Part IV

-o-

He had drowned and was now half-dead, he reflected. He was being dragged deeper and deeper down, into the dark of the sea and he was swimming along willingly, wanting to reach the bottom. He had given into one little temptation and had only managed to screw his life even further up. There was no bottom to be found only heartache and more darkness. Rationally he knew it was his own fault, logically that they were both to blame. Nonetheless, it was difficult to conclude anything when it left him feeling both delighted and horrified. His life felt torn, stuck in an unbelievable situation.

Fucking twice did not in any way alleviate the mess.

It only made it that more twisted and awkward, he mused darkly. She was even more careful in her behavior towards him now while he countered with his own strange behavior. It was not meant to be like this; both of them drawn unconsciously into a hurricane of fickle mood swings.

When her eyes landed on him they would quickly avert. If she had to look at him when he spoke about a case, they would land on his shoulder or some other neutral place. Her smiles were hesitant and forced.

He was not proud either; of their behavior or his own. He found his own voice hard when it left his mouth, his eyes rolling back in his head more than usual. He crossed his arms when she talked and his expression would be a frown. He found work tiresome and people idiotic; he was in a constant erratic mood trying to relate to something but finding it hard to grasp onto anything besides the fact that she was trying to ignore him.

Andy found himself doing the opposite of what he wanted, the opposite of him ignoring her as well.

He resorted to unnerving her and trying to push her off balance. He would quite noticeable let his gaze linger on her form and smirk when she caught him; keeping his gaze on her ass or her legs till she looked away. He would quirk an eyebrow when she said something sarcastic and he would tilt his head to catch her eyes. It made her uncomfortable, he could tell.

She twitched when he looked too long at her, his gaze not on anything appropriate. He did not mind getting caught admiring her cleavage when she crossed her arms nor the derisive sneer he got from her. He was feeling gleeful and vindictive; he wanted her to feel as uncomfortable as he did. It was beyond his conscious control now, anyway. Animate instincts had taken over.

One day he was alone in the break room brewing coffee when she glided into the room. She stopped mid-stride when her eyes landed on him. He watched her take an inhalation of surprise. He arched an eyebrow, daring her to turn around and head out the door again.

She arched an eyebrow back at him and then approached him and took a coffee mug. They waited in the room, the sound of the coffee machine loud. He leaned back against the wall and fastened his eyes on her; damn if he was not going to appreciate that she stood in front of him alone. He could ogle all he wanted, no one would notice but her. Besides she seemed too confident in her ability to behave as if nothing had happened, it was annoying him. He felt too unsettled.

She caught his look and glared hard back at him; her mouth forming a firm line. She crossed her arms, then decided to uncross them again when his eyes averted to her chest. But she kept silent, her eyes furious in their depths. Neither of them really wanted to talk, he surmised; neither comfortable with talking about this, whatever it was.

The machine was still brewing; loudly as the aroma of new coffee wafted from it. She was fidgeting with the sleeve of her blouse, her eyes defiantly fastened on the coffee machine now. Deliberately he walked closer to her, taking only a few steps and he stood in her space, being near enough to smell a faint distinct scent of just her.

He watched almost fascinated as her eyes caught his, wide in half surprise and glistening half with something dark that reminded him of anticipation; they glowed almost darkly. He reached past her and grabbed his own mug. He heard the small puff of air leaving her lungs. He could almost see the tension leaving her body with her exhalation; he quickly took another step forwards and planted himself even more firmly in her space, leaned his head down and whispered in her ear, intentionally letting his lips linger on the skin; "That's a damn fine skirt you're wearing today, Captain."

It was cheesy and a low blow; but her mouth half-opened in indignation and her eyes latched onto his with half-hidden lust. However, she did not move. She stood rooted to the spot, no words coming out of her mouth. He knew it would unsettle her. His hand landed on her hip before she could turn around and leave, the material was soft and the beckoning of skin under alluring.

She remained petrified, her body rigid in its motionlessness, eyes wide and lips apart; her tongue darted out. One of his finger crept under the hem of her skirt – he had not meant to do this; he had only wanted to tip her off balance, had only wanted to somehow connect with her. He had never been good with people ignoring him; never been good with pretending nothing was wrong.

A small noise escaped her when he touched the back of her thigh, hitching the skirt a little higher as another finger crept under the hem as well. A little small half-hum that went straight to his cock, tingling and twitching; he wondered if she was conscious of how that little sound was too reminiscent of a lustful moan. If she was conscious of the way her tongue looked when it slipped out and wet her red lips. If she was at all aware of the half hidden look she was directing his way.

He wanted to hoist the skirt all the way up, both hands on her naked skin. He wanted to slip his fingers under her underwear. Her breath hitched when he trailed his fingers higher up the back of her thigh, almost reaching the swell of her buttocks. This was insane, he thought. This was not supposed to happen at work where anyone could walk in on them. She was supposed to ignore him completely; tell him off for touching her like this. Instead words had left her and she looked unsure of what she wanted.

The coffee machine stopped; it was as if being pulled back to the real world. The silence louder than the noise that had been filling the little break room.

"You better get your hand off me, Lieutenant, - right now!" she growled and his hand quickly obeyed; her voice felt like electricity stinging. His rank rolling off her lips in a hard tone felt like a slap in the face.

They both took a step backwards; once again avoiding each other. She quickly poured coffee into her mug. She left the room, a backwards glance over her shoulder that was a mix between something frightened and something furious.

He poured coffee into his own mug, darkly contemplating whether he could manage to avoid being alone with her ever again. Wondering how he could get rid of this desire to be near her, this desire to get under her skin. There was still a knotted painful tension inside him; it exploded when she was near and made him do unhinged things. It imploded when she was not near as well, he admitted, and made him just as unstable. He was unsure; how was he supposed to handle this?

Andy had briefly considered talking to Provenza about this mess; but it was out of the question. His buddy would under no circumstances understand his actions; and he did not want to strain the working relationship between Provenza and the Captain; they had finally gotten rid of all those tensions there had been there in the start when she had transferred. No, Provenza would end up slapping him on the back of his head and grumble and grumble ad nauseam. And then he would proceed to chaperone everytime Andy was in the same room as her. Things would become even more awkward, even more of a mess. But they really needed to resolve it somehow; if only he knew how.

The days blended together in a blur; he alternated between trying to ignore her as well and following her every move with his eyes; alternated between pretending nothing had ever happened between them and replaying every little thing that had happened in that supply room and her darkened bedroom. It was a nightmare and yet he felt himself entranced by it.

Another thing Provenza would slap him for if he knew about that night; pounding on her door in the middle of the night and then proceeding to manhandle her into her bedroom. Only, she had done her fair share of manhandling him, he reflected. Shit, he got hard thinking about it; the feel of her naked body against his, the way she had writhed beneath him. The way she had screamed into her mattress, trying to keep quiet and failing.

He had been so angry; full of dark tension. It had assaulted him and had kept him wound up tight and taut all day and all night. It had been a bad case; and she had made a tiny mistake; the suspect sneaked around loopholes and no deal was made. She had been furious, fuming in her office alone. He had made the mistake of seeking her out; it had been a head-on angry ping pong of throwing insulting words back and forth. They could not very well fuck each other in plain view of the entire team; her blinds had been open and everyone had been outside; they had resorted to a tensile exchange of anger and repressed desire instead.

It was blowing off steam; only he would rather do it nakedly he mused afterwards. He had ignored the others and their half-questioning, half-accusing looks. Provenza seemed on the verge of telling him off for upsetting the Captain further when he had slinked from her office slamming her door. He had held a hand up to stall his partner; shook his head and headed out to the elevators. He had needed some air.

He had been trapped in the angry sensation the rest of the day, the rest of the night. There had been no sleep to gain; he had been restless. His mind had churned in an endless circle, dark and furious. And yet, he had felt a compulsive force entrancing him, he needed to see her, touch her – somehow. He had been sitting in the dark contemplating; ruminating about every goddamn stupid thing he had ever done in his life, about every dark little thing he had done to ruin himself. She did not really belong in that list, he reasoned. She was not supposed to belong in that list of screw-ups and let downs. He had driven to her apartment before he could change his mind.

What they were doing he really did not want to scrutinize it too much, and he merely wanted to act. He did not want to ruin it with too much overthinking. No, he wanted to drown in her presence; overdose on her body. It was pretty simple. Why, they had already done it once; they might as well add another little misstep to that.

She had been surprisingly willing when she had opened the door; he barely had to kiss her and he could feel the way her hands drew him closer – her body settling against him. Why her hands had been under his boxers, grasping him when she told him it could not happen.

It had happened, yet another discretion that was not supposed to happen. Two times did not make it an affair though, he reasoned. Only, it was not much of a reason when he felt compelled to only repeat it. When he felt compelled to lie naked against her again.

However it was difficult when she was trying to ignore him. Maybe they should talk, he relented – again a little difficult when she fled the moment he opened his mouth and it seemed not to be related to their case. How was he supposed to talk about anything with her when she snarled and bared her teeth the moment he came within her space, fled in a flurry before he could utter a word – stopped him with furious, frightened eyes that begged him not to open his mouth.

It was problematic when she smiled genuinely at everyone else, problematic when he caught her flirting lightly with others. He shut his jaw and glared instead; more intent on upsetting her than before. It was a cruel thing, he knew – immature even. But really, it was cause and effect. She ignored him and he countered with antagonism.

He had never been good at talking about his feelings anyway; it was easier to just sit in his own little dark pool of water, easier to antagonize her, maybe she would accidentally fall into his pool too that way. Easier to let all their unresolved tension simmer; that way they would not be responsible when the whole mess blew up in their faces.

-o-