Lawndale 2021
SDCU-0001-AAAA
Episode 032 [3-04]: Monster
Daria and Beavis and Butthead are property of Glenn Eichler, Mike Judge, and MTV.
Sealab 2021 is property of Williams Street Productions, LLC.
Opening Theme:
Excuse Me, Excuse Me…
I guess I'll have to be direct
If you're gonna' stand on my neck
Then you'd better check under the sea
Cause that is where you'll find me
Underneath the Sealab!
Underneath the water
Sealab!
At the bottom of the Sea!
Sunday, April 8th, 2022
It had happened without warning. A mysterious and unseen entity had managed to enter Sealab early Saturday. At first, no one noticed the handful of crew members who had gone missing, but as the body count began to rise, people started to take notice. It was only after Trent Lane's corpse had been found that people realized there was something strange going on.
And then, the monster made its appearance when it crashed through the ceiling of the cafeteria in Pod 01 Sunday morning. Since then, the crew had been put on high alert, and all authorized personnel had been given weapons to defend themselves. Commander Li had formed two groups of security personnel to go after the monster, with Lieutenant Sasha Winters leading one group and Li herself leading the other one.
"I don't know, Zorak. I don't think my parents want me drinkin' beer." "That's why we're doin' it!" "Oh, okay!" "Ha!" Captain Murphy exclaimed as he watched Zorak proceed to tear up someone's lawn. "Good ole Zorak. The king of assholes," Murphy said with a smile.
"That's odd. I thought that Gendo Ikari was the king of assholes," Commander Jodene Sparks said. "No, he's the king of bastards," Lieutenant Amy Barksdale said. "Who's Gendo Ikari?" Murphy asked. "Never mind," Amy replied. "Um, guys, we still have a situation on our hands!" Commander DeMartino yelled as he entered the bridge.
"A situation? What is it?" Murphy asked. "A situation is a set of circumstances in which one finds themselves, but that's not important right now," Commander DeMartino replied. "No, I meant what situation are we in?" Murphy clarified. "There's a monster running loose in Sealab, killing our crew," Sparks said. "Oh. Oh yeah, that," Murphy said, disinterested. "Captain! The monster has entered Pod Twenty! Oh my god! No, stay away! Stay awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaacck!" a random crew member cried out on a console.
"Uh... what did he say?" Murphy asked. "He said that the monster is in Pod Twenty," Amy said. "Eh, I never cared much for those guys," Murphy said. "But... Captain! Pod Twenty is, uh, where all of the PIZZA is stored!" DeMartino lied. "Say WHAT?!" Murphy exclaimed.
Murphy grabbed a microphone. "Attention security teams. The monster has entered Pod Twenty! I say again, the monster has entered Pod Twenty! Use extreme prejudice and protect those pizzas at all cost! Thank you," Murphy said into the microphone. "Do you think they heard that?" Murphy asked. Sparks shrugged his shoulders.
Line Break
"Okay," Sasha said, "I want two fire teams moving through here, six guys each. Watch your backs and avoid friendly fire. Remember to use your infrared visors!" Sasha flipped a power scanner visor over her eyes and moved forward, keeping her M16 at the ready. Sergeant Lisker kept his shotgun aimed forward, and Ensign Lynch made sure that his Noisy Cricket was pointed at the floor with the safeties on.
Ensign Kenny stood by the first door with his shotgun ready, and the group moved into the corridor in a defensive formation before breaking off into two teams. "Okay, Blue Team, move forward. Red Team will take the left corridor entrance and perform a thorough sweep of this part of the level," Sasha Winters said.
"Okay, Tommy Sherman will lead Silver Team through this corridor, while I lead Gold Team through the window corridors," Commander Angela Li said. Her officers nodded their heads in agreement before splitting up.
As both teams moved throughout the corridors, they continually checked their motion trackers. "Movement!" Sergeant Calhoun said. "Where?" Ensign Ricky asked. "Five meters ahead of us!" Calhoun replied. "Take up defensive positions," Tommy Sherman ordered as he aimed his M41A1 Pulse Rifle.
The team halted and aimed their weapons at the junction ahead of them, waiting for the monster to show itself. Instead, they saw Old Gus walking into their view. "False alarm, it's just Old Gus," Ensign Kuramoto said as Old Gus walked past them.
"This is Tommy Sherman. The team has had a false alarm. It was just Old Gus," Tommy Sherman said through the team's helmets. "Aw man, I thought that-" Ensign Kenny was interrupted when someone screamed through the helmets. "Aaahh! It's here! It's here!" Sergeant Calhoun screamed.
Line Break
"Sarge, no!" Ensign Ricky cried out as The Monster ripped Sergeant Calhoun's head from his body. Tommy Sherman opened fire and The Monster threw Calhoun's body at him, knocking him over. "Die! Die!" Ensign Ricky cried out as he fired at the monster. Green blood splashed to the floor before The Monster attacked him.
"Nooooooooooo!" Ensign Carter screamed as she watched The Monster kill Ensign Ricky. Ensign Kuramoto fired his shotgun at The Monster, which threw a spear at him, skewering him and sending him flying back until he slammed into a wall. The Monster used its wrist blades to hoist Ensign Carter into the air. "Aaaaaacck!"
"Tabitha, no!" Tommy Sherman cried out as he pushed Calhoun's body off of him and stood up. Ensign Marshall fired his shotgun at The Monster, causing it to produce sparks near its shoulder. The invisibility wore off and The Monster's full form could be seen.
"You're one cool-looking motherfucker!" Ensign Marshall said before firing again as The Monster rushed at him. "No! Fight Tommy Sherman instead!" Tommy Sherman yelled, just as The Monster ripped Marshall in half. "Come on! Tommy Sherman is ready, are you!?" Tommy Sherman shouted as he rushed at The Monster.
Line Break
"Holy crap, what's happening in there?" Amy asked. "Lieutenant Winters, this is Commander Sparks. What's the situation?" Sparks asked. "Lieutenant Sherman and Silver team are dead. Commander Li and Gold Team have reported that they are moving to intercept the target. Red and Blue teams are moving in to provide backup, Winters reported over the headset.
"Hey, ask her if the pizzas are safe," Murphy requested. "What?" Sparks asked him. "The pizzas! Ask her about the pizzas!" Murphy reiterated. "We'll ask her after they've taken care of the monster," Sparks said. "If they can take care of it," Sparks added.
"Well, they'd better, or their corpses are gonna be in a lot of trouble!" Murphy quipped.
Line Break
In the Blue Ridge Mountain range of Pennsylvania, a man sat in a chair, looking at birds while he held a shotgun in his lap. He smiled at the birds and other critters in the forest, until a troubling thought occurred to him; one that made his very soul tremble. "Oh my god! This is a non-sequitur!" he exclaimed. He then grabbed his shotgun, placed the barrel in his mouth, and blew his brains out.
Line Break
"This is Sergeant Jessica Bradley. Red Team is moving into position," Sergeant Bradley said through her helmet. "This is Commander Li. Red and Blue teams maintain a formation around this section and then prepare to-look out!" Angela cried out over the speakers.
"They're under attack!" Bradley cried out as she led Red Team over to Gold Team's position. "This is Sergeant Bradley; Red Team is converging on Gold Team's position. How long until Blue Team arrives?" she asked. "This is Lieutenant Winters. Blue Team should arrive in three minutes," Winters replied.
"Come on, guys!" Jessica yelled. "Long tall Sally! She built for speed! She got everything... that Uncle John needs! I'm gonna have me some fun, baby!" Jessica sang as she ran forward, the rest of Red Team hot on her heels.
"Fire! Shoot it! Shoot it!" Angela cried out over the radio. Gunfire echoed throughout the halls. "Ensign Weathers, no!" Li cried. Jessica Bradley picked up the pace as she neared Gold Team's position. She could hear two echoing shotgun blasts before everything went quiet.
"I'm gonna have me some fun! I'm gonna have me some-oh," Jessica said as she came to a halt at the junction where Gold Team had been attacked. Two members of Gold Team had been strung up to the ceiling, while the other four were lying on the ground or slumped against the wall.
"Um... I think we missed the party," Jessica said as the rest of Red Team caught up to her. "Oh no, we too late!" Ensign Kenny exclaimed. "It looks like a slaughterhouse," Ensign Parson commented. "It couldn't have gotten far," Kenny said.
"I've got movement!" Ensign Hodges announced. "Where, man?" Ensign Kenny asked. "It's right behind you!" Hodges exclaimed as a wrist blade speared Kenny and lifted him into the air. "Oh my god, it killed Kenny!" Hodges exclaimed. "You bastard!" Bradley cried.
Line Break
"Man, those guys are getting their asses kicked," Murphy commented. "Shut up," Amy said with a frown. "I'll say whatever I want," Murphy muttered under his breath. "Hodges, look out!" "I've already seen this one. Can we watch something different?" Murphy asked. Everyone turned to look at him.
"This is Blue Team, we've just arrived at the-Bradley, look out!" Gunfire echoed through the speakers. Just then, Dr. Quinn entered the bridge. "Hey, guys, I just got back from seeing Captain Shanks," Dr. Quinn said. "Why were you, uh, visiting him?" Murphy asked.
"He's the only person to have survived an encounter with the monster," Dr. Quinn replied. "Oh, and what did he say?" Murphy asked him. "He said that we might stand a chance if we change Sealab's atmospheric conditions, for a short period. Get me on the line with Engineering," Dr. Quinn said.
"Wait, Lieutenant Winters is dealing with the-" "You bastard! You've stabbed me. Now, I'm going to die! But, if I'm going down, then at least I'll die knowing that I've taken you with me! EAT GRENADE, MOTHERFUCKER!" Winters yelled out over the radio as she pulled the pin of a grenade. A loud explosion roared over the speakers of the console. "Never mind. They're all dead," Sparks said.
"Do you think she got it?" Amy asked. "I don't know," Sparks said as he accessed some security feed of the area. "Um... I don't see much of anything," Sparks commented. "Was it safe for that area's structural integrity?" Amy asked. "No idea," Sparks replied.
"So, if the monster is dead, then I guess we don't need to hear your plan. Sorry, Quinn. Your time to shine will have to wait another day," Sparks said. Soon, one of the consoles came to life. "Hey, this is Venkman. I heard a loud noise in this sector? What's going oh my god! No, stay away from me! Aaaaaaaaaaacckk! Venkman cried as The Monster killed him.
"You were saying?" Dr. Quinn asked Sparks. "Uh... what's your plan?" Sparks asked him nervously. "Like I said, change the atmospheric conditions of Sealab. Just temporarily, and the monster might not survive," Dr. Quinn exposited. "Uh-huh. Will that affect our pizza supplies?" Captain Murphy asked him.
"What? Captain, this is no time to be thinking about pizza," Dr. Quinn admonished him. "So, anyway, patch me through to engineering," Dr. Quinn said. Sparks immediately contacted the reactor room. "This is Lieutenant Junior Grade Ruttheimer!" Upchuck replied. "Upchuck, where's Hesh?" Dr. Quinn asked him.
"He-he's DEAD! He went out to fight the monster after it killed Archie! Oh god, it ripped out his spine!" Upchuck cried. "Did you record it?" Murphy asked him. "W-What?" Upchuck replied in confusion. "Never mind that! Ruttheimer, we need you to go over to the atmospheric controls and change them according to my specifications! It might be the only way to stop the monster!" Dr. Quinn said.
"O-Of course! Okay, what do I need to do?" "Reduce oxygen levels by fifty percent and increase the helium levels," Dr. Quinn said. "Wait, what if that kills us?" Upchuck asked. "It'll only be temporary. Once the monster is dead, we can return the levels to normal," Dr. Quinn replied.
"Hey, I just noticed something," Murphy said. "What?" Amy asked him. "Where's Daria? Shouldn't she be here at her post?" he asked. "Um, she has the day off," Sparks said. "Oh, well good for her," Murphy said.
Line Break
Meanwhile, Upchuck was busy following Dr. Quinn's instructions. "Okay! Now what?" he asked, his voice now sounding very high-pitched. "Oh my god! Your voice!" Amy said with a laugh. "Oh my-my voice!" she then laughed. "Dude, I sound like a fucking chipmunk!" Sparks exclaimed. "Oh yeah!? Well, holy crap listen to my voice!" Murphy exclaimed before doubling over in laughter.
Line Break
In the reactor room, Upchuck felt an invisible pressure on his shoulder, before he was yanked away from the control panel. "Help meeeaaaaaacck!" he cried out in horror. "Hey, Ruttheimer, are you there? Hello? Ruttheimer?" Quinn asked over the communications console. The monster then reset the atmospheric conditions of Sealab.
Line Break
"Okay, so that didn't work, and now Ruttheimer is dead," Sparks said. "Try contacting Dr. Virjay in the Infirmary," Dr. Quinn said. "Sure," Sparks replied. "Oh, look at that. The whole area is covered in blood, and look, there's Dr. Virjay's head, stuck on a bed post," Sparks said flatly.
"Well isn't that lovely?" Amy said sarcastically. "Hey, this is Lieutenant Commander Barch. I'm in the moon pool with Skinny here. We're gonna go outside and manually seal off sections of Sealab in a plan to trap the monster," Janet Barch said over a console.
"Good idea. That should buy us some time," Dr. Quinn said. "Janet, I can't concentrate with you touching my leg," Mr. O'Neill whined. "I'm not touching your-oh my god, it's here!" Barch cried out before the screen was splashed with blood. "Aaahhh! Skinny, No!" Barch cried out before the screen switched to static. "Is there anyplace that this monster ISN'T!?" Sparks exclaimed in anger.
Line Break
"Oh, harder, harder!" Daria cried out as Tom [Censored] her [Censored]. Jane cried out in ecstasy as Daria [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] [Censored]. All three of them felt as though their bodies were on fire, even though the room was properly air-conditioned. "Oh, god [Censored] there!" Daria cried out as Jane bent over and [Censored] her [Censored] vigorously. [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] [Censored]. Daria looked up and [Censored] Jane's [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] furiously.
[The following paragraph has been censored entirely due to graphic sexual content. The next paragraph after it... not quite so much.]
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"More, more!" Jane cried out as Tom [Censored] while Daria [Censored]. Tom [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] as Jane [Censored] [Censored] [Censored]. Daria licked the [Censored] [Censored] off her face as Tom [Censored] [Censored] from Jane. Daria pushed Tom on his back as she [Censored] [Censored] while Jane [Censored] [Censored] one last time. [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] [Censored] [Censored].
Daria squeezed her eyes shut as one final [Censored] [Censored] rippled through all three of them. All three lovers collapsed from exhaustion and pleasure onto the soaked bedding. Then a hell-beast ate them.
Line Break
"Dammit, we're running out of options!" Amy exclaimed. Just then, Marco entered the bridge. "Marco, you're alive!" Amy cried out happily. "Alright, where's that bastard monster!? I'm gonna rip out its spine and shove it down its throat!" Marco said as he cracked his knuckles.
"Good plan, but how do you expect to get close enough to the monster to do that?" Amy asked him skeptically. "I'll find a way," Marco replied before he exited the bridge. He made his way over to a transport cart and sped onward, entering Pod 04 before The Monster attacked him.
"Come on, amigo! Fight me like a man! I'll tear you apart!" Marco roared. "I have the strength of a man that has the strength of ten men... plus a grizzly bear/gorilla hybrid!" The Monster lunged at Marco, who dodged the attack and performed a spinning kick at The Monster's back, sending it sprawling to the floor.
"Yeah! Take that!" Marco spat before The Monster got back up and retaliated. Marco ducked and performed an uppercut into The Monster's torso before it finally spun around and pushed him away. The Monster and Marco then lunged at each, wrestling for supremacy.
The two opponents were locked in a deadly embrace like lovers, except that they were trying to kill each other. "Ha-ha! Feel the strength of my fists around your neck!" Marco exclaimed, grabbing The Monster's throat, leaving its arms and hands free. Marco's eyes widened as he felt the consequences of his mistake. "I... did not think that through," he said in his dying breaths.
Line Break
"Great, now the damn thing has wheels!" Murphy growled as they saw The Monster driving the stolen cart through the halls of Sealab. "Wait a minute, I think I have a plan that just might work, well make that two plans," Dr. Quinn said as he left the bridge. "Is he gonna come back alive? I need someone to tell me about those pizzas dammit!" Murphy exclaimed. "The pizzas are fine, Captain," Sparks said. "Oh. Good," Murphy said.
At that moment, the bridge door opened and Commander DeMartino entered the bridge. "Commander, when did you leave the bridge?" Amy asked him. "I had to use the bathroom a little while back. So, did Lieutenant Winters kill the monster?" he replied. "No. The security team is dead. They're all dead," Amy replied somberly.
Line Break
"What do you need us for again?" Elsie Sloane asked Dr. Quinn as he drove her and Dolphin Boy over to Pod One. "Oh, just a chance to save some lives," Dr. Quinn replied. "Chirp chirp!" Dolphin Boy chirped. "That's right! You're gonna help me defeat the monster," Dr. Quinn replied with a sly smile on his face.
"Now, let's just make our way over to the reactor room. I have a nice life jacket for you, Dolphin Boy," Dr. Quinn said. Eventually, as they entered Engineering, making their way past several mutilated corpses and blood-sprayed hallways, they entered the reactor room.
"Charles!" Elsie cried out as she saw Upchuck's corpse. "Yikes," Dr. Quinn said as he looked at the dead body. He then opened a suitcase he had with him and pulled out a life jacket... made out of seasoned meat. "Here ya go," He said as he placed the life jacket on Dolphin Boy. "Come on, Elsie, we're going to... make sure that the area is safe while Dolphin Boy hides in here," Dr. Quinn said. He and a grieving Elsie left the reactor room, leaving Dolphin Boy all alone.
Line Break
"Okay, now, using Dolphin Boy as bait, the monster will enter the reactor room," Dr. Quinn explained. "Then, we remotely lower the coolant levels, causing a brief overload until the fail-safes kick in. That should be enough to give the monster a lethal dose of radiation," he finished. "Uh-huh. But, uh, what about Butter Chubs there?" Murphy asked, referring to Dolphin Boy. "Who cares?" Dr. Quinn replied.
"Right," Murphy said with a smile. "Oh, I also have ear plugs for everyone, just in case we have to use my other plan," Dr. Quinn said as he held out a box of ear plugs. Everyone grabbed a pair before settling in to watch the plan unfold.
Line Break
The Monster walked into the reactor room, seeing the small and chubby boy in a yellow uniform with a vest of meat. Dolphin Boy looked up at The Monster and made dolphin noises. "[Are you going to eat me?]" he asked The Monster. "[Well, not so much eat you as just kill you and take your skull or something as a trophy. It's kind of what I do]," The Monster replied.
"[Why?]" Dolphin Boy asked The Monster. "[Hmm... you know, no one's ever really asked me that before. All anyone ever does is scream at me. It's really annoying, so I just kill them]," The Monster replied. "[No one likes me either]," Dolphin Boy said sadly. "[Why's that?]" The Monster asked him.
"[It's because... I'm fat]," Dolphin Boy replied. "[You're not fat. You're... uh, husky. Yeah, that's it]," The Monster replied. "[Would you like... to be my friend?]" The Monster asked Dolphin Boy. "[Sure]," Dolphin Boy replied. "[So, tell me why else these horrible people despise you]," The Monster said. "[I also hide the remote controls to their TV's, insult people, make weird noises, pee on Captain Murphy's bed, and eat other people's lunches even when they have their names marked on the bag or box]," Dolphin Boy said.
"[Did you say... you eat other people's marked lunches? You MONSTER!]" The Monster roared in outrage before extending its wrist blades and brutally killing Dolphin Boy. The Monster decapitated the little bastard before throwing the headless body at the wall and stalking away silently. "[What an asshole]," The Monster muttered after entering a secluded hallway.
Line Break
"Uh... well, I don't suppose you have a plan that won't get another person killed, do you?" Amy asked Dr. Quinn. "Um... well, hopefully the monster understands English, because I've got only one plan left," Dr. Quinn replied nervously as he looked over at Elsie. "Wait, why are you... oh, you rotten bastard," Elsie said as she realized what Dr. Quinn's newest plan would be. "Come on, your voice is the only option left," Dr. Quinn said.
"If this fails and I die, I will come back to life just long enough to kill you," Elsie threatened. "Don't worry. You won't die," Dr. Quinn said reassuringly. "Of course not, considering how well your last two plans have been executed," Elsie retorted. "Now Elsie, all you have to do is find the monster, take off your voice modulator, and speak to it. That's all," Dr. Quinn explained.
Elsie sighed. "Fine. I'll do it. But in return... you owe me a favor," she said. "Name it," Dr. Quinn replied. "Not just yet. I'll tell you when I need it," Elsie said with a smirk. "Sounds good to me," Dr. Quinn said.
"Hey, I just realized something," Commander DeMartino said. "Yeah?" Dr. Quinn asked him. "I haven't seen or heard from White Debbie at all since Friday," DeMartino said. "Oh, she's up topside right now, visiting her parents," Dr. Quinn said. When he turned around, Elsie had already left the bridge.
Line Break
Elsie Sloane walked silently through the empty halls and corridors of Sealab. Eventually, she saw a shimmer in the air. She had found her target. "Halt, trespasser," she commanded. The Monster stopped moving and turned to look at her. The two opponents then engaged in a staring contest. When they could take the strain no longer, Elsie held up both hands, balled into fists with only her middle fingers showing.
Elsie then reached up and slowly removed her voice modulator. The Monster disengaged its cloaking system and began to remove its own mask. Elsie then dropped her voice modulator onto the floor, smiling at The Monster. "Hello. I am Elsie Sloane," she said. The Monster paused its actions, before it soon began convulsing with violent tremors throughout its body. It then violently spasmed on the floor, squealing and screaming, before it exploded in a shower of green blood and guts.
"Why didn't anybody ask me to do this in the first place?" Elsie asked herself before she reattached her voice modulator. She then quietly made her way back to the bridge, where she found herself being congratulated by the surviving crew members. "Elsie Sloane, you have our gratitude," Commander DeMartino said with a nod of his head. "Thank you. Now, may I please return home and continue my Rick and Morty marathon?" Elsie asked them.
"Was that the favor you wanted?" Dr. Quinn asked her. "No. As I said, I will tell you when I need it. Have a nice day... incompetent cyborg," Elsie said before leaving the bridge. "So... how do we explain everything to Debbie when she gets back?" Amy asked Dr. Quinn. "Um... very carefully," he replied. "Very carefully." "Well, I'm hungry. Who's up for pizza?" Captain Murphy asked. Everyone stared at him. "What?"
Ending Theme: Long Tall Sally, by Little Richard.
That was the fourth episode of Lawndale 2021 Season 03. The next episode of Lawndale 2021 features Jane in a prominent role... sort of.