Since adventuring was put on hold because no one wanted to do it, and she wasn't allowed to go out alone, Clarke went back to work in the infirmary. Helping Kane get back on his feet was one of her top priorities when her mother wasn't around, and she was just helping him to the bathroom when Shaw and Dawson came in, supporting a weak, and heavily bleeding Dioyza.
"Go," Kane told her as he held onto the wall.
Clarke immediately turned and began barking orders at the two men.
"Get her up on the bed!" Clarke called to them. "Someone find me Jackson or Abby!"
Miller whom was on guard duty in the infirmary all morning, bolted out of the room as Clarke began looking for supplies. She brought over a bunch of towels and surveyed Dioyza's opening.
"Did your water break?" Clarke asked.
Dioyza let out a grunt as she nodded.
"It broke and then she just started bleeding everywhere," Shaw told her as he tried to hold Dioyza steady.
"You're almost fully dilated Dioyza," Clarke told her. "Push just a little for me. We need to get this baby out now."
Jackson came rushing in and asked for the status as Clarke began gently pressing on Dioyza's abdomen.
"Okay Dioyza, start pushing!" Jackson told her, and then turned toward Clarke. "Either the wall of the uterus or the placenta itself is ruptured."
"What does that mean?" Dawson asked.
"It means that unless she pushes this baby out it's gonna drown in her blood," Clarke summarized. "Push Dioyza!"
Dioyza screamed as Bellamy and Raven came into the infirmary. No one paid them any mind as Clarke tried to guide the baby Hope out of Dioyza as quickly and as gently as possible.
"We need A-positive blood!" Jackson called as he typed Dioyza, and an apprentice quickly ducked into the stockroom.
"I've got the head!" Clarke said as she saw the umbilical cord wrapped around the baby's neck. "C'mon Dioyza! The sooner this baby is out the sooner it stops hurting!"
Dioyza gave one final scream and definitely broke Shaw and Dawson's hands as the baby popped the rest of the way out. Jackson cut the umbilical cord and Clarke pulled the baby away.
"Make a hole!" Clarke shouted as the onlookers jumped back.
She could hear Jackson shouting to others as Clarke got the baby onto a separate table. She was silent, and upon further inspection, not breathing. She immediately unwrapped the cord and began CPR.
"C'mon baby, don't die before you can see the world," Clarke muttered as she gently breathed into her mouth, and even more gently pushed on her chest.
She tried to cough and Clarke held the baby on her side and she coughed again, almost a cup of blood coming out onto the table. After a few minutes of coughing and CPR, the baby began crying loudly, lungs sounding completely clear of fluid. An apprentice brought over a bowl of water and Clarke took a minute to breathe before gently washing the baby with a cloth.
"You saved her."
Clarke turned to see Bellamy and Raven standing nearby. She ignored them and quickly finished washing the baby before swaddling her. She delivered the baby to Dioyza just as she yawned.
"You saved her Clarke," Dioyza said as she smiled "Thank you."
Dioyza's head rolled back as her exhaustion took over. Clarke grabbed the woman's shoulders and shook her.
"Listen to me Colonel," She said in her most authoritative tone. "You are not done until this baby stops crying. You have a job to do. Stay awake."
Dioyza smirked and seemed to pull herself together as Jackson got the blood transfusion and IV fluids going. Clarke let out a long breath and cast a weak smile at Jackson who smiled back. Kane had hobbled his way over, and was being supported by Bellamy as Raven pulled over a stool.
"Do you have a name?" Bellamy asked as he helped Kane sit down.
"Hope," Dioyza said quickly before he could suggest something. "Her name is Hope."
Raven snorted, "It's better than Bellamy's names."
"Hey Doc, any chance I can get my hand looked at?" The Dawson asked as he and Shaw held up their hands.
"Come over here," Clarke said. "Everyone else should give the mother and child some space."
Clarke quickly set and wrapped Shaw's hand before turning to Dawson.
He smiled, "It's nice to see you again, Clarke. I didn't know you were a doctor too. You can really do it all."
His tone was genuine and a little flirty as Clarke pushed a strand of hair behind her ear, "It's not broken, just bruised. Ice on and off every twenty minutes and you'll be fine and...I'm not a doctor."
Dawson snorted, "Better than most doctors I've seen. My mom had seven kids and I never saw a doctor immediately start on CPR to save the baby."
Clarke stared at him in surprise. She'd never get used to his praise. "What the hell else would they do?"
He shrugged, "They always tried to use fancy equipment to figure out what was wrong, rather than just jumping in and helping."
"Sometimes just jumping in isn't the best plan," Clarke told him, feeling her experience weighing heavily on her shoulders.
Dawson eyes seemed to sparkle and the weight lifted some, "I disagree. You saved that baby girl's life today, Clarke. I'd say that's good enough evidence."
She couldn't help but break into a small smile as she finished with his hand, and went to go help Jackson with the baby and Dioyza. Bellamy had watched the whole exchange and felt an emotion that he couldn't place. He was just talking to her. Admiring her ability to save a baby like any rational person would do.
But Raven had his number. She could see the jealousy rolling off him in waves. Clarke had taken to talking to Dawson faster than any of them, and she could feel how not okay Bellamy was with it. Especially when Clarke was still angry with him.
Once Clarke was no longer needed, she slipped out the backdoor of the infirmary tree and sat on the steps, trying to stop herself from shaking.
"Rough day?" A familiar voice asked.
Her head snapped upward to meet Octavia's eyes. She stood a fair distance away, leaning against the side of the tree. Clarke didn't respond right away, which prompted Octavia to ask again.
"I heard screaming," She said bluntly. "Did Dioyza have the baby?"
"Y-Yeah," Clarke stammered as she covered her eyes with her hands and tried to focus on her breathing.
Octavia raised an eyebrow, "Are you okay?"
Clarke chuckled, but didn't look at her, "Better question: Are you?"
It was Octavia's turn to chuckle, "I'm better than I was. I go visit Jordan a lot."
"I'm glad."
"Me too. I thought he'd be scared of me."
"I'm not scared of you."
Clarke uncovered her eyes to see Octavia staring at her in surprise.
"You're not?"
Clarke shook her head, "I see myself in you. I probably would've done the same things in your situation."
Octavia's gaze dropped to the ground, "But you wouldn't have let the power go to your head."
"Maybe not this time. But I had in the past...with Lexa."
The surprise colored her features again and Clarke offered her a smile.
"If there's anything you need, Octavia, you know where to find me."
And for the first time in a long time, Octavia smiled.
"Thanks Clarke."
"No. Thank you for keeping them alive."
Clarke sighed as she rolled out of bed to answer someone pounding on her door. Harper was right by her side, quacking in annoyance at being woken so early in the morning. She opened the door to see Dioyza and Dawson, the former holding little baby Hope, and the latter carrying a bag.
"Hey Clarke," Dioyza greeted her. "Mind if we come in?"
Clarke scooped up Harper and stepped aside to allow them in, before Dawson closed the door firmly behind him.
"Wow," He began. "It's so warm in here."
"It's designed that way," Clarke told him. "The sun from the south-facing windows is absorbed by the floor and the floor keeps everything warm."
Dawson just stared at her in awe as Dioyza cleared her throat, "The reason why we're here Clarke, is that your mother was concerned about Hope and I getting the flu from staying in the infirmary. Three people have already come down with it in the past day."
"You want to stay here?" Clarke summarized.
"If you don't mind having us," Dioyza finished.
Clarke glaced at Dawson who put his hands up, "I'm just the baggage boy."
She looked back to Dioyza and nodded, "Fine. But my guest bed is a mattress on the floor down here with a bunch of pillows and a blanket. I can't offer much of anything better than that."
Dioyza broke into a smirk, "We've slept in worse than that, right Dawson?"
"Those cabins in the village are the worst Colonel," He added with a playful smile. "Not even the desert in Kuwait was that bad."
Clarke was too tired to humor their humor and instead put Harper down. She went to go drag out the spare mattress she'd made from the excess of Sniffer's fur. Harper did her part in carrying over pillows and even took a moment to sniff the baby.
"Harper won't hurt you or Hope," Clarke told Dioyza, who was glaring at the animal. "She lays eggs and is a pretty calm animal."
"She seems friendly," Dawson said as he knelt to gently pet Harper on the head.
"She's named after one of the most friendly people I knew," Clarke told him. "I like to think that Harper's spirit talks to me through her."
Dawson broke into a big smile, "That was beautiful Clarke."
Clarke just felt the somber mood set in and nodded in acknowledgement.
Dioyza was grinning at Dawson as he realized what he'd said. He quickly dropped the bag before claiming he was needed at the village and left.
"He likes you Clarke," Dioyza said immediately. "I mean I know you have a kid with Bellamy but-"
"What?" Clarke wheeled around to look at her, and when she didn't immediately respond added: "What the hell are you talking about?"
Dioyza just blinked, "Madi isn't you and Bellamy's child?"
Clarke's eyes widened to saucers, "No. Madi isn't related to me or Bellamy. Or anyone here for that matter. I just adopted her."
A plan formed in Dioyza's mind and she smiled as she cuddled Hope, "I'm not sure I believe you. She looks so much like you and Bellamy. And when he rode in with a coffee mug to save you...damn. I really thought you two were a thing."
Clarke sighed as the confession came easily to her, "I wish. But he'll never look at me like that when he has someone else."
Dioyza saw the pain on her features clear as day and relented, "Well if he's with someone else. Why not give Dawson a shot?"
"I don't think anyone could love me if they knew what I've done."
"Dawson was my right hand man on those government raids. Before that he was the best soldier in my unit. He's done just as bad if not worse. But he's still a kid. He has time to turn over a new leaf. Just like you."
Clarke held Dioyza's gaze for a long time -the look on her face said that she was not going to let it go- then looked away. Dioyza was one of the few people that knew about her attempt, and an even smaller few that Clarke felt comfortable talking to. The Colonel didn't judge her, or treat her like she was broken. She just treated her like a girl, and that's all Clarke wanted.
"How would I even know if he's interested?"
Dioyza chuckled, "Ask him."
Clarke just rolled her eyes as a blush dusted her cheeks, and Dioyza laughed.
"Are you shy?" Dioyza asked as she belted out a laugh. "How is the woman that murdered my baby's father shy?"
Clarke firmly met Dioyza's eyes, "You don't have to be confident to be a murderer."
Dioyza's smile thinned, "Touche."
Being nocturnal wasn't a new experience for Clarke. She'd done it hundreds of times on the Ark during her apprenticeship, and even more so during their first few weeks on the ground. Except now, she wasn't completely nocturnal because she just didn't sleep. Between working long hours at the infirmary during the day, and caring for baby Hope at night because Dioyza was too heavy of a sleeper to hear her cry, Clarke was running on fumes. It had only been a week with the mother and newborn in her home, but despite the inconvenience they added to her life, she was still fiercely protective of both. They both needed Clarke in a way that she hadn't been needed before, and she was thankful for that. She already loved Dioyza like a second mother or a really cool aunt, and no one could hate a baby. So in turn, she would protect them if it ever came to it.
The baby's familiar cry woke Clarke just as she was about to close her eyes, and she rolled out of bed. It was early in the morning, so early in fact that it still wasn't light outside, and didn't see any point in trying to get her or the baby to go back to sleep when she would just sleep during the day anyway. She dressed and strapped her sidearm to her belt before going downstairs. She changed the cloth diaper, and emptied the contents into the compost before tossing the rag onto Dioyza's laundry pile.
"Are you making a mess just for me?" Clarke said in a normal speaking voice. She liked to think that Hope didn't like people cooing at her all the time.
The baby giggled and Clarke rolled her eyes, "The things I put up with for you."
She grabbed a bottle from the fridge Raven had made for them, and carried the baby out onto the porch. She sat down and freed Hope from her tightly-swaddled prison before giving her the bottle. They rocked on the chair together as Hope ate, and Clarke watched what remained of the stars.
Clarke wasn't sure when she drifted off, but she woke to the sound of someone coming down the pathway. She at attention and aimed her sidearm at the person as they started up the front steps, still cradling the child with her other hand. The first light of the suns was starting to bleed into the air, so she couldn't make out who it was. The person stopped dead with their hands up in resignation as Clarke inspected their person.
"Easy there Auntie Bear. It's just me," Dawson's said cheekily as he stepped back. "Shooting me would wake the baby."
Clarke holstered the weapon, "What are you doing here?"
"I came to see if you needed help. I helped my mom with my sisters when they were little," He explained as he pulled over a chair.
"So you thought dropping by before sunrise without asking was a good idea?"
"Dioyza sleeps like a rock, and I figured that you might want a break."
She was too tired to question him further, and carefully passed him the baby, "That crib you built has made it so much easier to get her to sleep."
He shot her a smile, "Really? Good."
The conversation between them died for a moment.
"You're not good at this, are you?" He asked.
"What?"
"People. You don't seem comfortable opening up to people."
Clarke looked out at the snow. "It's been a while since I've been around other people. I guess I'm still adjusting."
He gave her a confused look and she took a moment to find the courage to continue.
"The nuclear reactors that were left after the bombs melted down six years before you guys arrived. A select few people took refuge in a sealed bunker, and I was going to go to space with my friends, but a lot went wrong and they had to leave without me. I was okay with dying, but I didn't," She told him.
Dawson just stared at her, "So you were-"
"Alone," Clarke cut him off as she pushed back the flood of painful memories. "So I'm sorry that my interpersonal skills aren't better."
It'd come out harsher than she'd intended, but Dawson just reached out to take her hand.
"I'm sorry," He said, gently squeezing her hand before pulling away.
Dioyza's suggestion echoed in the back of her mind, and she grabbed his hand before he got too far. "You're not wrong though. I've always been bad at it. The separation just made it worse."
He chuckled and turned her hand in his, "I take it back, you can share just fine.. But maybe I can help you improve on it."
"How?" Clarke blurted without thinking, and immediately cringed at the stupidity of her own question.
Dawson noticed this and grinned at her, "You could start by telling me your favorite color."
She blushed and broke into a small smile as she began talking about her art, and her room and cell on the Ark, and how her dad told her that an artist wasn't supposed to have a favorite color. Dawson told her all about the years of work he put into restoring his old pick-up, after explaining to her what a pick-up truck was. They talked for hours, so long that baby Hope was fast asleep and showed no signs of waking up anytime soon. They shared almost everything about their lives before the new planet. Clarke left out the dark and gory bits of her past, and with the occasional haunted look Dawson wore, she assumed he was doing the same.
Dawson was laughing at an old joke, while Clarke just looked confused when Dioyza appeared on the porch not long after sunrise.
"Have you two been out here all night?" She asked as she tried to hide a smirk.
Dawson didn't miss a beat as he turned to her, "Good timing Colonel. How do I explain memes to someone who's never had the internet?"
Dioyza just chuckled as she collected her sleeping child and paused in the doorway, "Come inside and talk. I'll make breakfast today."
Dawson stood, and quickly moved to steady Clarke when she wobbled.
"Are you okay?" He asked with eyes full of concern.
"No," Clarke answered. The honesty felt easy in his presence. "I haven't been sleeping well."
"Here, let's get you into bed," He offered.
She shot him a look and he snickered, "Just you, Clarke. You need to take better care of yourself."
A defeated groan escaped her before Dawson effortlessly scooped her up into his arms, and carried her up to her bed. Once her weapon was safely stored and she was ensconced in blankets, did she meet his eyes with some confidence.
"Thank you Dawson," She told him, catching him by surprise.
"You're welcome, Clarke...and call me Kent." He told her with a charismatic smile. "How about next time we talk over dinner?"
Clarke stared at him for a long time and Dawson nervously rubbed the back of his neck.
"Too soon?"
She snapped out of her trance, "No, no. I'd love to. I've just...never been asked on a date...ever."
He smiled, "Then I'll make it the best first date ever. How about I pick you up here, tonight, a few hours before sundown?"
Clarke felt herself smiling, "I'll see you then. Should I bring anything?"
"Just your beautiful self, doll," He told her before heading for the door. "Sleep well Clarke."
After he left, Dioyza gave her a quick thumbs up, "I'm glad he finally realized that Netflix and chill isn't classy anymore."
Clarke just raised an eyebrow as the older woman chuckled and tucked Hope in her crib and started on breakfast.
"Stop it Clarke," Dioyza told her. "You are definitely the most beautiful woman Dawson has ever dated."
Clarke stopped fiddling with her hair and allowed Raven to fix it again.
"Just be yourself," Raven told her. "I, for one, am glad that you're moving on from Bellamy. All he does is complain and brood nowadays."
The room went eerily silent as Dioyza sighed, "I thought we agreed not to bring that up."
"I think we should anyway," Raven said as she turned Clarke to face her. "I know that you love Bellamy. We all know...except Bellamy...and Echo. And he still wants to be with her. So that means you have every right to go looking for someone else. Hell, you could bang every guy in the village if you wanted."
"We know it hurts Clarke," Dioyza added a bit more gently as she bounced Hope on her hip. "But Dawson will do right by you. He may have done some horrible things, but at this point, we all have. Give him a fair shot."
Clarke thought it over, and put on a brave face as she nodded at them, "Okay."
Knocking on the front door pulled the group from their moment and Clarke answered the door.
"Hey Clarke," Dawson greeted her. "You look great."
Clarke was wearing a patchwork dress, made of a few purple, red, and black patterned fabrics she's sewn together. Raven had braided her hair -which was getting long again- into a little circlet around her head, the rest tucked neatly into a bun.
"You do too," Clarke said meekly as her shyness immediately returned. Her cheeks were already red.
He didn't look any different than he did the day before, but he was carrying a pack. He was grinning and his eyes were sparkling with excitement, as he held out his hand for her to take. She placed her hand in his and Dawson waved to Raven and Dioyza as they walked out into the forest.
Once away from both the village and her land, Clarke just watched the trail as they walked, and Dawson was watching her.
"It's okay, Clarke," He encouraged her. "I'm glad that I'm your first."
Clarke nodded, feeling embarrassment flush through her, "Yeah…Dating wasn't something I ever had time for."
"But you do now," He pointed out as he gave her hand a squeeze. "So let's try and enjoy tonight, okay?"
Clarke finally met his eyes, "Okay."
Raven gently smacked Shaw to keep him quiet as they and Madi followed Clarke and Dawson through the forest. The second that Dioyza told them that someone had asked Clarke on a date, they were already formulating a list of all the information they had on the 28 year-old, former US Army First Lieutenant. Most of their knowledge came from Shaw, whom had shown up with his Elligus file of his own inclination.
They cared about Clarke too much to watch her get hurt by someone they didn't even know. And if it turned out that Dawson was good for her, then they wanted to give Clarke their support. She'd even roped Murphy and Emori in on the action because there was nothing else to do. They still had their grudges against Clarke, but since Raven and Shaw had forgiven her, they had softened quite a bit as well.
They found out that he was part of Dioyza's unit in the US Army, and deserted with her to start their terrorist spree. He was extremely reliable and loyal, and aided other soldiers in getting help for post-traumatic stress disorder. He wasn't legally tied to any of the terrorist attacks that he and Dioyza carried out, but he went to prison for murdering a faction of the Italian mob operating in the US, for raping two of his six sisters.
The evidence was stacked in Dawson's favor when they brought it to Madi, and she was the one who suggested the stakeout. She was also the one who made the decision to exclude Bellamy from their mission.
"He's gonna lose it when he finds out," Murphy had commented through his snickering.
They held back behind a grouping of rocks as the couple stopped at a small clearing.
The sun was pouring in from a hole in the forest canopy, and light did just enough to illuminate Clarke's hair and give her an ethereal glow. Dawson put down the pack and pulled out a blanket before setting it on the ground, and helped a smiling Clarke sit down. He produced a small dinner of salted meat, bread, and some greens for the two of them and lit a few candles around them. He poured them wine and Clarke seemed incredibly impressed by the amount of effort Dawson had put in.
"This is amazing," Clarke told him as he sat down to eat with her. "Thank you so much."
"You're welcome," He told her, shooting a flirty smile her way.
When the food was finished, they put the dishes away, and Clarke leaned into Dawson when he put an arm around her. They just sat there, talking and drinking Jordan's specially-made wine as they watched the sunset over the trees.
"So...now that everything has been going so smoothly," Dawson said long after the conversation had died. "I was hoping we could talk about things that aren't so...smooth…?"
Clarke smirked at his choice of words, "Like the rough stuff? Aren't you supposed to...not do that on a first date?"
"Yeah," He said, taking another swig. "But screwing things up is my nature, and I figure if we get it out of the way now we can skip the whole dramatic reveal of our terrible pasts later."
Clarke snorted with laughter, "You gave a girl wine and expected her to not be dramatic?"
Dawson smiled down at her as she rested her head on his shoulder again, "You go first."
"No, you go first."
The group behind the rocks were having a hard time trying to contain their laughter. They always knew drunk Clarke was hilarious and were happy to see that she hadn't changed.
Dawson was smiling too as Clarke refilled her cup. He told her about his time in the army, about all the missions he went on to kill terrorists, corrupt officials, and other enemy combatants. He told her about the terrorist cell they were part of in the States; getting rid of all forms of legal corruption within the country. He told her about his sisters, how he lost one before he ever got to meet her, and how two of them were chosen to be the whores of the leader of a faction of the Italian mob. He told her about the nightmares and panic attacks, and the constant weight of those things he carried around with him.
"I've killed hundreds of people Clarke," He told her. "I never even saw most of them, and I condemned them to die."
Clarke set up and stretched her neck, "I think that's better."
"What?"
"I've killed 965 people," She told him as she suddenly donned a detached demeanor. "Which is a lot less than I thought. I didn't see all of them, but I was close by, or facing them as I killed them."
Dawson just stared at her.
"I remember most of their faces, but I spent six years learning all of their names." Clarke said, then met his eyes as she sat up and away from him. "I think that not seeing them makes it easier to handle."
Clarke told him about everything, the killings, her friends, what was left of her family, her attempts. And Dawson watched her speak until she stopped. As she told the story of the shitshow that was her life, the dull gray she had covered her memories with began to peel off. She once again felt all of the emotion she had pushed away, rolling off of her like rain. Neither moved for a long time, just two people who had bared their souls sitting in the same space, lost in themselves and each other. No one behind the rock realized they were holding their breath until Dawson reached out to Clarke, and pulled her to him again.
"That...sucks…" Was all he could muster.
Clarke hiccupped in what sounded like some strangled form of a laugh as she began to break down. They couldn't see her face from the angle, but it quickly became apparent that she was both laughing and sobbing at the same time. Dawson eventually joined her and the pair laid out on the grass, laughing and sobbing at their collective misfortune.
The peanut gallery behind the rocks were stunned at Clarke's admission. How she really felt about them, how she'd tried to kill herself because she couldn't live with the weight of her sins or without the support of her family. But that concern quickly evaporated as they watched the pair's crying dissolved into laughter, and they each felt lighter.
"They're adorable, I think," Murphy whispered and everyone nodded.
Emori was tearing up, "They have a more fucked up connection than Murphy and I do."
"I don't think that's possible," Shaw deadpanned.
"What do you think Madi?" Raven asked the child.
Madi didn't move her eyes from her surrogate mother, "I think Bellamy's gonna be pissed."
End Chapter 4