CHAPTER 4

"Just do it.'

"I don't want to hurt you worse," Caitlin objected, "there's got to be another way."

"We don't have time. The excuse that you wanted to go outside for some fresh air isn't going to work long when they realize it's freezing outside, not to mention you shouldn't be out of bed."

"Sorry, I couldn't think of anything and you were only half conscious."

"Well I'm plenty conscious now."

"I know and I'm sorry to put you though this."

"Just shove me up there."

"I-"

"Cailtin." He regarded her with a mixture of pain and determination in his icy blue stare, but the determination won out. "I'll be fine. You have to do it now though."

Hesitantly she stepped forward, trying to find the most comfortable way of doing this she could for both of them and pushed him into the back of the Jet Ranger with all her might."

"A little more… I'm in."

The words came as a great relief to her, and an even greater one to him, she knew as she fastened the harness around him.

"Pick your poison. You can have more of the painkillers they were giving you at the hospital or I can break out the heavy duty stuff."

"Nothing for now."

"String, you don't have to put on a show for me. I read your medical charts, I know how badly it has to hurt."

"Truthfully, I don't think you begin to understand how much, but they already gave me something to make me sleep so it won't take much to put me for quite a while and I still have to get out of this bird."

"We'll have a little more time though, not such a rush."

"Sometimes I think it's better to just get it over with; I'm thinking this is one of those times."

\A/

Several Hours Later

Milo's Clinic

"Boy have you done it this time," Milo commented once Hawke had settled in.

"I know. I managed to get out of a whole war better than this; the worst part is I don't remember any of it."

"Ah, what'd I tell ya 'bout all that drinkin'?" Milo teased. "Will get ya nowhere, nowhere at all."

I'd say I wasn't drinking, but I can't remember," he played along.

"Probably for the best with a busted up leg like yours though."

"What's the prognosis, doc?"

"Not great," Milo answered, suddenly serious.

"How bad? I can take it."

"Some second degree burns, compound fracture in your left leg and a hairline in your wrist."

"Oh, is that all?" he asked sarcastically.

"I didn't mention the shrapnel wounds, but they took care of the stitches at the other place."

"I'll get straight to the important question then."

"When can I fly again?" Milo guessed. "That always was the question with you. Good to see some things never change."

"You guessed it. I've got a search party to mount, and that's much easier from the air."

"Who this time?"

"I've got a crash site to find, a whole family actually."

"You're not going to like this then. It'll be weeks before you're fit to fly again. I'll do all I can to speed your recovery, but I'd send you're girlfriend here after them or something cause you ain't going nowhere for quite some time."

"Milo, I have to. This is Dom and my brother we're talking about. My nephew too, nobody knows where they are, nobody to help them."

"Sorry to tell you this, buddy, but if they're in any condition like yours and no one's found them yet, I doubt you're going to find them alive."

"I have to find out what happened to them, you know what the not knowing does."

"I remember what you were like over there, and I don't want to see you like that again, but I can't do anything else now."

\A/

One Week Later…

"A walking cast at least," he pleaded.

"But if you got that much freedom to walk, who knows where you would walk to."

"I'm tired of being stuck in an uncomfortable hospital bed. I need to get out and get some air; a change of scenery wouldn't hurt either."

"I'm sorry you don't find my clinic very appealing, but unless you want to go right back where you came from, you're going to stay put."

"Milo." The single word was a heartfelt plea, enough that he almost gave in.

"Nope. I'm sure Miss Caitlin would be willing to wheel you outside if you ask real nice like."

"My leg is almost healed, you said so yourself," Hawke argued.

"Do you remember that time in 'Nam you went after your brother and was barely able to bring the copter back because both you and it were so shot up?"

"That happened a couple times."

"No, I mean the time it was really bad, right after you found out he was missing."

"Yeah, I remember."

"Do you also remember how long it tool to patch you up, how worried I was you wouldn't get over it?"

"Vaguely. Admittedly, I was pretty out of it though."

"I said I was going to do my best to make sure it never happened again. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to keep it from happening, but I sure as heck can keep you from making the same stupid mistakes you made then. You've been through a lot, and you're just going to have to accept it takes time to heal."

Hawke settled back against the pillows in defeat. Milo was right. He knew it, he just didn't want to accept it. It looked like he had no choice though.

"Can I talk to Cait for a while then?"

"Sure, just not too long. I don't want you planning any more escape attempts.."

Cait entered the room only a minute after Milo had left.

"I take it you're feeling better," she quipped.

"Sort of," he answered, immediately changing the subject. "Have you been able to find out anything?"

"By the time someone reported the wreckage and the police arrived everyone was gone, although no one seems to know where. Nobody knows if any of the others are still alive of how badly they are injured if they are. Police are still looking for Le, but nothing has turned up yet, that's all I know."

"Have you gotten a hold of Michael? He could probably step up the search process."

"I've tried. I was planning on going out there as soon as you're better and demanding to see him."

"You could go ahead now. I'm not going anywhere for a while."

"Do you remember where this place is? Even by helicopter it would take at least three hours to get there and another three to got back."

"Take the night off then. Milo will take care of me, and you could use the rest."

"I'm not sure flying three hours each way qualifies as rest, but I appreciate the offer. If it's all the same to you, I'll stay here. I don't want to get back and find you disappeared too. Besides, I already see the wheels turning in that head of yours, and this time I'm not going to help you escape."

"I need to know what happened."

"I know you want to know, I do too, but killing yourself to find out isn't going to help anyone."

"I keep thinking I should remember something - what they might have said or done, where they might have been going or why, anything… I just don't know. I hate all of this."

"I can offer to try to help, but truthfully I don't know anything more than you do. What do you remember, what happened before hand, and what's happened since?"

"The three of us - Dom, Saint John, and I - were getting in the Jet Ranger. I was flying, Saint John behind me, and Dom in the co-pilot seat. We were going…" he stopped abruptly, raking a hand in frustration through a nap of hair. "I don't know, just can't remember."

"It's alright, it's alright," Caitlin coaxed. "What's the next thing you recall?"

"That's the thing, I don't. Next, I wake up in the hospital to find my whole family could very likely be dead, and I nearly got killed myself. The rest if just a big blank."

"It might still come back though."

"But it might not. I might never know."

"Hawke, stop. It's not your fault just because you don't remember and can't change the past. It could have happened to anyone."

"But you don't know it wasn't my fault. I could have made a mistake; I might not have been paying attention. It could have happened to anyone, but it didn't. It happened to me. If they are dead it's my fault because I was the one flying."