Jax sat against the headboard writing in his journal. He had so many questions swirling around in his head, and he wasn't sure that he wanted the answers to any of them. He felt trapped in a life that he no longer wanted but was unable to leave. Jax felt as if people were waiting for him to fail. He couldn't tell if that was his paranoia or survival instinct. Either way Jax felt hemmed in.
There were so many forces against him CIA, IRA, Niners, and now one of the biggest underworld figures in Oaktown. The last two problems were courtesy of Tig acting out of turn. But in truth Jax shouldered some of the blame. His complicity with Clay's lies after the shooting lit Tig's fuse. But the end result was still the same, and, worse yet, he had two men sitting at his table that he did not trust: Clay and Tig.
Tig was Clay's henchman he had no reason to believe that it would change just because he was in power. And it made Gemma's words earlier in the evening ring in his head. "Clay will kill you if given the chance. Don't be foolish like your father and underestimate the monster that Clay really is. He's fighting for his life baby…he's fighting for his life."
Truer words had never been spoken. Jax knew that he was working on borrowed time where Clay was concerned. The more the older man recovered, the more power he would be able to wield. Unfortunately, the Irish were not the only people that had their doubts about Jax's leadership skills. Clay was a proven leader. And Jax... was not. In fact he had proven himself to be a hot head in many a situation.
Only the people that knew Jax the best could understand that those moments of explosions where due to extreme stress and pressure. From the outside it appeared that he was a young man that was unable to handle the mantel of a leader.
Tara walked into the room and glanced at Jax. She hated to see the way the club was twisting him up inside. "You've been writing all night. Are you going to tell me what is going on?"
Jax had taken to writing more frequently now that he was president of SAMCRO. She knew that he used it for his escape. But the disappearing into his own head scared her. She flexed her fingers tiredly and looked down at her hand. The bones in her hand were finally healed. Now she was doing physical therapy in hopes that she would regain her fine motor skills. For now she worked in a nearby clinic as a pediatrician. It wasn't what she planned for her life but it gave her some satisfaction.
"I stopped by Gemma's house tonight before I came home. We talked," said Jax. He closed the journal and slipped it into the nightstand. Jax ran a hand over his head and groaned tiredly.
Tara let out an involuntary groan. "What happened? Did the two of you get into an argument?"
She had struggled with the decision of telling him about Gemma's possible involvement in John's death. At the time Tara didn't know if it would help or hurt the man she loved. But at the end of the day she didn't want any more secrets between them. They'd never survive if they couldn't be honest. And now that they would be stuck in Charming for the foreseeable future Tara wanted him to know just who he was dealing with. So she'd explained the details of the letters Gemma pilfered from the set.
"The opposite actually…she said that she's done," said Jax. The words felt foreign coming out of his mouth. They had felt foreign going into his ears that day. He'd spent the last couple of hours trying to work their meaning out in his head. And yet they still didn't make sense.
"I don't understand, Jax. What do you mean?" asked Tara. She walked over to the bed and had a seat next to Jax. She could see whatever Gemma said was having a profound effect on him.
"I don't really understand it either. She's done with everything. Maybe me too…" Jax trailed off as those words sank into his brain.
Tara's eyes widened in disbelief. "You can't be serious. This is just some play that Gemma is setting up to bend you to her whims. She is a world class manipulator. This is what she does. You aren't falling into line with what she wants. You aren't ready to forgive her for being complicit in J.T.'s death so she is trying to emotionally blackmail you," said Tara. She could feel heat rising up her neck. Tara was furious that Gemma would pull this type of crap knowing that Jax was trying to adjust to being a leader.
"I don't think so, Tara. She is divorcing Clay, selling her house, selling her half of the garage, and may move out to Stockton. She's cashing out, baby," said Jax.
He tossed the now rolled up folder containing the appraisal for the garage. "She had the garage appraised."
Tara looked into Jax's eyes and saw the shock and pain there. She leaned her forehead against his and just sat there quietly. As angry as Jax was Tara was under no illusions. He loved his mother and this was going to tear him apart.
"Is she cutting you out of her life?" asked Tara. She struggled to accept that notion. The woman had an unnatural attachment to Jax.
He shook his head. "I don't really know. I guess I was too afraid to ask her tonight. Honestly, I didn't really want to know the answer. Gemma was different than I've ever seen her before. I don't know how to explain it. She says that she loves me. But the way she spoke tonight…it really sounded like a goodbye. Like she was ready to say goodbye to everything: Clay, the club, the garage, Charming, and me. All she asked before I left was that I watch out for Clay. I don't know what to do, babe. I've never seen her like that. She wasn't angry…she just seemed resolved."
Tara's eyes fluttered closed wondering if she'd made the wrong decision. Had she set these wheels in motion by telling Jax the truth? "If there is one thing I have learned about Gemma it is that she loves you far too much to ever walk away from you, Jax. I just don't believe that. You're her baby. She once told me that her purpose in life was to be a fierce mother. You don't just walk away from the job."
"I used to believe that, too. I used to believe a lot of things but all of them turned out to be complete bullshit. I know that she loves me. But that doesn't mean she won't shut me out of her life. She went years without talking to my grandmother, Rose. She can hold a grudge like no one else I know. She says that she isn't mad at me but I know how much me shutting her out has hurt her."
He heaved a sigh and closed his eyes momentarily.
Tara sat there watching the stress wash over his features. She struggled to think of words that would comfort him. But in the end they all turned out to just be words. Hollow ones at that. Tara didn't understand the dynamics of a relationship with a mother. Her own mother had died much too early in her life. But in her brain she just couldn't reconcile Gemma's attachment to Jax being healthy or normal. However, she couldn't accept the idea that the woman would cut her own son out of her life.
Jax decided to break the deafening silence in the room. "Opie and I are going to take a weekend trip up to Reno. My mother might be manipulative but she does have a few good ideas. I need more bodies at the table and she suggested a childhood friend, Jason Brennan. He used to do the books for the Reno chapter and ran numbers for their sports book before he went to prison. I ran it by Ope after leaving her place and he suggested making a trip up there to talk to Jason and his younger brother Rusty. Neither of them are holding officers' positions in Reno. So, I doubt the brothers would have a problem with voting to let them go."
"Jason? I think I have heard you mention him before. He is your Uncle Jury's son, right?" asked Tara.
"Yeah, but Jury is only my uncle in name. He served with my dad in the Vietnam War. They were best friends after that. Me and Ope grew up spending time with his kids, Jason and Rusty. It wouldn't be bad getting in some guys that we both trust. The best part is that I know Rusty doesn't have any kids. He shouldn't have anything holding his move back. Jason on the other hand has a kid. I don't know if he'd be up for moving him."
"Is he married?" asked Tara curiously.
Jax shook his head. "Nah, his kid's mother died from a heroin overdose when he was in prison. Jury and Rusty had to take care of the boy until he got out of the pen. I could really use him at the table. Rusty too for that matter. Will you be okay on your own for the weekend?"
Tara nodded. "Yeah, the boys and I will be fine, Jax. Don't worry about us. You've got to do what you've got to do. And if it all works out things might just be a little safer for all of us."
Jax smiled slightly. He was glad that Tara understood the situation they were in. It was nice being able to tell her everything. Tara and Opie were the only people that he could be completely honest with. He had to lie to everyone else and that was becoming difficult to maintain."I am going to go hit the shower, babe." He kissed her forehead and then walked out of the bedroom.
Tara picked up the rolled up folder and opened it to the appraiser's report. Her eyes scanned the document trying to figure out if it was a fake. She just didn't see a world where Gemma threw her hands up in defeat. Tara grabbed a pen and pad and scribbled down the name from the letter head. She'd check into this appraisal herself. Tara stripped out of her clothing and pulled on a night shirt. She climbed into bed and picked up one of her medical journals. Tara was determined to stay up-to-date even if she couldn't operate right now.
30 minutes later Jax walked into the bedroom with a towel wrapped around his waist. He smiled slightly watching Tara read. She always looked so beautiful to him when she was deep in thought. However, he felt a pang of guilt as he realized it was a medical journal. It just reminded him of another bad thing that happened to her because she decided to stay with him. This life wasn't meant for families. He believed that more than ever. "How was your day?"
"It was fine. I went to physical therapy this morning and then spent the rest of the day at the clinic seeing patients. Wendy called my cell. She wants to see Abel soon. I told her she could see him this weekend," said Tara. She had been waiting all evening to drop that particular bombshell on him.
"What?" asked Jax stunned. "Why the hell would you tell her that?" asked Jax.
"Because there is no sense in fighting the inevitable. She is going to take us to court, and you can't stand any extra scrutiny right now. You are muling drugs and running guns. If she flashes too bright a light on things it could cause a lot of trouble for you and the club. It isn't worth the trouble. I told her that she can visit with him at the park for one hour. She isn't to say anything about being his mother because she isn't. I am."
Jax shook his head. "You should have talked to me first, Tara."
"Why? So that you could try to comfort me and say that it wasn't going to happen when we both know that it will? She has a great case if she goes to court, Jax. She is clean now. Wendy is willing to be drug tested before every visit with Abel. It is better that we do this on our terms than let a court dictate how this happens. If she pushes too hard she might be able to get back some of her parental rights. I am not about to let that happen," said Tara. "I am not about to lose my son to that bitch. So, if I have to make nice for an hour each weekend that is what I will do."
"I don't want you meeting with Wendy alone. I want Chibs with you. If she gets out of hand he will shut it down. Why didn't you mention this visitation shit when I was talking about going to Reno this weekend?"
"We both know you need to go do that, Jax. The club is running at half speed because of the missing members. You need more brothers especially if this situation with Niners gets worse. I want our boys to be as safe as they can be," Tara said with a small sigh.
The night that Jax broke down in front of her every bone in Tara's body told her to take the boys and leave. But her love for him just wouldn't let her. Tara waited years to finally have Jax. She wasn't about to let him go now. Whatever risks were involved she was in for better or worse now.
"Besides, while she is busy being happy with her one weekend a month I can adopt Abel. Wendy gave up her parental rights so she has no standing to contest the adoption," said Tara.
Jax quirked an eyebrow at his bride-to-be and realized she was a little more devious than he gave her credit for. "I'll get Lowen into it tomorrow."
"Good."
"Opie asked when we were going to finally tie the knot. I thought it was a pretty damn good question. I think that we should get married sooner rather than later."
Tara's eyes lit up at that. "You mean it?"
Jax nodded and said, "Yeah, I mean it. Why wait? What kind of wedding do you want to have?"
"I was thinking that we could just go to the courthouse and get married there. Something simple. We can have a party with the guys afterward." Tara had obviously given their proposed nuptials some thought. She knew a big wedding was out of the question. To be honest neither of them had much in the way of family.
"Are you sure that is what you want? I mean I know most women dream of something a little bigger than that," said Jax.
"All I want is to be your wife. That is all I have ever wanted. Afterward we can have a hell of a party to celebrate."
He smiled. "I think I can make that happen. We should go to the clerk's office next Tuesday and apply for the marriage license. We'll get married next week. I'll work on setting something up at the club to celebrate."
"Are you going to invite your mother to the party?" asked Tara.
"I don't know…I don't know about anything anymore. That is except for you." He leaned over and kissed her. At the moment everything else was up in the air.