Harry Potter and the curious case of his sexual preferences
Disclaimer : Please don't sue us we only own this plot. Or lack thereof.
Summary: Harry Potter does NOT love Draco Malfoy. Yes he does. No he doesn't. Yes he does! And why does Ron have tits? These mysteries and many others are answered in this thrilling tale of romance and insanity.
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Chapter Four
Harry Potter and the Horrific Abuse of Adjectives
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The story so far -
Harry and Draco are imprisoned by Grindelwald and Dumbledore and are forced to dangle above a noxious, bubbling pink potion! Then, just as they are about to give up hope…
They heard the ominous 'pop' of someone apparating. Dobby gave a high pitched screamed that nearly tore Harry's and Draco's eardrums and disappeared into thin air.
"No! Dobby, wait!"
Harry's anguished yell was cut short as he heard Malfoy start to scream.
"AAIIIIEEEEEE!! NOOOOooooo!!!"
Harry looked around hurriedly. Malfoy was screwing his eyes shut as if sometyhing were burning them.
"What, Malfoy? What's wrong?! What happened to your precious eyes?!"
Harry was frantic. Those beautiful, beautiful eyes!
"Oh God, I don't think I'll survive this. The scars! Professor, how could you?!" whimpered Malfoy in abject horror.
"Mr. Malfoy, can we calm down a minute please…"
It was only then that Harry realized they weren't alone. He looked down.
"AAAAAAIIIIEEEEEEE!!"
Snape sighed in resignation. It was a pity those two were such sworn enemies. For two people who were apparently so different they sounded surprisingly alike in most situations.
"Potter, shut up!!"
Harry sputtered to a halt.
"H- Harry… is this the 'IT' Dumbledore was talking about?" asked Malfoy fearfully.
Out of the corner of his eye Harry saw that Malfoy's eyes were still screwed shut and that he was shaking like a leaf on the Whomping Willow.
"Mr. Malfoy," gritted a much put-out Prof. Snape. "I suggest you get over yourself. Gods man, it's just a little makeup. It was all the rage in the 70s."
With that Prof Snape gave an experimental flick to his greasy, unwashed hair, which immediately flopped back onto his left cheek like a dead thing.
This was taken as the cue for Harry and Malfoy to start screaming again, and they proceeded to do it with much gusto. Snape, who was already on a very short and tired fuse – given the fact that he didn't remember how he got to be here in the first place (All he knew was, he had to somehow save boy wonder and his side kick) – felt that this was the absolute limit.
"Shut the bloody hell up you brainless twits! You're giving me a headache!"
The boys chose to ignore this admissive and rather happily continued in the activity of screaming their throats raw.
"That's IT!"
With a flick of his wand the much tried and troubled Professor, sent the two yowling boys hurtling into the fluorescent concoction below.
* * * * * * *
"Is it time, my love?" asked Prof Dumbledore, twirling one of Grindelwald's curls around his forefinger.
"No, not yet. I can still make out the color of that tapestry over there."
Dumbledore sighed. "I wish we weren't still in monochrome. Your hair isn't all sunshine and golden ringlets anymore."
"Have patience my love- bun," said Grindelwald. "And anyway, we're not in monochrome, we're in SEPIA!"
Dumbledore pouted cutely.
"But STILL!" He complained, "how come those BOYS get to be in full color and in the vicinity of a gloriously pink potion!? It's not fair!"
"Patience, lovely snuggy- wug. Everything's going according to plan!"
"You are so very fiendishly clever," sighed Dumbledore rapturously.
"That I am – just think, soon we'll have sucked all the color from the planet and when chaos thus reigns supreme –"
"The world will look to us for help!"
"Exactly!"
"We'll rule the world! BWAHAHA!"
"And the best part Is no one will ever guess they're hidden in our deepest, darkest dungeon!"
"BUWA HA HA HA!"
"BWA HAH –HA!"
The two criminal masterminds cackled manically, so engrossed in the evilness in their plans that they never noticed 3 violently pink figures slipping out of the dungeon and into the darkness beyond.
* * * * * * *
Snape was trying very hard not to listen to the two fluorescently pink boys squabbling. Apart from the fact that all the pink was making him nauseous, he now had to contend with the fact that they were completely lost. The Gods up there must be having a field day on his account, Snape thought bitterly, cursing the day he decided to take Prof Flitwick's advice and drink himself stupid.
"%^$(0!2)! Bloody Potter!" Snape snarled, sorely wanting to dock the boy in the head.
Harry, on the other hand, had bigger things to worry about; the shocking pink potion had doused them completely from head to foot, making Malfoy, of all people, emit a glowing aura of rose petal pink around him. His cheeks were flushed, slate eyes wide, his mouth… oh God his mouth – Harry's brain just about short circuited on that train of thought and he had to close his eyes to physically wanting to grab the other boy and slam him into a wall nearby – and not necessarily to beat him senseless either.
"Stop it!" Harry berated himself. "Don't think about Malfoy, you hate him, remember. Think about green cheese or Dudley in leather pants and fishnet stockings."
"Potter!" Harry heard Malfoy's commanding voice cut into his thoughts. "Are you even listening to a word I'm saying you bloody nitwit?! You and your stupid plans! Stupid boy wonder. Look at me! Just look at me!!"
Malfoy was so distraught, he was completely unaware of the fact that this was exactly what Harry was trying not to do. Harry contemplated shutting his ears and singing nursery rhymes, but figured that wouldn't get him anywhere. Instead, he did the next thing that popped into his head.
Grabbing Malfoy by the scruff of his collar the darker boy slammed him against the wall. Harry noted the wild eyed expression Malfoy wore a second before he slammed his lips against the now terrified boy. Malfoy's mouth was soft and it took all of Harry's restraint to stop him from biting Malfoy's lip until he tasted blood. Instead, he licked his way thoroughly around the now pliant lips and slipped his tongues inside for a taste. Harry could feel his brain short- circuiting and was only dimly aware of the sounds Malfoy was making in return. Harry pushed in closer and bought his hand up to Malfoy's head to angle so he could have better access to that wonderfully sweet mouth.
Harry and Malfoy were both panting heavily still kissing desperately. Malfoy experienced a moment of horror when he found himself thinking that this was better than being hooked on drugs. He was actually begging Potter to keep kissing him! He pushed any disturbing questions about his manhood aside and wrapped himself more securely around the boy- wonder, completely loosing himself to the moment.
Snape stared. Just when he thought things couldn't get any worse THIS had to happen. It hardly registered to his already distraught brain that he had started to scream and run in circles – again - when an almighty BANG! Shook the entire cave.
"NNNNOOOOOOooooooooooooo………...!!"
Grindelwald's and Dumbledore's screams mingled and resonated through the darkness in a dreadful cacophony of despair.
Grindelwald – because he realized – as he spotted the two boys who had apparated into the room still locked in passionate embrace – that the potion was now useless, and the powers that bound the two enemies were longer effective. The plan had failed! It was quite obvious that the boys were further away from being enemies than Ernie and Bert. Grindelwald bashed his head against the wall – repeatedly. You could trust no one these days…
Dumbledore was experiencing similar despair. But only because he was acutely experiencing the loss of a future pouty- red- lipped potential boy-toy. The world was beyond unfair indeed! Dumbledore stared at Harry and Draco for a while and turned to look and Grindelwald with a resigned sigh and knowing grin…
Still flustered, Harry and Draco both stared down at the two men below. Both boys were avoiding each other's gaze. Harry felt like he wanted to burst into hysterical laughter and scream with terror at the same time. Draco started playing with his fingers, already breaking out into sweat.
"Ahem… right then, my lads. Let's get the two of you sorted out shall we?" said Dumbledore, with that rather suspicious 'twinkle' back in his eyes.
With a flick of his wand he restored the still hot pink potion that covered Harry and Draco and returned them back to their normal color. (In Draco's case gecko white!) It was then that the Boy-who-lived noticed that Snape was missing again.
"Uhh, sir…" mumbled Harry. Amazed at the fact that he still had the ability to speak after what had just happened between him and Draco. "Prof – Professor Snape… still- umm… cave… lost…"
"Oh my, yes. I was trying to locate him, but my dear Grindelwald and I were a little – ahem, occupied," said Dumbledore, looking rather sheepish and smiling shiftily at Grindelwald.
"What are we waiting for, Chaton. Let's go find him,"
It was obvious that Grindelwald was trying to drag Dumbledore away so that the two boys could have some privacy. Malfoy felt himself go pink around the ears… Gods, this was sooo embarrassing!
"Ahh… right. Yes of course. We shall be back. Make yourselves comfortable, boys." Dumbledore winked at the two lads. He couldn't help sighing at the loss of his favorite pupil though… alas.
Before Harry could turn around and say anything to Draco, there was a loud 'THUD!' Harry turned around to see Draco flat on his back, his arms and legs spread out like an angel and his eyes bulging with terror. He was mumbling something and the picture it made Harry think of an albino Goldfish. Harry had to stifle a slightly hysterical giggle behind his hand. It definitely wouldn't do to laugh at Malfoy now.
Harry knelt down in front of Draco trying to get the boy to respond.
"Oh good grief! He's in shock. What the bloody hell?! Draco! Are you alright?"
Harry felt hysteria bubbling up in him again, and slapped Draco's face – hard. After what felt like a year of staring into a black hole of confusion, Draco's eyes slowly blinked up at Harry.
Draco had the feeling on drowning in deep pools of green. And for the first time in years felt an unfamiliar flutter deep in the pit of his stomach.
Harry almost cried with relief. "Are you alright?"
Draco wondered why Harry was whispering. But the boy-who-laughed-in-the-face-of-Voldermort was afraid that if he spoke too loudly it would send Draco into another fit of madness.
Draco gulped and reached for Harry's outstretched hand to sit up. Harry felt an electric shock run up from his fingers, where they were holding onto Draco's slim hand. Sensing Harry shiver, Draco held on tighter and brought his free hand up to stroke Harry's cheek.
"Potter. You... me... I… never..." Muttered Draco, still running his hand over Harry's cheek.
The tension between the two boys was palpable.
"But… can we still…?" asked Harry, looking down. "I- it's been a long time coming. You feel it too… don't you?"
Draco heard Harry's voice tremble. He at once bought a hand to lift Harry's chin up and looked strait into his eyes. He wanted Harry to see the fire and desire that was burning within him. Harry had to know that Draco wanted this as much as he did.
Gripped by what Harry saw in his once – nemesis' eyes, he pushed the other boy slowly to the ground and started caressing every inch of Draco's body with slow, sure determination. Draco lost himself in the pleasure of Harry's hands and lips. Amidst his moans of pleasure, Draco retained just enough sense to fumble for his want and cry 'Aerosensuo'.
They lifted up in the air. Their nakedness keeping them warm, and their cloaks shielding them from the prying eyes of the dark.
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THE END
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NOTES
Phew. That was clearly disturbing. And in case you gentle readers were wondering what the heck happened to the plot, I'd like to take the time to tell you not to think about it anymore. The plot in this story is more or less incoherent. The IMPORTANT thing is, though, that we terrified you.
Who wants an epilogue?