, he still did in fact. They were nearly always about different things, trivial things, that shouldn't matter. Often, at night, he thought back to them and wished that he and Ianto could have a proper conversation, face to face, without getting angry and having an argument.

In all fairness, it was mainly Jack who started these arguments as Ianto rarely got angry. He mostly got upset and ended up apologising far too much.

Then, on the 14th, Jacks diary proved an interesting read.

14th January

He read it! He's read my diary! He knows all of the things I feel. Why? Why did I leave it on his desk for him to read? I suppose a small part of me wanted him to feel guilty but I should never have let him read it. Now he wants to read more, whenever I write a new entry! He says it helps him understand my feelings. I'm okay with that – I just wish he would share what he is thinking with me sometime you know? Yes Ianto, I know you're going to read this eventually, please tell me how you feel, write a diary, letter, blog, podcast – anything, please. You don't think I don't need to know too?

You should have seen it, after he read what I'd written, all this deep personal stuff. (Okay so I let him read it)He wrote this massive email about how he was so sorry he hurt me. It was nice to start with – you know, he cares about me and all that but he apologised, like, twenty times and after a while it was like, 'Stop being sorry, yeah some of it's your fault but get over it'.

Maybe that's too harsh. I'm sorry Ianto but a part of me is so angry that you left. I feel as if there are two parts of me – my 'rational' side, which is the best part, and my selfish side, which is what takes over when I get angry. I know there's no excuse but I think there will always be a part of me that wants what's best for me, regardless of my surroundings.

I thought of something today Ianto. Long ago, back when we were still together, I remember you used to say that we should invite Gwen to spend the night shift with us. You said it would be a test of how much self control we had. It would be fun, you said. We never did though, I didn't want to, why waste what precious time we had together?

I though of an answer today. Did you not like me Ianto? Was it an excuse to keep away from me? If you didn't want to spend time with me you should have said. I wouldn't have forced you to do anything. I Love you.

Though, I suppose, none of that matters anymore.

From that moment on, Jacks secret diary became a way to tell Ianto how he felt. An expression of feeling and desire.

Each time Ianto read, a conversation would happen. Never face to face. Always via email, or text, it seemed less personal, easier to talk although Jack wished every second he could see Ianto's beautiful face, see him again for real, not the public portrayal, not the lie that Ianto Jones was fast becoming.

It was so hard, for both of them. Loves lost, separating all the time.

A/N - This is turning out so depressing! I had no idea it was going to be like this when i started. Oh well - as long as you guys are enjoying it! Please please please review!!!