Chapter Four
"I didn't ask you to do that." I mumbled as I heard them return. Despite the way I sat in my room, I knew they heard me. My door was wide open, though, and Esme stood from where she had been sitting beside me.
"I know you didn't." Emmett called just loud enough for me to hear, "Nobody did. It was a requirement."
I was calm, but I was very embarrassed. I really didn't want them to know just how far that went, even if they probably already had an idea. I wasn't going to say anything about it, but now that they'd gotten that answer from Ken, I couldn't avoid it anymore.
It bothered me that now they knew just how right Jack was. I wasn't perfect anymore. Not that I ever was, but most of what Ken had told me to do, I'd never heard of before. I couldn't help feeling like I lost a part of myself down in that basement. That was the hardest thing about being home.
"So how'd he die?" I asked quieter.
"Painfully." Rosalie answered this time.
"That's not what I mean." I countered.
"Car accident." Alice rounded the doorway just as Esme was leaving, "That was fun setting up." I nodded. That was believable, "Really, Leandra. Please don't feel bad for him. There was literally no way any of us could consider him human."
I understood that. Better than anyone.
"I don't feel bad for him." I shook my head a little, "I just.. I-I didn't want anybody to know.. That much."
"It wasn't anything we didn't already know, Leandra." Rosalie followed Alice into the room, "And yet you still wanted to protect that animal."
"I wasn't protecting him." I was getting slightly irritated, "I just didn't want any of you to change." She frowned, obviously not getting it, "I didn't want how I saw you to change. To me, none of you would ever do anything like that." I paused, "Well, maybe you would, Rose, but.." I trailed off, shaking my head, "I've seen Emmett protective before, but that wasn't protective. That was.. I don't know."
They understood now.
"And I've never seen Carlisle like that." I continued, "He's always been the calm one, no matter what happened. It just.. I guess it bothers me. I mean, I've changed enough for all of us. I just wanted one thing to stay the same."
"His patience does have a limit." Alice sat beside me, "If it means anything to you, he didn't help us." I stayed quiet. It surprised me when Rosalie actually sat beside me as well. Stiffly, but there she was. I looked back down, studying my hands in my lap. I did that a lot now, mainly because I didn't want to see the looks in their eyes. I felt absolutely horrible enough. I didn't need to see their disappointment at what I was now. I felt less than human again, like before. When I lived with Jack, only worse.
"So what was that you said?" Alice suddenly asked, "About not wanting us to know?"
I immediately closed my eyes. If they had any idea exactly what went on, besides the basics of what Ken told them, they wouldn't want me anymore. My stomach hurt with the shame, and tumbled with the nervousness. I stayed quiet, knowing they were waiting for some sort of answer. There were no words, however, to describe how horrible I felt. How much I hated myself.
"You're not seriously blaming yourself?" Alice asked, and I sighed.
"No." I admitted, "I know it was his fault, but.. That doesn't help." I sat there in silence for a minute, staring down at my feet hanging over the side of the bed now. My toes were slightly pink, indicating they were cold, but I hardly felt it.
"What are you thinking about?" Alice asked, and I sighed.
"I don't know how to be home." I admitted, "I'm not used to.. I don't know, being out. I'm not used to talking to anyone. Two weeks down there felt like two years. I feel so lost." My quiet mumble of a voice reflected that, I was sure.
"It'll get easier." Alice offered, and I shook my head.
"That's what he said." I replied, "It never did. All I did for the passed week, was sit there, and hope Ken was too tired to come downstairs. I could never tell what he was going to do. One day, I'd never see anyone. The next, he'd be down there four times before the light was gone. The next, he was there all day."
All this talking was leaving me breathless. I definitely wasn't used to talking anymore.
"That's what was going on the last week?" She asked, and gently, I nodded.
"Jack wasn't allowed down there anymore." I mumbled, "So I couldn't talk to you. Until last night."
"I can't tell you how worried we were." She admitted, trying to meet my eyes. I kept them down, sighing a little.
"You should have been." My voice had gotten quieter, more distant, until it suddenly got just a bit stronger, "One thing you should know, is Jack never helped him. He never helped Ken to.. Do that. Jack just beat me."
"Just." Rosalie muttered bitterly.
"I know." I mumbled, shrugging a little.
Alice assured me quietly, "After a few days, you'll start to feel okay again."
"Nothing's ever going to be okay again." I mumbled, and vaguely I watched her look to Rosalie. I closed my eyes, already knowing the look in her eyes. I didn't have to look at her to know how she felt. Worried, but maybe not as much as she would be if I were still gone. It would be clear in her eyes, as well as that tiny little line she got in her brow every other time she felt this way.
"Sure it will." Alice replied gently, "You're resilient, remember?"
"And Carlisle is patient." I countered quietly, "He found his limit. I found mine the third day I was with them." She looked back down. Remembering as clearly as I did what happened that day. The updated picture they got of me laying on the floor directly after the worst beating of my life.
With a sigh, Rosalie stood. Alice sighed, standing as well.
"Please try to rest, Leandra." Alice told me, and I nodded, "Do you want me to get Esme for you?" Numbly, I nodded again.
"Carlisle, too?" I requested, glancing up at her, and she nodded as well. I wanted to talk to him. I had something I needed to say to him.
Thankfully, they stepped in right as Alice and Rose were leaving. I didn't feel like being alone. Not for one second. Probably knowing that, they heard my request, and showed up.
"Leandra, I want to apologize." Were Carlisle's first words to me today, "I never meant to-"
"Believe me." I said, "I get it. More than you know." I hesitated, trying to think of the right way to say what I wanted to say, "That's sort of what I wanted to talk to you about."
"Please don't apologize." He murmured, and I shook my head.
"I wanted to thank you." I mumbled, looking back up, "Both of you, but Carlisle.." I didn't know how to say it, "You were always so tough. You stayed so strong, and so brave, and so calm. Especially when you were talking to me. How did you do it?" Esme smiled a little, "Really. You were never scared."
"I was." He replied, "I was more scared than I've been in a very long time."
"I couldn't tell it." I murmured, amazed. Continuing to smile a little, Esme moved forward and sat beside me. I let her put her arm around me, "Except for last night. I knew you were worried, but not scared like I was."
"That was the point." He admitted gently, "You were plenty frightened, and you didn't need to speak to someone else just as frightened." I glanced over at Esme, and her expression told me she'd done the same.
And it suddenly made sense. They were much better at handling their fear than I was. It wasn't that he wasn't worried. They all were. They just weren't about to let me know that. If I thought about it, knowing they were so worried would have only worried me even more. Because if they had reason to be worried, so did I.
"Well, it worked." I finally replied, "At least while I could talk to you, anyway." I paused, "And as for talking to Jack.. He's not the easiest person to talk to." I looked to Esme again, "I hated it when he talked to you. I mean, I didn't like it when he talked to any of you, but you especially. I wanted to punch him." She smiled.
"Honey, it didn't bother me." She assured me, "I would have talked to him all day if I had to. Any of us would."
"Except the others couldn't keep from pissing him off." I looked down, remembering clearly Alice's turn speaking to him. I squeezed my eyes shut, "That hurt so much."
"That will never happen again." Esme murmured, "Not ever." I didn't know what to say to that. I'd heard that before. I didn't want to tell her I didn't believe her, because I knew that would hurt her feelings.
"The one thing that did bother us the most was knowing that you were there, and knowing you've had to spend any time whatsoever around such a man." I sighed.
"That's just him." I said, looking over at her, "He's been that way for as long as I've known him, but he's never beaten me that bad before. It'd never been that bad before. That's why I was so nervous about leaving." I looked to Carlisle now, "That's why I wouldn't leave. Even though I knew he wasn't lying this time about what he told me. He's threatened to kill me so many times before, but not like that." I shuddered at remembering, wishing I could curl into a ball. That would have hurt too much, though.
I took a breath, needing to get back onto the subject.
"Thank you." I said, looking back up at Carlisle, "I never would have made it as far as I did without you. It meant so much to me. Thank you, for being there."
"Always." He told me, "We'll always be there."
That only made me start to cry. I didn't even know why. Maybe because what he said was something I had needed so bad to hear the last two weeks? Or maybe I was counting on it now? After spending two weeks not knowing if I'd live or die the next day, it was hard to hold on without that reassurance.
I was safe now, and I knew that, but I was still learning how to feel that way.
Now that I knew I didn't have to be so strong anymore, I wasn't strong at all. Like I just wanted to cry all the time now, and not have to worry about being beaten for it. I just needed to cry. That's it. Being hurt in so many ways was only healed that way. Carlisle understood that, given the way he looked down and moved forward. Kneeling in front of me as I struggled to get myself under control again.
"Leandra, I know how hard it is for you to believe, but to us, you are a part of this family." He told me, "And believe me, when we first met you, I never thought it'd be possible to care about someone so much so quickly." I watched as he kneeled in front of me, "And I don't know what happened last time," Meaning back in the vision I'd had, "But I know what I want to happen this time."
I frowned a little, confused. Glancing up at Esme, she only smiled, smoothing my cheek lightly.
"I don't ever want anyone to question where you belong again." He told me, bringing my attention back to him, "As big of a part of this family as you are, there's only one choice." He glanced to Esme as well when I didn't say anything, "We were going to wait, just to avoid overwhelming you, but we've decided that the sooner this goes through, the better."
"I'm confused." I admitted quietly, sniffling a little.
"From the beginning, you've made your preference very clear, and the day you were taken.." He trailed off, "Leandra, it hurt us. Even before we knew just how much danger you were in, to see you taken like that, it hurt us. It really made us realize just how precious and priceless you are to us, and that is something we never want to have to worry about again. We want to know, and we want you to know that no matter what happens, you're here to stay."
"How?" I asked quietly.
"Out with it, dad!" Emmett called from the living room.
"We'd like to know how you'd feel about being adopted." Carlisle told me, and for a second, I could just sit there, "Officially." I knew what that word meant, but for a moment, it didn't register to me. Adopted? Meaning, I would be theirs. Nobody could take me away, or pull me away from them again. That's what he was saying. He was offering peace of mind, as well as something even bigger.
I still couldn't speak yet, so he continued, "We've already looked into it, and all that's left are the two steps to finalize it." Before he even finished saying the last word, I stood and hugged him. He returned it, gently of course, but enough to let me know he was there.
I couldn't believe it. I really couldn't.
"You still want me?" I had to ask through tears.
"Of course we do." He answered before Esme could, "Why wouldn't we?"
"W-What about all the stuff I did wrong?" I asked, pulling back, "All the trouble I've been the last two weeks?" He hugged me again, shaking his head, "All the stuff they did..?"
"You had absolutely no fault in that."
"I know." I told him, "But that doesn't fix me."
"You're not broken." He countered, "You never have been. I think now, more than ever, you need to know someone will always be there. No matter what happens." I couldn't keep arguing. Why keep trying to change his mind? Because I cared about him. I didn't want him stuck with me for however long I was with them.
"Please." I squeezed tears from my eyes, "Tell me this isn't a dream."
"No." He said, "It's not." I could only let out sobs now. I was just beginning to understand where my vision led. This must have been why I considered, without a doubt knew they were my family. Because they had been. He wasn't just offering me a permanent home, and a family, but he was returning to me what I had before. Especially when he didn't have to.
I could never repay him. For as long as I lived, I would never be able to give him anything near the amount that he was offering to give me.
I couldn't speak. I couldn't calm down.
"I'm taking this as a yes?" Esme laughed quietly behind me. Enthusiastically, I nodded. Slowly, Carlisle stood, carefully lifting me with him. Knowing I was getting tired of standing,
"Our only regret, Leandra, is that we haven't done this sooner." Esme spoke gently.
"Geez, tell her we want her, and she has a breakdown." Emmett's voice from the doorway wasn't even enough to help me stop crying. This meant too much to me.
"Really, Emmett?" Alice asked, beside him, "The day after she gets back, and you start picking on her already?"
"She knows I only do it out of love." Emmett replied.
"How could you still want me?" I cried, looking to them, "I'm nothing."
"Leandra, I think it's safe to say you've been a member of the family since we all met you." Alice laughed a little, "You're everything."
"Hell, even Rosalie agrees it's a good idea." Emmett looked down at her.
"Just for less attention." She added quietly, "You're not stupid. You know the risks."
I couldn't let go of Carlisle, though I was sure he wanted me to. Just another minute, I told myself. I told myself just another minute every minute that passed. When I could breathe without sobbing, I even tried to let him go, but he kept his gentle hold, so I kept mine.
"Carlisle." Jasper spoke quietly.
"I know." He said, "We'll be out in a moment. I've already explained, and he understood." Slowly, he turned. Just as I heard the knock at the front door. He carried me from the room, and up the hall as Esme moved ahead of us.
Standing there for a minute, I felt tired suddenly. After so much emotion, and probably Jasper having a lot to do with it. But that didn't stop me from being worried.
"Don't be alarmed," Carlisle told me, "He's not taking you anywhere." I didn't understand, but it made me nervous that he had to give me forewarning.
"This must be her." Slowly, I sat straighter, and turned. Looking back at two men standing there, having been led inside by Esme. One, very obviously a cop, the second, I recognized from the state.
I cried immediately, despite how tired I was already. The second I saw him, I was in tears. Loud, sobbing tears, trembling so hard until he said his first words to me.
"I'm not taking you anywhere, Leandra." He assured me quickly, and it took some time of repeating that until I could hear him, "It's alright. You're not going anywhere." They both waited patiently while I tried to calm down.
"I can't." I cried, shaking my head.
"Leandra, I'm the one assigned to your case, and I want more than anything to be able to close it." He said, "I'm not taking you anywhere. I have no need to. You're staying right here."
I sniffled hard, hesitantly starting to believe him.
As it turned out, he only had a few things to go over with Carlisle and Esme, and he had to ask me how I felt about the adoption. If that was something I wanted.
From where I sat in Emmett's arms now, I nodded. Too tired to speak.
"Aside from these minor things," He was telling Esme, "There is no issue here. Nothing that would constitute removing her from your care. As I understand it, you have your license to homeschool her, so what was the issue in New York?"
"I didn't get a chance to renew my license there." She explained, "Not before they issued the requirement of public school."
"Normally, as long as she's getting an education, they won't specify how it's handled." He sighed, "Do you remember the name of the person you spoke to?"
"We were never given a name." Carlisle answered, and the official frowned.
"That's why we were so confused." Esme replied, "It's never become an issue before."
"There's actually nothing even here that says they specified public school at all." He told them, shaking his head as he flipped some pages in the folder open in front of him, "Nothing that indicates you had done anything wrong at all." He sighed.
"As for the two sudden moves, that was the biggest problem." He continued, turning another few pages in the folder, "However, considering it was with her best interest in mind, I think I can overlook that. But before I can officially approve you, officer Jay will need to speak with her, and of course, you, about what happened two weeks ago."
"Of course." Carlisle replied, watching as the cop stepped forward.
First thing, I was asked about the woman who came to get me, and as much as I could, I cooperated. I just wanted to get through this, and at first it was easy.
"I never asked her name." I sniffled, "She probably wouldn't have given a real one, anyway."
"Did she say anything to you?" I assumed he meant once we left here.
"No." I replied, "Nothing at all. We didn't talk. Nobody said anything until we got there."
"And then what did she say?"
"She just answered.." I trailed off for a second, "J-Jack's questions."
"Your stepfather?" I nodded, "What did he ask?"
"If she was careful." I answered, "She told him that everything on the forms she gave Carlisle was fake. That the address she gave him was somewhere in Olympia." I paused, thinking, "After that, I was pushed into the backseat, so I didn't hear anything else. Jack just gave her the money, and she left."
"And how much was that?"
"He said fifteen grand." I answered quietly, "It was a lot of cash." He nodded, writing that down.
"You're doing so well, Leandra." He told me, and I took a breath as he continued to write, "Just a few more questions for you, sweetheart." He looked up as I waited, "I need to ask you about Jack." I looked down immediately, "At any point, did he say anything about where he might be going?"
"I don't remember the address to the place in Seattle." I mumbled, "If he's not there, you're not going to find him." I suddenly felt twice as tired. I couldn't go through this again. Not again, "But no. He never told me anything about where he'd go."
"Okay." He said, "And you said he caused all of those bruises?" I looked up. I clearly heard the doubt in his tone. It could have been curiosity, but I took it as doubt.
"Yes." I mumbled firmly, "That is what I said." I didn't like the fact that he doubted.
"I'm just making sure." He said, "If someone here was hurting you-"
"No one here would ever lay a hand on me." I did snap this time, but my voice shook, "Not ever. Why would you even think.." I trailed off, and once more, I started to cry. How could he even think that? I shut up. Muted myself.
"Oh, honey." Esme murmured with a sigh, pulling me into her arms. I turned as much as I could to return her hug, holding onto her tightly. I was upset. Very upset that anyone would ever consider that idea.
Any other time, I would have yelled at him for saying one wrong word against my family. I would have gotten mad. Not cried. It could have been the torn feeling I felt that made me cry. I wanted to speak up, to tell him off, but I was scared. Each time I had to stand up for my family lately, it only got me hurt.
Even if that wasn't his goal, he'd upset me, confused me, and conflicted me by even hinting that he thought my family were responsible for my bruises. Just that one thought completely broke me, because I didn't know what to do about it.
Sensing my patience had met its end, he nodded, "Alright." He believed me, "Alright, sweetheart. I think I've gotten all I need." He sighed. I watched as he signed several documents. He stood up, and the comforting hand gently stroking my hair from Alice behind me told me they all understood. I was a mess.
"If you ever hear anything from Jack again, let me know." He told me, and I sighed.
"Because that worked just perfectly before." I sobbed bitterly. Hearing my tone, he looked down.
"Get better, Leandra." He told me, "I'll allow you to rest."
"You're not going to find him." I murmured flat out, "The next time he shows up, it'll be for me again." He didn't say anything, glancing to Carlisle, "Maybe this time, he'll finally get to kill me because you weren't looking hard enough."
"He's not going to touch you." Carlisle told me, and even I was taken off guard by the firm tone of his voice. He meant what he said, and it did ease me. I nodded a little, looking down.
They left me alone after that.
I was resting back in Esme's arms, while Carlisle spoke to them a few steps away. Despite how crowded the room was, it was silent around me. Silent enough to let me fall asleep. I was exhausted.
I got to sleep that afternoon, almost until late evening, when Carlisle woke me up. I refused another dose of pain medication when he said it'd be wearing off soon, thinking I could handle it as I fell back to sleep. If I did before, I could now, right?
Wrong.
It hurt more than it had when I'd gotten most of these bruises, and I knew it was because they were healing, but I must have forgotten that part. That wasn't all that upset me, though.
Waking up this time in my bed, and having nobody else in the room also added to my tears. There was no comfortable position now. Not that there was one before, but somehow, Esme's temperature against the bruises numbed them just enough to let me sleep. Like ice.
Without her holding me, I felt the pain full force. I started to really see just how much the first dose of pain medication had helped, because right then, I couldn't move. I laid half on my side, nearly on my stomach. Curled around a pillow, trying to find some sort of relief, but in response to the pain, I was tense, which only hurt more. Tensing me more.
Giving them a chance to heal, the pain of the wounds and bruises overwhelmed me now. It made my head spin, and my stomach tumble. There were no words I could use to describe the pain.
I only cried for about a minute, before Carlisle was there. He sighed sadly and crossed the room. Offering the medication again, I agreed wholeheartedly. Anything to ease the pain. It was a pill this time, instead of an injection. I briefly wondered what the difference was, but decided I didn't care.
Once given to me, he offered to stay, which again, I agreed. However, knowing what helped me about Esme holding me, I still wouldn't let him hold me. Lifting me was one thing, but holding me was completely different. At least to me.
It wasn't that I didn't trust him. I just couldn't tolerate anyone holding me like Esme did. I couldn't explain it, but that was just how it was. Had she offered, I wouldn't let Alice hold me either. Emmett couldn't, Carlisle couldn't. Just Esme, but had she offered, I would have turned her down. Just because I didn't want to run the risk of throwing up on her.
Carlisle seemed to think it was because she was the one to hold me like that first after I got home. And maybe it was because she held me like that back in New York. Neither of us knew. Least of all, me. I was just glad he didn't seem hurt by me not wanting anything to do with him holding me.
He also seemed to understand that when I was like this, I didn't want any contact whatsoever. Of course roughly flinching away from his attempt to smooth my hair from where he sat beside me was a pretty good indication. Which only hurt more, so he didn't try again.
It took roughly ten minutes before I began to feel the pain ease from what it was, to a dull, burning ache, and I'd cried the entire time. Before, with the shot, it was almost instant. I was so tired of crying, but there was no way to keep from doing it. Until the pain eased, and I became less tense. My cries slowed, then stopped, and I laid there almost numb with relief.
Numb was the right word, because that's what this was doing.
He hadn't given me enough to completely take away the pain, or knock me out cold last time. It had been just enough to help me cope, as that was all I wanted, but this was different. About the third deep breath I took, he tried again to smooth my hair. I accepted that this time. Blinking slowly, tiredly. The shot helped me deal with it, this made it hard to even feel my face.
"Sorry." I murmured, "For flinching."
"I completely understand." He replied, "You have nothing to be sorry for."
"I wish I could explain why I'm like that." I sighed.
"You're still defensive." He explained quietly, "That's going to take some time to get through, and when you're in so much pain, that only intensifies your defensive instinct, and when you're in that much pain, anything else just overwhelms you." That made sense, "I've seen it so many times, Leandra. It's normal."
"You have?" I asked, slowly looking up at him.
"I have." He nodded a little, pausing for a moment before he spoke again, "That's exactly the reason I've learned never to touch or offer any other sort of physical reassurance to a human being turned. It just overwhelms them, and makes it so much harder on them."
"This isn't the same." I said, "Not even close."
"What do you mean?" He asked, curious.
"This hurts a whole hell of a lot," I mumbled, "But being turned is ten times worse than this. It's not going to be fun to be turned, for whatever reason." At his look, I continued, "I remember what it feels like. I guess I'm remembering more about the vision, but I remember it. Clearly. I remember it. You were there, but you weren't afraid to pet my head." He smiled a little at those choice of words, "It helped me, because I think I was so scared of dying, but I'm not the same anymore. This didn't happen last time." I paused, "I wonder how much this changes everything?"
"We won't know." He offered, and I smiled a little. He'd given me a little more medication this time than last time. I could feel it, and it was still kicking in.
"You know, if you turned me, I wouldn't have to hurt anymore." I glanced up, and he gave me a look, "Just a thought.." I frowned, sighing, "How much of that stuff did you give me?" I meant to ask how strong it was, but he seemed to understand.
"Is it helping you?" He asked, and it took me awhile to think.
"I think so?" It was a question. He smiled a little, nodding. He stood up, "Wait. Don't leave."
"I want you to rest." He said, and I whimpered a little.
"I am resting." I said, "But I'm not done talking yet." He smiled again, but sat back down. Eased by that, I nodded a little in my pillow. He stayed there, probably waiting for me to fall asleep, but there was something I needed to say.
"I'm really sorry, Carlisle." I finally mumbled.
"Leandra, you have no reason to be sorry." He replied gently.
"That couldn't have been easy on you." I looked up, looking to him, "The whole time, I just kept hoping he wouldn't send another picture."
"I'll admit, it wasn't easy for any of us to see you that way." He told me.
"I'm surprised it wasn't worse." I admitted, "He went easy on me." That seemed to surprise him, "But now you know." I sighed, "That's Jack. Nobody believed me."
"We believed you." He replied, "But I do believe we were underestimating him."
"Do you think I'm going to be as crazy as he is when I'm older?" I asked, looking up again, "I know that's not normal, the things he said."
"No." He finally told me, "I don't think so. The more we provide you with what you never had growing up, the lower the chance."
"Is it weird that I feel bad for him?" I asked quietly, "I've always wondered what it would have been like if I'd had to worry about a little brother or sister. Someone younger and smaller. Like Alyssa had to, and now, him too, I guess. I didn't know before what it was like for him growing up." I hesitated, "Something he said really made me think. When he said that he didn't ask to be the way he was. I've said that before. What if all he wanted was somebody to see him like I wanted somebody to see me?"
"It's not strange." He told me, "It proves you're human, Leandra."
"I can't stop thinking about it, though." I mumbled, slowly sitting up, "I already know Ken is.. Err, was much worse than Jack is. In most ways. It makes me think about what it must have been like for them both to grow up with Ken." I shuddered, just thinking about it. Whimpering, I continued, "Spending a week with him was hell. Imagine years, like Heather had to. If her life was anything like that, I'm surprised she's not as crazy as Jack is."
"Every situation is different." He answered quietly, "Sometimes there are no answers to questions we have about why people are the way they are. Leandra, you should lay back down."
"I was so scared." I admitted, unable to keep the emotion from my voice, "All the time, but I tried. I really tried." And my tears started yet again. Catching his attention. I couldn't help it. I leaned over, and hugged his side. Gently, he returned my hug, not minding in the least. His arm gentle around me, letting me hold onto him.
"I'd given up." I mumbled, my tears suddenly stopped, "That day. Yesterday. I think that's why I'm still so confused."
"You have every right to be confused." He replied quietly, "It's such a vast difference compared to where you were. Believe it or not, this is still your first day back home."
"Carlisle, why would you want to adopt someone like me?" I asked, looking up at him. I could feel how heavy my words were with the medication and how exhausted I was, "I'm not worth the trouble. I'm not nice like Esme, or caring like you. I'm not even pretty."
"You're worth every second of my time." He replied, "Of our time. That will never change."
"Were you close?" I asked, keeping my unsteady gaze on him, "Were you close to finding me?"
He sighed a little as he thought about his answer.
"There's been some trouble in Seattle." He explained, "And we had to be very careful about where we went."
"That explains it." I mumbled tiredly.
"We were looking." He assured me almost firmly, "But carefully. Having to be careful is what took the most time."
Once again, my emotions got the better of me. With more force than before.
"It hurt so much." I had to say. I wasn't thinking about what I said anymore. It just came out. Normally, the things I would hide would stay unsaid, but now, I found I had to say them.
"Why would they hurt me?" I whimpered, "What did I do? I never did anything to either of them. I never did anything to Ken." He held me tighter at that mention, "I just wanted to be left alone. That's all I wanted. I didn't mean to make him so mad, Carlisle, I'm so sorry."
"No." He told me, "No, Leandra. You are not held responsible for his actions. Never."
"I could have tried more." I cried into his shirt, "I should have done more. I'm sorry." I shook now with my silent sobs, squeezing my eyes shut, "I made him mad. I tried. I tried to bite him once, but he didn't like that, because it worked." My voice trembled along with the rest of me at the effort it took to keep my sobs under control enough to speak, "He just hit me, and he told me if I ever did that again, he'd pull out my teeth."
I glanced up in time to see his eyes close. He clearly didn't like hearing that.
"B-But I had to." I cried again, shaking my head, "I had to. I had to. I-I couldn't breathe. He wouldn't let me breathe. I'm so sorry." I knew I was rambling, repeating things, but I couldn't help it.
"It isn't your fault." He murmured, "It's not." I couldn't reply now. I'd sob every bit of breath from me, until I took a deep, gasping breath in. It hurt so much more than just physically. I felt bad, really bad, for what I'd done in defense. I felt sorry, and guilty for what I'd done. I needed him to know that. I needed him to know that all the things I'd done there weren't what I wanted to do. I had just been trying to cooperate long enough to stay alive, but I didn't feel alive anymore.
With his free hand, Carlisle stroked my hair. Comforting me more, but allowing more tears to fall. Because I knew I was safe, but it was so hard to believe that. Carlisle hadn't held me like this before, so it was new, but I didn't mind it. It just made sense.
I had to have been crying like that for over ten minutes, now and then stopping to catch my breath, but I'd just start crying after a minute or so of rest. I knew I was bound to have many more nights like this, but for right then, just ten minutes was enough.
I finally fell asleep holding onto him. The medication he'd given me finally became too much to fight, and my tired eyes closed. He couldn't know how much it meant to me that he was there. Just giving me someone to cry on. Someone much stronger than I was at that point.
I woke in the morning to being moved, whimpering as the movement hurt.
"I'm sorry." Carlisle had stayed, letting me hold onto him while I slept. I clearly heard Emmett's overjoyed laugh up the hall, so I knew why I was suddenly being moved.
"What's he so happy about?" I asked, looking up at him. Wincing a little as I pushed myself up. He seemed like he didn't want to answer, so I asked another question instead, "You stayed?"
"Of course." He said, surprised at my surprise. I really didn't feel that good. Seeing that, he frowned.
"What's wrong?"
"Stomach." I mumbled in answer, sitting upright after turning over. It ached in a way I wasn't used to. Like a mix between hunger pains and nausea.
"Pain, or nausea?" He asked.
"Both." I replied, sighing.
"Yesterday was a very stressful day for you." He answered, and I sat there for a few moments longer. Until Carlisle stood, and I struggled to follow.
"You should stay in bed." He told me, and I shook my head. I was already awake. No use in sitting in here alone, when I really didn't want to be alone. He sighed, clearly not happy about my decision to move around on my own, but he offered his hand. Helping me by giving me a way to stay steady.
He led me from the room, and we entered the living room to see Emmett on his feet, with Alice and Jasper descending the stairs. Emmett was clearly amused by something. Esme leaned against the wall, shaking her head.
"I'm sorry, shorty." Emmett said, "I didn't mean to wake you up."
"What's wrong?" I asked, frowning at him.
"We made the news." He chuckled, gesturing to the TV where there were pictures of what looked like a horrific accident on the highway. The trees scorched and burned around where pieces of an unrecognizable car sat wrapped around one. Pieces of it scattered around the road. The announcer was saying something about having to be aware that the lane was closed until crews could clear the area.
I understood immediately. It must have been pretty bad if it made the news. I couldn't breathe for a second. He was happy about that, but I'd been in that car before. The trunk had come open, and despite the way it was burned, I still could see myself in there.
Knowing I couldn't hold it back anymore, I spun. Heading for the bathroom back up the hall.
Hold it, I told myself. Just let me make it to the toilet. Thankfully, I did. The urge to throw up somehow made it easier to move on my own, and had me moving faster than I had in a long while.
I didn't have much on my stomach. Hardly anything at all, having slept most of the day yesterday, and I was regretting that. Kneeled there beside the toilet, I held my hair in one hand, the other braced against the floor.
"Was it something I said?" Emmett asked out in the hall. Esme was suddenly there beside me with a glass of water. I couldn't take it yet. Rubbing my back, she waited. I wasn't crying, aside from involuntary tears caused by the force of throwing up, but I wasn't crying.
"You never used to be so sensitive." Emmett murmured, confused.
"Think about it." Alice told him sharply, "She's been through hell for two straight weeks. She's going to be a little sensitive."
"I was in there." I panted weakly after a minute, "A-And to.. See it burned like that.." I felt like I couldn't breathe, "I'll be.. Fine in a minute, I just.." I didn't even realize it, but that statement was more like myself than I'd been in awhile.
It was Emmett's smile that made me ask.
"What?"
"Telling us not to worry." Emmett smiled proudly, "Listen to you."
I looked down again. I really didn't notice it, but I didn't want to get their hopes up. Emmett seemed to be under the false impression that I would ever be normal again. Well, as normal as I used to be, anyway.
"Yeah, well.." I mumbled, finally letting my hair drop back down my back. I didn't know what to say.
When I could eventually leave the bathroom, I was immediately taken into the kitchen to eat something. That was the first I had noticed a small amount of progress in myself. I could eat more than I could before, and even felt hungry again.
The daylight didn't give me a headache anymore, and slowly, I allowed myself to look around, instead of keeping my eyes down. Like waking up for the first time in all this time. Like living again. However slightly, but that's what it felt like to me.
Like when I took a breath, it actually did something for me again. Even if the medication was still effecting me, I felt more awake than I had in the last two weeks.
I continued to sit there, taking a break from eating for a minute while Esme watched me. I didn't speak yet, trying to make sense of everything. I looked over, however, at the sound of someone entering the kitchen. It was Jasper, and his expression told me he knew.
I looked back down, studying my half-full plate. I wasn't looking for explanations to my emotions, or for him to tell me to snap out of it. I just wanted to come to terms with everything on my own.
"He understands that." I looked back over as both Edward, and Carlisle followed Jasper in. I sighed.
"You didn't have to call Edward." I mumbled, returning my eyes to my plate. Just because I was quiet, didn't mean I needed mental intervention.
"They didn't." Edward replied, "I wanted to come see you."
"Why?" I asked quietly.
"Well," He said, sighing as he sat next to me, "If you're joining the family, I need to be around to teach you the ropes." I couldn't help it. I smiled a little at that mention, but it quickly faded.
"Just letting you know," I murmured, "I can't control my thoughts right now."
"And I'm not asking you to." He replied, "I know better than anyone that you just need some time to sort through everything going on in there."
"You're not going to get mad again?" I asked, glancing up at him.
"I won't." He assured me, knowing what I was referring to, "I wasn't prepared then." I nodded a little, sighing again. It was so hard to think about that long ago. It was so hard to remember I ever lived before that basement.
I had a life before. I had friends before, however few. I'd been brave before. I'd been happy. I had other emotions besides this emptiness that hurt with no warning. I had other feelings besides this darkness in my heart. I wasn't like this before. Now, I felt like I didn't even know myself.
"Do you want to know what I think?" Edward asked beside me.
"Do I have a choice?" I asked in return, and he smirked.
"I think you just need time." He told me, and I sighed. I already knew that, "Yes, you already knew that, but you can't imagine just how much time can help. I firmly believe you'll come through this."
"Have you even seen my memories?" I asked quietly.
"You notice the difference in yourself." He said, "That's enough to tell me you'll make it through. Maybe not who you were before, maybe not the same as you were, but whoever you are, you'll always have a place here."
That didn't answer my question.
"Yes, I've seen." He replied to my thought, "You have gone through a lot of pain, but from what I can see, you still have so much to get through before you're ready to move on. You're not done yet." That didn't help me.
"It's not fair." I mumbled, "Why can't it just be over?"
"You'll make it through this."
"I know." I told him quietly, "I just wish I knew how much longer I had to suffer. One person can only go through so much before they just.. Give up. I'm so tired." I closed my eyes, hanging my head.
"That is true. One person can only endure so much before they give up." Edward nodded beside me, "But you're different. You're not made to give up. You don't give up."
"You're wrong." I shook my head.
"You wanted to give up." He allowed, "You've wanted to just lay down and quit many times, but look where you are now." Where was he going with this? "Leandra, look around you. You wouldn't be here if you had given up. You've worked far too hard to just stop now." Slowly, I looked up. Meeting his eyes, "If you had just listened to yourself before, when you told yourself it was too hard, you wouldn't be here. But you didn't."
I thought back to what he was referring to. The morning I woke after my vision. How hard it was to just keep breathing after losing so much. So much I couldn't even remember at the time. It hurt, just to open my eyes and figure out that everything I cared so much about was gone. Just ripped away from me in the time it took to blink my eyes open.
I wanted to give up then. I wanted to just lay on the floor until I died. Thinking it was all just some wishful dream, but astonishingly, it wasn't. Everything I'd dreamed about was true. It had been real. I just had to find it again.
Finding it again had been an accident, actually, but obtaining it was another story. I was too scared back then, and again, I wanted to give up. To just tell myself to forget it, and move on. Knowing they were real was enough, right? Wrong.
Had I given up then, I'd have been stuck living in California with Ken. Or so I thought back then. Had I given up then, I would never have called Carlisle to help me.
Had I given up in the box, I never would have remembered so many amazing things about my family. I never would have chosen to let them in, and I never would have learned to trust them again the way I have. I never would have remembered everything that happened that first few months in the vision, and I wouldn't have learned just how much they really did mean to me. I thought I knew before, but now I knew. One hundred percent.
Now here I was, with a promise to have all of that returned to me, and yet, I couldn't move passed the darkness of the last two weeks, to prove that I actually was resilient? I couldn't move passed my nervousness to accept it? I couldn't fight just a little harder to make myself see that he was right?
Edward was absolutely right, and he knew it. I wasn't going to give up. I couldn't. It was completely impossible for me to just give up now. The weight I did carry was enough to want to smash me under it, but with Carlisle's promise, I knew I had no choice but to keep going. I had so much ahead of me that I still needed to get through.
Edward sat there with his hands clasped lightly on the counter in front of us through my entire thought process, smiling a little. Waiting patiently for me to realize what he was telling me.
With no warning, I turned as much as I could, hugging Edward.
"Thank you." I whimpered into his shoulder. He returned my hug lightly.
"I have so much admiration for you, Leandra." He told me, "We all do. You are brave. You are strong. Never doubt yourself, because we never will. That's what this family is all about." I pulled back, looking up at him, "That's the secret. That is all you need to know. When you feel like you can't go on, when you're at your lowest, that's when we'll all step up the most for you. Every one of us."
Giving a glance around, everyone else had heard that. Making the smaller kitchen crowded with how many people fit in the room without me even noticing. Three pairs, Edward and I sitting.
"Believe me, I've seen it many times before." Edward said, "I've witnessed it, and I've experienced it. There's nothing we wouldn't do for each other, and you're a part of that. You have been for over a year now. You can't tell me you haven't seen it before." I hesitated, remembering what I realized back in December. When Edward visited for the holiday.
How despite the way he wasn't really around all that often, the fact that he was missing the entire six months we were there left the family sort of empty. Everyone else was there, but without Edward, there had been a definite sense of something missing. One day out of the whole six months wasn't enough to fix that.
"Exactly." He nodded a little, "You have noticed. That's what it is, and that's what keeps you from giving up, because you know. You've known, and you've experienced it before. In your vision, you knew this like second nature. You just never realized you knew it."
"You're right." I finally said, nodding a little.
"It's not about being right." He said, "Right now, you're in the healing phase. That doesn't only mean physically, Leandra. That's everything, and that can take as long as you need it to, because we know. It doesn't take Jasper's gift, or my gift to see you've got a lot going on in your mind and in your heart.
"None of us are expecting anything of you, but one thing. Just don't give up. Whether it takes a week, a month, even ten years, we'll be here. The one thing you can count on through this time, is that all of us will be here. Watching out for you, and helping you the best we can."
I nodded again, taking a breath.
"We'll be here." Edward concluded with a nod, "Protecting you, and standing up for you when you can't, or even don't want to stand up for yourself."
"One fucker down, one to go." Emmett spoke up, and I found that comment just so random, so off the wall, that I had to smile. It was a tired smile, but it was real, "Any day, shorty."
A/N: I want to apologize for this taking so long. I've been very distracted by RL, and some things just need to be dealt with. Still going through some stuff, so I'm going to keep this A/N short, because I'm still very distracted. So...
THANK YOU to my reviewers! :D You're all more than amazing. :)
I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and I look forward to reading your thoughts.
Until five, my friends. :)